Follow
Share

My dad is on a feeding tube since July 2019. I am 55 went on pension to enjoy my pension years before I am to old to do it. My mom expect from me to be there 24 your and when I started to put my foot down because I got no social life or any friends left, then she will say things like yes go you will get me on day lying here in the house. I am on the stage where I think I got depression and cry for everything. I don't know how to handle them anymore. They refuse to go to an old age home. My dad is 81 and my mom 76. Please give me some advice

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
This is difficult indeed. Please find a way other than yourself to help them. Sending a (hug)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Does Mom have health problems? Or, just doesn't like caring for Dad fulltime?

No, you don't need to give your parents your life. My feeling is you don't have to physically care for your parents but...you should help them as much as you can. Like said one way is contacting your County's Office of Aging Dept. and seeing what services they provide. If parents are low income, Medicaid homecare may help.

If there is money for AL both can go to live there. Then Mom would have the help she needs. If they can afford homecare, use it. You are not Moms slave. If this retirement is recent it will be easier to set boundries. If not, will be harder but can be done. When my Mom stopped driving we set up a day to shop. We live in a small town so we ran errands too. I took her to Church. She had church friends that took her to Church events and other things. So, Mom did not depend on me for her social life. If ur Mom is not ill, then maybe u can give her time to socialize and watch Dad.

Can you sit down with her and ask what is it she expects from you. Make a list as u go. You don't need to answer her then, u may want to think it thru. Take that list and see what ur willing to do. If Mom needs help with Dads care, then help her find options. If she fights u like, I don't want a stranger in my house, say that that is the option she has.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

While you help so much, you are allowing them to think that they are ‘independent’ and there is no need for the care that a facility can provide. You have to stop, so that they can see the reality. It may seem difficult, but how can you leave them on their own long enough?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I think you will just have to live with her unhappiness and know it isn't really about you, you cannot FIX IT, and there is little to be happy about in some of the end of life things. Not everything is happy, and it is at its worst when you think you can do anything to cure it. Stephen Colbert said something so fascinating in an interview. Unlike me, he is a man of very strong faith. He said that even our tragedies are gifts of God. Cooper, pretty choked up, asked him if he really believed that, and he said that yes, he did. While I cannot see tragedy as a "gift from God" I CAN know that our lives are a mix of joy and sorrow. It is sometimes hardest to take in this season when joy is expected. Hugs. So sorry for the pain. Please be GOOD to yourself, because you deserve that. Trust me, you do.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Lvnsm1826 Dec 24, 2019
Colbert is interesting. He can be talking one minute about faith, and later insult someone who has a conservative view.

But i agree, while it's hard to recognize, our challenges help us grow
(1)
Report
In additional to the conversation calicokat recommended there are a few things that may enable you to stabilize things at your parents home for a while. Please understand you have absolutely _no_ obligation to assist your parents avoid the reality they need the daily help available from an Assisted Living (AL) facility.

If you're in the US, please contact your Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and get a needs assessment ASAP. States have some programs under community medicaid to assist seniors wanting to remain in their home and the social workers (SWs) at AAA can help your find and qualify your parents for available services. They can even recommend LTC facilities within your parent's financial resources.

Do your parents have the resources to fund in home care hours? Often 4 hours is the minimum shift; limited in home care hours are often one of the services available through community Medicaid.

If you take the time to fill out your profile and provide some additional information about your parents' health status and challenges, we could probably provide some specific recommendations on things that might help.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Honestly, this is hard. You might have to sit down and have an honest talk with mom - but she's probably going to be cranky about it. Let her know that you simply can not be at her service 24/7, it is just too much and you are finding it to be overwhelming. Be straight and let her know it is affecting your health.

Maybe offer a compromise to head off her demands, "Mom, I have other obligations during the week, but I can set aside Wednesday afternoon and Sunday evening to come by the house. I can help you with those things you need (set up pill box, change a lightbulb, take her to the grocery or errands, etc.), or if you don't need me to to anything, I'll cook us lunch/dinner and we can just visit"

You are already experiencing depression and it will only worsen if nothing changes. Read the questions and discussions on here and you will find a lot of other folks' experience -- caregiving can work, but boundries and a good plan are critical.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter