My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

I want to 'hug' all of you! Thanks for the words of support and for sharing stories here. It is all too common that those of us who see things for what they are end up being 'shrunk' (ie, seeing someone professional!) because we are not in denial and know this stuff is not right. I did look up 'dysfunctional family' and on Wikipedia there is an excellent article about it. There, it absolutely likens them to cults, which helped me put things in perspective. I am not a 'victim' (maybe by definition but I so hate that word. I do have a problem showing any weakness because I grew up having that exploited by my mother so often. Never let me see me sweat, that's they way I liked it!). Ha! So scratch that 'not a victim' above, but add 'previous victim-in-recovery'. Because this never stops rearing it's ugly head all of our lives. That's why it helps so much to read the rest of the stories. I agree that this is better than therapy. That DID help - coming from a family like these you have skewed views till you get it worked out. But rather than paying someone money to help me get back to the place where I would say 'I already knew that', this is so helpful. I began on this site in helping to care for my MIL, who has passed away but was so wonderful. The day she died, I received flowers from her that she had insisted three days before be sent to me because I'd had surgery. I guess from what I was told, wanting to do that for me was her last cognizant request. My husband is the most loving man I could ever have married and the example of being a son to a sweet 'motherly' mom was very heartening. There are good people in the world and the healthier we are and the more we resolve these gaps in our lives the more likely we will move on and find normalcy and happiness. Not to say my MIL was a perfect person. Her issues were in the realm of normal, though. She tried at times to control things she couldn't, wouldn't take her meds as directed, over stepped when it came to some boundaries. In cases like hers, it is possible to put practical advice to work. But as things progressed and I began to read more and more of this kind of stuff, I realized I had more help here than I expected. I try every day to find gratitude in things. I guess I am grateful that I am not an only child or I would be stuck with this woman. Anyway, thank you all.

Ive ready all of the comments and realize what an amazing group we/you all are.They say that parenthood is the hardest job,but Im betting that caring for aging parents is a very close second.You guys,take a deep breath and do something nice for yourself.Ive had to stop caring so much about my mothers words and not take is so personal as much.It is hard,but think that getting old must suck even more than we can imagine.Im not at all looking forward to it.I have no kids or blood family other my mum.I now know what it must feel like to have a spoiled rotten 8 year old.

dear frustrated2, the word victim is harsh but necessary as it shows that one was used by another, manipulated and taken advantage of for their loving kindness. I just re read "A Brave New World" and in it there was a hidden description that the author Aldous Huxley wanted us to understand. It was about the man Bernard befriending the 'savage' and he saw him as a victim-friend. Actively chose him, targeted him as someone he would be friends with in order to victimize him. I come from a family of 11 children, my parents were irresponsible in their conception of children and I being the second oldest felt the brunt of my parents pathology. They allowed a man who was 19 years old to date me when I had just turned 14....mother never teaching me about sex and my period, etc. let this man take me....snag me...at the tender age of 14. He raped me and got me pregnant. My parents sent me away to a home for unwed mothers for 5 months and did nothing to arrest this man. When I gave birth they said I had two choice, give the baby up for adoption or marry the man. It was horrible, I didn't want to give my baby away so I married the man (pedophile). My mother had another child of her own after I gave birth. She was so narcissistically sick that she couldn't allow her daughter to steal her thunder....so I was betrayed by my parents, had a marginal relationship with them ever since and was bride-knapped for over a decade in an isolated existence out in the backwoods of VT. The an ultimately began watching porn and cheating on me with teenage girls so I had to hurry and go to school to get job skills before I left him. My mother never called or came to see me during that decade. She only marginally helped me during the horrific divorce. I lost my children as I never had learned to survive on my own. My dad died soon thereafter and my mother did try to help but she is so ignorant and selfish that it wasn't really from her heart (which I doubt she has anyways). I married again and tried to backstroke the rest of my life to help my children grow up. The damage had already been done. My children don't understand how neglectful my mother was and that she let their father steal me away...that it was a crime that he got away with raping me...now recently she and some of my other siblings have turned my children against me. I have no one other than my new husband who is not as empathetic as he could be. I feel like my mother at 78 has ripped my heart out again. I haven't seen a new baby grandchild that my daughter just gave birth to 4 months ago as she sides with her grandma all the way and has shunned me. My sisters and brothers think I've "lost it" but I haven't, I've just stopped letting them make me their "victim" any longer. I miss them terribly but I will never go back to letting my aging mother with dementia put me down or treat me like crap ever again...even if it means not seeing any of them! Thank you all for your support on this forum. Life gets hard sometimes and I feel a comraderie with all of you that I can never feel with just a therapist. Please keep up the loving sharing stories. I feel such love from all of you. Thank you.

