Please help me. I don't know what to do or what NOT to do. My mother who is a 76 year old widow, (lost Dad from bladder cancer 2 yrs ago) was just diagnosed with colon cancer. We are getting her into Sloan Kettering.
Just to give you an idea of the situation…
My partner & I were asked to move into their large home when Dad was first diagnosed with cancer. I work from home, so I was able to take care of them, cook for them and do the necessary things they needed with the help of hospice. When Dad passed away, I began taking my mom shopping, continued making healthy meals and providing companionship, etc.
I have 3 older sisters. Two of them are very business career women. One of them does freelance, just as I do. We both share in taking Mom to the grocery store and medical appointments.
The sister who helps me, as giving as she is, does not do well with stressful situations. When Dad was sick and in the hospital, she had thought that I left my mom alone at night because I failed to answer my phone at 10pm. I was sleeping. When I finally answered, she screamed and said, "I'm coming over and I'm going to kill you!" (She has bipolar disorder and is a heavy drinker.) I had to call the cops and she was outside the house screaming blood curdling cries, as if she was being murdered. She eventually apologized to me, but I had to keep her at arm's length because these types of episodes occurred often.
Mom is a planner. She took out a reverse mortgage on the house, not a lot, but enough for me to buy it out once it's offered to the final heir in the home (me). The equity would wash it up anyway due to the value now. Anyway, it's not something I bring up or talk about, however my sister was here and said, "I'm moving in with my boyfriend and animals and gonna live here!"
#1. She is unstable and scary.
#2. Her boyfriend drinks till he's drawing in his own vomit. (NOT exaggerating!)
#3. They just inherited a million dollars from an old man they decided to take care of in his final years. They do this often.
Now, they want to squeeze my partner and I out of our home and we plan on having a family. I am in the process of trying to get pregnant, have been for a while. She is freaking out because I calmly stated that we needed the room when we do have a baby. Although the house is large, there are only 3 bedrooms due to offices and bedrooms converted into other types of areas.
Because of my refusal to let her move in, she flipped out on me again, but this time, even attacked my partner, who is the sweetest person you'd ever meet. As we were rushing mom up to the ER because she developed a sepsis infection, we texted my sister to let her know where we'll be and what was going on. I could not call her because I was in the back of the ambulance. My partner drove behind us.
When we arrived at the hospital, my sister was drunk and yelling profanities at us, screaming, "I should have gotten a phone call!!!! WTF is wrong with you? I deserve a phone call and not a text!!!!" We. could. not. call. We thought a text would have been enough since she is glued to that phone 24/7. She texted back, so I knew she got it.
ANYWAY, as we were walking into the ER -- she was still fighting with us, even started to push my partner and insulting her family and saying how unfair it was for us to have a child. Security had to cart her out.
Now she apologizes. We BOTH share in the chores of taking care of mom
Question: How do I handle this? I'm scared of her. She's absolutely psychotic and my mother says, "Oh you know how she is, she means well." But to threaten my life, my home, my partner -- isn't that a bit much?
I'm having so much anxiety over this that I haven't slept for almost a week -maybe 3 hours *if*…. It's ruining my health and I'm going into a major depression. I actually don't feel like living anymore because this isn't what LIFE should be like. I feel like she controls everything.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm hopeless and depressed and not sure if I want to be "HERE" anymore. It's just not worth it. :(
BA8, I am 100% against antidepressants. They are all chemically induced drugs that alter the brain and has shown in many studies that it works just as effectively as a placebo. I'm a writer and was asked to be on Dr. Oz about this very topic as a guest on his panel.
If a side effect "may" cause suicidal thoughts - then what's the point?
"Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself."
These pills are the reason why so many kids are committing suicides and shooting each other in schools. I truly believe that.
When the health care proxy is changed, tell your sister (when she is stone cold sober) that you will not contact her if anything happens to your mother, you are going to change the locks to the house & not let her in, and you are going to restrict her contact with your mother until she gets into rehab & starts going to AA meetings. And, also make it clear that you will not deal with her vomit-choking alcoholic boyfriend either. Explain to her that her behavior after she's been drinking is totally unacceptable & inappropriate and you will not tolerate it.
If your sister does not do well with stressful situations, then don't involve her in the stressful situations. Contact her when the stressful situation becomes less stressful. And explain that to her-----that you're not contacting her because you wanted to wait for the waters to calm a bit before you contacted her. And if she gets angry, just point out that it is exactly that kind of behavior that you are attempting to avoid.
