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Dad is in a nursing home for advanced dementia after having a fall at home in April. My husband and I live in Florida 6 months and 3 hours away from her the other 6. When 3 hours away, I stay with her 2 nights a week and take her to see dad. My brother works fulltime stays 2 or 3 nights a week and takes her to see dad twice a week. We are afraid to have her home by herself and don't want to manage in home care. A nurse who did an evaluation of her said I'd have to bring her to a place, say I had to go to the bathroom but instead leave. Is there any other way? Has anyone done this?


Is she living alone now?
If she has been evaluated and you have been told that she should not be lone you have no potion. (Other than bringing her to live with you [[shudder here]] )
If your Dad is in Memory Care or a Nursing home is it possible for them to be together? (If this is something that would be good for both of them)

Your options are limited.
"Buck up" and find a place that will be good for her.
Yes she will be angry
Yes she will "hate" you
Yes she will say she wants to go home
But just as she did when you were a kid and did not want to go somewhere, do something and she made you...you survived and so will she.
She will get over her anger..then get angry again over something else, then this again.
She will love you again, then hate you again over and over...
She will come to think of the Memory Care and "her room" as home and not want to go out for lunch when you come to visit, then she will want to go home again..repeat again and again...
She will not get better, she will decline.
You have to decide that placing her is the best and safest thing for her. If application for Medicaid is in the future do all that you can now to expedite the process, you may have to get in touch with an Elder Care Lawyer. If either parent is a Veteran contact the VA and see what services are available and what else can be done to help them.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Suemayer2254 Aug 21, 2018
Thank you ver much. She has been living alone and I appreciate your advice.
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I'm not sure about slipping off that way, but, can't you have lunch there and then explain that she'll be staying for some special care for awhile?

It's really difficult to reason, convince and get the LO on board, no matter how dire the situation. Some people have luck convincing the LO that the AL is temporary and that'll they return home once they get their meds straight, physical therapy, etc. I found that getting the LO somewhere safe, protected and cared for, was my top priority. I was okay with her getting upset with me a little bit, because, I knew she was not able to understand the situation.

If she did get upset with you, do you think it would remain in her memory for long?
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Suemayer2254 Aug 21, 2018
My mom says she does not care if she dies, as she feels her life is over. She's very stubborn and will not listen to what anyone says, even her doctor. I hate deceiving her but I think it's the only way. Thanks for your comments.
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hi  - I had to trick my mom and dad when I moved them to assisted living.2011... the 'driving' them over wasn't the hard part actually...that part wasn't too bad. (and I still haven't sold their home, and still have belongings in the home)

I just told my dad he was going to visit my mom in the hospital. and my mom was getting released from skilled nursing (after hospital stay, broke hip) So we had them both end up at AL at the same time.

getting their room prepared. and getting everything ready (behind their backs) for them was hard for me. then listening to them gripe for the next 6 months was hard. I think most elderly people don't want to move - so yes it happens ALOT.
if you placed dad in a nursing home then you probably have a taste of the work involved?
edit again...and yes both my mom and dad didn't see any need to have to be in AL. they BOTH had memory issues.
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Reply to wally003
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Suemayer2254 Aug 21, 2018
Thank you for responding. Hearing what others go through helps. I think I know what I have to do. I just hope I have the strength and courage.
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