Mom is a very difficult person, has a temper and screams at my sister & her husband. What can my sister do? - AgingCare.com

Mom is a very difficult person, has a temper and screams at my sister & her husband. What can my sister do?

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My sister is full time caregiver in her home for our mother. She is having difficulty with my mother who lives wih her she is very tempermental and often sreams at the top of her lungs calling my sister & her husband stupid & other names, my sister is having a hard time with this and it is putting a strain on her marriage, I cannot take care of my mother and there is no one who can only solution is a nursing home but my sister refuses to do this, my sister does not go anywhere so my mother stays in a bedroom for the most part , I think this adds to the situation I live in another state 'I have another sister who lives in the neighborhood and will not help out, working full time is her excuse.

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I myself went thru this myself at one point and what I found out is that. They are angry due to the fact that life has strip them of so much of their independence and pride don't allow them to want to accept what they have to go thru. And they seem to let there emotion out on who is the closes and they know who to do it too. Believe me they know what they are doing sometimes they will makes it hard for that certain one and will lie on that person too. Just to try to get there way. you have to learn to look over it and act like it doesn't bother you until you just can't deal with it anymore if things don't get better. Now some people do great under this kind of pressure and some don't. sometime they need to go to nursing home just to see how good they have it and then sometimes they will change just like some of us who we can't tell anything but they need to learn for themselves. Yes they too need to learn things too. as long as they have a mind to know the different it not to late for them to learn something new.
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The obvious solution is placement in a care center. If your sister won't accept that I guess she'll continue to have a hard time of it and a marriage at risk.

Some in-home care would help some. If there were a companion or an aide there a few hours each day, Sis could get out of the house and recharge her batteries some. It might also give her more time with her husband. I'm not sure this would be enough, but it would be a start.

Sending Mother to an adult day health center some days a week could also help a lot.

For Sis and her husband to join a caregivers' support group may help a lot.

What are your mother's impairments? Does she have dementia?
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First of all, your sister needs to learn how to handle these outbursts from your Mum. I know it is hard being a full-time carer for your mother, but your sister needs to learns to walk away when your Mum screams. i think it is attention seeking. She is getting the attention she wants by yelling. Your sister needs to teach herself to ignore your Mum's temper and screaming. She can do it by stopping what she is doing, and walking out of the room. She can also do it by ignoring the screaming. When your Mum sees that she is not getting the reaction she wants, she will stop. If your Mum yells, 'Why aren't you listening to me?' you or your sister can say, we/I am listening. I can't answer you, or do what you would like, if you scream like that'. Try these suggestions, I hope it works for you. All the best.
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I toured 4 different group homes in County and picked the best one senior group home for my dad 88 years old cannot walk anymore wears depends needs 24 hour care I wouldn't live with us he expected us to give up our home and I didn't want him to go to a nursing home the home that I found is really nice 5or 6 other seniors live there you can have a private room or share a room Home cooked meals living room or watch TV in your own room decorate it your way a dog to talk to if you like animals 2 helpers at all times go outside, on nice days or away with your family a house doctor comes in or you can go out to your own doctor the owner and her family live upstairs it's very nice my dad is getting used to it he likes the attention of the girls they all like him he gets along better with outsiders I'm his daughter which he can get mean with and my brother no matter how much you do its his way cause he knows everything but there we get along great and I know he's in good place
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It sounds to me as though your sister is burned out and depressed and can't take any action. I would intervene with the help of her husband; get Mom to a geriatric psychiatrist to find out what the issue is and if medication will help ameliorate it.

