I dread this question every day. The truth upsets her and she grieves all over again, deflecting usually makes her mad at me, although it is less painful for both of us.
If you have a choice only between "mad" or "crying" I will go with the latter as it is the appropriate response to her situation. Does Polar Bear great approach of cheerful funny deflection work? Such as "Oh, you know him; he's off puttering again". or "Down in the workshop I think" or "Saw him in the yard" or does she really kind of KNOW he isn't coming back? In that latter you are stuck with the gentle truth of "Mom, Dad isn't with us anymore; he died last month, so he is an angel on your shoulder now." Let her mourn. Is mourning not what we do? All our lives? In response to awful loss. And to be certain this is an awful loss. Not everything can be fixed. Allow her the dignity of grief if nothing else works.
No Alvadeer, not when the news is taken like it is the 1st time that she heard that her dear husband died. That is cruel beyond measure and no it is not a normal or proper emotional reaction.
Would you want to grieve for your loved one every single day of your life as though it was still the raw new pain of loss?
Annie - from your reply, I'd say you're very good at redirecting. And you do know that telling her the truth upsets her, so you don't go there.
You said you dread this question every day. So, it seems to me hearing the question upsets you too, not just having to answer it. Is that correct?
Do you like humor? Maybe you can have some fun coming up with weird answers instead of the tried-and-true 'he's not here right now.' Answers that you think are funny, and make you laugh. They are for YOU, so you don't dread hearing and having to answer the question. Something like: he's gone to join to the circus, or he went skinny dipping in the pool, or he left to buy an ice cream truck and will bring you some ice cream later, etc.
Your mom may or may not understand the answers and may feel bewildered, hopefully not upset, but as I said, these answers are for you, not her, so that you don't dread the question. After answering, you can then employ your redirecting technique.
At some point later in your mom's dementia progress, she probably will not ask about her husband anymore because she will forget him by then.
My chiropractor told me to use humor as well. He said they don't remember and it can be made into a game of sorts. He said that you can be everything you ever wanted to be dealing with an alzheimer patient.
I love the idea. Finding something that makes mom go, what? Instead of anger or grief will be beneficial for all.
Dealing with this has become a whole skill set on its own. If you watch videos of the best, most experienced dementia care specialists handling the situation, it involves (this is a very rough description) using questions to figure out where in time the person is right now, go there with them, and then gradually, as far as possible, guide them from there towards wherever they need to be now.
Just as a parallel example: it might be fine for the person to believe she's supposed to be going out to the movies with her husband tonight; but meanwhile you have to persuade her to eat her dinner without him and she's resisting because she's waiting for him to collect her. So you might explain that he must have been held up in traffic but he'll be sure to call, why not have dinner now so that she won't be in a rush later?
I feel for you, because this is both time-consuming and a minefield, and then no matter how good you get at the techniques the best outcome you can hope for is that your mother doesn't get upset today. Which is not nothing, of course, but it isn't exactly rewarding either.
Have a look online at https://www.open.edu/openlearn/whats-on/tv/dementiaville, which has links to programmes and articles; then once you see what kind of thing you're looking for I'm sure you'll be able to find equally good US-based material which might be more relatable for you.
What were her hobbies when she was younger? Discuss that. How was her childhood? Was she one of the rare ones who had to walk 2 miles to school in the snow, and walk back for lunch, and then back for the rest of the day at school? What was her favorite book she read as a child? Go to library and find it. And read to each other. Take her to library with you. Put her in adult day care.
Or step in with music and a milkshake. PUt a straw in her mouth with some nice ice cream milkshake or smoothie and divert the issue with a question about gardening, or mountian climbing. What could be more confusing than mountain climbing and gardening in one sentence?
Hi Polarbear, usually I say, he's not here right now, then start talking about something pleasant like a phone call from one of her grandchildren or a fun time we had recently or other good things. It usually helps to try to engage her in happy conversation.
I'd probably just say that "He's not here right now. You'll see him later." It's a fib but doesn't avoid the issue like redirecting. I'd go with whatever is easiest on the both of you. The truth serves no purpose if it is upsetting her.
Does Polar Bear great approach of cheerful funny deflection work? Such as "Oh, you know him; he's off puttering again". or "Down in the workshop I think" or "Saw him in the yard" or does she really kind of KNOW he isn't coming back? In that latter you are stuck with the gentle truth of "Mom, Dad isn't with us anymore; he died last month, so he is an angel on your shoulder now." Let her mourn. Is mourning not what we do? All our lives? In response to awful loss. And to be certain this is an awful loss. Not everything can be fixed. Allow her the dignity of grief if nothing else works.
Would you want to grieve for your loved one every single day of your life as though it was still the raw new pain of loss?
You said you dread this question every day. So, it seems to me hearing the question upsets you too, not just having to answer it. Is that correct?
Do you like humor? Maybe you can have some fun coming up with weird answers instead of the tried-and-true 'he's not here right now.' Answers that you think are funny, and make you laugh. They are for YOU, so you don't dread hearing and having to answer the question. Something like: he's gone to join to the circus, or he went skinny dipping in the pool, or he left to buy an ice cream truck and will bring you some ice cream later, etc.
Your mom may or may not understand the answers and may feel bewildered, hopefully not upset, but as I said, these answers are for you, not her, so that you don't dread the question. After answering, you can then employ your redirecting technique.
At some point later in your mom's dementia progress, she probably will not ask about her husband anymore because she will forget him by then.
I love the idea. Finding something that makes mom go, what? Instead of anger or grief will be beneficial for all.
Just as a parallel example: it might be fine for the person to believe she's supposed to be going out to the movies with her husband tonight; but meanwhile you have to persuade her to eat her dinner without him and she's resisting because she's waiting for him to collect her. So you might explain that he must have been held up in traffic but he'll be sure to call, why not have dinner now so that she won't be in a rush later?
I feel for you, because this is both time-consuming and a minefield, and then no matter how good you get at the techniques the best outcome you can hope for is that your mother doesn't get upset today. Which is not nothing, of course, but it isn't exactly rewarding either.
Have a look online at https://www.open.edu/openlearn/whats-on/tv/dementiaville, which has links to programmes and articles; then once you see what kind of thing you're looking for I'm sure you'll be able to find equally good US-based material which might be more relatable for you.
Put her in adult day care.
Or step in with music and a milkshake. PUt a straw in her mouth with some nice ice cream milkshake or smoothie and divert the issue with a question about gardening, or mountian climbing. What could be more confusing than mountain climbing and gardening in one sentence?