Holey Moley Meck....what a story of a truly horrific upbringing. We each have our stories to tell, painful in one way or another, leading often times to great dysfunction in our own lives. It only stops when someone says they don't want this anymore and will live a new life and give a different legacy. You can't change it, but you can refuse to be victimized by it and consequently turn and victimize another. I think one must have a willingness to inside themselves and take a spiritual journey of sorts. At 78, you can still make a life for yourself and be happy.

Thank you Madeaa for your understanding...the spiritual journey is constant and will never end until we too pass from this earth, a true testing ground (especially with a narcissistic aging parent with dementia).

It is posts like these, on this site, that makes me realize my elderly mother will NEVER come live with me. She is a very needy, codependent narcisstic person and extremely negative. My home is my sanctuary of happiness. I have built my life into the way I can now enjoy my pending retiring years. I do not have room in my life for any toxicity. My mother will have to surffice with other options that do not include living under my roof.

Thundergirl thank you for sharing it gave me strength to know I'm not alone, you can only take so much abuse!

How am I doing? Saw an attorney yesterday to sign paperwork to protect my folks assess. I put up 1000.00 of my money used the money my folks gave me selling my fathers guns to pay for this. Granted I have no income at this time or insurance I need money for my medicine. Trying to explain what I'm doing to help them is futile my father is so suspicious of everyone, now I'm the target once again by him to verbally abuse. Called my folks to check on them yesterday they told me that my mothers wallet is missing and they suspect Linda the care nurse. No matter how I phrase a question no matter what my tone my father and mother will fire back hateful assault, blaming accusing me now. My father now says he never told me to take those guns, he's angry I sold them he wants the money for them to pay for some doctors bills of which I have no idea what doctors bills they are referring to. Unless the bills are for calling the ambulances to get my mother off the floor. My heart is broken my own father accusing me of taking what he agreed I should sell those guns to pay for my trip back home. Everyone including his doctor knew I was leaving with them with my fathers approval. Dementia or not he has always been this way his sisters tell me the same thing about him. I will finish getting all of their legal work done hopefully it will be enough money to get them in a place till they die, after that I want nothing further to do with them. I've had so many doctors tell me to let them go they are so toxic. After the treatment I received last night I am done. Crying I got off the phone telling him to stop it this is too painful for me to listen to, he called me back later to insult me even further. I left them in better shape than I found them, my father has done nothing but complain as well as try to undo everything I set up to help them. I'm in worse shape than when I left to help them. As far a I'm concerned the state can have them. My health is in jeopardy if something serious happens to me it could take my life's savings.

Zoolife YOU are the most important thing in your life right now...its not selfish in the bad sense of the word but protection. I learned that the hard way of getting hurt so many times after doing good things for everyone and only getting bad back. God love you dear...don't let them hurt you emotionally any more!

Thank you MECK1234 for understanding! My life growing up was horrible enough this is just more of the same thing. My fathers sister now says for me to stay away from them their mentally ill, they've been that way for as long as I can remember. The only way to keep my health and sanity is to leave them to themselves let others that care of them, they are so hateful to me. I will have not inheritance now no job. This is where total trust, faith in my spiritual life will see me through this. Thanks again!

