My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

A lifetime watching my beloved mother spiral into a hateful cocoon, narcissist - borderline, increasingly dementia’d - who today sent me in the mail a package of name cards from my high school graduation (she had found at her house) in a ‘ziploc’ taped with rubber bands and cardboard card around them with “allergic” penned in childlike writing, with the aid of a sharpie pen, and arrows pointing to the ziploc’d cards with my name (her youngest child) she apparently has developed said allergy - me the last living child, with taped ziploc and rubber bands - a punishment for sending her positive messages & concern around the current world pandemic underway (she is 83, with millions of dollars & delights in enlightening me I deserve nothing) - good Lord people. How can a woman 5’2” possess so much hate? There is no amount of money in the world for the kind of manic unwellness this woman, I will Love forever, demonstrates. Is there any way to defy this illness ? To overcome such hatefulness - for her soul - not mine. She is the primary caretaker of her alzheimer’d spouse, I know she emotionally abuses for sport. I am detached from this toxic unfolding (live a State away, have kept away from her for decades) but wish her & her spouse a better & a more peaceful last chapter of life... are there folks out there with any positive end of life stories for their hateful dysfunctional narcissistic loved ones?

Yes yes yes!!!! This is me! I have yet to have mom move in with me although she has brought it up during one of her pity parties. Usually when she is fighting with my dad because he put up a boundary or he snapped back at her. The thought of my parents living with me crossed my mind but I can’t do it. I have two young kids and to add them would give me four kids instead of two. I also don’t think I could stand moms constant criticism laced with piety and good intentions. I could live with my dad, he’s pretty easy, but my mom nope, no way. She’s too toxic. And it hurts because I thought daughters and mothers were supposed to be close (thanks Pixar) and yet we aren’t. The other big fear is that I don’t want to expose my kids to this or myself to this. I don’t want to become like her.

Ive just joined this online awesome community and saw your post
i know it’s been years and you may or may not get this message but curious to see how you’re doing now?

Yes. My husbands estranged mother fell into our lap recently. One day, she walks out of her room and tells us that none of her clothes fit and she will be walking around naked until we buy her more. She brought all of her clothes with her when she moved in. They are the same clothes she refused to let us replace. And suddenly, she needs a whole new wardrobe. However, when we took her to the store to buy new ones, she had a meltdown because she doesn't want THESE new clothes. She wants to go to a local store in Arizona and we need to drive her there. We are in Oklahoma. She doesn't care. It's a nightmare. Last night, while I was trying to put the three children to bed, she stood in her doorway, half naked and loudly cried she was cold. Would she put on her warm clothes? No. How about the new winter robe, slipper socks and houseshoes? No. Does she want to curl up in her bed under all the blankets in the house (She had actually taken all the blankets off the children's beds and I had to give them mine.) No. What did she want? She wanted me to go out, buy a new central heater and give her a thermostat in her room.
Some days, it takes all I have to just breathe and say no. It's not that I don't care about her, but I can not WAIT until we have enough things in order to get her to a facility. I am going to have to try hard not to just dismiss her complaints when she's there. It would be far too easy to just assume every complaint is just "her". I wish you luck in dealing with this!

Omg yes. 94 year old grandmother broke her back and we have been caring for her all by ourselves. Today I just cried this has been so much on us. And I've been through more than most and am disabled... I honestly don't know how anyone can do this. But I just keep hoping and praying for better days. Many blessings for all who have been or are going through this.

It is a good idea to keep a journal on daily behavior of yourself and whomever , a dr may prescribed xanax as a way to help . Momma may have paranoia schitzophrenic and you may notice the most difficult times are 7-10 days before the full moon ( it has always been this way ) and you may find even you are very sensitive at this time . Her moving in and losing most of her personal items she has lived with for a long while can cause issues emotionally that she does not know how to deal with . Definitely ask the dr to consider something that really does work and perhaps depression help for yourself because this is hard but it won't last forever ..

Yep, me too. My husband of 30 years is a raging narcissistic monster, is currently being assessed for level of dementia and lack of capacity, and is a recent stroke survivor. The perfect trifecta ... :(.

The advice on this threat is spot on. Please heed it. As my therapist said: get educated about NPD, protect your assets, take care of yourself, and Get Out!

PS - you might want to check out Quora.com, the NPD section. It's an online community like this one and has a huge following for NPD victims and survivors. Follow the contributors who resonate with you. Invaluable learning and encouragement to Get Out. You are not alone.

