Mom moved to rest home after dad died, told us kids sell/trash what she left. She obsesses/cries about getting what is gone! What to do?

Norene - svenska & her bro didn't toss out her moms things or dump them willy nilly. At the beginning of posting her question, she says after dad died, mom moved and told them to get rid of anything she had left behind. Mom wasn't diagnosed with dementia then that sounds likely that she has some of it now, along with other medical problems. And now she is obsessing about past actions that can't really be changed anymore. Some very creative solutions have been given here and we hope it puts svenska's mom more at ease.

Read the entire post again, CarolLynn. Then, put yourself in "Mom's position.

You know, I don't take moms position is the point here. This is a form for you're giving support and svenska k some background information and asked, what to do to bring a little happiness to her mom. The fact that she and her brother took her mother at her word prior to when she had some dementia, if in fact she has it now (l think maybe a little, so now this obsession will probably get worse), and discarded somethings I believe for unimportant to their mother. I didn't see any intention to willfully dispose of things, and probably had no experience for advance knowledge that the mom might 'flip' like this over something she herself was willing to walk away from. They can find her a substitute they said a substitute a hairbrush to is mom out of her concern over those items but my experience has been, as soon as one obsession is solved, another one is Lee slips in and takes its place. So in trying to soothe svenska, didn't seem necessary to focus on items that were no longer available and weren't gotten rid of thoughtlessly. ps-

I say again, as a hoarder who hates to have any of my possessions go away, that the mother is sad because she is old and sick and losing her mind and going to die. At this stage, she is just using those lost objects as a focus for her feelings. If they could magically be restored to her, she would still be sad.

Still, it's a good lesson for those of us who will do the mother move-out in the future to wait for a bit before getting rid of everything, and holding on to what we see as most likely to be missed.

My mother died before my father, and he cleared out the house. He has been dead for 16 years, and I'm still mad at him for throwing out her book of handwritten and clipped-out recipes. He thought we would be happier with the Time-Life international cookbook series. So in a sense, you can't win.

There has been a lot of discussion concerning material possessions. Some individuals are very defensive about possessions; others are less so.

We cannot always convince a person to change their attitude, whether it be about possessions or anything else. But we as individuals can continue to learn and grow, and in doing so, hopefully avoid becoming that much more of a burden to others when we are in need of special care.

I’d like to quote from “Steps Toward Inner Peace” by Peace Pilgrim, who helped give me perspective regarding possessions: “Material things must be put into their proper place. They are there for use. It’s all right to use them; that’s what they’re there for. But when they’ve outlived their usefulness, be ready to relinquish them and perhaps pass them on to someone who does need them. Anything that you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you….”

Our most valuable possessions are those inner qualities that define us. No thief can take them, no moth can eat them, they do not rust, or decay. If we can help someone under our care to realize this, that is a good thing. We cannot change those who are unwilling to change. But we can at least cultivate our own inner nature, so that we will appreciate those who help us when the time comes that we need them.

It don't matter obliviously she can feel somethings missing and if that little Vase meant a lot to her you should of keept it! What would of it hurt? Or a few other things even if she couldn't see it well or whatever you could have sat by her and told her to feel the Vase she loves or her comb or brush. Buy another Vase and brush so what! and tell her if shes blind to feel it tell her you have it anything as long as shes Happy. That's what I would do. I keep everything my mother loves because it means a whole lot to me as along as some of the things she loves is around me in my room in the house it reminds me of my mom and i look at it with Happiness. I would Never get rid of my mother things NEVER.

LightedPumken, It's so nice that you love your mother so much. But you don't understand what happened here. Mom said to throw it all out. It was a house full of a lifetime of treasures and trash. The house had to be sold. No one can keep the entire contents of a house just in case Mom wants it!

And Mom told them to throw it out! Svenska47 already feels bad. She shouldn't.

Yes I'm sorry I just got a big mouth. And I love Moms. Well hopefully she get over it and forget. When she talks about it just change the subject take her out for a ice cream or get her some in the house she can eat to get her mind off that. Or There's all kind of cool things to say or do to get her mind off it. Sounds like your in a pickle.

My MIL has asked the "kids" (all in their 60s) to come later in the month and clean out the trailer and take what they want. There are 4 of them. I am starting to think that they should just pack up everything and put it in storage. Just because Mom wants to get rid of it now, doesn't mean she won't miss it. Thanks for this thread, I hadn't thought about this before.