Mom moved to rest home after dad died, told us kids sell/trash what she left. She obsesses/cries about getting what is gone! What to do?

My MIL has asked the "kids" (all in their 60s) to come later in the month and clean out the trailer and take what they want. There are 4 of them. I am starting to think that they should just pack up everything and put it in storage. Just because Mom wants to get rid of it now, doesn't mean she won't miss it. Thanks for this thread, I hadn't thought about this before.

Yes I'm sorry I just got a big mouth. And I love Moms. Well hopefully she get over it and forget. When she talks about it just change the subject take her out for a ice cream or get her some in the house she can eat to get her mind off that. Or There's all kind of cool things to say or do to get her mind off it. Sounds like your in a pickle.

LightedPumken, It's so nice that you love your mother so much. But you don't understand what happened here. Mom said to throw it all out. It was a house full of a lifetime of treasures and trash. The house had to be sold. No one can keep the entire contents of a house just in case Mom wants it!

And Mom told them to throw it out! Svenska47 already feels bad. She shouldn't.

It don't matter obliviously she can feel somethings missing and if that little Vase meant a lot to her you should of keept it! What would of it hurt? Or a few other things even if she couldn't see it well or whatever you could have sat by her and told her to feel the Vase she loves or her comb or brush. Buy another Vase and brush so what! and tell her if shes blind to feel it tell her you have it anything as long as shes Happy. That's what I would do. I keep everything my mother loves because it means a whole lot to me as along as some of the things she loves is around me in my room in the house it reminds me of my mom and i look at it with Happiness. I would Never get rid of my mother things NEVER.

There has been a lot of discussion concerning material possessions. Some individuals are very defensive about possessions; others are less so.

We cannot always convince a person to change their attitude, whether it be about possessions or anything else. But we as individuals can continue to learn and grow, and in doing so, hopefully avoid becoming that much more of a burden to others when we are in need of special care.

I’d like to quote from “Steps Toward Inner Peace” by Peace Pilgrim, who helped give me perspective regarding possessions: “Material things must be put into their proper place. They are there for use. It’s all right to use them; that’s what they’re there for. But when they’ve outlived their usefulness, be ready to relinquish them and perhaps pass them on to someone who does need them. Anything that you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you….”

Our most valuable possessions are those inner qualities that define us. No thief can take them, no moth can eat them, they do not rust, or decay. If we can help someone under our care to realize this, that is a good thing. We cannot change those who are unwilling to change. But we can at least cultivate our own inner nature, so that we will appreciate those who help us when the time comes that we need them.

I say again, as a hoarder who hates to have any of my possessions go away, that the mother is sad because she is old and sick and losing her mind and going to die. At this stage, she is just using those lost objects as a focus for her feelings. If they could magically be restored to her, she would still be sad.

Still, it's a good lesson for those of us who will do the mother move-out in the future to wait for a bit before getting rid of everything, and holding on to what we see as most likely to be missed.

My mother died before my father, and he cleared out the house. He has been dead for 16 years, and I'm still mad at him for throwing out her book of handwritten and clipped-out recipes. He thought we would be happier with the Time-Life international cookbook series. So in a sense, you can't win.

You know, I don't take moms position is the point here. This is a form for you're giving support and svenska k some background information and asked, what to do to bring a little happiness to her mom. The fact that she and her brother took her mother at her word prior to when she had some dementia, if in fact she has it now (l think maybe a little, so now this obsession will probably get worse), and discarded somethings I believe for unimportant to their mother. I didn't see any intention to willfully dispose of things, and probably had no experience for advance knowledge that the mom might 'flip' like this over something she herself was willing to walk away from. They can find her a substitute they said a substitute a hairbrush to is mom out of her concern over those items but my experience has been, as soon as one obsession is solved, another one is Lee slips in and takes its place. So in trying to soothe svenska, didn't seem necessary to focus on items that were no longer available and weren't gotten rid of thoughtlessly. ps-

Read the entire post again, CarolLynn. Then, put yourself in "Mom's position.

Norene - svenska & her bro didn't toss out her moms things or dump them willy nilly. At the beginning of posting her question, she says after dad died, mom moved and told them to get rid of anything she had left behind. Mom wasn't diagnosed with dementia then that sounds likely that she has some of it now, along with other medical problems. And now she is obsessing about past actions that can't really be changed anymore. Some very creative solutions have been given here and we hope it puts svenska's mom more at ease.