When, and if, your sister pulls another stunt like the one where she was outside yelling & screaming, call the police & have limited contact with her so she can't accuse you of having bi-polar disorder. When the police arrive, have them come in the house & speak to them in the house, not in front of your drunk sister. You may be able to prevent this from happening again if you tell her what your plans are in the event that she pulls a stunt like this again. You might also let her know that one more totally outrageous stunt like that one will result in you filing for a restraining order against her to keep her away from the house, and to prevent your mother from getting upset.
Your concern is taking care of your mother. You can only draw a line in the sand when it comes to your sister & her alcoholism. Her addiction is not your problem, but protecting your mother from it is your concern. Your sister's behavior is clearly a huge stressor in your life & your mother's life. Her statements about moving in are just threats, and she says them because she is trying to manipulate you & upset you. You say that when she is "calm", she is a very sweet & giving person. It doesn't sound that way to me----it sounds like she is far more manipulative & controlling than anything else.
You also might think about the timing for having a baby. If you plan on caring for your mother during her cancer treatment, that is going to be a heavy load. Caring for a baby & a sick mother is an awfully heavy load to bear. When they both need you at the same time, who are you going to take care of first?
Speaking of your sisters, you only mention them once in your initial post, that 2 of them are "very business career women" and one of them does "freelance, just as I do. We both share in taking Mom to the grocery store and medical appointments." I'm guessing the one sister that also freelances is the alcoholic, bi-polar sister?
If you haven't done so already, you need to have a serious face-to-face SIT DOWN CONVERSATION with the 2 "very business career women" sisters (without the alcoholic sister present). You should be discussing your mother's future care needs with them and how THEY will participate in this situation. I'm sorry, but being "very business career women" does not absolve them of caregiving responsibilities. Your mother is THEIR mother, too! They need to step up to the plate and pitch in physically, emotionally, and financially (actually, ALL of the former). They also need to support you and your partner as to dealing with the alcoholic bi-polar sister. Your sister did not become alcoholic and bi-polar overnight.
I agree with the other poster who commented that perhaps your mother is "playing" sisters against each other. The elderly (though outwardly sweet) can be master manipulators when it comes to their adult children. I am not familiar with the legal consequences of reverse mortgages -- you would need to consult the bank, the reverse mortgage lender, or an elder attorney on that one. Reverse mortgages are complicated --- you don't want to "assume" you'll be getting your mother's home when she passes. You need to become familiar with any and all documents relating to the reverse mortgage, especially since you and your partner are living in said property along with your mother. I know there's "no money" but sometimes you have to find a way (and I don't mean dipping into your 401K -- bad, bad idea --- just don't do it). Get some support from your career business sisters. You cannot do this alone! It is no wonder you are depressed and want to end it all. Join some support groups (they are free) in your community relative to depression/mental illness (yours and your sister's bi-polar status) and perhaps AA (alcoholics anonymous). If your sister has been officially diagnosed as bi-polar, I'm sure she was prescribed medication. Is she taking her meds, not taking them, taking them with alcohol? Bottom line is -- you can only control YOUR circumstances, how you react to your alcoholic/bipolar sister, and you must protect yourself and your partner. Again, whenever the authorities are involved (you calling the police, the hospital calling the police, etc.), make sure YOU remain CALM and COLLECTED. This is the only way to prove to authorities that YOU are not the problem, your sister is, and that they will document this in their reports.
I also agree with the poster who said now is NOT the time to be thinking about getting pregnant! That would be a total disaster in this situation. Until you have a plan in place to protect yourself and your partner from your sister's threats of bodily injury and her screaming crazy fits, it would be totally unwise to being a child into this environment.
{{{Hugs}}}} are sent to you. Be strong and protect yourself. Formulate a plan (sooner rather than later). Get your other 2 sisters involved. Right. Now. (Oh yes, and do change the locks on the house.) You need to convince your mother to change her health care proxy and get your 2 other sisters to help convince her. It seems like you are doing the majority of the caregiving anyway so have your mother designate YOU as primary. Good luck and let us know how your are doing.
Really?
They just want peace. Nobody can 'disturb the nest' so to speak. I cannot get a restraining order against her due to her not being able to visit my mother. My mother would be devastated and that would cause more stress for her if she wasn't able to see her daughter (even though she gets stressed while she's here.) It's strange.
I am remaining calm. If she acts up again, I will not only record it, but I will call the police and remain CALM and not say a word unless asked. She is a very abusive person and very scary when she has these outbursts. Right now, (after the storm of course) she is begging for forgiveness and being as sweet as pie. I don't trust it.