Tour nursing homes and ALs in Mom's vicinity and then arrange for tours with your sister for the ones you like.
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I believe your sister needs to start with your Mom's doctor. Find out if Mom has dementia or other medical issues or if medication would help. Sometimes a doctor explaining to an elderly person that they need more help than family can give them, is more acceptable than coming from children. If Mom is to remain at home, I agree with the others who suggested adult day care and part time help coming in, so your sister and husband can resume having a more normal life and get out together for dinner or lunch or visiting friends etc. Your sister needs regular alone time, to go shopping or beauty shop or take care of her own health/exercise and refresh. If Mom does not have the money for this, start the process of looking at Medicaid qualification. Medicaid will pay for in home as well as for residential help. You may need an appointment with an eldercare attorney for this part. Perhaps the sister who works full time can do some of this research stuff if she cannot help with physical care too. Does your sister have POA or Medical POA? Is there a trust or living wills already made out? There are books out there about maintaining Boundaries with elderly parents that give helpful ideas about how to communicate...just as there are caregiver groups too for your sister to attend and get support from. The book that helped me the most is: "Boundaries"- Book By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend I found it on Amazon. Whether or not your Mom stays in home with sister or goes to a group home or residential placement, you all need to come to terms with a change in relationship with your Mom. You need to move into a 'parental' role, rather than a 'child' role. The focus needs to become how to keep your Mom SAFE....not necessarily happy or getting everything she wants anymore. Just as you wouldn't cater to a child's demands if they wanted things not good for them, you must reverse roles here and approach your Mom this way. It's what she NEEDS to be healthy and safe and she may not LIKE some of it, but if she's not able to make rationale decisions and discuss future needs rationally, then you need a diagnosis, treatment, meds and the POA and other legal authority to provide what she NEEDS and keep your sister healthy and marriage intact. I am in this with two parents, and I fully understand that when in the middle of the behavior or the crises it IS very hard to stop and think rationally about what needs to be done next....so your sister does need support to do this research and come up with a plan. Your other sister should find some parts she can do even though working full time. Perhaps ask her what happens if your caregiver sister ruins her health or dies from the stress? THEN who steps up for Mom?? So first the doctor for assessment and treatment plan...and then find resources and get that POA going if it's not already in place.
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In response to cmod1990, I may be a bit cynical tonight since I have been all day every day for three days now on phones because of an incident with my dad at his facility where it appears his roommate beat him up last Thursday night and he's ended up in ED yesterday for 8 hours. So now there are major investigations, APS involved and we may have to move him to another facility....SO....in terms of finding a therapist that one can rant at being helpful....it would NOT help me in that situation of being constantly yelled at. I would choose MD app't and asking for some drugs that would quiet down the agitation and calm her down. We are now at the crossroads with my own Mom about telling her she cannot stay home in her own home alone without a part time caregiver....as I cannot handle anymore stress. She is the worst of it. All through this issue with my Dad, she is calling me and crying on the phone and telling me that I should call my daughter or call my son in law and get their opinion cause she's sure they would fly down here and make 'thus and so ' happen. Tonight, after FINALLY succeeding from 5 hrs away, yesterday, getting Dad to the ED and demanding that either he or the roommate be moved, so they are separated....they agreed to move Dad to another cottage into a private room. NOW....Mom goes to visit and she wants him back where he was and she wants 'someone' to make the roommate move over to the other cottage, because there is a big fat guy in that cottage that yells all the time, and SHE likes it quiet! I say I did what I could and I am not sure staff can move the other guy without an OK from HIS family and Dad is now safe, that was the goal...so I hear, 'Well I hope you call Joelle. IF SHE came down here, she would be over that office and she would be saying 'I won't have my Papa living this way...etc etc." So I am spitting and ready to not speak to her for the rest of the night. But a counselor won't help ME....A PLAN will help me. Besides, I am at the first of the month again and have to stop everything to pay all the bills and take care of the checkbooks for both of them and my business and the household...and I've lost 3 days due to investigation of the latest crises. Maybe I need the doctor and the good meds!! Perhaps that is the answer for us caregivers....the good meds but FOR US! And YES...if the yelling doesn't stop somehow, someone is going to call APS. IT would help if you have a parttime person coming in from an agency because then you can say you have a case manager and a plan with professional back up...but I still say, first step is the doctor and some type of medication for this MOM. My daughter reminded me today, that it's as though my Mom is a kindergartner....and NO she doesn't want to go to school (or have a caregiver in her house....) but you do it and pat her on the head and tell her she will be fine and it will go OK...and you just make it happen. Yes they are grieving the changes in their lives....but the caregivers...have to take care of their own health, and she reminded me that 'biblically' speaking.....my first responsibility after my relationship with GOD is for my husband. I agreed to 'forsake all others' for his benefit and I am putting him on the back burner for my parents. God would not want that, even though HE does want me to 'honor my parents'. HE doesn't expect me to destroy my life and my marriage over my parents. That is NOT glorifying God. My intervention phone conference with my two daughters was a 'wake up' for me....that it's time for new plans. That's where you need to go with your mother....new plans.
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Working full time is not an excuse to get out of caregiving. For a lot of us, it keeps food on the table and the bills paid.

I encourage you & your sister to plan ahead for your mother's eventual decline and need for full time skilled nursing care. There will come a day where home care might not be a reasonable solution to the problem. Dementias only get worse and behavioral problems are not guaranteed, but very very likely. I agree with touring nursing homes and finding out if there's a wait list or what you'll need to do to get mom placed.

There's a big legal paperwork side to this for power of attorney, health care directives, and to make sure the finances are in order for a change like that to be less difficult than it already is. You won't be able to figure it out in a crisis or overnight.
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I agree with other suggestions that your Mom needs to see her doctor first. My mother had outburst and got very angry at my sister too. I called her doctor and he referred us to a geriatric psychiatrist, who has prescribed anti-depressants for my mother. She is much happier now. she does get upset every now, but it is not as extreme as before and does not last long. Her geriatric doctor also suggested an adult day care to get her involved in outside activities.
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A lot of great answers and I would add that in my experience, mother will "scream" only at the kids she knows will take it and still come back. She doesn't do it often, but once she was on a rage and screamed at me that we were "taking everything away from her" when we tried to make a slight change in her bedroom arrangement. It wasn't about the $10 nightstand, it was about her life in general and the slow loss of independence. I found out later that the very same day my brother had confiscated her "hidden" set of cars keys--I guess her final "hope" that she'd one day drive and be active again had been stripped away. Mother only yells at me or the brother she lives with. He told me she only hurts the ones she loves, so maybe that's really true. Best of luck--
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