How to respond to Mom (85) diagnosed with dementia? She's started sobbing a lot saying she wants God to take her.

She sounds narcissistic. My Mom was the same way. She died in May. When you're raised by a mother plagued by this disorder it has lasting consequences. I cried as she lay dying, I told her I knew she did the best she could as a mother and grandmother, and I know she lives us the only way she could. Her behavior through the years has left two daughters scarred, emotionally, and sad that we never had a relationship like some people have with their mothers - best friends. I'm simply trying to remember the fun times - few and far between - and make sure I'm not trying anyone in my life that way.

If you can detach or remove yourself a bit from the constant exposure and realize that you cannot make her happy or content, you will feel much better.

Good luck and hugs to you.

My mother was negative most of her life, more so in old age. She was finally diagnosised with Alzheimers. My sisters and I insisted on a a evalation at a hospital stay where they had examples of her paranoid, mean behavior. They finally gave her an anti-pychotic med that helped her and us. She told my sister. "I didnt know what id do with you when you were growing up, but now I dont know what I would do without you. Later when she had to go to hospice, we said stop other meds but nit that one. She died a loving, sweet grateful mother, looking forward to seeing Dad again in Heaven.

Sounds like your mother is long overdue to be evaluated for medications which might give all concerned some peace of mind. Blessings for this challenge.

Hi y'all,

Both my mom and dad were very negative. Naturally, after he passed and she become more stricken with dementia, it got worse. All I can say is, the correct medications have changed our lives...and the medications are:

Citalopram 20 mg. for depression, and

Risperdone 0.05 mg. for delusions.

Oh, let me tell you about those delusions. They were not fun and all directed at me--who else was there? ( no sibs). My mother said such awful things about me to the other residents at the AL that they were all recommending to her that she call her lawyer. They stared at me when I arrived--the ones who remembered anything. Now, after the senior behavioral clinic and correct meds, she is peaches and cream every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I have mentioned before, I thank the doctors daily who gave this to my mother. We have nice visits because of these medications and for no other reason.

Lakegirl 3 - what was the med they used for your mom? I'd love nothing more than to see a "happy person" for the rest of her days.

Basically going through the same thing but at home. Nothing we say or do is ever enough or good enough. Negative all around and wanting to bring everyone down to her level, bringing others down actually makes her feel better. Crazy, right??? Anyway to get attention is a good way from not showering to leaving whatever kinds of messes she can around the house for others to have to clean up. She can shower herself, she just won't and she knows where the trash can is but won't use it. She knows it makes people upset and knows if she keeps doing it she will get attention through confrontation.But let someone come over that does not live here and she is like night and day or better yet go to a doctors appointment and she is fine and dandy. I'm convinced she knows exactly what she is doing. Trying to manipulate situations to get what she wants at the moment.
I refuse to live like that so I do not respond to any of it anymore. I do what I have to do as far as cleaning or care but I just do not say anything about anything that does not have to be said.

Salisbury, I read that Risperidone should not be used with dementia. Why did the doctor give her that? No bad reactions of any kind?

Don't take anything she says or does with more than a grain of salt. My mom is in a memory care unit with dementia, as well as other medical conditions. Every day is a new day with her. One day she is lovely and smiling, the next day she is obstinate, miserable, and crying. She has A LOT of anxiety now, can be paranoid and delusional (usually when she has an infection like a UTI). I need to speak with the attending psychiatrist to prescribe stronger meds for her to make her more comfortable. (She has afib and CHF, so we have to be careful about the meds she takes.) If the visit does get too negative, I just tell her I'm leaving - and go. Oddly she can't remember much of anything else, but she DOES remember that I left after she got too cranky. :o) And, as usual, the next day is a new day!