I have no plan. My partner and I are going to just move to a pet friendly condo that's about 15 minutes away from here. This area is pricey, but we can manage if we just stick to a budget. I guess I'll let my sister have what she wants: this house. Let her. The winters are brutal here (although gorgeous in the summer) but it is too much house for me anyway. I'd rather live in peace on a budget than be in distress having her claws in my life.
This thread has helped me figure some stuff out. So thank you. Although I am kind of sad to even be thinking about moving out of my childhood home that is so so beautiful, and so so sentimental to me, I am going to have peace of mind knowing that my future home will be mine with no obligations of letting "her" inside.
So fricken sad you know? I feel sort of numb - strange. I have been feeling very very fatigued, (maybe depressed) and sort of disconnected to everything. Tonight I made a nice dinner for my mother and sat outside with her to keep her company. She was in good spirits and I revved up her memory asking her things about her past (so her memory would improve - short term). She did well. I just want my mother to be okay and to live a quality life - that's all. And if that means keeping the peace to the best of my ability, and leaving when the time is right, then so be it.
I feel like I'm the one stuck with 'this life' - I can't have a baby when I want, I can't have a life with my partner the way I want and I can't live the life that I want. I feel so stuck and lost. I've been praying a lot which helps, but the fatigue is so so so debilitating. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow thank God. Hopefully it'll be a good session.
And to answer your question, no - my sister is not on medication or therapy. She said that the Paxil she took 20 years ago helped her and now she has no more anxiety attacks or depression. (HA) Then she suggests that I should go on antidepressants and get some help. I AM getting help. She doesn't even want to help herself. I'm afraid that if I address her alcohol problem that she'll get combative, and right now I can't emotionally absorb that without sinking into a deeper hole. My partner has been so helpful and supportive. I feel bad for my partner because my sister attacked her so horribly, that my partner is literally traumatized by the event. She even blocked out some of the things that had happened. That's how bad she is. We are very forgiving people, but this really was a bad scene.
Just another tidbit: we went to a family gathering at this restaurant the other night and my sister showed up plastered for dinner. She then drank 4 more glasses of wine and a huge thing of some sort of sweet liquor - she was so loud, cursing and talking about inappropriate things at this beautiful fancy restaurant, that I just put my hands over my face in embarrassment while my sisters were just sitting there laughing with her - as if it wasn't a big deal. People were turning around gasping. I mean - SHUT UP YOU DRUNK IDIOT! My mother turned toward me and I just made conversation with her. She always sits next to me because she knows that she can talk about whatever with me instead of hearing my sister ramble on about her sex romps and business deals. She's incredibly self-absorbed and never asks mom, "Hey, how was YOUR day?" She's so insensitive and it makes me so frustrated.
Sorry. Venting.
Please send some good vibes my way, or prayers, or positive energy. I'm really sad and I love my mom so much - she's my best friend. I am so scared. I'm crying as a type this. And now my dog is looking at me like, "Oh no, again???" o_O
Thanks for listening to me, helping me and just being so incredibly helpful. This has been the most helpful message board I have ever been on. I even want to go as far to say that some of you have even possibly saved my life.
So thank you…
1. Al-Anon. Seriously. No reason for you to be that deeply and personally ashamed of your sister's poor self-medicaiton strategy and its consequences. Bars and restaurants are supposed to stop serving drinks to people that are that obviously past their limit, BTW - the onus should not have been on you anyways! Protect yourself and let your conscience be clear. They have online only options. It's for free or whatever you might donate. Check out www.ola-is.org/
2. Re-assess your specific diagnosis and treatment with your psychiatrist with an open mind. Antidepressants are **usually** first line for anixety disorders, rather than benzos - and definitely first line for PTSD - even a low dose basically gives your brain more good neurotransmitters to play with, so you actually have the bootstraps to pull yourself up with... BUT.... and that's a big but ... folks with true bipolar or schizoaffective disorders frequently, alnmost typically, get hypomanic (which could feel like being frenetic or more anxious) and maybe that's what happened to you. Side effects are what they are - somewhat unpredictable, but correctly dosed and selected medication or mental illness, with attention to what's working and what's not, can be life saving. Frankly, the side effects versus benefit ratio on prescription Rx usually beats the pants off ethanol, THC, and most other things people try for self-medication. Keep a list of the doses and drug names of anything that worked, worked partially, worked but had side effects, had nothing but side effects, or did nothing for you.
3. If meds are not going to work, there are some dietary strategies - like chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate (nonfat if you need to watch calories), figs and dates, blueberries and apricots and anything else with "good" xenoestrogens like coumestrol (hops, celery) , maybe soy if it agrees with you, lotsa good green stuff, and B vitamins, but YMMV. And of course physical activity, as if you had time - but anything at all is better than nothing. Getting away from a smoky house with all the nasty chemicals in that stuff could have its benefits too.