Since I am the only one on this site who is closer in age ( I think ) to the " Mom's" whose possessions are at issue, I strongly urge all of you to consider the fact that these "things" are not yours to give away. I would be heartbroken and probably angry if any one of my children gave away or disposed of anything I considered mine. Keep the stuff somewhere if it bothers you. There will be plenty of time to "dispose" of things after the passing. Just wait and see.

BTW tinacategory 9, Jesus Christ did not help me find that [very bad word here] fuschia jacket, and I had no problem lying to her face. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Pray to god, but row for shore"?

Dear terrim, Are you new here?Reread teebee's post. teebee described my situation exactly, [although my mom is gone.} My mother's obsession was a fuschia jacket. She worried me to death about that [insert very bad word here] fuschia jacket. I tore apart closet after closet, even our storage shed, and never found it. In desperation, I told her that my sister in Ohio took it. I then emailed my sister and told her to pretend that she had it and wore it a lot. My mom was happy that my sister was wearing it. So everyone was happy. I had NO problem with lying through my teeth.

Your mom has suffered much loss not only with items but her abilites so I believe this may be part of the desperation to want and hold on to things of the past. I'm wondering if she knows Jesus as her Lord and Savior? I would encourage her to hold onto Him and the promises of the Word for her healing, and her future. There are good bible promise books with subject headings with appropriate scriptures that can be found online or any Christian bookstore. One of my favorites from Joyce Meyer is "The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word." You could read and record it so she can listen and expect good things to happen as there is nothing to difficult for God and is in the healing business still. There are good teaching tapes also available from many good ministers. TBN (trinity broadcasting network) is a good connection for ministers for their tapes. Rod Parsley has a daily devotional book I love also called, "Grace, Healing and Hope." I read out of both of these books along with a couple of others daily to my lady I care for. Having her repeat them does wonders for her along with prayer especially on the harder days. Apostle Paul states in Phil 3:13-14 of his goal in "leaving or forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to the mark for the prize of the high or upward calling of God in Christ Jesus." No earthly thing compares to Him. Too many times we put our worth in what we do instead of who we are In Christ. I wrote a poem a few years back I'd like to share a few lines with you.. It's entitled, "Who Am I?" ""As each day is a gift of new mercies that are given from the One above. I think of what that really means to this woman who is drawn so near through His great gift of love. "I AM who I AM" says the God who created me. "Your are part of Me as I AM in you, so be confident and know your worth is in that you belong to Me and not in what you do." " Your mom needs to also know she has purpose today and now even with her disabilites and she does and can make a difference in this world. I pray her peace and assurance of belonging to God give her much hope and encouragement during this trying time along with yourself! Blessings.

this is so unfortunate happened with your mom, feeling so sad for her. you must help her first of all she is blind consult a home health care giver so that they can help your mom in doing day to day works.
second thing is get your mom to a activity like something she adores. divert her min make her feel happy.
keep in mind you are the only person who can help her no body else could.

I agree that she is mourning other losses. Ignore the blame and give her sympathy.

I have been going thru this for 3 years. When I went to pick up Mom I went thru her house and collected things that I knew she cherished. They are scattered all over my home where she can enjoy them. But she moans the fact we sold her house and all her "stuff" so we could get her money. It is all in the bank in her name(and mine). So, anyone facing this situation, save some of the things your loved one cherishes--no matter how silly it seems to you. I have boxes of greeting cards that Mom has gotten from her family over the years. When she is gone I can toss them. For now it gives her pleasure to see them and they don't take up a lot of room. What seems to be junk to you may be a treasure to your loved one and help smooth the way for them to change their way of living. I try to put myself in their place. What if I had to go live with one of my kids? How would I feel having to give up nearly everything I own to fit in. I know any one of them would take me in but it would be a big adjustment for both of us. I had the advantage of an attatched apartment on my house for Mom.

Creative fibbing might work if she has dementia. If that be the case, you might try asking your mom to describe the favorite things in detail, explaining that you just found out many of the items were purchased or given to a neighbor, or kept by siblings, friends, etc... and you could ask around to see if they still have them. Then try to "find" the items by replacing them with something similar. It's a thought. If she then keeps asking after other things then, you'll know it's simply wishing for the past and not particular items.