I can certainly identify with your all of these people. i am going through it right now. My mother has had issues all my life. Being the youngest of three I was with my Mother the most and my siblings have always wanted to distance themselves from her and her controlling negative behavior. Some she cannot help she was an only child and did not understand about having a sibling or understand my relationship with my sister and how she fit in with that. I could go on about that but the dementia and her illness she has now has played a toll on her. She has all the same problems as the faithfulness person she is the same age. Maybe being they are children form the 30's it affected them in some way they feel entitled to being treated differently. I try to make sure I get things for my mother at the nursing home while i am there and it seems I am putting the nurses and aids to task to satisfy her wants. We had her stay in the nursing home from rehab because we would of had to have round the clock care or my sister and I would have had to run for her and all of us agreed it would have been so difficult to do that. I sill feel guilty she ended up the one place she had not wanted to be. She does not like any of the other residents and feels she does not belong there. Since December after one fall she will not venture out of her be and has become bed bound and gets upset and has difficulties if she is in a Gerry chair for too long. We celebrated her 85th birthday yesterday, but in shifts mothers day my Mom told my sister it was too much to have us only my Sister and her two daughters and my self all at once. So we spread it out. My mother is still in control did not attempt POA for finances thought she would not pass their test. Also getting a notary was never possible anyway. Sorry if I am rambling things needed to feel like others were going through this also.

Daybyday88,

Well, dementia, memory loss, alz. Is there ever clear diagnosis?

She is great and no bad reactions.

I think individual people need individual medicine my mum was put on Citalopram and Risperidone and god did they make a difference - she hallucinated and was worse than ever. After 2 days they stopped the meds.

So while one set of meds works for one there are no guarantees at all.

What I would say and it is really hard to do is detach yourself as much as you can and go visit when YOU want to. Remember she may need help you may be offering help but ON YOUR TERMS. If she is rude to you walk away you don't have to put up with it. Narcissism is a beast that can only occur if you allow it - that said I have allowed it so don't think I haven't a clue....I've fed the beast for years and now reap the consequences and they aren't easy either. You DON'T have a DUTY to care for your Mum you do have a choice and it is OK to choose NO. You just have to live with your choices. Being the coward that I am I chose yes because I can't live with the alternative - this would be breaking a promise to my Dad and I really couldn't live with that. So sit back consider what you are going to accept and make a decision and stick with it. Good luck because none of this will be easy at all xxxxx

Well ... lack of dietary fats affects the brain, including mood. Bet she's on a low-fat diet. That messes anyone up, if they're on it long enough. Chances are she's on statins, too. Statins also mess with the brain and do more harm than good. There's a lot of information available on the web saying as much. Would your mother become more pleasant on a better diet? Maybe.

We become what we absorb. Hence, if we have a Standard American Diet (meaning focusing on high-carb processed foods), we become mentally and physically ill. If we dwell on negative thoughts, we become negative even with the best diet.

If you can, you might try to get her to make some dietary changes. Maybe she can take more fish oil, and put butter, olive oil, and coconut oil on her food. You’d need an enlightened nutritionist to back you up; I don’t know if they’re available where you are.

Yet if she’s determined to be self-absorbed and pessimistic, it’s unlikely she’ll improve.

But at least you can take care of yourself! Eat your good natural fats (not trans fats). Reduce your carbs. (Look up the ketogenic diet – it’s helped many people.) You can deal with stress better if you’re physically and emotionally stronger. Blessings to you.

I agree and, as I have said, the ten days in the Senior Behavioral Clinic to fine-tune my moms's meds were worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They didn't let her go until she was in optimal condition, and I am so grateful to them.

Faithfulness - I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I too went through a similar situation with my mother. She was in independent living and constantly in need of my time (not very independent) she was drinking a large bottle of wine every day. Totally negative, but I could see through it all. She was lost and scared, lots of tragedy in her past. I finally realized that I was just increasing my anxiety and stress and could control that - couldn't control her, but I could change my approach. I decided to follow the Bible "Honor thy Father and Mother". Doesn't mean you have to jump at their command or anything else - but honor them for who they are and what they did for you, even though it may seem like it was not much positive. Just love her and honor her. When I did that, my whole perspective changed and she slowly started changing. Then she had a stroke and instant dementia afterward. We had to put her in a NH and slowly she became the loving person that I always knew was inside her. She smiled all the time. We would bring her favorite songs on CD and she would sing along and we could see joy in her in those moments. While she eventually did not know us, her final years were sweet.

