My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

This has to be the hardest time of my life. I have both parents very self absorbed all their life. Mother has a personality disorder father just enabled her all his life. Now they are 95 and living independently. They did nothing for their parents just put them in a home . Now they expect the world from me. I've no children I was so affected by domestic violence I was terrified to have any and pushed me away until it was too late . How do I find it in me to cope any more as it gets worse . I've been to the doctors and insisted my depression is recorded and that I'm way to affected to be their carers . Any pushing by social securities hospitals or siblings will have to get too through my medical history .
Sorry no regret, no guilt. I have a lovely husband and he comes first

Yes, my Dad is similar. He was always self centered and overly demanding and if he said the sky is red, we had to go agree or he would make you miserable.

Now, with the dementia it is worse. Everyone is bad and has wronged him and he is always a victim. And he always has a villain in his life.

My brother recently took him up to his place top stay because his dementia got bad and he was furious that my sister in law mistreated by looking at him funny and leaving him alone in the house while they went to work.

If we try to get him help he threatens to throw us out of the will to make us back off. He would never allow a diagnosis, would not move with us and any help is treated as an attempt to have him "put away". A

He does not care about anyone else's concern, only his own. He was always this way but it is worse now.

As long as she's still competent (and she is.....and a long way from being declared incompetent), I'm not excusing her behavior. I'm not her whipping-girl. 

She will never live with me. My brothers know that if it's too much for me at some point, I'm walking away, and she's all theirs to deal with. 

Amen! Everyone deserves a minimum of respect.

However, you've gotta' rework that, unfortunately, if she has dementia. They're not responsible for their actions, even if they were like that (maybe worse now) when they were of sound mind.

"I have been surprised on a number of occasions by women telling me they "secretly" loved their sons more than their daughters; and what really surprised me was not only the calibre and variety of the women - I'd thought better of them - but also that they each considered this natural."

I have three brothers. One of my sisters-in-law told me just last year that when she was pregnant, my mother told her, "You don't want to have a daughter." I'm the local sib and only daughter. My brothers all live out of state. I have been told repeatedly by my mother that my time is not worth anything.

She started her directive to me to do extensive research to check out fall alert devices, and I suggested she ask my brother (the one who is least interested in my mother, yet the one she favors the most now). So she got upset at me and started her crying and shaking routine while telling me my brother's job was more important than mine, and so I'm the one who has to do all the research on a fall alert button for her.

If it was only just doing research...my obsessive mother requires microanalyzing every detail of every device, getting the absolute best deal, etc. I am not spending hours on this.

I know she considers me worthless. So I guess I'll just be that way, and not do her bidding!

Yes, she is declining mentally, but as long as she can insult me and expect me to be her servant, I can also decline to do her bidding.

They, your brothers, want to keep her in the home, is that? Fine. Let them make any necessary arrangements. Just as long as they're happy for her to be their problem and not yours.

Either a crisis, sooner or later, will force the issue and you will have the enormous private gratification of thinking "told you so", or it will turn out that your mother will stay peacefully (or otherwise, just as she likes!) at home and pass away gently one night and everyone will be happy. But in any case it won't be your fault or your doing. Why bang your head against a wall trying to please someone who's determined not to let you please her? - especially when she has her boys to wait on her and take responsibility.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the boy v girl conundrum. For a start it's always complicated, but even more to the point there isn't a thing you can do about it. I have been surprised on a number of occasions by women telling me they "secretly" loved their sons more than their daughters; and what really surprised me was not only the calibre and variety of the women - I'd thought better of them - but also that they each considered this natural. Whereas I personally think it's a bit nuts.

Leave them all to it as far as you possibly can. Are you able to step back?

