My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Of course you are all right. I will actually get a true day off this week because she is going to a party. Also I will start spending Friday nights camping, which is my pattern in the summer. That gives me a true break. I cant see getting out of Sundays yet but will work on spending less time there during the week. Thank you all so much for your encouragement. Hugs to all

My father has NPD and Alzheimer's. He's lived with my family for over 5 years. It has been a long road. It has required many conversations with my young children, explaining that Grandpa cannot control his assertions and behaviors. It was difficult dealing with him before the Alzheimer's. It now requires an even thicker skin, liberal doses of humor, patience, and prayer. It can be done though. So helpful to see others in the same predicament. Thank you everyone for sharing.

I have been reading these posts and find them helpful. Putting words to my feelings can be comforting. My mom is 81, Narcissistic and Dementia has been apparent. I am 62 and spend the weekends with her. Sister lives 4 hours away and has a telephone relationship with her, will visit once a year, other sister lives 10 minutes away from mom, I live an hour away. Mom has care givers who come 5 days a week, in the morning and afternoon for an hour. She is an invalid, and they do pretty well everything for her. She sits in her chair, reads the paper and watches t.v., talks to the odd person on the phone... hygience is ok, but recently questionable. Mom has always been a "one up" person, if you can do something, she can do it better... well it is more "did" it better now, because she can not do anything today. Just this fact has really been a toll on her, everyone is doing things for her and there is little left to do. So, she hides her bills, medical papers, appmt details in her purse. Numerous times we have been told the wrong hospital or clinic by her... and she doesnt have the decency to apologize or just say heh I screwed up. Her favorite expression is "I deserve it"... to justify anything she wants. Her world is getting smaller, and her anger and secretive ways are her primary emotions of late. It was a strange relationship with my parents, dad needed a mother; and my mom needed a daddy... so neither of my parents had their emotional needs met. They had us 3 girls, and were very ill equipped to "nurture" us. I dont know where I am going with this... I guess trying to keep my boundaries and not feel the pain of her sharpness. I am the POA at her bank, thank goodness; and my sisters are hoping to receive the proceeds from the sale of her house, for after she is gone. Mom refuses to leave the house at this point, she can not part with her possessions, because they are all very valuable in her eyes - very materialistic.
There is a part of me that hopes that her dementia gets worse, so she does not know where she is taken, after she leaves the house involuntarily. Ok, so I said it... which will go first, her mind... or body? Sounds cruel, I know.

Hello Adult Child, My heart goes out to you today, realizing what a difficult situation you are in. The words from our parents still hurt, even when we are almost senior citizens ourselves. From your moniker, sounds like you have done some work around having a narcissistic parent. Please do keep those boundaries up as much as you can and find some activities that save your sanity. Maybe a walk outside, a lunch with friends, meditation. It seems the mind goes first. Maybe that is a blessing. Thinking of you. Hugs!

Adultchild, our experiences are so similar. Believe me, I feel the same way. Hugs to you.

I have noticed that mom's dementia is worsening, we havent had her tested as yet. From Monday to Saturday and large decline, I am wondering if it is the Nitro patch and Percocet. Two heavy drugs, but seems to help with her pain. We are going away for 10 days, and I am afraid something will happen. Thank goodness my other sister is near by. Thank you for your hugs and comments, mom was usually able to hide this with some measure of cheerfulness and lightheartedness. These last couple of days... not so much :/

The combination of mental illness and dementia is particularly difficult to deal with. Usually there is a family history of the narcissism or other mental condition - in my mother's case Borderline Personality Disorder finally diagnosed when she was in her 90s - and now she has vascular dementia. You definitely have to develop a thicker skin, and the hurts of the past never totally heal. I find, as well, that many of the medical people I deal with, even the geriatric psychiatrists, do not really "get it" so you have to do some educating along the way. It can get very frustrating. (((((hugs)))) to all of us dealing with these difficulties.

