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Mom lives in upstairs of my house, can't clean or declutter. She sleeps most of the day and only comes downstairs to eat or do laundry. I tried to downsize all her stuff when she moved in. She has every bit of furniture in her room that she had in her small house, and there are stacks of papers and hobby items everywhere. My garage and kitchen are full of the stuff she refused to get rid of and will never use. She won't go through the stacks of papers or stuff she can't possibly need anymore. She's on meds and goes once a month to therapy, but is still acts like she can't do anything. You can barely walk around in her room. I've mentioned hiring someone, and she says she can't afford it but she can. I'm worried that she'll trip and hurt herself and sad that she can't find her way out of the funk. I simply cannot do it for her. It starts too many arguments when I try to cajole her into throwing things out or donating them. She always says I have to go through those papers and update my records, etc. Always an excuse. She mentions projects she wants to do but won't even attempt them. The stuff is lying around everywhere in stacks. She reads all day or plays computer games when she's up, but mostly sleeps and so can't sleep at night She gets up all during the night which keeps me awake, and I can't relax when I hear her up there. She'll go back up after a noon breakfast and say she's going to clean up, but she never does it. She keeps getting distracted or something. She's still sharp enough to keep up with politics and stuff, but occasionally forgets her bills and needs reminded about upcoming events. I would like more time to work on my own projects and to go back to work, but I wouldn't be able to keep a job because she won't find alternative transportation for her dr. and store visits. I've provided her with alternative ride information, but she won't use it. I know a lot of people have it worse, so I hate to sound whiny, but I'm in my 50's and have my own health concerns, and two young adult children who need my guidance more now than ever; one is special needs. She can't afford AL and doesn't qualify for medicaid. Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated.

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Thanks Jeanne. I have just become aware of some additional veteran's services, which we will look into, and I do think it's time we went back to the elder care atty. All this comes at a time when my mildly disabled son has come home to live and we are dealing with SSDI and HHS people doing the paperwork and Medicaid runaround for him…sigh. It's just overwhelming some days.
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Ya, facilities do vary a lot, amicable. And sometimes the experience in a rehab situation, without your own furnishings and without building long-term relationships with the staff, is not the same as a "permanent" placement in the same facility. I think it would be good to see an attorney, and also start looking, casually, at the long term care facilities in your area. If she becomes unable to do stairs, that may be a necessity.
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The amount would only last her 3 or 4 months. I'm really not sure how good the other facilities are...there is one that sounds promising, but the one she was in before was awful!
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Sounds to me like she's blackmailing you into keeping her in that house and not having help, in order to leave her savings to her son.

Go back to the elder law attorney and see how best to structure an agreement about what she is paying you so it won't be considered gifts.

How long could she live in AL with the money she is saving for her son? In your area are there good ALs that accept Medicaid, perhaps after a period of private pay?
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The stairs are getting harder...I told her during one of her hospital stays in which she got pneumonia from laying around so much, that if she couldn't go up and down stairs she couldn't come home. She spent a month in rehab at a nursing home and hated every minute of it. She does NOT want to go, but realizes that it might happen one day. I hate to bring up the money to her, as she is contributing to the household and does dishes occasionally (that's about all she can manage). Plus she gets very defensive and angry, and truthfully goes into dementia mode when I try to explain that she needs to spend that last bit of money in her account, or it's going to the nursing home and my brother won't get anything anyway (not like he ever contributed, much the opposite as he's the worlds worst money manager and we've bailed him out many times, but she just didn't want him to be left out of her will like my dad did to both of us). Her biggest issue really is chronic back pain and all that joyful stoppage that comes from living life on narcotics, so she lives in the bathroom praying for action. All she ever talks about is the "d*mn politicians" and how much her back and stomach hurt. I hate that she feels terrible all the time and there's nothing I or the doctors can do, it seems, to improve her situation.
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She was hospitalized a few years ago for a severe complication of HBP because she refused to try another BP med after the one she was prescribed gave her side effects. She had an artery blow out, and while in the hospital, it was determined that she needed oxygen 24/7. About 3 years ago, she deteriorated to the point where she couldn't live alone (housework, yardwork too much, and no more driving due to meds). We had bought a house with her and paid 2/3 of the mortgage while she lived there for 7 years. She paid the other 1/3 with interest from savings from when she had sold her old house far away from here, which was really supposed to come back to us when she passed. This was before I knew anything about Medicaid look-back. Our house wasn't big enough and neither was hers, so we sold both and bought a bigger one. When her house sold there wasn't much equity, but the joint savings that she had used interest on to pay her 1/3 was removed from the joint account and put in to my name only and the amount was the amount I had deposited all those years to go toward the mortgage, as we were basically loaning her 2/3 of her payment every month. All blessed by elder care atty. However, there's another savings she refuses to part with, that she intends to leave my brother and which disqualifies her from Medicaid. She also gets VA Aid and Attendance and SS. I do collect 1/4 of our monthly fixed living expenses from her for food, utilities, her cell phone and transportation to store and dr appts and help with finances etc. I don't have a written agreement which I guess I should do soon. Would you call that rent or caregiving? Not really sure what I should be doing about that.
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If she can go up and down stairs, and play computer games she would be fine in assited living. This situation could go on for years and years, only getting worse. It won't be easy but you should start laying some track in that direction now.
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I'm curious how your mom came to live with you. Are you roomates (sharing expenses and chores) or are you her caregiver. If the later, she should being paying rent and you should have a caegiving contract signed by her, so that down the road, those funds won't look like they were gifts.

If caring for her keeps you from working, then you are caregiving. She pays you a wage and you hire a housekeeper.

However, it sounds as though this arrangement is not working out. Have you looked into low cost senior housing?

It also sounds as though her depression is not being adequately treated. I would go with her to her next appointment andvtell her doctor about the hoarding, lethargy and the rest, or send her/him a letter outlining your concerns.

I'm curious why you say she doesn't qualify for Medicaid? Does she have substantial assets? They should being used for her care.
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