4. Get legal advice either from an eldercare attroney with a reasonable initial consultation fee or an estate planner. I spent I think $300.00 for a consult with a lawyer whose website made it clear their office knew their butt from a hole in the ground when it came to Medicaid issues, and that might do as much to relieve all your anxiety as counseling that would cost more than that. POAs can possibly be quietly removed for non-fulfillment of duties also, depends how they are written.
I cannot imagine trying to work more than full time, plus caregive the rest of the time, while trying to deal, let alone end up LIVING with potentially/periodically violent substance-abusing people. You really are between more rocks and hard places than a lot of people on here! You have great strength just to have endured as much as you have. There is going to be either a way out or a way through - don't let yourself forget that people care and YOU matter.
I just wanted to copy & paste a portion of your comment if you don't mind.
"Re-assess your specific diagnosis and treatment with your psychiatrist with an open mind. Antidepressants are **usually** first line for anixety disorders, rather than benzos - and definitely first line for PTSD - even a low dose basically gives your brain more good neurotransmitters to play with, so you actually have the bootstraps to pull yourself up with... BUT…. and that's a big but … folks with true bipolar or schizoaffective disorders frequently, alnmost typically, get hypomanic (which could feel like being frenetic or more anxious) and maybe that's what happened to you."
****
I have been to tons of psychiatrists, psychologists, LCWs, PhDs, MDs, XYZs and all have diagnosed me with "generalized anxiety disorder". It never differed from that 'label'. The psychiatrist that I've been seeing for the past 15 yrs or so has also diagnosed me with GAD. He prescribed me with 2 mg of ativan when needed - 1 in the morning and 1 at night. It has helped me tremendously. But I know they can be addicting and I don't have an addictive personality (habits) and have never experienced an addiction really. (Thankfully!) Like me, he is against antidepressants. The word, antiDEPRESSANTS is contradictory to people who have anxiety. So what happens to me is, I am not depressed. I have anxiety disorder. So, when I take an antidepressant, it gives me a 'boost' to lift me up - as it should for people who are clinically depressed. But for me? It gives me horrible panic attacks and 2 of these scripts have even sent me into the ER with seizures. Not everyone can take antidepressants and I have even pushed for the 2nd month trial - I said, "I'm just gonna get through these side effects and push through," because I was SO desperate for my anxiety to calm down.
It only got worse.
Believe me, I can give you a list of every single antidepressant out there on the market that I have tried, and nothing - nothing has ever calmed me down. I didn't just take it for a week and then chuck em' - I really gave it a chance. My body reacts to it violently.
I was never diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm very knowledgable in the psychology field and know for a fact what bipolar disorder is. It's not a bad thing, and the stigma behind it is just sad, but I know that I don't have any of those symptoms, as my doctors also believe I don't. Don't get me wrong, I have my highs and lows, but they are not extreme. Circumstantial events in my life, like this one make me really sad, scared and panicky. You don't have to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder to think about ending your life. Sometimes it can just feel hopeless where there will never be an end to the madness.
# 3 on your list was awesome! I do everything you say - I am on the Paleo lifestyle which is basically all clean food, no carbs, no wheat, no sugar, no GMOs - all veggies, meat, fruit and even dark chocolate is ok in moderation! (Good for the heart!) I eat a lot of blueberries, I take 3,000 mg of vitamin D. I got blood work to see what I was deficient in, so I wasn't just taking them and hoping to relieve myself of ailments and whatnot. I have degenerated disc disease (back problems) which sometimes triggers debilitating days - but right now I'm good. The exercise is minimal, but I do get out and walk with my dog which helps me a lot. I cook really super healthy foods, and spend my money buying fresh meat with zero hormones, steroids at local farms. My mother's doctor said the diet I am on is perfect for my mother since carbs feed on cancer.
You know, generally speaking, I hold a very healthy lifestyle, from my diet, to maintaining this home, taking care of my mother and my partner and making sure that on weekends everyone is fed and taken care of. I also keep in mind to take care of "me", because if I don't, I can't take care of anybody else. So I have days where it's just a "me" day - a "mental health day" if you will. I play guitar, I'm a writer and author and I also delve into photography and filmography. I have a lot of passions in life which helps me to push through.