I am confused. Why would somebody be nasty and negative when someone needs help? I ASSUME it's because that person just is. Sad that they bring criticism to a place where WE just NEED Support! Don't we all have too much of this in our lives? Sigh.

Another idea that might help. If your mother is blind, this task may be even easier. My FIL wanted his old reading glasses that he believed were still at his house. We had emptied the house, and found tons of old reading glasses that were wrecked. We had brought him the newest looking ones, but those were not the ones he wanted. So we asked him to describe the glasses to us. We purchased new ones that fit the description and he was thrilled. He thought those were his old glasses. I wonder if you could buy a new hair brush and vase that she may think are the ones she lost. Tell her you searched and found them. That may make her happy.

Why on earth would you get rid of her stuff?

Good point from vstefans. As I was reading this stuff, I remembered my grandfather (mother's dad) who was in looking back, most definitely a hoarder, accusing my mother and father of getting rid of all of his 'valuable' stuff. In truth, he willy nilly gave things to friends and neighbors before he was incapacitated enough that he had to be moved out of his home and the 'junk' left was what he was - excuse the term - bitching and accusing about!
Now my own mother, close to 80 and a chip off the old block, lives in a 5000 sf house that none of my siblings are willing to blast them out of. My dad, 83, is a complete denier and he compulsively organizes her non ending purchases, partly out of being (true) German and partly out of, I think, embarrassment. With all the square footage of such a big house and his full time organizing, they do not have the outward appearance of hoarders. But as my mother has complained about not being able to get my dad to move out of such a big house, she has constantly gone the other direction of progress in buying junk non stop. She has always done this (used to take me shopping as a kid and would buy me something and make me promise not to tell my father!!!). A few years ago, when my sister who lives down the street from them was having a garage/moving sale (she and her husband are hoarders too) my mother came down and BOUGHT BACK some of the stuff she gave my sister that my dad had convinced her to get rid of!
Long story short, history can tend to repeat itself. My mother was constantly beat up by my grandfather for getting rid of his great stuff and I guarantee, she will do the same thing not far down the road! I guess you just have to develop a tough skin and not fall into the same trap in the future. Do what you know is best. It can be like dealing with teenagers.

There is a difference between keeping a few objects that bring back joyful memories and hoarding trash. Some of what you threw out was not trash even though no one but Mom would really value it, the expert is right on this one! I bet she was in deep grief and at the moment just did not care about any "stuff" anymore, next to the loss of her sweetie. And I also bet you stashed some sentimental stuff somewhere that will help. Being blind has not got that much to do with it - the familiar feel, smells, heft of an item could be just the thing that would make her feel like she has something of her old life to cherish. Anything of Dad's could be very special too, even if it makes her cry at first.

We are going through a little of this, so I sympathize. In our case, I was just notified that Mother has her jewelry at the NH. There has been nothing we could do to dissuade her. Hugs to you.

We are going through a little of this, so I sympathize. In our case, I was just notified that Mother has her jewelry at the NH. There has been nothing we could do to dissuade her. Hugs to you.

You mentioned she is blind. I am in agreement that it is ok to tell her an 'un-truth' if it makes her feel better. Find replacement items if you think she wouldn't know the difference. If you can't do that I think the best thing to do is just to empathize. Encourage her to talk about her feelings; really, if she is of sound mind, that is truly what it is all about.
It is an excellent point that losing seemingly unimportant things (to anyone else, and things that you would have no idea she might miss -nor perhaps would she either, till it is gone) are a reminder that she is in a phase of life that more than ever signifies loss and dying. Hold her hand, encourage her feelings to come out, validate her point of view and then reinforce that you share those memories (gardening together or her beautiful tomatoes, etc. Whatever is really behind all of this).
My husband's brother very brutally - in my husbands and my opinion - sold everything in an estate sale of my MIL's. Even the family was told 'if you want it, you have to bid on it'. Unbelievable. But it was done. When she entered the nursing home all her familiar things were gone. As time has progressed she has forgotten who got what (almost all of it was sold without any input by BIL). She brings things up and will ask, 'now, do YOU have so and so?' We often say we do. Sometimes we say we aren't sure, but we are sure someone is putting it to good use, just as she did, and then we segue into talking about memories. Or we ask her 'what caused you to think of that, Mom?' and she begins to reminisce.
When my dear sweet grandmother passed away 21 years ago about all I wanted of hers was her electric hand mixer! She and I used to bake and she always let me explore with my cooking. I learned to be a great cook in her kitchen and that motor had a certain...smell that I could smell and remember those times. I kept it even after the worn out rubber cord was frayed and I couldn't use it anymore. Years past and I finally got rid of it. She was gone and so were those times and I no longer needed them to think of her and remember.
I truly believe for your mom the stuff isn't all that important. The memories that came with them and the thought that the memories could GO AWAY is scary. Things are things. If you share the thoughts with her, she may find comfort knowing that those memories will never die.