I don't really have any miracle message for you. Just do what you have to for yourself, and maybe if your view of her changes, you will find a way to connect with her on a loving basis. Prayers and hugs to you.

You and your husband are saints, for putting up with her for all this time. Either she will "get over it" in time. Or not! You both deserve a life. You have placed her in a good facility. Her dementia is only going to get worse. She is 85 and has lived a good long time, with a loving sacrificing daughter. She will be just fine. No Guilt, my Dear!! No guilt.

Like you said, she's angry over all of this. The people who work at the home see this all the time. When a loved one will not accept that they need/should be in a facility, the guilt trip they can put on their loved ones is enormous. Keep it in front of you all the time that this is best for her. It won't be easy because also you love her but you get fed up with her behavior which is totally understandable with many of us. She also knows this is her last stop before she dies but that's the way life goes, and it's not your fault either.

I didn't mean to sound callous. You have done all you can for her. The constant guilt trip is a drain on you. Maybe her counselor can give you advice on a way to respond to her. I don't know if trying to explain to her why she's there would even sink in. If her short term is bad, she wouldn't retain any information for long. Just reassure yourself that she is in a safe place, and well taken care of. Hopefully her resentment will fade. But if she's been demanding and unkind to you...it's just the way she is. Insecurity is definitely a cause of her despair, but Honey, if you feel that in her place you wouldn't want to be a burden,,,, then reassure yourself. Your health is suffering. You have already done all you can for her.

Dear Faithfulness--
The simple fact is, when certain people deteriorate and decline with old age, they cannot function like before -- or like the rest of us. Alzheimers affects cognizance, perception, manners, socializing, even reason. In some elderly, their formerly negative tendencies get hugely magnified, and they don't have the social sense to hide them. Be patient, loving and charitable with your mom. She's declining and she knows it probably. And it's scary to her. We don't know how we'll each decline and what we'll be like when we're close to dying. All you can do is love her and reassure her. I found that for my elderly dad, when I brought our priest to him to talk with him, give him the sacraments, and represent that Christlike presence to him, it was greatly affirming to him. I, too, took care of my dad for 8 years in our home before a serious hospitalization for sepsis forced us to put him in nursing care.

My husband was very nasty and verbally abrusive before the doctor got the right medication cocktail, (Ativan .5 mg twice a day and Celexa 10mg once a day. What a difference in his attitude. He is pleasant, says please and thank you and tells me all the time how much he loves me.
I even got him to go to day care three times a week and he likes them and they love him. Talk to your doctor.

My mom is the very same way. Very manipulative and she is only 70 this year. She has threatened to call the attorney (which she did), change her bank accounts (which she did)--not all of them yet. It goes on and on. I have stopped going to the AL to see her because of her nasty attitude. It was making me ill--literally. Rash on my skin, tense neck, sick to my stomach all the time and very anxious and tired. I am feeling so much better since I haven't been. I do carry a suitcase of guilt with me everyday, everywhere I go, but lagging that around is much easier than the constant criticism she would give me. she talks about me to the staff at the AL and I am just now getting over that. After being "here" on the site for a year, I have taken much needed advice and it is working--slowly, but it is working for me. My mom too was on Resperidone and she paced the floors and stayed awake for days. We had to take her off of it. Not much works for her.

I hope you can find so some peace in all this. Don't make yourself ill or you will be in worse shape than her.

If I showed your story to my children and grandchildren they would be convinced I wrote it about my Mother. When I had to make the hard decision moving Mom from her home to Assisted Living she MAD and had one of her classic 'two year old' tantrums saying "I never thought you would do this to me." Yet when a friend would call or visit with her she would be another person and put on as you so well call it her "church face" and say things like "I don't know what I would do without Karen." Good advice from 'JudeAH53 ' "detach yourself as much as you can"....and walk away when she starts being her real self and bashing you. It really does help keep your sanity.