Well my God I have to say so sorry to everyone here, but I've lived this too! The feelings of isolation from the shame of being treated in such a manner from your own family good grief! I lost my job going back to home to care for my folks. I set everything in place when I left they were in much better shape than I found them. My father is the narcissist no wonder I married a narcissist I was so use to the abuse it was familiar. In dealing with those two for the past month and they live 1260 miles from me I lost 20 pounds in one month it was that stressful. I had to double the anxiety meds it was a nightmare. Everything all of you have described I've seen, and experienced sadly so.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Yes is also goes not to say do not make your children bitter towards life!
We don't hear this verse very much, yet the guilt I feel hearing all the time to honor my parents who act dishonorably to be is shaming.
There is nothing I can say or do that my narcissist father doesn't find fault with. My fathers doctor ask me to please get his guns from him. So I spoke to my father on several occasions all letting it be his idea. The morning I drove back 1260 miles to Texas he gave the guns he wanted me to have. He kept checking rechecking not sure what he gave me. So over 5 times while I was trying to pack the car I showed him over and over again these are what you gave me to sell, I said do you want the money he said no just let me know what you sell them for. Within 24hrs they were sold for 1800.00 he's pissed at me now and wants the money saying he never told me I could take them and doesn't even know what I took. He told me to sell them because I lost my job and it would help to pay for my trip up and back. Just hearing his voice makes my heart raise I have anxiety start. Anything I say he try's to make it fight. He won't take my mother to the her doctor. He won't see his doctor any longer because he says I made begged his doctor to but things into a letter for the attorney that made him look crazy! He is CRAZY AND IT'S NOT JUST THE DEMENTIA! After the verbal assassination I received last night from him I broke into tears. I had just sent the morning with yet another attorney trying to get his veterans pension. He was livid when I told him want it cost. I put up 1000.00 and gave the attorney the money for the guns 1800.00 plus 2000.00 guilt money the parents gave me when I lost my job. I'm trying to protect their assesses there will be no inheritance and now I have no job or insurance with medical issue of my own. I told him I couldn't listen to him any longer it was hurting me to much to here him talk to me this way. I hung up called my aunt she said get your money back like the attorney said repay yourself then leave them alone for a while their mentally ill and this is killing you THANK YOU VALIDATION!!!!!! Then in the middle of the phone call my father calls again sound really sweet than starts to tell my off in a monotone voice with at stiletto tongue of his, I've apologized for my behavior losing my temper when I was there 2 months ago over and over. I've forgiven you please stop beating my up shaming me. Jesus said if you can't forgive how can you expect the Lord to forgive you! Then my dad said he wasn't going to call me anymore, that I didn't have to even come to there funerals. I'm not available for his abuse any longer I reimburse myself, if he finds out I will tell yep I sure did!!!!!!!!!

I am amazed by how many people are going through the same thing: a narcissistic, hateful parent, now approaching dementia. Wow! I wonder if any Psychiatrists/Psychologists have done studies linking these two things together, because a Narcissistic, even Psychotic personality seems to go together in later years with Alzheimer's/Dementia. Perhaps there is a relationship? I would like to ask one further question: Does anyone else have aging, narcissistic, demented parents with a past that involves smoking marijuana? With all the hubbub lately over this plants healing properties (which I don't doubt), I wonder if anyone has studied the LONG-TERM effects of smoking this plant, and what it does to the brain? Perhaps this is the culprit. Not that I'm saying anyone else's parent but MINE engaged in this activity! But MINE certainly did, and she is certainly a demented blue-meanie now. I am sorry for you all, but if anyone can shed some light on this, I'd be forever grateful.

dear zoolife, you should stop seeing and talking to them...its their choice to treat you badly and its your choice to stop relating to them because of that....be brave and let them go or they will surely destroy your heart and soul...no one deserves that. Christ wanted us to forgive people but he did not say to stay connected to them! Like the prostitute that was going to be stoned and Christ told everyone that wanted to stone her to cast the first stone the one that has not sinned...we all have sinned but then he told her to go, GO and sin no more...he did not hang out with her, he let her choose how to go and live, free will. They have a choice and they are choosing to hurt you...you should tell them to GO and sin no more, whether they will or not is up to them.