BUT… (the ol' but)…. When my sister reacts the way she does, she really puts a PAUSE in my life. I feel paralyzed with fear and anxiety when she attacks us so harshly. AND, it can come at any given time. That's the scary thing about it. Yesterday afternoon, she came over and was just sitting on my patio with her dog. She likes to bring her dog over to play with mine. Thing is, I work at home and I have deadlines, so I can't just throw everything aside even though she thinks "working from home" isn't really "working" per se. That irritates me too. So I let my dog out and explained to her that I needed to submit my work in an hour and I was really behind. She was okay with it and then came back after playing with the dogs and just left without saying goodbye. She even asked, "Is it 12 o'clock yet?" (Meaning, is it time for a glass of wine?) She knows I don't touch the stuff, especially during the day. I have a glass of wine with dinner or when I'm out at a restaurant. I haven't drank with her in a very long time because I don't want her to drink more. She thinks I quit totally. I just know how to stop at one. She stops when the bottle runs dry.
Alanon. Hmm. I have to do this. I know that. You are so so so right. When I looked up Alanon meetings - they were all at 10:30am on Mondays. Does anyone work?!?! So the nearest one that is at a decent time is like an hour away from my home. I really hate this area!!! lol I might just take the time and go to the 10:30 one and see how that goes.
Oh and by the way, I don't let my mother smoke in the house anymore. She goes outside or in a separate bathroom that's attached to this garage - it's not an issue. This house is really strange and has been built on and built on so there are strange rooms connecting to strange areas. It's actually really cool, but I allow her one section so that the house does NOT smell at all. She has cut down significantly as of late.
Thank you again for your comment. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon! (YAY!) He has no clue about mom being diagnosed with cancer or what my sister has done to us yet. I haven't seen him in 1 month. (Go to him once a month.) I'm hoping he can give me some sound advice like you all have done.
AGAIN, thank you! I appreciate every single feedback. I just hope that I don't get sad and hopeless again. I WILL get through this and I REFUSE to let her abuse me again.
God bless you all!
I'm willing to accept what is, remain silent and just do what I have to at this time. I guess I just have to live in the moment and forget about this house or the thoughts that it is "definitely" mine. My partner and I have been doing home improvement projects that are pretty costly, more so restoration. So now, I won't spend the money unless I know for sure. Nobody talks about "wills" or what's going to happen. I don't want to talk about it with Mom because she already has so much on her plate and I find it flaky a bit. You know what I mean? The ONLY thing I truly care about is keeping my mother here with me and giving her quality of life. I love that woman!
You mentioned your sister showed up to dinner at a restaurant plastered. Did she drive there herself (alone)? If so, not good. Any restaurant worth their salt would not have served her any more liquor. Period. Since they did, they would be liable if she left there, drove and injured or killed someone. The next time she does this (appears ANYWHERE already drunk and out of control), I can't see how the police (when called) do not arrest her for DUI. A DUI is very costly (moneywise) and a couple of those will net her having her driver's license revoked. This would ultimately eliminate (for the time being) anymore confrontations. I know you just want to "keep the peace" but know there is no peace when your sister appears out of control. This will keep happening time and time again.
The police could have been called at the ending of your restaurant meal and they would have been waiting outside in the parking lot when your sister got behind the wheel. As soon as she would have sat in the driver's seat, they would have confronted her, made her go through a field sobriety test, blow into a breathalyzer, then arrested her. You do not have to be actively driving to be charge with a DUI.
Trust me, I am in law enforcement and this is the procedure. Perhaps if something this "traumatic" happened to her, it might be her "wake up call" to get help.
In any instance, you must protect yourself and your partner (physically and emotionally). You must realize YOU are doing the bulk of the caregiving (living with Mom and attending to her daily needs). It would be wise to get your own place and then step back and let your sisters do for Mom. Mom seems to be in denial about the alcoholic sister. At least, for now, the good news is that Mom's cancer is in remission (??) and perhaps now would be the time to do for yourself/partner as far as getting a new place to live. This move would do you a world of good. Change is scary, but change can be good. You deserve it!
What I am thinking about doing is, the next time I see my sister leaving a location drunk, I am calling 911 and stating that she is leaving totally intoxicated. Problem with that is - my brother in law can LISTEN in on the 911 calls. He heard me the last time when I was trying to get my father an ambulance because he fell and broke his hip. He heard every single word. I am embarrassed to do this, but I have to. I think he'll totally understand, but it's still very embarrassing that he can tap into these recorded phone calls. But I want my sister off the streets.
My mother's cancer is not in remission. She just got diagnosed with cancer. She is gonna start chemo and radiation soon. Her prognosis is "good" but not out of the woods yet. I am so scared and worried to lose my best friend.
I'm not a hateful person, but at this point, I feel like I really hate my sister. She is so mean and reckless and doesn't give a rat's bum about anybody else. :(
Thanks for responding…