Mom diagnosed with dementia, how are we going to pay for her care?

You should check out some board and care facilities and ask memory care about bringing the cat, many have a residential cat for the residents. My dad was able to take his little dog to the board and care and everyone got such a blessing from her. They are also cheaper with better patient to caregiver ratios.

Have you done any checking into what the income limits are for your states Medicaid? Because retirement and SS could easily disqualify her from assistance without doing a Miller Trust aka Qualified Income Trust.

It isn't realistic that you can keep her home if she doesn't have the money to pay for 24/7 care, unless you are going to forgo your life to prop her up.

Dementia leaves no good choices, you have bad choices or worse choices when there is no money.

Your dad was wrong and completely unfair to exact a promise to keep your mom in her home. Her needs are beyond what can be done in home without 24/7/365 caregivers and that is very expensive and can not be accomplished with 1 person, period.

You are not causing her to lose anything, her disease is and you are in no way responsible for that, stop owning what you can't control.

At my mom's Memory Care, there is a resident that their loved one brings her little dog in for a visit multiple times a week. You should be able to do this with your mom in her room.
One thing with Mom, there is no real sense of time. I took her out of the facility on her 91st birthday and we had nice afternoon, out for lunch at Sonic, and then to my hairdresser. When we got back to her Memory Care she got a cookie delivery from a cousin with a video message, and my daughter in law brought 2 of her great grandchildren for a visit. My sister video called. She had a good day, smiles all around. I arranged the many birthday cards she had received on her dresser. Next day, she had no memory of it. She had joy in the moment, so of course it was good, but that is what it is. I always tell her I'll be back tomorrow, mom. Even though I usually visit every other day, because every day is a new day and it comforts her to know I'll be back soon.
So set up her room with her furniture from home, bring the cat for visits and sell the home for her Care. Don't discuss it with her, she doesn't need to know it's sold, make sure she has her favorite things with her and visit often.
Soon she will be "home ". My mom sometimes thinks she is a school, when they do an activity.
My mom's Memory Care cost about 7000 monthly, that is paid for with LTC and supplement with her social security. For your mom the house sale plus Ss should do the job for awhile.

Some facilities will accept pets.

Sounds like this is more about trying to make siblings help. Give up on that, you will not be successful trying to get anyone to do what they don't want to do. And believe me, if they do not want to help, you do not want them helping.

From you profile: " I stay with her 2 weeks out of every month. I have a husband and a family, and it’s taking a toll. My sister and my brother do nothing, absolutely nothing! They just live their lives. I am worn out."

How did you come to be the only one who does anything for her? So often there are siblings who do nothing. I'm always curious to know how the one sib who does gets in that position.

"But I feel so guilty because I promised my dad I would take care of her and let her stay in her home."

We see this promise being made so many times. Don't hold yourself to a promise made when circumstances were different. Think about it -- would your father really want this burden placed on you if he knew how it is affecting you? He didn't get any promises from your brother and sister?

As Margaret said there are wants and needs. Staying at home is not always the best option. Sell the house and use the money for her care.

San, there are wants and needs. You and your mother ‘want’ to keep her in her beautiful house, but you know that it isn’t workable because of the finance issues. It’s a want, not a need. With dementia, she will adjust to a new ‘home’, and eventually probably won’t remember it anyway – the home she remembers may well be her childhood home.

The cat is also a want, not a need. Cats disappear, die much sooner than humans, run out onto the road etc etc. Keep the cat and take it to her for visits, or get her a stuffed one to stroke. Her heart won’t break.

Your task at the moment is to provide the common sense that mother no longer has. It’s tough, because we would all like to provide the wants. But your job is with the needs.

Make sure you obtain all forms of power of attorney if you haven't done so already. That would be the first step. Then Visit her local Agency on Aging and seek advice /support there. Your mom will qualify for LTC, or nursing home Medicaid when the time comes, even with the house. It may be worth it to you to invest in a certified Elder attorney to prepare and set it up for mom so she can be quickly transitioned when the time comes. The key is she will also need to medically qualify for nursing home care as well, and she's not there yet, but will be in the future, so she won't qualify now, but will in the future. I'm not sure if a reverse mortgage is the solution now because eventually she will need more care than the income a reverse mortgage will provide for. I would seek the advice of a social worker with the state or Agency on aging and an elder attorney. Yes the attorney will cost money, likely in the low 5 figures, but it may be worth it to you. You would pay for it through the assets in the house. Seek an expert's opinion on a reverse mortgage and how it relates to your mom's situation and condition. I'm not sure it is the best option.

Big hugs to you. This is a horrible situation to be in, incredibly stressful, as you say overwhelming. Take deep breaths.

You say you've been staying with her one week in three, is that correct? How long has this pattern been going on for?

You also say she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. So what does she think? How does she account for her difficulties? And what was her response to her diagnosis?

Do you live far from her?

I'm sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a clearer picture of her and your circumstances. Hugs again.

You'll likely have to put her in a Medicaid Nursing Home if she (not you!) cannot afford the 24/7 care she'll inevitably need soon. That level of care in the home will be well above 100,000 a year.

I believe one house and one car is exempt from Medicaid, but they'll put a lien on them after she passes to recoup as much of the owed money as possible.

Nobody wants to go into a Nursing Home, but life is a tedious series of us doing things we don't want to do. Old age is no different.

Sell the house. She can go into care when owning a house n Medicaid. The cost of her care will be paid by placing a lien on the house. Call the Area Agency on Aging for help to identify a facility where she can go on Medicaid pending until the house sells.

Placing mom in a fAcility is still caring for her. You are making sure she has the care she needs.