Thank you MECK1234 for your support! The relationship between my father and mother both has been volatile through the years which has always made these times their end times difficult to maneuver through. My father called me actually he had my mother call, they could figure out what mail to through out and what was a bill. Another key bit of information that concerns me deeply since my mothers wallet has been missing since the last day the nurses aid was there, another story. Anyway my father got on the phone said how sorry he was for talking to me the way he did. It seems his frustrations build how much is the disease how much is just his personality disorder hard to say. I forgave him he's broken my heart some many times. But it's true I can't continue to live this way. I called the agency director ask if they'd spoke to my father Debra said know but Linda the nurses aid had observed mothers not eating and it's a fight to get her to bath. I ask if Linda had mentioned that my father ask her if she had seen mothers wallet that it's been missing for a week, Linda said no but didn't ask him she could help them look for it. So that's how I let the director know. If I were caring for the elderly and they mentioned that to me I would immediately want my supervisors to know this was brought up but Linda didn't.

I'm going to be setting boundaries with them that they are not going to like but that's to bad, it's for their own financial good and my mental health. The director is going to my folks house she says to explain that they need to comply with letting people help if not the judge will place them in a nursing home. Will just see how that goes, but no it's not ok for them to treat me the way they have, I've lost my patience with them as well so we are in a cool down period. Unfortunately the agency told me my father took a bad fall cut himself. When my father called to apologize for his behavior he didn't tell me this it's his pride. They are getting worse this is obvious I'm at a true cross roads and am seeking guidance from spiritual realm to light my path as to which way will best work for us all. Thank you for commenting. I truly feel this is a hideous disease stealing the dignity and self identity of those suffering. Destroying relationships job lost and compromises the care givers health as well. Best wish to you all caring for you loved one God Bless!

Just to add a bit of physical relationship to dementia, I and most likely all my 10 siblings and mother (father's dead) have a genetic propensity to a gene called APOE 4 and APOE 5 which are the genetic structures that help humans to shed heavy metals from their bodies. Because I am of northern European decent we are of the nationalities that have this gene. In other words, as our world is so toxic with lead, mercury, arsenic, etc. then I and my relatives are toxic and can only rid ourselves of these toxins with assistance from eating foods and supplements that "chelate". If we don't the heavy metals will destroy our brains and organs, our body and soul! I have had all my dental amalgams removed, gone through an extensive chelation detox protocol and have come out on the other side...my relatives, even though I have tried to talk to them extensively about this, refuse to acknowledge the reality of this. My mother (with dementia, narcissism, meanness, etc.) has a black line above her teeth which is caused my heavy metals. She also has cysts on her kidney and liver....signs of parasitic overload...In any case, I suggest all of you to speak with doctors (some don't understand the correlation) and get help with chelating. It may be too late for our parents generation but our generation needs to address the toxicity in our world or face the same issues as we age...PLEASE WAKE UP EVERYONE!!!! Research this online yourselves. God bless....

this is very difficult to manage, but not totally impossible. Number one, care for yourself, number two, set limits. I find it helps to set boundaries and limits while keeping a schedule that works for you and your loved one. You have to keep in mind no matter what she says or does it's related to the dementia. Dementia changes the impulse control one has and this leads to words and actions that would have not occurred prior to the dementia. Lastly you must make time for yourself and the things you enjoy for if you don't you won't be the best caregiver you can be. It can be difficult to find that balance and it may take trial and error but don't get discouraged. When the time comes and your loved one passes, you will have the knowledge that you did the best you could. Seek out a support group, call your local Area Agency on Aging or Senior Center, they will be able to point you in the right direction.

My heart goes out to everyone who posted on this thread. I honor and applaud every one of you for all that you have done -- including the self-care steps that you've taken and the things you've had to do to put distance. It would be so much easier if our demented parent said, "Do come in, dear, but shhhh, be careful not to wake the green Martians in the attic!" because then we'd KNOW they're completely crazy.