My mom is obsessing about her picture, and moving her belongings and the reason after listening to her rather than hearing her is nothing is familiar to her. I personally don't like her taste or even the reason why she would hold on to something that needs to be in the trash, but it is hers. I had to put myself in her place and sense to feel what it must be like not to see anything familiar or things that where generally in place moved which also brings on confusion and what I have noticed, when things that are there are moved and out of place they feel out of control of their life. This is the one thing that makes sense and they can have control over. So I put back one of her old pictures back on the wall and her disposition shifted a little. I will be doing a little more to keep some peace and sanity in the home. Hope that helps. Look at the situation if it where you!

I apologize for all the mistakes in that last post. It is my Android voice recognition it just doesn't work very well but there are too many corrections to make. As I reread it, I think you can probably get the gist of it so I'm not going to post any corrections as I usually do.

We've all heard the expression "Necessity is the mother of invention", right? Well, in my younger years, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant title for a future book, "Mother is the necessity of invention". I know we're not supposed to laugh at your own jokes but hahahahaha.

The bottom line was, that even as I grew into an adult, my mother's penetrating and personal questions put me in the unfortunate position of lying to her, both to preserve my sanity, while at the same time not wanting to hurt her or offend her sensibilities by getting "in her face" with an answer that even though honest, I knew what upset her. I mean, why do that? So, even though with everybody else in my life, honesty being the best policy was my policy. But my mom put me in the position of lying to her because she didn't have any sense of propriety to NOT ask certain questions of an adult.

It was that learning experience that allowed me to be more less comfortable and practicing the therapeutic lying I believe was necessary when caretaking for different people in my life with dementia. Each person must decide this for himself but I decided my main criterion was considering the comfort of the dementia patient.

In this particular case, when mom is reading about her things, I believe you should go into the broken record technique of briefly mentioning there wasn't space to bring all of your stuff, what is it she needed, you get it for her the next time you went to storage. If she doesn't have some dementia going on, she is blind and elderly and if she has the remembrance to ask you what about what you were going to get storage, you bring her something similar and say is this it mom? If she says no (and she very well may say no even if it had been hurt very item, so prepare yourself for that too), just tell her you're looking bring back the right thing the next time. So a combination of therapeutic lying and broken record should give her some peace of mind, which should be your main concern. There's nothing wrong, in the meantime, that you make a humorous little game out of it to keep yourself from going nuts.

After my father passed and it was established that my mother live with me (her decision, not coerced), we had to empty out a house of 55 years and clearly majority of that stuff could never fit in my house nor would I want it to! We had a tag sale and allowed my mother to decide what should be sold and what she can bring to my house. Since that time, when the occasion arises such as with Christmas decorations etc, she mourns it and states I "made" her get rid of it! It is so very hurtful to me because I clearly could not hold on to it and at this point in our lives, I feel I have what is most important --- her well cared for in my home! At times, when it is getting harder to take care of her, it is really hurtful to hear that she "blames" me... and no, I don't think she has dementia as an excuse!

I don't know if this will help your mother, but it helped me. I was a second-generation pack rat. I felt that I could not get rid of anything due to sentimental reasons, etc. Then I came across an article about Peace Pilgrim and her Steps Toward Inner Peace (which is a small pamphlet). I also read the book her friends wrote about her. You can find both the pamphlet and book for free on the web at peacepilgrim.org.