My mother is in an Assisted living facility and it certainly has introduced me to the wide variety of parent hild relationships. They vary from a daughtwer ho is there every day to make sure for 97 year olf her her scrambled eggs to her idea of what hr mother wants - otherwise she sends them back to the kitchen. She also talks evey minute she is with her mother so i think that daughters heart will break when her mother dies. no one will ev er listen to her chattring with such a look of love. Several daughters cook food at home and bring it to their mother in her aptments next fo=door to my motheres because their mother fears not being able to rmember anyones name. My mother doesn't put up with much from me but I actully think its good sign. I will invriably turn into my short tempered fathr when I have to hlp find her hearing aids everyth other day and once I start screaming about why she can't just take them out evry night in the same place she now looks me in the eye and says " If you're planning to stand there and yell at me for being an idiot , you cn just turn around and go home." At those moments I realize that is me who doesn't want to acknowledge her memory will never "just get better." And its me who wants her to act the way she did twenty years ago, I have two sistrs and the othr tow have never visited. the relationship you hae with your parent as they age started a long, long, long time ago and in some ways dementia simply makes people more of who they are. My mother tendency to worry endlessly is now paranoia. Hearing aid battery problems and trying to keep her from being as deydrated as every else in her facility does make her more incohernet than she needs to be,Her sense of humor is now her saving grace. And for me its given me a sense that all our outings for tea or making dinner at my house are nowhere near as conscintious as those of the other 'kids.' I don't show up 3 times a day but I don't come by at least once every other day. I know my Mom wou;d like me to be less spontaneous and spend at least two hours a day " like her friends "kids" but I can't. Mostly because its too exhausting to keep my own short temper on a leash while we endlessly look for things before we go on outings. . I've learned a lot about myself...and it is not all good.

Faithfulness: Your situation mirrors mine...and I am sure so many others here. From picking up helpful tips here and through others, this is what is currently working for me when I visit my grandmother and she exclaims:
1) "I want to go home!", "I'll walk home soon if no one takes me", "This is no place for me.", "What's wrong with my home?", "Its ridiculous to have a home and not be there!" - I answer: "I know grandma...I want to go home too." (She thinks I am traveling more for work now) "How about we go home when (the weather is better, so-and-so is back in town, the swelling in your legs goes down, doctor bills are paid off, etc.)... for now let's go for a walk. Then just get up and walk, knowing she'll follow. All the time I talk about other things, such as the facility cat, the clouds, the green grass, current events, family happenings. (Validation & Re-direct )
2) "No one does nothin' 'round here. No one talks to me. Everyone sleeps." - I respond with: "I know grandma...not everyone can be as active as you. Let's go for a walk and talk to some of the other residents." Then we go and she follows and I meet and talk with the other residents and do the introduction between her and others and we all talk about anything and everything. (Caregivers know by now that a person with dementia can be doing something every waking minute...though due to their condition, they will not remember what they just did...and unfortunately feel like they have done nothing.) The other residents with lessor degrees of dementia really appreciate me talking with them. My grandma asks each time how I know "these people". ;-)
3) "Why am I still here (alive)? This is nuts!" or other anger issues. - I just try to do the validate and re-direct method again. "I know grandma (give her a hug). How about we go play the piano?" Then just go towards the piano and tell her I want to hear her play. Even when she says: "Okay, that's enough, no one wants to hear my noise!." I just tell her that I do...Its important to me...that others do, that she plays beautiful music and I want to hear more." That usually gets at least 5 more songs outta her. ;-) 5 more songs worth of her being content, 5 more songs worth of her mind being at the age when she was happier, 5 more songs where I don't hear "I want to go home NOW!" ...and I again re-setting to remember to just validate, then re-direct. Continued best!

