My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Wow, old age, dementia and being narccistic.....what on earth are you doing taking care of someone like this? Forget what it was like in the past. This is now. When someone acts badly and it starts to wear on you and is destroying your life and who you are, well - then get smart. Do NOT allow them to live with you or around you any longer. Find some way, like Medicaid if there is little money, to get them into a facility BEFORE you are destroyed. No one is worth having this done to them - no matter how much you love them. You do NOT deserve this from anyone - ever!

I am going through the same thing. The difference now is that when she would lie to me about things, she could maintain the lie, but now that she cannot remember what she has already said...well, it makes me understand why I'm so screwed up. She will say absolutely anything to make a point or win an argument. It is amazingly horrible. And as a result, I am horribly honest, to the point of it being a hardship, so her lies just confuse and astound me...good luck, it isn't easy...

Since my enlightenment, I began to remember that I grew up with a narcissist who could never be pleased neither from husband (my father) nor children. Mom's friends were used until she became bored with them.

Now at 86 everyone has died on her, and I am the only one left and not too delighted with that reality. I have done all the legwork to find appropriate facilities and move her there again and again. She hates every place and everyone there.

I now care that she is safe, clean, and fed. Entertaining her and making her happy is no longer my priority.  I will do what seems unstressful and appropriate -- for me.   Maybe I'm a chip off the old block.

I thank God for Aging care website! you guys help so much!, when you think you are alone, and you are not, and no one understands but another caregiver!

My father is a compulsive narcissist. His dementia is to the point that he has no short term memory. He has no concept of time and demands that everything be done right now. I have found that just saying I will get it done "soon" alleviated the pressure. Many times he forgets what he asked for. My mother, on the other hand, stresses herself out to make sure she takes care of the perceived need immediately and then resents his demands. He has no regards for anyones needs and wants other than his own. The word demented means crazy. He is mentally ill and has no grasp of reality. Soon and later are words that have helped me. The other one is " I don't know". Even if I know the answer, it is likely that it won't be understood so, "I don't know" is my greatest tool.

It's your house and your rules, and if she doesn't like it then she could be moved elsewhere. It sounds to me like you're just going to have to stop catering to her. I haven't dealt with both traits in one single person, but I have dealt with a person who developed dementia and someone else who was narcissistic. Both of them need a structure that won't cater to their demands, especially the narcissist who thinks of no one but themselves and doesn't care about the needs of others.

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to not give in no matter how hard they push, left (just push back much harder). at some point they'll start realizing you're not giving in and they'll start to be more cooperative and considerate. As for the dementia part though, I'm not sure there's going to be much you can do about that except to keep reinforcing your house rules and just not giving in for the narcissistic part of that person

Another ACON (Adult Child of a Narcissist) made worse by dementia. It took a 12 Step Program and group therapy to get a handle on this combination.

Sadly, kids of N's have usually been so well programmed by adulthood that we don't know how to set boundaries and if not being made to feel guilty by our N parent, we do quite a good job of feeling guilty ourselves... and resentful of the caregiving... and care TAKING to try to gain control.

It is a vicious cycle, but there IS hope. The support here is INVALUABLE, and gradually taking little areas of control and rewarding self for the small victories becomes crucial.

Remember to "Give yourself grace" . Caregiving ain't easy in general but add Narcissism and it's a whole new ball game.

Are you still dealing with this? I have the exact situation. "Challenging" doesn't even identify the problem. The disease exacerbates the narcissism. I will wait to hear back to post more.

Has anyone dealt with elderly parent with LBD who goes into these "manic" modes where they will not sleep (not even a cat nap) for 3 days and talk the entire time as if they are having a conversation with someone? Non-stop talking and awake. Then the "crash" period hits and could last for 2-3 days but during that time they appear to have passed or slipped and it constantly has us on edge. We do go in throughout the day and check vitals and be sure they are thriving. Any info is most helpful, please!

Yes, there are others dealing with this. My mom is 92 and recently placed in assisted living. She likes it, and wanted it. But, everything to her these days is about her. No matter what the topic, she will turn things around to her. It's like she has a one-track mind. It makes it really hard to have a conversation with her, but we four siblings just try to keep the focus where she places it. Worse than that, is the manipulation. She will try arguing (and she never was argumentative before), pouting, crying, and even begging to get her way about anything. Oh, I forgot to mention guilt. She makes it harder and harder to just want to go see her. We realize she is not herself these days, but it is still hard.

Yes. I have been dealing with a Narcissist for years and when the Dementia set in it made it 100 times worse. And she is mean on top of it. I cannot give you any advice as I am going through it as we speak as well. But I can let you know that you are definitely not alone! Good luck.

Yes, my mother and I have never been close and she is definitely narcissistic and dementia is making it worst. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom I just posted a question for the community because I'm about to pull my hair out. My mother curses me, gossips about me, lies a lot, is a hoarder, is worrisome-calls me all day and night asking me the same questions over and over, I have no privacy. I came to stay with her because she fell a couple times, my sister who has medical power of attorney is doing nothing, so my mother doesn't think she needs medication and my sister won't insist she go. . it's a nightmare. However a friend told me don't disagree with them, as hard as that might be it tends to make it worst.

