What's the best way to handle mom with dementia that's just been placed in a nursing home and is hateful and mean?

Hi Sylvia, Ask your employer for an FMLA form and have your Mom's doctor fill it out. This can help protect you from losing your job and/or benefits when you need to take unpaid time off due to your Mom and her care.

I completely understand what you're going through. I am thankful to have a good team of supporters, but every day starts new challenges. I will suggest that I found a wonderful advocate through the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. She will walk us through all the steps to getting my mom set up in the the best care situation for all involved, including the best local board and care facilities in the future (could be next week or many months or more, depending on how cooperative she is in assisted living). Doctors were of little help, and this woman knows the system and each step along the way.

Dementia is some bad stuff. I feel physically sick from everything.. The care center is going to schedule a meeting with social services.. I can't attempt the insanity again with her, she is too progressed. My brothers are in denial and so clueless. They had some crazy idea of bringing her back home for four hours a day with a caregiver to let her transition to the care center.. Funny thing is, two weeks ago she wanted to live at the care center she was there for medical reasons for a couple of weeks. She told her case manager she no longer wanted to live at home and now she said the case manager is lying we have dumped her there.. My brothers believe everything she says and they think we are exagerating her progression.. I am going to stick with my decision. I feel that if you let someone who has dementia drive the bus,, buckle up and get ready for one hell of a ride.. I am the one who stepped up and agreed to live with her when my dad passed suddenly,, but I also told everyone if she needed 24 hr care I was not going to be a 24hr caregiver.. We did not really know where she was at with her dementia.. After a few weekends with her alone, I told all my siblings I needed help with the weekends I was so stressed out. My sister put together a weekend schedule to rotate between five siblings,, the two that don't live in town could hire a caregiver for their weekend. Nobody thought that was fair except for my sister. So then the sibling that lives in town stopped helping completely,, he used to take her to some of the doctor appointments.. So then between me and my sister we had the entire load,, I work fulltime and so does she.. I also have a teenage son who has been placed on the back burner.. We sent her to daycare during the day. I called called into the bosses office recently and told that I cannot be missing anymore work because of my mom.. Keep in mind, I only missed one patient day that mattered and that was because I caught cdiff from her and was up all night.. Thank you everyone for letting me share.

Going through the same things. Moving mom in a week from independent senior living to assisted. Has always had a negative personality, but the awful things she says to our great family team now, along with constant calls of falling and being stuck, then can't find her and she's in the dining room, after family leaves work to get to her. Hoping she does better in assisted living, participates in activities, or board and care is our next option. So far no diagnosis other than very high anxiety and trying to get her to take her Xanax that helps, but had MRI yesterday. She will be handed meds to take in assisted and hoping medication regulation helps. Right there with you.

I would think that the staff at the care facility have certainly dealt with this problem before. As one commenter said, the staff at her mother's facility says it takes about 6 weeks for the patient to adjust. I know your mother is trying to make you and your sibs feel bad and guilty in order to manipulate you into doing what she wants. But if you truly believe that the care facility is the best place for her and that she is getting good care there, try hard to ignore the calls (use your voicemail or answering machine to screen) and do your best to focus on doing the RIGHT thing, not just doing what she wants. There are times that I remind my mom that when I was growing up she used to tell me NO a lot, because she thought that was what was best for me, even if I yelled at her and told her I hated her. Well, the roles are reversed and no matter what she says or what she thinks, you must do what you believe is best for her. Remember too, YOUR mental health is just as important as hers is. Get off the guilt train.

One other thing, when you go on a tour, they will try to get you to make a deposit on an apartment, if you are not ready at that point tell them you have other tours scheduled before you decide. Ask about all charges such as doing laundry, do they supply toilet paper, soap, shampoo, ect.

I called 'a place for mom', they were really good about emailing me different communities to tour. It is a free service, they will even schedule the touring appointments. Visit more than once because they will schedule you during the quiet time of the day. If you like a community go back and visit unannounced. Look for a place that has lots of activities for the dementia residents. Afternoons are slow with activities because of residents starting to sundown or taking naps.

Thanks, it is good to know that we are not the only ones going through this. My mother has been on antidepressants for awhile. We would like to see about placing her in a memory center instead of just the nursing home. She is not capapble of relaxing either. It used to drive my dad nuts. She does not do well at home, that is the reason she ends up in the hospital within a few days everytime. My brother takes her to culvers and lets her do whatever she wants. She is on a cardiac diet and that is the reason she ended up in the hospital the last time.. She thinks there is nothing wrong with her and we are trying to steal her money and dump her in there.. Keep in mind she doesn't have any money but a small savings and that is being saved for her funeral. We didn't think she would be able to go to a memory center because of her medical needs.But she doesn't have medical problems when she is not at home.. So I think that is a option now.. She did really good at the adult day care she went to. Do you know of any good memory centers in arizona we live in Gilbert.

We are going through the same thing with our mom. I did have the staff remove her phone for a week...we were receiving 14-18 calls a day with hate messages. Mom is in a memory care unit at a senior living community. She is fine with the staff, eats well, participates in activies...but when she has slow time on her hands, she calls crying....wants to go home, she thinks I am her granddaughter and that there is nothing wrong with her....I am her daughter. After replacing her phone after a week, the calls have reduced to about 3 a day. I am going to ask the dr. if he can increase her antidepressant, hopefully that will help with sadness when activities slow down in the afternoon. I visit her often and while there she does bring up the subject of going home but not like she does on the phone. I am there at least 3 x's a week but you would think I have abandoned her...which I would not do. The head nurse at the community told us it takes about 6 weeks on average for a person to adjust...they are not concerned because mom does eat well and participates in activities but during the afternoon activities slow down because of other residents who are sundowning start pacing. My mom is not the type of person who will relax, she is very hyper vigilant about her surroundings...even when she was at home. She was barricading herself into the master bedroom. When my mom calls me, I hear all the replay of the ugly things she has said to me all my life. I screen my calls and listen to the messages. I hope you can possibly get your mom on an antidepressant...it may help more than you think. Hugs to you!!

Thanks, she has always been self involved, but usually its just when she doesn't get her way. And two weeks ago we brought her home and she was saying she wanted to go back to the nursing home. She got sick and went to the hospital and they transferred her there and she doesn't remember any of it and now she is stuck on us dumping her there.. It is very heartbreaking to see her so upset. Today she told my daughter (her grandchild) that she should have aborted us all. The case manager told me to stay strong and walk away.. I have been her caregiver for the last six months working full time with a teenage son. With very little help from the siblings,, aside from my sister who is a nurse and handles all of her medical and paperwork.. My fathers life was cut short due to her illness,, he did it alone and kept her true progression from us.. He passed in his sleep Christmas night 2012.. She is at the point were she cannot be left alone I was only given caregivers for the am two hours to put her on the daycare van and in the evening two hours.. I endured all the weekends and it really took me down.. I'm ready for things to calm down.

So sorry! Was she always like this, or can you blame the disease?

Screen your calls, or get the NH to remove her phone until she settles down. She wants to say those things, but you don't need to hear them. It will almost certainly get better, but now immediately.