No crises or any interaction with my mother, but the latest challenge is a mixed blessing. My mother's neighbor. I've mentioned her before. She's very concerned and intent on helping, and she has in many ways, and believe me, I am very grateful, and I hope I show it. The "mixed" part of the blessing -- she's very highstrung, and dealing with her requires a lot patience. Still, it's better than dealing with my mother. She also seems to want a relationship with me that just feels like too much too soon. "I love yous" have to be said, which is something I reserve for VERY close relationships (of which I have very few), so I say it. She wanted my email, and I delayed a bit, but then gave in. Now I get phone calls, voice mails, and emails too. I wish that I could just be contacted if it's an absolute emergency, and/or if she has important information for me, or needs info from me. But no. I've been stressing since last night, after she left 2 messages to tell me nothing particularly urgent (yet it was helpful, so I feel guilty for feeling imposed upon), followed by some back and forth emailing today.
Also, certain things are important to her, but they're simply NOT to me, and I feel pressure to ease her anxiety too. So I tell her I'll handle certain things, and I've been explaining my actions to her when truthfully, I do not need to explain myself to ANYone, about ANYthing. But I've been caving to the pressure :(
The good thing is it seems that since she's become so much more involved (I never even asked--she just kept expanding her role), I can probably reduce most contact w/my mother, at least for the time being. The not so good thing is navigating my way with this person. I've been checking my phone all day with dread in the pit of my stomach.
One thing I will do, probably starting in a few weeks, is I will tell her that my husband and I are going to "unplug" for several days. No phone, no email. That way, she'll know that I won't be jumping every time she decides to tell me something or ask me something.

loo - sometimes it is not worth the hassle. Only you know what is worth it and what is not, or if it is worth it up to a certain point and not beyond that. Unfortunately unhealthy people tend to attract unhealthy people. Someone from mother's church took her on as a "project" -a ministry. Well it slowly fell apart in a couple of ways. Mother turned out not to be the sweet little old lady that she first presented herself to be, and things got more and more difficult for the "minister", I made contact with this lady which was nice to begin with and I was very grateful for her help and then things between us started to change. First she got critical towards me, believing things mother had told her about the way I was handing stuff - which actually was none of her business and was also untrue. I did not need her on my back as well as mother. Then she broke down telling me that her mother was just like my mother and I ended up supporting her. Thankfully, shortly thereafter, she found another ministry and ceased contact with mother. She is on my face book but I have virtually no contact with her any more - TG. And from what I can tell, her mother does look like a case.
Sounds like you are getting way to involved with this lady and need to set some boundaries. ((((hugs))))

Emjo, yes, sometimes it isn't worth it. Several months ago I got a window into this neighbor's personality, and her personal reasons for taking on my mother as a 'project' like you said about the woman from your mother's church. It did convince me to step back a bit. But since my mother's driver's license drama, she's been both helpful and yet, too involved at the same time. Sigh. I'll need to figure out the boundaries again and be strong about this.

My mother is a narsisistic and is starting to show signs of dementia. I live abroad but visit her twice a year in 2 month increments. I do everything for her while I am there and try to smooth her relationship with my sister and her kids. She resents this and tells me I only bring trouble to the family. She says I am controlling and always think I am perfect. She went on to say I have always been a problem child. I almost think she still sees me as a 12 year old. She adores my son but is jealous of my relationship with him and has said bad things about me to him. I have decided I will limit contact with her and will probably have to stay somewhere else when I visit. She told me that while I am in her house I will behave and do as she says. I somehow don't think she realizes that I'm 55 years old.

Limiting contact is your best answer. She does see you as 12. It is very hurtful and controlling for her to treat you this way. Your only out is to create boundaries and do things that make you happy. Advocating for your sister is also a losing proposition. Hugs to you.

Reading your comments made me think of so many aspects of my family. You should read an old book called "Codependent No More". It is very hard ti realize that your dysfunctional really IS and that so are YOU. I have to think - based on your 'name' that you moved to Dubai, which is pretty far in order to get away and there was a reason that you did it. Quit trying to fix things for your sister, quit trying to make your mother realize anything or even hope that she will. This isn't your fault. It takes a LONG time to finally get it so don't feel bad that you are 55 and still don't. I know what I'm speaking of because I come from a family like yours. Particulars are not important. What is important for you is that you get it and work on that. Take care.

