My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Greenie, it those stories that cut to the core, they hurt and make you just feel so crazy after all you do for them. The problem though I found out the hard way was these "stories" can become "others" truths and can land you in hot water. Been there done that and I refuse to give my life up and be placed in danger from her telling someone I am trying to poison her, kill her, not feed her, the list goes on, usually a story begins if I didn't make yet another cup of tea and donut for her upon her whim and desire, or not make her breakfast quick enough. No thanks mom, no can do no more,

My mother has always been somewhat of a narcissist and now has moderate dementia. It is depressing helping her because she not only doesn't appreciate my care, she takes every opportunity to tell completely fictional bad stories about me and my family to every one who will listen. I have tried to keep up my boundaries and do the right thing regardless of consequence. I have also lined my legal ducks in a row. My therapist said a wise thing in that I imagine all the craziness lives on a crazy planet which is separate from where I live. That way, I can deal with it without having to live in it.

I have tried to get her involved with people and activities but she does not like people and has given up the only thing she enjoyed, crocheting due to bad eyesight. I take her out shopping and to the park and she has a health aid that takes her out to eat and keeps her company during the day. I tell myself every day this is the best I can do and not to feel guilty, that she is lucky to have me in her life.

My mother's dementia and her ugly negative narcissistic personality has spread to my children, her grandchildren. Specifically, my daughter who also has NPD. I couldn't stand it any longer and cut them both off completely. It has ruined my life. My daughter has just started having children so I don't see my grandchildren now. My mother is the cause of all of this family disharmony. I hate her so much. I have been angry and depressed for a long time, been in therapy and tried every single activity in the book to distract me from the nightmare but nothing works. I believe dementia is caused by heavy metal toxicity (lead and mercury) and we in this country need to force the medical community to research it more and set up detox clinics or we as a country are doomed!

All I can really offer here is a hug. My mother is the same way, if it's not concerning HER, it doesn't matter. Sometimes it makes me laugh, in my mind it's exactly the way a 2 year old would behave if not given their way.
She's got numerous health problems, including failing eyesight. She constantly offers me a flashlight to see things that SHE can't see, but that look perfectly normal to us. We even had to replace every overhead light in the house with a 150w bulb! (It's like a doctor's office in every room!)
Sometimes it's just exhausting. I'll make sure she has a snack, her phone and something on tv, then pull a fast retreat to my part of the house (a downstairs garage-turned-apartment) for a few hours to write or read or just play video games for a while.
She doesn't get along well with... well most anyone, so we haven't been able to get her to agree to "adult daycare" or classes or any of that, but she still loves TV, and she has a computer of her own that she can still use, so she does get enjoyment from that (and facebook. She's found a lot of old highschool friends on there and sends messages on occasion)

Perhaps that would work in your case as well? If you have the ability, and she would like it, set her up on facebook and find some of her old friends? Or if she doesn't like that, maybe she'd like to play games? There are thousands of simple, bright, colourful games that are just point and click!

Oh how difficult this is. My sister has narcissistic personality disorder and dementia.The ONLY thing I have found that helps is this: The local Senior Center has a play reading once a month. My sister can read and act,(even tho she can't remember) and gets to be the center of attention at the play reading. So I get a few hours respite while she is there.

I have signed her up for other activities and classes, but if she's not the best in the class she doesn't like it She doesn't notice anyone else's needs or point of view. Sometimes it's funny, and it helps to laugh! Example: our hairdresser always has a bowl of candy out. My sister, who has always been slim and in the past watched her weight, eats every candy in the bowl without comment or apology. My hairdresser (a friend by now) prepares for our visit by limiting the number of expensive chocolates in the bowl.

You have come to the right "place" -- website -- for support in dealing with an aging narcissist. Your fellowtravelers are here with you, and here for you! Keep in close touch.

Do a search on this topic on this site and you will get a wealth of information from tons of people dealing with a narcissistic parent. Yes those narcissistic personality disorders are challenging from afar as is, now in with you and mid stage dementia, it will bring new meaning to "challenging." If she is able to participate for a while at least at an adult day center this is helpful because she will be around people and if she loves to be the focus of attention it will take some of the load of you. Good luck.

Both my parents were somewhat narcisstic. Aging issues can make this worse. Strong boundaries help. Please do not give up your life, daily routine and things that give you joy. Are there other siblings that can help? Possibly take Mom for a period of time and give you respite? Unfortunately you are a captive audience at this time. Hugs and prayers