I don't know exactly what narcissistic means except full of onesself, but my mother is mule headed, wants her own way, won't negotiate, thinks she knows it all still, she is all that is important, doesn't consider what you might be going through in any situation, and selffish, self-centered, stingy, greedy, won't share her food with you and I am bringing it in, can't stand for me to do anything in her house, she thinks I am taking her stuff, hides stuff she considers valuable, tries to take her anger out on me but sweet as sugar to my two brothers, she hates women cause my dad run around (my belief), so she is doubly aggravating to the point I had to stop caretaking for her a week ago; I had been doing it just about alone for 3 years now with no help except for paid caretakers who we hired to come in, and/or health care nurses after her hospitalizations, and she ran all them off, mean to them. hit on them, threw water on one, told them to leave, get out of her house; but she has done the same to me. She is probably in her 3rd stage; we have tried medications, they seem to make her more aggressive, so we stopped them, now she is alone and my one brother comes in in the morning, gets her cereal, boost, and one probotic she takes. Then she is usually alone unless they decide to come back and bring her something to eat, but she has a fridge full of food and eats pretty good at times, but now sleeping alot. I think she needs assisted living, they want to keep her in the home, but we haven't found anyone to handle her full time yet. Any suggestions? Thanks

Linda,
It's OK not to love someone who showed no love to you-even if it is your mother. You (and I) are doing the best we can and that's all anyone can expect. Yes, it will be a relief when it's all over (for them and us).
My mother will be cremated, then I will call the few living relatives and friends to inform them. Nothing more.

This confirms my belief-"Live your life the way you want it inscribed on your tombstone." I'm trying to do that 'cause I'll be darned if I want people to remember me badly.

My mother has always been selfish codependent and narcissistic. She twisted me up so badly as a child that emotional abuse looked like love. She also insisted on a strict code of silence and denial. 
In these last six years of her highly dramatic decline she has made life h*ll for my brother and I from across the country. 
I have been wishing she would just die already but there is a blessing in the dimentia. She cannot create the illusion of normal anymore. After 60 years I can SEE the disease and insanity and what it has cost me my entire life. My mother is a hard miserable human being who has never willingly given anybody anything. It is not my fault for trying to get away from her. I am not bad for not liking her. There is no resolution or talking it out. She still admits nothing even when I gave her the chance to absolve herself before she dies. 
I will do my duty but I will not lie and drip honey at her funeral. I will be glad and I am at last ok with that. 

wow, its like I am seeing my life in each and everyone of these postings. My relationship with my mother was never a great one since I can remember and I am currently 55. I have resentments towards her from past history pre-dementia and I sit and think to myself how in the heck can I make these resentments right or fix these feelings or come to terms with these feelings of low self worth before she leaves this earth? I don't want to be left behind with having to grieve her and resenting her at the same time. and that sounds like a mentally chaotic mess . I don't want to find myself there. I guess I have to come to accept who she is ...who she has always been and try and convince myself that I am not who she says I am. thanks for letting me share and vent a little.

sorry you are going through this,,,you can only do so much, doesn't matter if you have other sibling..some help some don't, she probably would treat them all the same.. mine does, and she tries to pit us against one another,i don't play her games. so she doesn't talk with me, Her loss, prayers for all ..

Abusive behaviors, if not from parent then from other narc, twisted family members.

KCR - there is lots written about narcissistic parents on this site. You can do a search by clicking on the upper left 3 bars. I believe there is a genetic component, at least in some cases. Children may learn from narcissists. Caregivers of narcissistic parents tend to be on the receiving end of the most abusive behaviours, unfortunately.

I'm surprised there aren't more recent replies to this thread but, for what it's worth, the following words written by momsadvocate ring very true for me and are important for us all to take to heart:

"There are others that can take care of mom and not have to be abused by her. My mother is as sweet as honey in the facility, calls all the staff sweetie and honey and actually says 'THANK YOU' to them. Two little words that we NEVER heard one time come out of her mouth at home or to us.

Don't feel guilty that you don't rush to her side to care of her, she really would prefer someone else anyway. Stay strong, assertive, healthy and know when to walk out of the room."

Thank you for posting, momsadvocate. I'm caretaking my 81-year-old mother who has a severe disorder believed to be NPD. It's been a long road that hasn't ended yet but the legacy of pain, trauma and broken relationships has been living on for decades already. It's truly disgusting to see what can pass down generationally because we have too much yet to learn about this stuff. I can't predict what will happen to/for anyone else in my family but I visualize a positive outcome for me because I have taken some bold unique steps to heal. The buck does indeed stop here! If anyone is interested in hearing about what has helped me save my own life, please just ask.