Thank you Liz 123 and Frustrated2 for your support. It is hard to face the reality that my mother is "sick" and that there is nothing I can do to help her without bringing me down which she seems to derive much satisfaction from doing. My mother can still take care of herself but sooner or later we will have to find a solution. My mother doesn't want to talk about it and my sister is in denial. I am now an empty nester and want to enjoy quality time with my husband. But my mother thinks that now that I don't have any kids at home,I can take care of her.

Frustrated's suggestion to read Codependent No More is excellent . I have read it also and have similar family dynamics. It is tough to accept that we can not fix it, but it is true. When we get sucked into the vortex, there is no way out. Maybe try some small boundaries like leaving when she starts into you. You can do it in a respectful, non emotional way. Something like, "Mom, I am going to the store now" or whatever. "I can see this is not a good time." Or something different, but just leave when the poor treatment starts.

This has helped me so much - I have been looking after my elderly relative with vascular Dementia/narcissistic and varied personality problems - her demanding and sometimes aggressive attitude has caused incredible stress culminating in my arthritis flaring up to such a rate a couldn't get out of bed when she called through the night - her mental illness worsened into hallucinations nightly and shouting through the night so we were unable to sleep. Her delusions of grandeur and unreasonable requests for daily dietary changes was impossible. But I do know now after talking to medical staff that no one can deal on a daily 24 hrs basis with a dementia sufferer - you just cannot do it with all the will in the world and in the end it's the professional medical staff that are the best to help.

My partner and I are dealing with this with her 94 yr old mother. She insists on staying in her home...so my partner is constantly involved in her care. Mom does nothing but complain. She says she is lonely, but when people visit she is generally not interested in visiting. She gets care every day, includes hygiene, clothing , food, medications, etc. Frequently she is rude even violent towards care givers. It is a nightmare. We are reluctantly moving toward having her move in with us. God help us.

Hi Ms. Maggie, my mother moved in with us for a year, it was a very though year. She was formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's and frontal lobe dementia while living with us. Although we knew for a few years she had dementia. Her narsistic personality just made this so much worse. We did it on our own for way too long. When we finally received home care it got a little bit easier for some tasks, but in the end her disease made keeping her at home too much. We put her in a care facility and it's so much easier as we can leave when she gets mean. We didn't regret taking her in our home, we just should have received the home care so much sooner. Get respite care or hire someone to visit with her so that you can have a break or to do the basic things for you and your spouse. If you do it on your own with no help or home care, you will feel trapped. The alzheimers and dementia never really bothered us, it the narsistic personality disorder that's the worst to deal with. Your 94 year old mother sounds just like my mom. Do some reading on narsistic personality disorders before you make the decision. Now that my mom is in a care facility, it is definitely the best for everyone.

Oh yes...I can certainly relate. Aunt accuses me of trying to poison her, tells her children I don't give her & uncle their meds, I don't do anything, and on and on...the other night she told her daughter she was hungry, that I had not fed them supper & she didn't know where I was. All a pack of lies. The daughter believed her. She was narcissistic before the disease and is now impossible to deal with. Children will not put her in a facility because it will "eat into their inheritance." They sit back & criticize me, etc. but want to keep me on because it is much cheaper. They don't pay my salary...aunt & uncle do. But they complain because they say they need to give more money to their church but can't because of what I get paid.