I really feel for you. My mother is 87, and can get quite confused now, but I realised about 15 years ago that she had a narcissistic personality. Her behaviour to me has been mean, sadistic and spiteful in the past, and unfortunately my father always backed her up when he was alive! I have wanted to walk away many times, but decided to stay together so that my children would know their grandparents. I do visit (she lives over 200 miles away) but never says thank you for the presents and groceries I take. Although she can do little in the house and garden it is incredibly difficult for her to accept offers of help, and has the attitude that she can get on fine in her isolated word. She is very deaf. I feel absolutely drained after a weekend visit. She finds it difficult to communicate (always has) and refuses to sit near me, so she can hear a bit and listen to anything I say. All I seem to listen to are brief stories of her childhood, which I have heard over and over again. She is much better with male relatives, including my brother and her grown up grandchildren, and seems to find women very threatening. My brother has just retired from work and is now able to do more to help fortunately, as he lives nearby. He thinks she is wonderful! But he has always been the favoured child. I get on well with my brother now, so I don't let this bother me, and hope that he is able to help more as well as understand.

My MIL when alive also liked men better than women? Do you think this is common with narcissistic women?

My mother has been in a NH for over a year. Purely out of duty, I quit my job, sold my home and moved to look after her 24/7 for 4 years before that. She's a text book narcissist, only realized it when I discovered the website Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, and made my life hell - I still have a scar where she knocked me about and put me in hospital when I was about 6 - and I spent a lifetime trying to avoid her. The narcissism continued after she went into the NH (Parkinsons & dementia), all of which escalated (screaming at me down the phone almost daily) until she had a stroke a couple of months ago, which seems to have knocked the stuffing out of her. Now in a wheelchair or mostly in bed asleep, she barely eats, just nibbling on cookies and chocolate, and only weighs 80lb.

After she went into the NH I bought a wee run down cottage on 2 acres in the country for me and my pets. I've lived here for almost a year now and still feel like I'm "in recovery" but I'm getting better. I plunged into renovating and gardening, cried a lot, sometimes drank too much and basically stayed away from the outside world. If it wasn't for my beloved dogs I'd probably have had a breakdown. Come spring, along with trying a little homesteading, I plan to look into volunteer work, get back into the world and rebuild my life. It's a long hard road but I'm getting there.

God Bless you all

And yes, my mother always preferred men. With women it was almost like she had to constantly compete - clothes, new cars, bigger house, looks and possessions. Even now nearing the end of her life she's all sweet and giggly with a male nurse but often hostile with the female nurses and bad mouth them.

Within the last few weeks, my mother was diagnosed with "mild" cognitive impairment (still lives in her home, refuses to leave). It doesn't seem mild to me, when a person repeats every statement and question over and over and OVER all day long, can't seem to remember much of anything that occurred less than 50 years ago, is looking straight at a Christmas tree and doesn't realize it's December, and seemingly has no idea I've been paying her bills and managing her finances for her for the past several months (if she knew, she'd accuse me of prying, invading her privacy, trying to ruin her life and make her look incompetent). ANYhooo....
Figuring out strategies and finding peace has been extremely challenging. One positive thing about this is that all of the soul searching--and it's truly grueling work!--has ultimately been an enormously awakening, liberating thing. I recognized her as a narcissist (and just plain b----) only within the last few months. I asked myself out loud one day not long ago, after wrestling with anxiety, loss of sleep, anger, bad memories that I thought I had reconciled, tremendous sadness, confusion, etc. -- if I'd ever actually 'turn the corner' and arrive at a calm, peaceful state. Where I felt that I had an accurate grasp on things, where I could finally, stop being angry/hurt/resentful/fearful/brokenhearted.

Guess what? This morning was the first morning in maybe 6+ months where I woke up, and didn't immediately think about HER with that awful feeling of dread and panic. Maybe 3 or 4 mundane thoughts into my waking up, she came to mind, and my body, heart, and mind stayed calm. Here's hoping this attitude is my new permanent habit!

I am fairly certain that, as soon as I can manage it, I will eventually stop visiting altogether. I'll probably wait until her memory is at the point where she doesn't notice, but will adjust my plans as necessary in order to avoid the insults and other b.s.. In the past 6 months, although my visits have increased for medical reasons, I've stopped the overnight visits and only go on brief day trips (she lives a 3 hour drive away). I made excuses for not visiting on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it was such relief. My phone calls to her are now less than 5 minutes in length, and I only call once every 7-10 days or so. She's never called me, so thank goodness, I don't have to worry about that.