All the best to everyone here, caregiving is an amazing and difficult journey. ~KCR

HateMooch007, hang in there. I share your pain. My father is same way. He loves to say very negative things and make people cry and angry. He deliberately does it to get a reaction. When I told him that my ex husband had died, my father clapped his hands and laughed, so I cried, that's when he really let into me, telling me how stupid I was and that I deserved every bit of the misery and he kept laughing at my pain.
Now I give zero reaction and don't bother to share anything of my life with him. I just look at him and show nothing. It takes a lot of work to not react but eventually I could see the look of disappointment on his face when I do not react. He stops the baloney after he realizes he is not going to upset me. And good for you for walking out the door. I know it's tough, don't get angry or frustrated. It just fuels them even more.

Thanks for your insight. I'm the one helping her yet she will say something cutting and then if I show any anger or frustration, she immediately claims I'm in need of counseling, and that her other son never argues with her. He is never around and avoids her and me. Its like I get baited . so now I put my shoes on and walk around the block, and she Is still berating me as I walk out the door.

Hatemooch007,

Basically my understanding is that the restraints we put on ourselves to not speak our mind all the time...like when someone offends you but the situation lends to you letting it pass and smiling instead...well with dementia, that goes away and there are no barriers that way. Also, because the brain is deteriorating, your mom will lose say a small piece of information, like the house is not up for sale, and the brain compensates and creates a story that might fit in, so now she might think that it is up for sale...and can even tell you she was there when the Real Estate agent came by. It usually gets worse before it gets better I'm afraid. My mom became physically violent and was so nasty...I was the worst person in the world...LOL...but really she couldn't help it...she had no restraint and things were partially fictional in her mind.

Wow, that's exactly my mom. Her narcissism is sociopathic at times. Last night she launched into ,saying I'm trying to steal her house, because we got a lawyer to do a trust. I have a half brother who does nothing, offers nothing to help, yet she will tell me how no good I am. I can anticipate when she needs me to unload on. So I head for the door, to get away from the abuse . she then slams me for running away. Does your mom scapegoat you, for all her frustrations?

It has been a long while since I posted...but I just wanted to chime in here after a long haul.

A bit of background:

After the h*ll of a year and a half with mom in mid stage Alzheimer's, sociopath on steroids, her Neurologist insisted that I get her into a home because it had become a danger to myself, herself and my kids.

So it took about three months, but I finally found the right place for her and that was a little over two years ago.

She has since passed into a more advanced state and is no longer aggressive, and in fact is not speaking hardly at all.

Taking her to the home was the best thing I could have done for her and for the family...she is in an amazing place where the staff is consistent and they love her very much.

To be honest I have been mourning the person she had become prier to the disease ever since and today I can say that I think I've finally come to the end of all of it.

She no longer is the sociopath, narcissistic I grew up with, but she is also not the more stable person I enjoyed the last 10 years before she had the disease.

I honestly look back and in some very real ways wished I had not had her move in with us...but I didn't know then what would happen...I was still expecting her to rise to the occasion at the time and it took a few months before I realized it would not ever happen.

My mom for many years told my brother and I she never wanted us to take care of her and would rather we lived our lives if anything happened...so on that level I have no guild at all for placing her in the Home...although I to have some pangs of guilt for not seeing her for months at a time.

We actually moved about an hour further away from her...it's an 1 1/2 hour drive to see her, but life is what it is.

The truth is that the anger and hurt are gone now...healed so now I miss my mom...the women she had become...I really miss that person.

But I feel good that she is safe, well cared for and loved where she is and have no regrets for putting the effort in to find a place that lent to our personal beliefs.

The reason I'm writing this is because I know how hard it is and want you all to know that there is relief in the end, and that it's OK to let go of the reins and it's OK.

Talking to a number of professionals in the field it seems our situation with an abusive parent is not abnormal...and when the time comes that they forget enough and change and are no longer the abuser, it is not abnormal to not know how to deal with it emotionally.

In my case I was able to get a set of eyes at the home, an additional PA that goes in and checks on her monthly, but is there and keeping an eye out for her patients 2 to 3 times a week...and it's covered by medicare to boot!

I hope this might help some of you trying to figure out what to do.

Also, in retrospect...if I and my Husband had been able to wrap our minds around what was happening to my mom sooner, I think it would have been better. Reach out to the Alzheimer's Association Hotline if you need to vent or to get information and strategies...they are there for you and a God send some days.