I think each of you have written my life story. I started a forum myself on here "is it normal she is so negative"... My mom too has been narcissistic all her life ( I learned about 15 years ago that is what her hatefulness was called) About 5 years ago she started becoming more hateful, cursing me, telling me I didn't care about her, etc. Three years ago she moved three times and started acting so NOT like herself. It took over a year to finally get a diagnosis. Dementia. My mom is only 68 soon to be 69. She went through hospice--we thought she was dying and they brought her back to good health and her dementia is much better. After a long story, she finally agreed to go to AL--which now she says that I took her there and dropped her off and she never sees me.--I call her two to three times a week and go EVERY single Sunday and do her hair and spend anywhere from 2-5 hours with her. This is not because she doesn't remember, it is because it is NOT enough for her. She is becoming so mean and hateful I am ready to walk away. This past Sunday she told me she didn't know why I come anyway because I don't want to and I don't care about her. She told me to go home and stay there. She is disgusted that I put my husband and my two children (that are 23 and 16) before her. She even said, "I can't believe you put your family before your mother!" Who says that? A narcissistic, self centered, all about me kind of person, that's who. I left on Sunday with plans not to return but my guilt is eating at me and making me think that I am doing something wrong. I am an only child and the only one to look after her other than the AL staff. She will not answer the phone when her sister calls--her choice, but we did that to her, then how horrible we would be that we were making that choice against her. Double standard--though which is one sided. I could go on and on about how I am feeling just like each of you. This site has been very helpful for me, now it is just up to me to make some tough choices and stick to them. Good luck

Anyone notice that 'victim' and 'narcissist' go hand in hand, not to mention 'drama' and 'abusive'? Those four words encapsulate my mother. I am the only person in my family who has ever had any emotional or mental health counseling and the only one who seems to understand what is going on, not just with my mother but with the entire family, who seems to be the spokes revolving around her/the hub. It has always been this way. I don't live near them which was a conscious choice, so it is especially striking when I have been forced to be around all of my family. My dad, who turned 83 last month, has been married to 'the monster' for 63 years, since she was 17. All her life he's made excuses for her very bad behavior and they have morphed as she has gotten older, now blaming any bad behavior on 'I think she has Alzheimers'. But he just bought her a new car, even though he remarks how aggressive, or lost, or forgetful, on and on she is increasingly. Personally, I think of her as 'just more of who she is'. It has always seemed clear that she has a mental illness problem but I am not a shrink and what's the point of trying to put a label on it anyway? When I have replied to any of my siblings (two are nurses, one with a Masters) that if she has dementia she needs to be evaluated and perhaps put on meds, what I get back is 'when she gets worse maybe we will do that…. Rather than really wanting to change anything or help her it seems more important to try to explain it. I have always been her whipping post, having been blessed (ha!) with the insight to see things for what they are, and I remember being that way from a very early age and hoping one day when I grew up I would 'get it'. How could I be the one who was 'right' when the rest of them all seem to support what I thought was nuts? I am at this point grateful, even though I now have almost no contact with my family, that there are others more tolerant of her to directly care for her. I probably would do more what was actually best for her, including having her evaluated and probably not letting her drive and risk the lives of innocent people on the road who might encounter her. But with two 'healthcare professionals' in the family telling my dad what he wants to hear (change IS hard) I have given up. I like though that people here are able to see that NPD can coexist with dementia. It almost seems as if most of my family is happy they can now use her age as a 'reason' she's the way she is even though they won't do a thing about it. Can't fight City Hall. My parents also have $$$ which is an incentive to play nicely (not for me). An NPD mother is like a little drop of poison that ruins a whole barrel of water.

We too, including my dad, my aunt and all my mom's family have enabled her all these years. My parents divorced about 26 years ago because she was so demanding and controlling my dad just couldn't take it anymore. I am an only child so I feel bad for wanting to walk away. I wish so many times my mom didn't live close to me. I thought moving her to AL closer to me would make it easier on me not traveling so much. Wrong decision. I could have stopped traveling so much and let the staff take care of her. Hopefully one day I will learn to stay away from her abuse, her guilt ridden questions and comments. I hope to get away from her poison that stays in my head. I love how you wrote about the four words going hand in hand. It is sooo true!!

Way to go... you got the old cow out of your house.
Trouble is, if folk are narcissistic to begin with, they don't improve with age.

this was to thunder... got her out..

If you get away from a narc, if you can possibly avoid it, never allow the narc back in your life, especially in a physical way. That is one of the beauties of telephones: you can hang up on a b***trd or let an answering machine handle it.

frustrated2, those 4 words describe the woman who gave birth to me to a T. The whole family is nuts. I feel like I am the only one who sees it for what it is. They regard me as if I am the one that something is wrong with because I am so different than all of them. Glad I took after my dad's side of the family. After my time is up caretaking aunt & uncle I will be long gone, never to return!

OMG I just googled narcissism and dementia and found this page....I so wish I'd found it before... I just lived through nearly 5 years of hell and stress.. Mum is in care now finally but it's still really difficult, I'm the only one she wants around and of course I'm neatly programmed to know exactly what she wants/needs. I must add that in the last year or so she came through a lot of the bad stuff( narcissism does after all often spring from early emotional trauma), she became a lot sweeter as she watched her frailty increase, she has done a lot of introspection and I feel like she settled stuff in herself.. I think there is a 'nasty' phase in every person's dementia, this is obviously greatly exacerbated in people with NPD. What a trip!!!!
Mum had Lewy Bodies Dementia and I found a lot to help on the LBDA.org page and their 2 facebook pages...just wish I'd found it all sooner!

Every one of the posts that I have read here is what I have lived for 60 years. My mother is the same as all of yours. I had a great life that I created for myself but nothing was ever noteworthy to my mother. She has never ever celebrated any of my wonderful achievements in life which has been very hurtful. No matter how much I do for her she claims I am never there for her. She passed away on January 27th of this year with lung and bone cancer. I was surprised that in the end I was able to care for her with compassion, gentleness and forgiveness. Three days prior to her death she was still hurling insults at me like "I will never ask you to do another thing for me for the rest of my life" as I was delivering her lunch, medication and anything else she desired to her in bed. For a short while I felt that some of the old wounds were healing yet a month later I am severely depressed that our relationship was never fulfilling. As I sorted through all of her belongings I realized that there was not ONE photo of me growing up. No birthdays, Christmases, first day of school, graduation or wedding photos (I got married in her living room). I will never ever understand this. There were many photos of my older sister which I do not understand because they have not spoken to each other in 20 years. So I managed to survive 60 years of abuse but I am now dealing with my partner of 9 years abuse. He had a traumatic brain injury 38 years ago which left him physically disabled, 8 years ago he had a massive stroke and last year he was diagnosed with the beginning stages of dementia. I have become his whipping post and I am enduring daily with verbal, emotional and mental abuse and some instances of physical abuse. He is only 57 and I hate to put him in a nursing home at that age. Nothing I do is good enough for him. I managed three lives for awhile and now I am down to managing two adult lives. I am surprised I have not completely lost it. I am bipolar and sometimes the anxiety and depression are all consuming. I want my life back but if I send him away I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. If he wasn't disabled I would have thrown him out long ago but he uses his disability to make me feel guilty. I thought when we entered into this relationship he would be so grateful for all I have done for him and love me unconditionally but as you can see my happy ending will not be my reality. All my life I have just wanted someone, ANYONE to love me and appreciate me. I do not need a man in my life as I am very happy with being alone. I just can't seem to get from point A to point B. I am free of the abuse from my mother but am being tormented by another narcissistic person. Will these emotional scars ever heal? I have a great psychiatrist but I feel I could use a few encouraging words from anyone out there.

Hello

I just found this on the webpage by doing a search for dementia and nasty.
I give up my home overseas and returned to my birth country to keep an eye on my 85 yr mother who has always been nasty to me - she even stayed with a man who sexually abused me and she found out when I was just 14. I felt like taking my own live a few weeks ago as the last four months living with her has been hell on earth. No I see that it is an illness and I am not alone - thank you people for your blogs - I pray that I can leave this house in the next few weeks and rebuild my life.

I read an article that said something like "elderly parents can become narcissistic in their demands and you have to set limits otherwise you end up feeling like an indentured servant". Yeah that's my life with my mother alright. I just never do enough for her. (she doesn't have dementia) I feel like she could suck the life out of me, and I've been getting anxiety attacks and hyperventilating over this.