That's the thing about dementia. It can screw with a person's personality or exaggerate things that were already there. You have to keep reminding yourself that and not take it too personally. It can be a roller-coaster of emotions from the person who has it who doesn't understand what is going on and is incapable of expressing themselves. They may have lots of anxiety about things we consider unimportant. There's a write-up on Dementia by the Mayo Clinic that I keep handy, which does a good job of reminding me what I'm dealing with and p10 suggests non-drug therapies - suggestions on what you as the caregiver can do to help. I found I was doing the opposite. Here's the link: mayoclinic/diseases-conditions/dementia/basics/definition/con-20034399?p=1

I took care of my grandmother who raised me for 10 years, the last 6 years around the clock because of dementia.

It was the hardest time and very rough, but I rejoice in the bits of laughter we had, loved seeing her laugh.

For the most part, everything I did was wrong, according to her. They are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that they CANNOT take care of themselves.

In the last year, she went to live in a residential home. She acted the same as you mother.

Now my father in law is going through the same. Acting the same as you describe, the same as my gram.

One thing I noticed that I'd like to tell you, is that both my grandmother and my father in law were given the TWO dementia drugs Aricept, and Namenda.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved two types of medications — cholinesterase inhibitors (Aricept, Exelon, Razadyne) and memantine (Namenda) — to treat the cognitive symptoms (memory loss, confusion, and problems with thinking and reasoning) of Alzheimer's disease.

Neither my Father in law nor my grandmother had Alzheimer's they both suffer from dementia.

Those medications caused BOTH of our family members worse emotional pain. They caused delusional thinking. Both of them even had hallucinations.

They also gave my FIL Ambien! Everyone in the family thought he was AWAKE ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT, but in reality he was in his sleep. Those are the side effects of the medications.

We took my grandmother OFF the "memory help" drugs and she no longer hallucinated.

The same for my FIL. We took him off the "memory" drugs and the ambien and he is so much better.

Dont know if your other is on those. But it's worth looking into.

WHAT DID WORK FOR BOTH: Seroquel. Very helpful. Yes, you will read online that it says "not for the elderly, not for dementia" but it worked well for them and it works well for many with dementia.

On top of the Seroquel, both my grandmother and FIL took/take depression medication SSRI My grandmother took Celexa, I cant remember which my father in law takes, but he takes one.

They both were sometimes on xanax. Whatever works

My grandmother tried the Resperidal that someone mentioned to you already. For some reason it didnt work. But I remember look back and studying the medication and others that used it and realizing that we didnt give it enough time, I believe is a medications that takes time to work and also, we didnt adjust the strength. We just gave it to her and thought it didnt work.

Because the MEMORY help drugs caused such horrible behavior, side effect and reactions from both my grandmother and FIL. They both needed to be heavily sedated. Because we didnt know that those were side effects, till I read it on boards like this one. Doctors never told us, the pharmacist never told us.
For my grandmother we did not know how to handle her hulucinations, she thought everyone was against her, she didnt trust us, she was scared....she would try to fight us, she thought she was being kidnapped.... it was bad, so bad that no medication would calm her down.....until the doctor gave us Haldol. I DO NOT RECOMMEND Haldo, unless a last resort. The thing that makes me mad, is that she wouldnt have needed the Haldol, if we knew that it was the Aricept, and Namenda. (memory drugs) causing this trouble with her. We did not know the side effects, so instead of taking them away from her, we gave her more drugs on top of it. The Haldol worked to sedate her, nothing else would, she was getting physical, she wouldnt sleep for days, she didnt want to eat, she thought she was being poisoned. Looking back, she was right, she was being poisoned by the memory drugs, they were making her feel and see things she didnt need to feel and see.

The Haldol sedated her, but she began dribbling, very week, shaky voice, couldnt talk. Some people never recover from haldol. Thank God my Gram did. We got her off of it in less than a week.

We got her off the dementia drugs. And things were better. Not perfect but better. She no longer needed the xanax daily.

Same with my FIL. Took him off the Aricept, and Namenda. and he no longer needs xanax to calm him.

