"Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry that your pretty reading glasses aren't where you think they should be. That is so frustating, isn't it? I don't think I've moved them, but if I did it was an accident. Let me help you search for them. If we can't find them today, I hope you can get by with this older pair until we can go shopping for a nice replacement."
That's what I'd say, when I could get past my own frustration.
Paula's experience is worth listening to. It doesn't help to get defensive, and the focus should be on solving the problem and ignoring the blame part of Mother's message.
This may become a little bit easier once you learn your mother's favorie hiding places. If small objects ususally migrate to the vegetable drawer in the fridge, that saves a lot of search time! :-D
This loss-and-accusation behavior is so very common among persons with dementia, Alzeheimer's particualrly, that much advice has been written for dealing with it. You might get some good ideas from a book by Jolene Brackey called "Creating Moments of Joy."
My mother has accused others of taking things off-and-on for as long as I can remember. It's escalated now that she's in her 80's and her memory is slipping, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I've found that the one thing I must not do is to try to defend myself or others. That only seems to prove guilt in her eyes. With that option eliminated, there only seems to be two left... either to ignore her, or to try and figure out where she's put the things she says have disappeared. It's difficult to say nothing when you're being accused of something you know you didn't do, but sometimes it's best to remain silent since anything you say can and will be used against you. :)
The other choice is to try to figure out what's she's doing with the things she claims are missing. I've found her checkbook hidden in an end table drawer and her pills in the Kleenex box. Of course you can't locate things that may have not been there to begin with—my mother is constantly thinking she's missing things she never had, or got rid of years ago. Basically you just have to play detective and try not to take the accusations to heart, if you can. I wish you luck!
How timely. I posed a similar question awhile ago and sadly the accusatory behavior has returned in force! My mom lives in Assisted Living and I see her every Sat. She calls me during the week to tell me about random things that have been taken from her, I try to reassure her we will get to the bottom of it when I come over. At one point she was very irate, and seems focused on one particular person (at this time) and I became very worried that she would confront this person of taking her cough drops (sigh) and bottle of water. My mother has been known to call the police about things being "stolen" in the past and was actually close to being evicted from her last apt. because of the accusatory behavior. So when she started telling me she would go "talk" to the woman I became panicked and me and mom got into an argument. The only thing accomplished was we were both hurt and upset with each other. My mother finally decided she could trust me to talk to the lady. I don't know, some days it's easier to ignore the blame game (I am now on the recieving end) and at times I just have to choose how long my visits with my mother will last depending on my patience and tolerance levels. I try to take a lot of deep breaths and breaks (Oh, I forgot something in my car) or I will try to distract her (seldom works with her but I try). I try to remind myself that it will pass and I try (if possible) to obtain the items she has lost or hidden.
menos daughter. Hoarding, stealing, hiding, accusations, suspicions, paranoia are all symptoms of this dreadful disease. I believe every professional caregiver could share a story that they have been accused of taking things...It does happen. but not combs or shampoo. lOL. Meno has his treasure box I allow him to take for his studies every 3rd week and I made him a matt for his dresser with an outline for his comb his brush his cologne, his circle and he knows if something is missing-just a thought.
I have the opposite problem most of the time: my aunt does actually take other peoples' things, then gets furious if someone tries to 'steal' them from her. (I slip them away when she's not paying attention and return them to the owner. My aunt never remembers having them at all). But as for people taking her stuff - yes, she does believe that from time to time. She even remembers a man who came in her room and took her candy or glasses or whatever. I tell her not to worry, I'll get them back as soon as I have a chance. I say it soothingly, then tell her it's time for Gunsmoke or Wheel of Fortune -- and she forgets. You have that on your side, you know. They forget. For a time, my aunt was going through my desk, taking any envelope that had her name on it. A lot of bills didn't get paid or got paid with penalties! So I got a small safe to keep her bills in --- and she stole the safe! I found it one day under her bed, with a butter knife next to it. I guess my advice is not to get offended, not to get defensive. You've already learned that doesn't work. Reasoning, arguing, explaining don't work. The deeply forget simply can't follow that kind of thinking. Just promise to take care of it. "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape."
My daughter steals my sticky notes all the time and goes through my box of things I like. I went to my memaws home far away and brought home a rock and she just threw it out. I remember by looking at notes, objects and thigs. If I see a featrher and pick it up and bring it home she throws it away- worry about bird flu. I do not hoard. Hoarding is different. It is a neurosis pattern. My memories are in my box. I do not bring home trash. I take one thing from the beach-maybe a shell and write the date and it helps me to remember that day. I can understand your problem muddpa. Hoarding is a problem that needs to be addressed by a psychologist or a Psychiatrist. I think she had 50 cent pieces and I think someone stole them unless she hid them and forgot but I bet you they were stolen or they are there among her hoarded stuff. People with dementia may forget things and then days or years later something triggers their memory. It happens to me all the time. I forget from one day to the next and then sometimes I can remember things from long ago and sometimes I remember something from not long ago. Don't we all do that? It is called mis-placing something. Dementia manifests paranoia and all sorts of neurosis'-I am on a roll today my daughter said. But I am serious. Listen to your mother in law. She is not a liar she may be confused but be nice to her. Take a deep breath and don't get all neurotic about her hoarding let your daughter talk to her if you and her always end up arguing about her house-HER HOUSE! You seem to be a flash point with her. I have books over a hundred years old-who throws away books? Build or buy her a book shelf-be her friend. Tooth brushes are good for cleaning between grout and mud out of shoes where the leather meets the sole. I bet you are a handy man-build her a tooth brush tree. Ask her what she wants with those old wooden spoons and damaged bowls- You wrote: Anything I decide she would not miss, she takes back out of the trash when I am gone-See-that tells me she knows you moved her stuff and she doesn't like that0I don't like anyone in my box. What if she did that to you? What if she went to your house and took things she thought you might not miss and threw them in the trash? You would hller and call her crazy! You would say she stole my stuff! You want to be a good son in law and I believe your intentions are good but she needs counseling or un-biased intervention. You are on her S list so cool it. Don't try to argue with someone who may be sick. Help her in other ways to regain her trust in you or has it always been cross-ways with her? Fix her basement so it doesn't flood anymore-Mold is poison--that your wife must address as a health issue. If you want to stay on her S list don't throw her trash in her trash take it to the dump and suffer the wrath later. I understand your point but I just remembered something The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Let your wife be the heavy-be nice to MIL-gain her trust and play good cop bad cop only you be the good cop. Reverse your roles. Old Clothes? People make money seling Olde clothes. I just remembered my daughter sold boxes of my wifes old clothes-I forgot-she owes me a dinner for that but since I cannot eat I wil make her buy something. I want a wind chime on my wifes grave. Thank you
Sumlerc--totally familiar. Have you had that experience where you hear yourself responding to the personal accusations and KNOW you need to close your mouth but yet you just keep going? AHHH. LOL. I agree, I think our loved ones know on some level it's there memory and just can't accept it. I just cannot imagine how that feels and my heart breaks for my mom (after I've calmed down). Emjo--I am going to try to channel your peacefulness...
My mom has done all these things. I do know my husband and I cannot leave things on the table anymore or they do come up missing and I find them in her purse. They struggle so hard to just try and understand where they are. Their minds are living in the past. Very sad.
In my grandfather's case, he said someone was stealing from him and we found that several relatives actually were. They hoped no one would believe him but I did and caught the guilty parties in a trap. Often people will take advantage of just such a situation.
That's what I'd say, when I could get past my own frustration.
Paula's experience is worth listening to. It doesn't help to get defensive, and the focus should be on solving the problem and ignoring the blame part of Mother's message.
This may become a little bit easier once you learn your mother's favorie hiding places. If small objects ususally migrate to the vegetable drawer in the fridge, that saves a lot of search time! :-D
This loss-and-accusation behavior is so very common among persons with dementia, Alzeheimer's particualrly, that much advice has been written for dealing with it. You might get some good ideas from a book by Jolene Brackey called "Creating Moments of Joy."
Good luck!
I've found that the one thing I must not do is to try to defend myself or others. That only seems to prove guilt in her eyes. With that option eliminated, there only seems to be two left... either to ignore her, or to try and figure out where she's put the things she says have disappeared. It's difficult to say nothing when you're being accused of something you know you didn't do, but sometimes it's best to remain silent since anything you say can and will be used against you. :)
The other choice is to try to figure out what's she's doing with the things she claims are missing. I've found her checkbook hidden in an end table drawer and her pills in the Kleenex box. Of course you can't locate things that may have not been there to begin with—my mother is constantly thinking she's missing things she never had, or got rid of years ago. Basically you just have to play detective and try not to take the accusations to heart, if you can. I wish you luck!
For a time, my aunt was going through my desk, taking any envelope that had her name on it. A lot of bills didn't get paid or got paid with penalties! So I got a small safe to keep her bills in --- and she stole the safe! I found it one day under her bed, with a butter knife next to it.
I guess my advice is not to get offended, not to get defensive. You've already learned that doesn't work. Reasoning, arguing, explaining don't work. The deeply forget simply can't follow that kind of thinking. Just promise to take care of it. "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape."
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