Mom with dementia cancels her health care aid and then blames me when she doesn't come. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

Mom with dementia cancels her health care aid and then blames me when she doesn't come. What can I do?

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Does anyone have any ideas of how to get my mom who is dementia with mobility issues to stop cancelling her aide that come in once a week then she calls me and asks why didn't my aide come today, GRRRrrrrrrr so darn frustrating I explain it goes in one ear and out into empty air. I do have Health and Financial power.

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I agree with all the posts. My mom did/does the same thing by canceling appts, canceling CNA or turning them away. I told them they cannot leave without calling me. I had to call mom while aide was waiting out the door and convince her to let them in. It was a daily battle, finally told her if she didn't comply I would notify her dr and she would have to be moved to a care facility if she wouldn't accept help. She got more cooperative temporarily under this threat.

Mt situ was different as I didn't have POA (long story) so didn't have power to make her keep the care. She is functioning independently for now but knows when she needs care in the future she is going to care facility because she can't be trusted to comply with in home assistance. She blew her chance.

It's frustrating and annoying to have to play the game and repeat same scenario over and over. Threaten her with a move if she doesn't let aid as scheduled and see if that helps. Hard when they have dementia and don't remember. Hopefully same aide comes so they can build trusting relationship over time.
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Agree with many of the strategies here. Just wanted to send you support and do know that you're not alone. While my dad was recovering from a fall and cracked ribs, he was sundowning and the painkillers had made him loopy. The OT/PT folks were doing their best, but Dad wasn't quite all there. I called them directly, we strategized and it made scheduling a lot easier.
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Some people are so desperate for even a semblance of control in a life that is rapidly spiraling out of control that they try anything!
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Been there, done that. Mom would fire the caregiver or yell at them, or hit them. Then they would quit. Then sister would have to find another one, then same thing would happen. Finally she had to go to the NH.
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My Mother did the same thing. The company was informed that whenever my Mother called she needed to speak with me. Most of the time, my Mother was ok with this answer and then forgot to mention it to me. It solves the part about the aid being cancelled but I do not have any advice on what to do to make your Mother stop calling.
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My Mother tried to cancel the window washers today. She is not even paying for it! I think she feels that I should get on the ladder and spend 2 days washing windows-I walk with a cane- not gonna happen. I just get on the phone, tell them not to listen to her (in a nice way) and to come and do the work. Works everytime - she just pouts a little but who cares.
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Can the caregiver be given a key? Would that solve the "won't let them in" problem?
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Then exercise those powers of legal authority and tell the healthcare agency no one is to fire anyone unless you give the order and keep a standing order an aide is to be present once a week (or whatever schedule you want). Be on good terms with whomever is taking care of your mom, and just let them know she doesn't have all her faculties.
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I have had to take everyone - doctors, housekeeper, neighbors, ect and tell them that decisions need to be run by me. I try to be respectful of my Mothers wishes but she will cancel everything and then complain. A lot of it is centered around money issues. She gets delusional about how much things cost - she thought the daily paper was $90 a month - so she cancels things. So frustrating because I am the one who has to straighten out the messes. Now I pull people aside and tell them my Mother has memory issues so as the primary caregiver I need to be informed of money issues. She has turned into Howard Hughes - saving tissues and paper plates. She will also tell people that she is "broke." She has more money than she will ever be able to spend. Makes me mad and embarrassed at the same time.
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It is frightening, I agree. But at least this forum, and our friends' and families' experiences, all put together give us a map of the minefield. A partial map, anyway. Helps us expect the unexpected, if not actually be prepared. Better than nothing..???!!!! xxx
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