Hi there, I'm back. I just re-read my post of a few months ago (above). Things haven't changed much, except I'm more eager than ever to bring contact to the absolute bare minimum. This past weekend, I drove down for a brief visit (just lunch). Her mood and attitude were lousier than ever, if that's possible. She pities herself for her lack of social life, although she never reaches out to anyone. When she actually gets visitors (old family friends had dropped by the previous week to take her to dinner), she acts completely uninterested, disdainful, and contemptful of their lives -- at least this is how she reports on the visit to me. If she truly did treat these decent, caring people so badly, then I'll completely understand if they want to sever contact with her permanently.
She was irritated that I would not be staying for more than a few hours (instead of happy that, after a 50 hour work week, I had driven 3 hours to see her, and would drive 3 hours back home), and said "I can see how this is cutting into your leisure time." She then actually did me a favor by suggesting that I not come down if I could only do so for such a short time.
This all occurred this past Saturday, and it's now Wednesday, so even though I've made tremendous progress dealing with her (especially in the moment, I handle things very well now), it still takes me several days to get her b.s. out of my system. I've decided to accept her offer, and will no longer angst over trying to make more time for longer visits. And I have no plans for our regular phone call for at least another week (even 5 minutes on the phone is something I dread).
I'm actively NOT referring to her as 'mom', 'my mother' anymore--I suggest this, I think it helps somehow. Dementia aside, she is a sick, unloving person, and always has been. Her dislike of me is obvious, and my increased presence is not something the enjoys (makes 2 of us!). She likes attention and an audience, and I have been very good about providing that to her over my life, but she has no respect or graciousness towards me (or everyone else too pretty much), that it makes continuing a relationship just... so pathetic and soul-killing.

Having just read many of the comments on this thread, I once again realize that my mother is narcissistic. I also realize that each of these stories are very similar and each mom/dad has the same behaviors. All resulting in unhappy children and unhappy legacies.

I couldn't have found this at a more appropriate time. I have once again "heard" from my brother stories of mom throwing me under the bus. I just shake my head and think, "this is her mental illness, not mine". Sad

With my narcissistic dad, I've learned to establish boundaries that I didn't know I had. When he gets nasty, I ignore him or make a joke, or call him on it or walk away. In the same way, when he thanks me or praises me, I take it like a grain of salt. I'm doing what I can. I've become so much stronger, and I'm proud of that. I was afraid to put him in his place, not anymore.

Since folks are following up on earlier posts, I'll do the same. First, please let me thank the many members of this site who have expressed understanding and support. My mother too is still living, and still her narcisstic self, but I am learning how to manage my contact with her and more important, my reaction to her. No more nightmare holidays -- I spend them with friends instead of her, and what times I do spend with her are short & sweet & usually with other nonfamily people along. (It's truly amazing how much better she behaves when there's someone else there.) 1 phone call every day to check on her; if she's there, I limit the conversation to the weather, her health, and maybe a current event (Olympic skater, Senate filibuster, the latest great thing about Pope Francis, etc.); if she's not there, I leave a message. Of course, she almost never calls me, and when she does, never asks anything about my life, a self-absorption which I have come to see as a blessing in disguise.
It truly is empowering to manage rather than to be managed.
I am grateful for the folks on this site who continue to offer support, and I am grateful for the folks on this site who reach out for help. It feels good to turn this lifetime experience around in such a way that helps others -- that is, non-narcisstic people -- too!

First off I want to say that you all are amazing individuals and I'm sure just by the fact that you recognize narcissism that you are humble intelligent human beings that try every day of your lives to not be "narcissistic" as you know how hurtful that can be....all that aside....I have not spoken with my mother (going on 79), my son (40), my daughter (36), my sisters or brothers, 10 of them! coming up on a year now. The root cause was my narcissistic mother who, after it took me till I was 53 years old to realize, has been this way all her life. She had 11 children and has neglected or abused us mentally, emotionally, psychologically or physically all in one form or another. She had 11 children to fulfill her evil quest in life which is to get "high" off the attention she got when she was pregnant. It was pathological and aberrant in the 1970's to be having such a large family. She hurt my older sister and I the most as we had to be a slave to her sickness and care for her progeny. She let a man a few streets over take me away from the family unit, raping me and impregnating me at 14 years old as she knew I onto her regarding her addiction. She also needed the room for my younger siblings. She has turned on me and turned my children from me. I will never speak with her again as long as she is alive. Her dementia and narcissism has become "out of control" and I refuse to let her destroy my hard earned road back to emotional health ever again. I encourage all of you, if you are being mentally and emotionally or psychologically abused by a parent in any way to cut them off. It is their choice as a human being to take the path they are on, dementia or not...God bless all of you!

My 81-year-old MIL has mild to moderate dementia. She lives alone, about five hours away, with her 90-year-old boyfriend, who seems to have a pretty severe alcohol problem. It's a mess. This is the second year in a row that she's been late in filing her income taxes, and when I reminded her that she'd better do it right away, or else she'll get another threatening letter from the IRS, she told my husband that I'd threatened to have her arrested!
The scary thing is, I think she really believes it. She's gotten very paranoid and her listening skills were never very good. If she's not the one doing the talking, she just tunes out.
She used to preen herself and boast that she was "an academic and an intellectual," I guess because she was a college professor, and brag about how attractive she was, compared to her sister. Classic narcissist, IMO. Dementia must be terrifying to someone who prided themselves on their intellect. I feel sorry for her in that respect. I'd feel sorrier if she hadn't been horrible to me for the past three decades.
She's a classic narcissist, to the point that she wore a white, lacey dress to my wedding, and later boasted to me that people told her that she looked like she was the bride!
Anyway, what I've learned is that it's a losing battle to try and explain anything to her, because she always has to be right, and she often doesn't listen to what other people are saying. When my husband tried to tell her that he wanted her to keep her independence as long as possible because he knew she didn't want to go into a nursing home, all she heard was "nursing home," and she went off on him. She's also starting to drop the F-bomb a lot, something she rarely did before. She bad-mouths my husband's late father and one of her former boyfriends, both of whom she says had dozens of affairs, which I doubt. She claims my late FIL was secretly gay, and says many hurtful things about him to my husband that are complete fabrications, as far as I can tell.
In short, my MIL is a nightmare, and I have no intention of offering to help her any more unless she asks for my help. We've put her on a waiting list for a nursing home, and I'm looking forward to the day when she's installed there. She totally burned her bridges with me. I frankly wouldn't care if she were shot out of a cannon at this point.

Collector - When we saw mom's neurologist last week he said that people with these types of personality disorders, my mom is a sociopath, do tend to show more of that base personality when they get dementia.

They can't hide it anymore and it is such a strong personality type that it just seems to get worse instead of changing.

It also makes it very difficult to see that the dementia is happening because you are used to the trait vrs people that do not have the disorder and start to show signs of anger or paranoia or lack of emotional caring which for them is unusual.

My brother and I clued in that something was wrong earlier on because she was forgetting how to do things that she has done for 30 or 40 years, and while we noticed the changes in her behavior it was more like she reverted back into the mom we grew up with, while she had managed over the years to cover it up well we had not seen it to the degree it was manifesting for 20 years or so prier, but we didn't attribute that to memory issues at the time, but looking back on it...it makes sense.

The Dr suggested that it was very likely our mom is not ever going to come out of the behavior set completely, so we have had to resort to medications which are actually helping to some degree. She is taking Citalorpram and Donepezil .

I actually had hoped not to use medication, but it got to much to handle, so here we are...and I'm glad for it to be honest, and while it has not stopped her from being her it at least has toned it down a bit.

Sorry have not have time to read other replies so I hope I have not answered as someone else has.

Thank you Shannon. Your answer was very helpful in looking at my mother's return to the narcisstic behavior of our youth. It is disheartening to know that this may not change the further she goes in dementia. It could be a bumpy ride. She has been on lexipro for awhile but not sure if she is taking responsibly. Also seems to like the pain pills for her hip that isnt really bothering her, a little too much. Peace to you on this mother's day.

Liz, I think it has to do with how strong the personality is...how deeply rooted it is...but that is just speculation from me. Every situation while similar is different from one another...we never know what will really happen. :). Happy Mothers day...I hope you've had a great day.