She has a caregiver in the morning to give her her meds and make sure she is okay. My husband and I both work but see to all of her other needs in regard to shopping, etc. She calls me about 30 times a day on a bad day, and doesnt remember what I last did for her or when I last saw her. She often thinks my husband (who she used to adore) is stealing from her. She is getting worse, even though she just started on Arecept. I am so depressed thinking about our limited options, for this independant, vibrant women who raised me. It seems that no matter what she is miserable. If she lives with us it is likely to tear my family apart. If she goes into assisted living she is likely to be ugly and combative as well as a flight risk. I dont know how much longer she can live alone. How do others make these impossible decisions?

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I agree with ChristinaW., as always. If you take her into your home, she may live another 10 to 20 years. You both need to work to provide for your own later years. Spend down what she has on home care, because as long as possible, she will be happier there. When she doesn't realize that she IS home, going into a NH is obviously necessary.
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From your description, I would never bring her into your home. Maintain the separate households. If finances are available, get her the most compatible caregiver you can find. A caregiver who understands and is not easily flustered.
Keep that scenario until it's really time to get her into a care home. It could be awhile.
No Way should you take 30 calls a day from her. Every time you answer the stupid phone, you give her the message it's ok to keep calling. It's not.
You are not a Pavlovian dog. Turn off the ringer. Have the caregiver distract her, take her for a walk, do a crossword puzzle. Caregiver needs to be a companion.
You need to reestablish the terms. You can do it, Dear One:) xo
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