No, it is not a post war thing. Narcissism has been around for a long time. From the Mayo clinic:

Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:

Mismatches in parent-child relationships with either excessive pampering or excessive criticism
Genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking

It is a personality disorder and is a mental illness. It is characterized by disturbed interpersonal relationships -don't we know it!

I believe that narcissistic traits can accompany other personality disorders. I think we have a disproportionate number of people on this site with narcissistic parents as they are the ones who cause their care givers the most distress so they come here for support. Combined with dementia it is very hard to deal with.

It helps to learn about narcissism and how to manage it. You have to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Blessings

Linda, I was wondering the same thing. My mom is German and was in Berlin during the war. Maybe it is a matter of survival to just think of themselves.

Since I found this site I find comforting solidarity in the huge number of people whoalso are dealing with narcissistic parents in their 80's. Is it a post war or depression era thing

Thank you all for sharing just onboarded to site. I thought I was the only one dealing with this issue. But reading all your stories I see I'm not alone. Ty

As the daughter of a 'narc' I have potty for you. It will be necessary to ignore her, to tell her 'that's not acceptable', tell go off by yourself thanks I am not listening to such narcissism. Be aware she will try & control the family. You will need to tell her; we have the way we do things in my house & that won't be changing. With kindness I say that I think she may not be with you for long 'narcs' are just to much at best of times.

Lots here with this type of problem. I have refused to do hands on care giving. In any case mother is now 104 and I am 79 so it is out of the question. I detached from the emotional games as much as I could, and now she is beyond them. Counseling helped me. I do have POA financial and medical and a sister who has similar problems to my mother's so it has been a 5 ring circus at times. Please look after yourselves. Care-giving a mentally ill parent is very stressful. Believe me, you are not the crazy one and you do need to put your family and yourself first. Don't let the mentally ill person run the show. Narcissists want to be the center of your existence, That is not healthy for anyone. Even if they are your parent, you deserve a life for yourself.

I'm in this same situation with my mom. It has helped to read these stories. Could have written alot of them they are so alike. I honestly feel like I'm the crazy one alot of the time. My house is next door to my mom and I get to visit my husband for 2 hours a night while she watches a movie. Thank God for hallmark. I have to stay at night because she acts out her dreams. And thinks she sees all kind of stuff. Daytime she is ok after about 2 hours of getting up. Everyone that visits doesn't see anything off which drives me insane. When I get my grandchildren she gets jealous because the attention is not all about her. Ugh I'm getting tired just writing this.  Thanks and good luck to all. Caretaking is not easy. 

Yes, my mother and I have never been close and she is definitely narcissistic and dementia is making it worst. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom I just posted a question for the community because I'm about to pull my hair out. My mother curses me, gossips about me, lies a lot, is a hoarder, is worrisome-calls me all day and night asking me the same questions over and over, I have no privacy. I came to stay with her because she fell a couple times, my sister who has medical power of attorney is doing nothing, so my mother doesn't think she needs medication and my sister won't insist she go. . it's a nightmare. However a friend told me don't disagree with them, as hard as that might be it tends to make it worst.

Yes. I have been dealing with a Narcissist for years and when the Dementia set in it made it 100 times worse. And she is mean on top of it. I cannot give you any advice as I am going through it as we speak as well. But I can let you know that you are definitely not alone! Good luck.

Yes, there are others dealing with this. My mom is 92 and recently placed in assisted living. She likes it, and wanted it. But, everything to her these days is about her. No matter what the topic, she will turn things around to her. It's like she has a one-track mind. It makes it really hard to have a conversation with her, but we four siblings just try to keep the focus where she places it. Worse than that, is the manipulation. She will try arguing (and she never was argumentative before), pouting, crying, and even begging to get her way about anything. Oh, I forgot to mention guilt. She makes it harder and harder to just want to go see her. We realize she is not herself these days, but it is still hard.

Has anyone dealt with elderly parent with LBD who goes into these "manic" modes where they will not sleep (not even a cat nap) for 3 days and talk the entire time as if they are having a conversation with someone? Non-stop talking and awake. Then the "crash" period hits and could last for 2-3 days but during that time they appear to have passed or slipped and it constantly has us on edge. We do go in throughout the day and check vitals and be sure they are thriving. Any info is most helpful, please!