Best of luck to you. Hugs!

This is my first post. I have an 82 year old mum and she is extremely self absorbed as well. On my day off, yesterday I took her to Drs because she has a wound that is not healing on her leg. She is supposed to wear support hose. She will not follow the medical staffs directions. She gets so excited to call all her friends and tell them all about her medical adventures. I love her and want to be there for her but she is exhausting to be around. I am feeling like I need some support to work through dealing with her when she is non compliant, negative, bossy, self absorbed and dismissive, she lives by herself right now, but I do not know how long this can continue. I work full time, and have two days off a week. But she plans my days off so I can do her bidding!

One of the few personality disorders in which the victims seek help rather than the instigators. It's a shame there is no effective treatment for it, and even if there was, getting the narcissist to accept help is unlikely to happen! The collective pain and suffering endured by victims of NPD must be enormous. These people need to be stopped.

How? I have no idea. Narcissists are always right and never wrong. Someone else is responsible. Their sense of entitlement knows no bounds. Their lack of regard for the feelings of others is shocking.

It seems strange to me that modern psychiatry has yet to come up with an effective means to treat these emotional vampires. The suffering goes on and on, generation after generation. Sad!

Omg. Gasoline on fire is perfectly out! My mom is exactly the same! It’s so exhausting and damaging. I envy those with mentally healthy parents.

"Like throwing gasoline on a fire".. couldn't be more true!! Yes I'm dealing with this. Difficult father all my life... "difficult personality" aka borderline/narcissist... nearly killing his golden child who is on 24/7 oncall catering to his every need and desire - now calling on his payback for all the favours and privilages the narcissist gave the golden child all his life. I being the black sheep opted out of the emotional abuse a few months ago - after decades of being totally unaware and brainwashed to be an abused doormat. Better late than ever!

The answer is very simple - this is a deadly combination. This will make anyone from God to the devil and all in between very difficult to handle and have in one's home or presence. I cannot and would not put up with it. The dementia is bad enough with the related negative behavior but then add narcisiscm on top of that, and it is good bye - she must be placed into a facility away from you. If you do not do this, YOU WILL BE UNHAPPY AND DESTROYED. You will never have peace or be able to live your life. Don't wait - do it now. And if finances are tight, there are ways to handle that - you just need help and advice. No human being should ever allow this or have it happen - it is just wrong and it has to be stopped.

Be very cautious here. When unethical people sense there are family problems going on, they prey on the older person, especially if they have the beginnings of dementia. It’s going on in places like Florida and Nevada, where there are high populations of seniors. It’s called “abusive guardianship”.

If you need to make someone understand what abusive guardianship is all about, have them watch this interview:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY1AQkJDUuE&t=677s

Good Lord, my narc mother with dementia is 92 (this past January 20th, but who's counting?) and things get worse on a DAILY basis. Thank God, she lives in an assisted living facility about 4 miles away, but since I'm an only child (at almost 62), I have the enormous pleasure of being the only one to deal with her chronic BS on a daily basis. I quit my job about 9 months ago but she thinks I still work full time. Why? Because she makes my life ENOUGH of a nightmare as it is, thank you very much. If she knew I was home, she'd torture me even MORE and expect me to be waiting on her hand & foot continuously! The things that have been ugly about mother in her younger days have become SO magnified that she is nearly intolerable to deal with nowadays. Her constant complaining and putting others down has gotten to the point where nobody can stand her anymore. Yet she's never wrong, nope. It's someone ELSE'S fault, never hers. Know what I mean? Classic narcissism 101. It's all about her her her, and nobody else matters. Nobody's ever doing enough, the grandkids don't visit enough, her daughter (me) NEVER does enough, her dead husband of 68 years was a total good-for-nothing who never gave her enough of ANYTHING she wanted or deserved, and on and on ad nausea. I call her once a day and get a stomach ache beforehand every single time. I see her once a week and dread it, but I do it because I'm all she's got, as wretched as I am. She'll live to be 100 I'm sure, and her money will run out in about 5 years, forcing me to apply for Medicaid. One day at a time is what I repeat about 100x a day.

Get your narc mother OUT OF YOUR HOUSE NOW, that is my recommendation. Or else YOU will be writing a story like mine soon except it will be a million times worse because you will have no escape from the torture chamber. Don't do it. It's not worth it.

