Mom and Dad both have dementia moved to ALF. Both are angry and call constantly to go home. What do I say? - AgingCare.com

Mom and Dad both have dementia moved to ALF. Both are angry and call constantly to go home. What do I say?

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Mom is 85, has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Dad is 87, diagnosed with dementia. They moved in after after dad had a heart attack. They both forget conversations from day to day; so each day we start over with the same accusations of "Who did this to us, why are we here, we want to go home." They are in the nicest apartment in a lovely well-staffed facility where my sister is Director of Operations. Their children are paying for this until we are able to sell their home; they have NO other assets. They are SO fortunate to have this option. How do we help them understand it is not safe for them to live at home? We can't afford on-going home care because selling their house is the only option for paying the costs long term. They both think they are perfectly fine and that if we let them go home they can take care of themselves just fine (in a large home with a 1 acre yard). I have been caring for them/their home for the past 11 years with increasing frequency - every day since mom was diagnosed. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do next. Their doctors, minister & family members are all on the same page. What else can we do?

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Medicate the anger, and stay away until they settle in.
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I agree that reducing contact and keeping calls few and short and directed to something else are probably needed. Since their doc is on side let him/her be the bad guy and tell them dr says it is necessary for their care and safety. My mother wanted to move into a different and inferior facility - her way of problem solving. I said by all means, but I was not going to help her. You can't reason with them.
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Kaylani, well you might already know that sometimes when a person who has dementia/Alzheimer's and states they *want to go home*, it could mean they want to go back to the life where they were active and of clear minded.

Sounds like your parents are in an ideal living arrangement. I wish my parents would do that because they are age declining rather quickly now. Of course we can't convince our parents that living alone in their single family home isn't a wise choice... don't forget, we are still the *child*, and what do we know :P

The post above by Chicago1954 is right, don't visit every day, and limit it to one telephone call. I have read on these forums here where if you do visit don't make it for the same time each day... some have found their parent in the activities room enjoying bingo or whatever and had a deer in headlights expression when they saw their grown child standing at the door... oops.
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We'll talk to the doctor about that at your next appointment, dad. He says you need to be here until you can walk (insert impossible distance here) feet
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Are you visiting daily? If so, start spreading out the visits and give them a chance to fit in and hopefully, join in. The phone can become a problem. Talk to them once a day and direct the conversation towards other things. Do not answer their calls, after that, especially since their daughter works there.

I tried and tried to get my sister, to just let the phone ring. She couldn't do it. Mother would call her all day long. Mother outlived my sister. Go figure.

Mother is almost 96 and has been in the NH for 2 years. She keeps wanting to go to her house. I tell her to arrange it. We can't lift or transport her. She, of course, never does.

Have you read The 36 Hour Day? Or Caring For Your Difficult Older Parent?
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