I'm in this same situation with my mom. It has helped to read these stories. Could have written alot of them they are so alike. I honestly feel like I'm the crazy one alot of the time. My house is next door to my mom and I get to visit my husband for 2 hours a night while she watches a movie. Thank God for hallmark. I have to stay at night because she acts out her dreams. And thinks she sees all kind of stuff. Daytime she is ok after about 2 hours of getting up. Everyone that visits doesn't see anything off which drives me insane. When I get my grandchildren she gets jealous because the attention is not all about her. Ugh I'm getting tired just writing this.  Thanks and good luck to all. Caretaking is not easy. 

Lots here with this type of problem. I have refused to do hands on care giving. In any case mother is now 104 and I am 79 so it is out of the question. I detached from the emotional games as much as I could, and now she is beyond them. Counseling helped me. I do have POA financial and medical and a sister who has similar problems to my mother's so it has been a 5 ring circus at times. Please look after yourselves. Care-giving a mentally ill parent is very stressful. Believe me, you are not the crazy one and you do need to put your family and yourself first. Don't let the mentally ill person run the show. Narcissists want to be the center of your existence, That is not healthy for anyone. Even if they are your parent, you deserve a life for yourself.

As the daughter of a 'narc' I have potty for you. It will be necessary to ignore her, to tell her 'that's not acceptable', tell go off by yourself thanks I am not listening to such narcissism. Be aware she will try & control the family. You will need to tell her; we have the way we do things in my house & that won't be changing. With kindness I say that I think she may not be with you for long 'narcs' are just to much at best of times.

Thank you all for sharing just onboarded to site. I thought I was the only one dealing with this issue. But reading all your stories I see I'm not alone. Ty

Since I found this site I find comforting solidarity in the huge number of people whoalso are dealing with narcissistic parents in their 80's. Is it a post war or depression era thing

Linda, I was wondering the same thing. My mom is German and was in Berlin during the war. Maybe it is a matter of survival to just think of themselves.

No, it is not a post war thing. Narcissism has been around for a long time. From the Mayo clinic:

Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:

Mismatches in parent-child relationships with either excessive pampering or excessive criticism
Genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking

It is a personality disorder and is a mental illness. It is characterized by disturbed interpersonal relationships -don't we know it!

I believe that narcissistic traits can accompany other personality disorders. I think we have a disproportionate number of people on this site with narcissistic parents as they are the ones who cause their care givers the most distress so they come here for support. Combined with dementia it is very hard to deal with.

It helps to learn about narcissism and how to manage it. You have to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Blessings

It has been a long while since I posted...but I just wanted to chime in here after a long haul.

A bit of background:

After the h*ll of a year and a half with mom in mid stage Alzheimer's, sociopath on steroids, her Neurologist insisted that I get her into a home because it had become a danger to myself, herself and my kids.

So it took about three months, but I finally found the right place for her and that was a little over two years ago.

She has since passed into a more advanced state and is no longer aggressive, and in fact is not speaking hardly at all.

Taking her to the home was the best thing I could have done for her and for the family...she is in an amazing place where the staff is consistent and they love her very much.

To be honest I have been mourning the person she had become prier to the disease ever since and today I can say that I think I've finally come to the end of all of it.

She no longer is the sociopath, narcissistic I grew up with, but she is also not the more stable person I enjoyed the last 10 years before she had the disease.

I honestly look back and in some very real ways wished I had not had her move in with us...but I didn't know then what would happen...I was still expecting her to rise to the occasion at the time and it took a few months before I realized it would not ever happen.

My mom for many years told my brother and I she never wanted us to take care of her and would rather we lived our lives if anything happened...so on that level I have no guild at all for placing her in the Home...although I to have some pangs of guilt for not seeing her for months at a time.

We actually moved about an hour further away from her...it's an 1 1/2 hour drive to see her, but life is what it is.

The truth is that the anger and hurt are gone now...healed so now I miss my mom...the women she had become...I really miss that person.

But I feel good that she is safe, well cared for and loved where she is and have no regrets for putting the effort in to find a place that lent to our personal beliefs.

The reason I'm writing this is because I know how hard it is and want you all to know that there is relief in the end, and that it's OK to let go of the reins and it's OK.

Talking to a number of professionals in the field it seems our situation with an abusive parent is not abnormal...and when the time comes that they forget enough and change and are no longer the abuser, it is not abnormal to not know how to deal with it emotionally.

In my case I was able to get a set of eyes at the home, an additional PA that goes in and checks on her monthly, but is there and keeping an eye out for her patients 2 to 3 times a week...and it's covered by medicare to boot!

I hope this might help some of you trying to figure out what to do.

Also, in retrospect...if I and my Husband had been able to wrap our minds around what was happening to my mom sooner, I think it would have been better. Reach out to the Alzheimer's Association Hotline if you need to vent or to get information and strategies...they are there for you and a God send some days.

