Follow
Share

Does anyone have any ideas of how to get my mom who is dementia with mobility issues to stop cancelling her aide that come in once a week then she calls me and asks why didn't my aide come today, GRRRrrrrrrr so darn frustrating I explain it goes in one ear and out into empty air. I do have Health and Financial power.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I agree with all the posts. My mom did/does the same thing by canceling appts, canceling CNA or turning them away. I told them they cannot leave without calling me. I had to call mom while aide was waiting out the door and convince her to let them in. It was a daily battle, finally told her if she didn't comply I would notify her dr and she would have to be moved to a care facility if she wouldn't accept help. She got more cooperative temporarily under this threat.

Mt situ was different as I didn't have POA (long story) so didn't have power to make her keep the care. She is functioning independently for now but knows when she needs care in the future she is going to care facility because she can't be trusted to comply with in home assistance. She blew her chance.

It's frustrating and annoying to have to play the game and repeat same scenario over and over. Threaten her with a move if she doesn't let aid as scheduled and see if that helps. Hard when they have dementia and don't remember. Hopefully same aide comes so they can build trusting relationship over time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Agree with many of the strategies here. Just wanted to send you support and do know that you're not alone. While my dad was recovering from a fall and cracked ribs, he was sundowning and the painkillers had made him loopy. The OT/PT folks were doing their best, but Dad wasn't quite all there. I called them directly, we strategized and it made scheduling a lot easier.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Some people are so desperate for even a semblance of control in a life that is rapidly spiraling out of control that they try anything!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Been there, done that. Mom would fire the caregiver or yell at them, or hit them. Then they would quit. Then sister would have to find another one, then same thing would happen. Finally she had to go to the NH.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My Mother did the same thing. The company was informed that whenever my Mother called she needed to speak with me. Most of the time, my Mother was ok with this answer and then forgot to mention it to me. It solves the part about the aid being cancelled but I do not have any advice on what to do to make your Mother stop calling.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My Mother tried to cancel the window washers today. She is not even paying for it! I think she feels that I should get on the ladder and spend 2 days washing windows-I walk with a cane- not gonna happen. I just get on the phone, tell them not to listen to her (in a nice way) and to come and do the work. Works everytime - she just pouts a little but who cares.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Can the caregiver be given a key? Would that solve the "won't let them in" problem?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Then exercise those powers of legal authority and tell the healthcare agency no one is to fire anyone unless you give the order and keep a standing order an aide is to be present once a week (or whatever schedule you want). Be on good terms with whomever is taking care of your mom, and just let them know she doesn't have all her faculties.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I have had to take everyone - doctors, housekeeper, neighbors, ect and tell them that decisions need to be run by me. I try to be respectful of my Mothers wishes but she will cancel everything and then complain. A lot of it is centered around money issues. She gets delusional about how much things cost - she thought the daily paper was $90 a month - so she cancels things. So frustrating because I am the one who has to straighten out the messes. Now I pull people aside and tell them my Mother has memory issues so as the primary caregiver I need to be informed of money issues. She has turned into Howard Hughes - saving tissues and paper plates. She will also tell people that she is "broke." She has more money than she will ever be able to spend. Makes me mad and embarrassed at the same time.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It is frightening, I agree. But at least this forum, and our friends' and families' experiences, all put together give us a map of the minefield. A partial map, anyway. Helps us expect the unexpected, if not actually be prepared. Better than nothing..???!!!! xxx
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks, Countrymouse, what it does is make me scared!

Knowing what my friend went through with her mom and how much my mom is like hers--feuds among the children about what could/should be done, seeing her mom being kicked out of a hospice facility because she was hallucinating,, getting her mom into an assisted living place and then the assisted living facility tell her (my friend) that her mom couldn't stay because she needed a higher level of care....getting a call that her mom is walking down a street in the middle of the night....and then having her mom pass away within a few months of being taken from her home...

Home health care aides are paid so poorly and have such a high turnover that I can see how an agency can't keep sending someone who won't be let in (I'm pretty sure they don't get paid if they don't perform the service.) Makes me get a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.

Sorry, skyisblue, that this isn't really helpful advice. You are not alone in this situation. Looking forward to others giving feedback and thoughts.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Stevensmom that care agency wants taking out and spanking. If they know what they're doing, they should also know that it's no good just taking a shut door for an answer and cancelling the service without reference to the primary care-giver. Makes you spit, doesn't it?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

They are all right everything should go thru you! I myself became my MILs primary caregiver so everything had to go thru me since my husband was working and I was the only one who new my milbetter than anyone including her own daughters! They didnt want to be bothered. So i investigated and was able to get a full time caregiver during the week (MIL is totally incapcited w dementia late stage) be patient and Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My friend went through this: the home health care aide would show up and her mom would refuse to let her in. After a few times of this, the agency would cancel the service. It was very hard on my friend.

More scary for me is that my mom sounds like she will be doing the same thing once we get her services set up. We've tried the posted notes and the calendar, but she keeps taking the notes down and doesn't remember what day or month it is or remember to look at the calendar or remember why someone is coming over even when it is written down. I

Making sure the aide is used to dealing with dementia patients is an excellent idea. Having the aide call you will work if you can take phone calls at that time. My friend could not as personal calls were not allowed where she works except for on breaks. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Absolutely agree - cut out the middle mom and go direct to the carer. Maybe a big bold calendar kept specially for the dates and times that the carer is supposed to come would help both of them, too? Or give the carer a tool to help reassure your mother, anyway. Incredibly frustrating for you; but eventually both parties will get the hang of it. Take a deep breath. x
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

NancyH is right on. I'd also make sure the aide is someone who has skills/training in caring for someone with dementia. If you have an aide who loses her temper easily or whose feelings get hurt easily, you're in for more trouble!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Then you're going to have to tell the health aide that the only person who can cancel her from coming is YOU. Your mother is probably forgetting that she canceled so she thinks this person didn't show up like she was supposed to. After you and this aide get the rules straight, then when your mother calls and says she wants to cancel the appt. the aide won't have to be jerked around like a yo yo, because unless YOU called her and canceled, she's going to show up. When she gets there IF your mom still remembers she wanted to cancel, the aide will have to have your mother call YOU there on the spot and double check. Either way, YOU are in charge of this from now on.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter