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I'm crying all the time. Gave my mom CPR and keep re-living it.

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Thank you, everyone, for all the great suggestions. I think what I really need is to speak with a grieving counselor. I'm living in the house I grew up in which probably makes things even harder. But this is my home. My mom had a stroke last year on her way to pick me up! She was in the hospital for a little bit but then a nursing home. When she came home she went through therapy, speech , , occupational therapy and physical. She was doing great. The one day I leave her with a family member she falls. I didn't find out until the next morning when I woke her up. She had fractured 2 vertebrae in her neck. It was awful!!! Yeah, I am hurting! I am so hurt and mad. Thanks for listening. So from there, she was miserable! My mom was so independent! Now I am left with cleaning up house, looking at all the pictures I found of my mom. Never seen love letters she wrote to my dad in 1955! To much!
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Reply to Helpme1234
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Sincere condolences for your loss. I relate to the re-living part. For me connecting with a loving life long friend and also therapist has been helpful. My heart goes out to you for being such a loyal and devoted caregiver/child/friend to your Mom. Stay in the group forum ~ keep posting what you feel. May you find the peace and comfort you deserve.
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Reply to Jadestar
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It’s normal to feel depressed once a loved one has passed. I would multiply this x 100 if I had been the one providing CPR to my parent.
I so empathize with the devastation you are feeling.
In time this should lessen. Please feel comfortable that you did the best you could, even above and beyond, the norm. It sounds like her death was unexpected if she was a full code?
We are only human & can’t control everything. You used your CPR skills but it was your mother’s time to go.
Its hard to not relive every moment & I don’t know if your mother was terminal or acutely ill or not but if someone else had done the CPR it will never be clear your mother would have been resusitated successfully either.
Your grief should diminish in time but if it does not, do seek counseling to help you come to terms with your grief & guilt.
Your mother is at peace now; take comfort in this and that you were with her when she passed. She wasn’t alone. She had her loving & caring daughter with her, which is perhaps the best gift you could have given her under the circumstances.
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Reply to Shane1124
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I am very sorry for your loss and what you had to go through. I can't even imagine what it must feel like.
I think it is time for you to seek a professional. No you're not crazy! You are hurt and you need someone to help you process what you are thinking and feeling.

Just to let you know when CPR is given you only have a 12% chance of bring someone back. It is not like what you see on TV where a Dr does CPR and the person just comes to and all is well. I am sure you did the best you could, in truth, you probably did everything right and you just couldn't save her. You have to realize she couldn't be saved! And I am sure your mom would not want you to feel the way you do or beat yourself up.

Please get some help. Do it for yourself and for your mom's memories. She wouldn't want this for you!

Hugs!
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Reply to Shell38314
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So sorry for your traumatic loss of your mother. Death is always hard but when there's additional trauma around it, it's another level harder. The timing around the holiday season probably isn't helping much either.

I would suggest trying to create some new routines, maybe turning back to things you used to do before you began caring for your mother. Set your alarm clock and get out of bed when it goes off. Turn on bright lights and dress including some makeup. Cook/eat some favorite foods. Call a cousin or a friend. I have found cousins are often better companions than siblings during difficult times - they share the family history but are not as close/involved in the problem as siblings. Exercise can help pull us out of depression. Try taking a walk around your neighborhood or maybe drive to a park with a scenic walking trail.

Depression is a normal part of grieving. Since you feel so out of control, please consider seeing a doctor and getting some help there too.

Hope some of this is helpful. You are in my prayers.
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Reply to TNtechie
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IF you are having intrusive thoughts and having trouble sleeping that is affecting your daily living, give it a couple more weeks as you emerge out of the holidays. If it still continnues, please consider professional counseling to help speed you through the process.

IF you are working in a large enough company, does it offer employee assistance? If so you can start this process now.
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Reply to MACinCT
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