Just something to look into and to be aware of.

The rest of the problems..... Well, they are not happy. They never will be really happy. They have lost their lives and their families, they are dying....its a no wonder they need depression medication, anxiety medication and seroquel or resperidal.

They arent going to get any better in that department. If they do, they are just dealing with all their feelings alone and keeping it inside.

At the same time. WE AS CARETAKERS go through the same. And we have to take care of ourselves. And sometimes that means we CANNOT anylonger take care of them. For me that was heartbreaking, sending my Gram to a residential home.

But, I WASNT takeing care of myself at all in those last year. I was caring for her and raising three children and homeschooling them.

I ended up heaving health issues caused by stress....and the doctor said I could no longer do it.....

My grandmother was mean to me as I cared for her, she was also nice sometimes. She treated me like I do nothing for her, when I did everything. She needed CONSTANT emotional soothing and conversation to sooth her and tell her "Its going to be alright".. that was CONSTANT for YEARS....and the minute I went to the kitchen to cook for her, or to do her medications, or to talk to her doctors on the phone....she was yelling "Sandy! What are you doing?!" as if I was waisting time.

She never even know that I took care of her all those years, because she had a memory that lasted one minute. As soon as I took her lunch plate, she forgot she ate. So she never knew all that I did for her. So we get no THANK YOU'S and we get YELLED AT sometimes and it feels like we are NOT APPRECIATED.

But, it's not their fault, they have dementia, their brain is disintegration and dying.

If they were younger and already had some problems in behavior/manners/ personality (as my Gram did) than, we cannot expect that to get better as they are aging with dementia. We can expect it to get worse....and its not their fault.

Their brains ARE NOT going to progress. There are little things we can try to teach them.... like consequences.... because they act like children.....but there is no guarantee that will work, because they are not children with brains progressing.... they are our elderly with brains digressing. None of us would be happy in that circumstance.

If my grandmother had my phone number while a caretaker had her through the night (in her home care a few nights a week, so I could take my kids home and we could TRY to sleep)....then my grandmother would call me all through the night.... there were times that I finally had to not write my number down for her....and just have the caretaker call me when it was an emergency. Because I couldnt deal with that anymore. Sadly

But, when she was in a home....they need lots of visits. They need us to visit without calling, so we can check on the caretakers.. They may seem nice....but take lots of notice of their personalities.

My grandmother was abused in her "nice" Residential home. They hit her, they pushed her, they were rude and harsh with her and they knocked her down in a bathroom and she broke her hip and died from it.

Please visit your family members and go through the trouble of removing them from homes if you have ANY INDICATION of wrongful personalities working for them.

Install camera's, I wish I did.

Dementia is one horrific disease and doesn't differentiate! Good luck.

