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Ok, so I think this is a strange issue I'm having trouble getting a hold of, perhaps someone can shed some insight. My mom is in the early stages of dimensia, she was diagnosed in August. . It's been a rough couple of years, as she's been getting worse but now at least the family is all aware due to the diagnoses. . However, about a year and a half ago my mom decided she didn't want to live at home anymore. . After staying over for a few days while I was away on business, she basically stayed with us ( my son who is 8, my fiance and myself). We currently live in a 1 bedroom apartment. . It's tight with the 3 of us, with my mom staying in the couch along with her dimensia symptoms it can really get crazy in our house. My relationship with my fiance had been strained to begin with and things are truly worse than ever between us now, we get very little privacy and my mother is constantly inserting herself in any conversation were having, no matter if it's really her business or not. I try and understand ad that it'd the dimensia and not to argue. . My mom owns a house not far from where we leave where she lived with my Dad that she days she is selling but is making no effort to do so, our family is now going to try and sell it this spring. . She also owns a vacation house she just bought herself 3 years ago she hasn't seen in 2 years, her sis lives across the street. . Her sister in law has offered to let her stay in her basement apartment and she had agreed to but now will now stay there. . She sometimes goes and stays with her friends for a few days. I would really like to find my mom a place to stay where she is comfortable and happy. Right now, she keeps bouncing from place to place telling us how's she's helping my aunts, or that she's helping us, or she's helping her friends. . When she's with us I try not to argue with her but it's very very difficult as we are baaciallyntalking care of her and she insists she's here to help - this can get messy concerning my son as he has afterschool activities and a regular babysitter and she feels she should be watching him. This does not turn out well as she isn't able to help him with his homework, get him where he needs to be, etc. But she gets angry when a babysitter shows up. . She'll also just sit on the couch all day, she won't even ask to change the TV channel. I try and help her, or suggest we find her some things to do but she so far won't. . She'll just sit around incessantly texting on her phone, I suppose to her friends and sisters. . So, really what I feel I need to do is get her situated, likely in my aunts basement. . Find her some activities. . Have her come spend time with my son a couple days a week or vice versa. . But, in order to do this I need to get my fiance, my aunts, her friends and most especially my mom on board with all of this. . So far, I catch a lot of grief from everyone but I can see this situation is just not workable. . And while I would try to find a way to live with my mom, her crashing on my couch almost every night ( she insists on the couch by the way) really isn't healthy for any of us. . Any thoughts?

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I forgot to mention that your mother may be couch surfing because she doesn't feel at home in any of the places she visits. She may actually love finding a place that she can call home.
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Boosic, do you think she would be open to visit some of the facilities nearby. Often facilities will offer free lunches and a tour to possible residents. The lunch can be the most interesting to people, because they can see and meet other people living there. It will also give you a chance to see if the facility would be a good fit.

People are free to come and go from the independent or assisted living facilities that I am familiar with. If a memory unit is needed, she would probably have to have an escort before leaving. Many facilities are quite nice, but they are expensive. Since you are in NY, I imagine it will be more so. You'll probably have to see if you can sell your mother's properties so she'll have plenty to live on. Your mother seems to be a sociable person, so she might thrive in a senior community. Some communities have residents that help with many things, so life can still have a purpose.

I agree your apartment is too small for too many people. I hope you can smooth things out with your fiance. I know her tolerance is being tested in such cramped quarters.
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Show him literature, videos about dementia. If she's mis- managing meds, that can get dangerous. It sounds as though she may need a facility with memory care services as an option down the road. Please get the health care proxy in place so you can have two ways conversations with her doctor.
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Now I'm just venting, but this has so been a major issue; how do I get my fiance to realize my mother is not here to be our babysitter, she's here because she needs our help.
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She is on meds, she cannot manage them. . She is very secretive about it, won't let me see that's for sure - but when her sister checks they're a mess. She likely has depression as well. . I guess mainly I feel like the people around her think they are helping by letting her do as she pleases, but she's actually very miserable and I know she needs a better situation than this.
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We did a meeting with the social worker in August, we have to power of attorney I'll check on the other. . At was discussed, but as I brought up at that meeting thr most important issue would be getting me mom to comply. . At this point, it's also getting her friends and the rest of the family on board with me to create some real structure with her; at the moment everyone just let's her do what ever she pleases and I am the bad guy for telling her what to do, she tells me "you're not my father you can't tell me what to do". I really appreciate you responding. . I'm watching the videos you recommended right now, I going to try and set up another appointment with the social worker with the intent of getting a plan set up. . Thanks again so much.
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67? Oh, how sad! There are also Independent Living facilities, the one my mom was in provided three meals a day and activities, light housekeeping. you can come and go as you please in IL, not sure about AL.

The question really boils down to how much care and supervision she needs. That's a conversation who need to gave with her doctor, first and foremost. Can you call your local Area Agency on Aging and get a social worker to do an assessment of her needs? You might be able to access this through insurance as well.

Is she on meds for anxiety or depression ? Is she taking them, i.e., can she manage her own meds? Is there preexisting mental illness also?

I would accompany her to her next Dr appointment with whoever is managing her dementia, both so that the doctor hears from you what's really going on and so that you hear what the doctor's opinion is. I'm assuming you have poa and hcp in place?
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Thanks so much for your response. That seems like a rational idea, however it's going to be difficult to get anyone to be on board with that. . There's some great places near our apartment where I think she might actually be happy if I could get her to go, im Going to start looking into it. She's only 67. . Any thoughts on in home care, say in my aunts basement apartment? . Personally I feel she'd enjoy the assisted living facility. . How easy would it be for her to leave for a day here and there to visit her friends / etc.?
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She needs to be in Assisted Living, where there will be structure to her, people to talk to and activities to participate in. What is the family giving you grief about? Take her to and elder care attorney to make sure you've got poa and health care proxy in order.

There is a difference between not arguing and setting healthy boundaries. There are videos by Teepa Snow that may help you see where the differences are. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
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