My condolences for what you're going through. One day at a time, my friend.

**Yikes. I just saw this question was posted in 2013~! What happened?

Reading all these stories has made me feel both better and worse. My mother will be 81 in July and since my father passed 10 years ago, she has been declining mentally. She's always been narcissistic, but I wasn't even aware of such a thing until I did some reading. 10 years ago she verbally attacked my husband about stealing some piddly things from her garage and shed (which he did not). Things like bungie cords and small tools. Ever since then she has had a vengeance against him and anyone who disagrees with her. She has lost friends because all she wants to talk about is herself and "poor me". This has been escalating for 10 years. Every time a negative life changing event happens the conversation always goes back to the fact that she thinks my husband stole from her. I live next door, in a a rural community and my sister lives on the other side of me. She tells everyone that we don't come see her enough. So now, she has this guy that moved in with her. He's in his early 40's and has a criminal record and many drug offenses. She won't take our word for it that he is a bad person. She says she trust's him more than my husband. We are beside our selves with worry. The guy knows that he can manipulate her and is playing on her feeling alone. I alerted the local police and they are aware and keeping an eye on things. Unfortunately, unless they catch him doing something, there is nothing they can do. I feel like the title to my life story should read "ya'll aint gonna believe this sh.."

Yes, I understand what you are going through. My mother has Alzheimer's and refused me a POA so she's living alone. I go to her house when I can to make sure she has food or any other essentials. She has bad mouthed me to all the neighbors and there is always one or two there when I visit her to either stare me down or make remarks to me that I find highly offensive. She has painted me as her abuser. I'm so afraid of these people that I never visit any more without my husband. It saddens me that people are clueless about the condition and make judgements. Can you place your mother in assisted living? I wish you luck.

Yes, and until today, just now, I thought I was alone in thinking and feeling this way. My mom is 75 and was diagnosed in January officially. I was fighting doctors since summer last year to get a diagnosis. I'm also planning my wedding, I'm 39, getting married in October. I'm so blessed to have a fully supportive fiancé who helps me so much with her but her angry, mean, narcissistic ways are really hard to deal with. I've cried all day. My wedding should be about my fiancé and I and somehow she makes it about her every chance she gets. And if we don't involve her she goes crazy. I should be so happy right now and I'm really dreading how she will be in October. It's really helpful to know other people are experiencing this BS too and that we aren't alone.

So sick and tired of listening to whining about she could go back to her house and not be in anyone's way and be by herself. (Picture a little girl pouting and spouting off EVERY day.... only she is 93 1/2). Going to list everything step by step in a numbered list that I do (and that she is unable to do) and have a LONG talk with her Saturday morning. IF she is still insistent on going back to her house 3 hours away and living, then I will divorce myself of EVERYTHING related to her and go NO CONTACT.

My mother is 94 and has been living with us for 1-1/2 yrs and at first I thought I was not going to make it. She has always been difficult, especially with me. I am the older and 8, 9, and 10 years older than my siblings. She has dementia and has been suspicious of almost everyone for the past 25 years. I could never do anything right and if I recommended something she would veto it. I was at my breaking point when God took over. He softened her heart towards me and she has become very thankful for me and tells me. She had never done this before. Her dementia has gotten better since she's been here where she eats better, is socialized and I make sure her meds are properly taken. I had always prayed that she would show me love, but until I truly turned it over to God and trusted Him to take that burden, it didn't happen. Being a 24/7 caretaker is tough enough. I thank God that Mother allowed me to take care of her in her final time. I now have a relationship that I have always wanted. With God on our side, we can bear any situation. I hope you can find a peace with yours.

I read this and cried I have gone thru this with both my parents, had minimal support from their dysfunctional families, and had to cut myself away from all of them for my own health and sanity. It is so amazing how hard you work and how horrible someone your caring for can make you feel. Especially when the are coherent. Father would speak horrible to me until someone came in the room. Then started shoving and hitting. I had to leave abruptly as he attacked me with his cane, so as I am leaving. he jumps up and has the other people in his home (who do or pay anything) to call police. I grabbed my things and left. I finally realized he will never a father to me, and I have my life to live and enjoy and to feel good about myself. No guilt. Not my monkey anymore, not my circus. Thanks again to all of you this has given me relief, and strength.