wow, Sandy, what a story - so sad, especially at the end, although, dare it say it, might have been a blessing in disguise with everything else - my dad ended up falling down his front steps and dying from it - do I wish it hadn't happened that way? sure, but do I wish he'd lasted longer in the shape he was in, can't say I do - I feel for you; I was somewhat trying - and did, at various times - to take care of my dad while homeschooling just 1 - can't imagine having tried to do while trying to homeschool 3 - but while doing that he had his grandson being with him as well and being the one going through the constant phone calls when he could still leave him or even before he actually started staying with him and when I would start staying with him to give him a break after he did and even when I would be staying with him before at various times before he started he would either call him all the time or want me to when I was there and even sometimes then when I wouldn't he'd find his phone number, which was posted on his wall - maybe I should have taken it down when I was there - and call him and want to know what he was, what he was doing, when he'd be back - I did at least make sure he was back in town on those times when I was staying with him for him to go out of town and knew he wasn't going to be able to be coming right away - but was so hard trying to deal with dad with those times but, like you, he needed those times away because it is hard,even at best.
Regarding medications we had the opposite situation with the Haldol; far from sedating him it made dad worse but then instead of them seeing that and quitting they just kept giving him more, saying they must not have given him enough - 4 doses they gave him till I said enough - I never knew some never recover and maybe he didn't; he never really seemed the same after that but he did get over what they claimed they were giving it to him for, which he was getting physical as well; they had a nurse sit with him before they started giving it to him but giving it to him didn't help, just made it worse; this was when he'd been taken to the hospital, admitted to icu, but mainly think then because it was policy in their icu to be catherized, was what he was really fighting and thinking, yes, basically, that he'd been kidnapped and taken to the hospital, if he even realized that's where he was - he'd collapsed at home and been found but had been at least somewhat roused up enough to finally agree, in that sense, to go, but not really up enough to really realize he had so he was scared and maybe not hallucinating but certainly didn't realize he was in the hospital or if did, why, and honestly, looking back, not really sure myself - I know they did find he'd had a heart attack but they weren't going to do anything about it and they said it was not uncommon for patients in icu, maybe especially elderly, maybe already with dementia, to have what they called hospital psychosis; anyway, he'd taken a sleeping pill every night for a long time and that's all really he was wanting, was his pill, which of course you know how that is once you're in the hospital; what told them, if they'd just call the doctor and quit trying to calm him down with a shot but just get him to give him a pill, or honestly, I was just about ready to send somebody to the house or store - they were just otc - or somewhere and get him some kind of pill - a M&M might have worked at that point - and get him something to take - so they finally did - they didn't want to; it was late at night by then but if they'd just done it earlier wouldn't have gone through all that I don't believe; Ambien is what they ended up giving him and at least it did - or at least didn't seem to have adverse affect, like some have said, thankfully - or at least the act of taking something - calm him down and he - and I - were able to get some sleep - and the staff was able to get back to work

Also having said all that I never knew anything about these side effects of Aricept either; don't remember ever seeing that but may not have been on these type boards back then when they gave it to my mother, who did have hallucinations but was also dealing with other things back then that I attributed it to; will say though that she did have things to say about being on it, that, now I wish I'd paid more attention too; actually even as I type this it's making me really wish I had; I wonder how much difference it might have made - I'm now just hating that so bad - so glad you at least found that out to at least ease her from that - it was so horrifying for her

Having said that, I'm not sure I'd known that about what's said about Seroquel but my friend's mother, diagnosed with Alzheimer's, is given that - they say somewhat to help her sleep, or at least to help with her agitation when it's bedtime - not that she doesn't have it other times but that's when they really would like for her not to be in order to sleep, which it does help with it and therefore then does help her to sleep, not that it necessarily in and of itself helps her to sleep so...

Even tho I had repeatedly requested that the staff NOT give my mom ambien for sleep,they continued to do so.She would be fine,then turn into a crazy person when given Ambien,{as I do also.} Your mom might in fact HAVE dementia,but please make sureshe is evaluated by a third party.I did,and am so glad I did.My mom has since moved into a small apartment hat I had put onto my house,takes cares of herself and even yesterday helped me with water and my vitamons after I had some dental surgery.Point is? Make sure she really IS ill and not just being written off as "old and in the way"...Good luck,my heart goes out to you...

so, desert, are you saying it turned out your mom didn't have dementia?

Desert, I've just about decided my father will be best if he lives with me, too, but I'd like to give him his own apartment. Was that hard to do?

Yes!!! She did NOT have dementia at all!!!! But if they had continued treating her as if she had? Who knows? She is downstairs vacuuming her little apartment right now! Eldercare,in this country,really pisses me off. Danamovedon,no it wasnt.I added 2 small rooms,one living room and one bedroom.It gave her her own space,and her privacy.She got to decorate it,and picks the paint colors,and almost everything else.I Love the fact that she is right under my bedroom,and I got a baby monitor,to hear her at night.BEST thing I ever did! She stayed in the main house w/me,bt kept acting like a 'guest'.like not wanting to open the fridge,asking if she could have a cuppa tea etc.We have to remember that our parents lived full and responsible lives b4,and to rob them of it now? well? Maybe thats why many of the DO give up?