Wow, that's exactly my mom. Her narcissism is sociopathic at times. Last night she launched into ,saying I'm trying to steal her house, because we got a lawyer to do a trust. I have a half brother who does nothing, offers nothing to help, yet she will tell me how no good I am. I can anticipate when she needs me to unload on. So I head for the door, to get away from the abuse . she then slams me for running away. Does your mom scapegoat you, for all her frustrations?

Hatemooch007,

Basically my understanding is that the restraints we put on ourselves to not speak our mind all the time...like when someone offends you but the situation lends to you letting it pass and smiling instead...well with dementia, that goes away and there are no barriers that way. Also, because the brain is deteriorating, your mom will lose say a small piece of information, like the house is not up for sale, and the brain compensates and creates a story that might fit in, so now she might think that it is up for sale...and can even tell you she was there when the Real Estate agent came by. It usually gets worse before it gets better I'm afraid. My mom became physically violent and was so nasty...I was the worst person in the world...LOL...but really she couldn't help it...she had no restraint and things were partially fictional in her mind.

Thanks for your insight. I'm the one helping her yet she will say something cutting and then if I show any anger or frustration, she immediately claims I'm in need of counseling, and that her other son never argues with her. He is never around and avoids her and me. Its like I get baited . so now I put my shoes on and walk around the block, and she Is still berating me as I walk out the door.

HateMooch007, hang in there. I share your pain. My father is same way. He loves to say very negative things and make people cry and angry. He deliberately does it to get a reaction. When I told him that my ex husband had died, my father clapped his hands and laughed, so I cried, that's when he really let into me, telling me how stupid I was and that I deserved every bit of the misery and he kept laughing at my pain.
Now I give zero reaction and don't bother to share anything of my life with him. I just look at him and show nothing. It takes a lot of work to not react but eventually I could see the look of disappointment on his face when I do not react. He stops the baloney after he realizes he is not going to upset me. And good for you for walking out the door. I know it's tough, don't get angry or frustrated. It just fuels them even more.

I'm surprised there aren't more recent replies to this thread but, for what it's worth, the following words written by momsadvocate ring very true for me and are important for us all to take to heart:

"There are others that can take care of mom and not have to be abused by her. My mother is as sweet as honey in the facility, calls all the staff sweetie and honey and actually says 'THANK YOU' to them. Two little words that we NEVER heard one time come out of her mouth at home or to us.

Don't feel guilty that you don't rush to her side to care of her, she really would prefer someone else anyway. Stay strong, assertive, healthy and know when to walk out of the room."

Thank you for posting, momsadvocate. I'm caretaking my 81-year-old mother who has a severe disorder believed to be NPD. It's been a long road that hasn't ended yet but the legacy of pain, trauma and broken relationships has been living on for decades already. It's truly disgusting to see what can pass down generationally because we have too much yet to learn about this stuff. I can't predict what will happen to/for anyone else in my family but I visualize a positive outcome for me because I have taken some bold unique steps to heal. The buck does indeed stop here! If anyone is interested in hearing about what has helped me save my own life, please just ask.

All the best to everyone here, caregiving is an amazing and difficult journey. ~KCR

KCR - there is lots written about narcissistic parents on this site. You can do a search by clicking on the upper left 3 bars. I believe there is a genetic component, at least in some cases. Children may learn from narcissists. Caregivers of narcissistic parents tend to be on the receiving end of the most abusive behaviours, unfortunately.

Abusive behaviors, if not from parent then from other narc, twisted family members.

sorry you are going through this,,,you can only do so much, doesn't matter if you have other sibling..some help some don't, she probably would treat them all the same.. mine does, and she tries to pit us against one another,i don't play her games. so she doesn't talk with me, Her loss, prayers for all ..

wow, its like I am seeing my life in each and everyone of these postings. My relationship with my mother was never a great one since I can remember and I am currently 55. I have resentments towards her from past history pre-dementia and I sit and think to myself how in the heck can I make these resentments right or fix these feelings or come to terms with these feelings of low self worth before she leaves this earth? I don't want to be left behind with having to grieve her and resenting her at the same time. and that sounds like a mentally chaotic mess . I don't want to find myself there. I guess I have to come to accept who she is ...who she has always been and try and convince myself that I am not who she says I am. thanks for letting me share and vent a little.

My mother has always been selfish codependent and narcissistic. She twisted me up so badly as a child that emotional abuse looked like love. She also insisted on a strict code of silence and denial. 
In these last six years of her highly dramatic decline she has made life h*ll for my brother and I from across the country. 
I have been wishing she would just die already but there is a blessing in the dimentia. She cannot create the illusion of normal anymore. After 60 years I can SEE the disease and insanity and what it has cost me my entire life. My mother is a hard miserable human being who has never willingly given anybody anything. It is not my fault for trying to get away from her. I am not bad for not liking her. There is no resolution or talking it out. She still admits nothing even when I gave her the chance to absolve herself before she dies. 
I will do my duty but I will not lie and drip honey at her funeral. I will be glad and I am at last ok with that.