I am going out of my mind being my mean abusive mothers caregiver. She has abused me my entire life. I am working 24 7 living with her and waiting on her hand and foot, while step sister does nothing. Step sister is coercing her against me to make things really impossible. I was doing everything for her until I heard her on the phone saying horrid things about me. After the phone call she yelled at me and banged on the door of the bathroom, while I was in the bathroom saying that she is calling police, because I have her mailbox key and she wants me out of her house now. She cannot take care if herself and now I may be homeless. I called her dr and he prescribed psych meds to calm the nasty woman down. I have not picked them up yet. I am staying away from her. I do not have any support whatsoever. Is anyone else going through this? I am beyond depressed.

My ex-husband is 77, his mother turned 100 last May. There is no one else but a brother who lives on the opposite coast (intentionally so). He (my x) is a narcissist himself and was one of the biggest problems in our marriage. We still do keep in touch (I still care about him) and he calls often. Now that he is taking care of his mother, who is just like him he sees how hard it is. It is made worse by the fact that she also has dementia. He tells me all the horrid stories, I listen and sympathize but mentally say thank goodness it's not me. She is having a serious effect on his health and one time he was trying to get her to cooperate and she spit out "Wait til you get to be my age-you'll see!" What is funny (to me) about that is she has been saying that ever since I have known her. He said "Mom I won't live that long!" That side of the family is all long lived but I'm afraid he is right because they never did what he does. I read somewhere that people don't change as they age they just become more of whatever they were before. Certainly true in my ex MIL's case.

I have said it over and over and simply do NOT understand why anyone, for whatever reason, would allow this and put up with this behavior from anyone - no matter who they are. It is NOT acceptable and anyone who allows this is the biggest stupid fool on earth. No human has the right to be like this and destroy other people. I don't care if it is age, sickness, mental problems, whatever, it cannot be tolerated and if it cannot be stopped, the person behaving so badly must be immediately removed and placed somewhere. Never, ever allow someone like this to destroy, your family, and all that goes with it. Protect yourself and do the right thing - get them away from you permanently.

Mom diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer’s dementia in May 2018. She’s been self absorbed for sometime now but she is now completely narcissistic. There is no room for anything not centered on her. It’s painful and frustrating to deal with. I keep needing to remind myself that the behavior results from the disease and to not take it so personally. It’s hard to do but it helps me get through.

Dementia can be challenging at times. You can add ten times the stress when someone is a narcissist. They are always right and you are wrong. My mother had dementia and was a narcissist as well. The easiest way to take care of them and lower your stress level is to do what you know needs to be done. If she starts to fuss at you, respond with a hug and tell her that you love her. If she refuses to take her medication, you can mix it with pudding or ice cream. You would need to purchase a pill crusher. When you give her the cup of pudding or ice cream, be sure and eat one for yourself. It will distract her while she is taking her meds!

Yes, the best thing is make rules and keep them. Boundries are the answer. She will have to see you as in charge for it to get better. So stand your ground and don't engage in the arguments or allow the mean comments. Say no. Explain it and end it. That's it. Leave it. Next time walk away, hang up, leave. Eventually she will see she has no standing ground but it will get worse beforehand and most likely much worse before it gets better. I know how hard it is. I've lived it, in it. Fell for it. Bless you for undertaking this. I'm proud of you for doing the right thing. But don't lose yourself. You will need more you time so if an aid or friend can sorta sit in for you at least a couple hours a day, utilize any extra you time you can! Good luck and much love. Jo

YES!

donna, the good news is that she's in AL now, and you can visit her when and IF you like.... or not. If she's nasty, leave that moment; same for phone calls - she'll get the idea.

this is exactly what mine is doing as well she is now being put in assisted living in one of their largest apartments and we’ve furnished it very nicely and she sneers “oh what more could anyone ask?” .... well not to be your whipping post and constant adoring companions for 24 hours a day. mine knows what she’s doing. when my sibling told her that my daughter lived near me, she said “ oh ... close enough she can hear me yell at your sister?” yes that happened, so not all dementia , some continuation of manipulation and narcissistic behavior that she’s always had only much more overt about it now

Thanks for all your kind words and support. The good news on telling my story (in the hope of helping someone else avoid such a tragedy) is that I now have a professional journalist who is writing it up as a full story and once it is published, I will put the link to the article here and on all social media. This writer has published in The Atlantic and The NY Times and other well known papers and magazines. Maybe some other family will be spared this from happening to them and it will go viral. Will keep you all posted. Trish