Mom moved to rest home after dad died, told us kids sell/trash what she left. She obsesses/cries about getting what is gone! What to do?

Oh this is so sad. My mother inlaw had the same issues with her stuff but her temperament was one to get angry and not to cry. I think I can deal with anger better than tears. For us I used humor (and I confess, sarcasm) often. She can not walk anymore but she wanted to keep her 60 year old high heel collection. NONE of these shoes could have been worn even IF she did walk. I asked other people to speak with her re the benefit of getting rid of things . . . so I wasn't always having to play the part of the bad guy. As I reread your message I see that she "says she cries" do you think she is angry at you and this is her way of trying to make you feel bad. Maybe you could use honesty mixed with gentleness. Be frank and say "mom those things are gone now. They aren't coming back" but then ask her to tell you the meaning of them. Maybe write down what she says and when she brings it up again you can say something (for example) " oh I understand why you miss that weed hoe. You had a beautiful garden that everyone admired"

It seems when you get older or have some kind of illness, "things" seem to be more important to you. These "things" of your mother's were not necessarily important to anyone but her. I can understand her feelings because she must know that her days are numbered and she would at least like to have some familiar things with her--not matter how insignificant to others. This may sound like a very dumb question, but any possibility of getting back the vase or hair brush??? My sons had blankets that they could not part with for several years--I let them make the decision to "let go", when they felt it was time. I feel there is a lesson learned here--your mother still had her mind and should have been asked for her opinion on her "things", not anyone else. Soooooo, what can be done? Maybe nothing! But I would suggest that you sit with mom, if you have not already done so, and try to bring some memories to her from home. I made my mother a "memory book" even though she was still able to remember, But I wanted to give her something special. So perhaps, you could make her some kind of memory item for her to hang on to--"hanging on" later in life maybe all that you have left. Sooooo, give her some new items--a letter than she might have written to you when you were younger, a special gift that she gave you and you want her to have it for now, a special picture of you as a child with a great story for her to remember. If you can't find those items that were given away, then make new items that are very precious from your heart and the families--Maybe, this will make her happy and I am sure that you will be happy also. Peace.

Does your mother have dementia? If so, perhaps engage in "therapeutic fibbing," where you tell her the items are in storage. Sometimes that is enough to satisfy a loved one who misses their things. And while it's too late in your situation, when moving my mother out of her house this past year, I meticulously went through every item in her house (and she was a hoarder, so I had to to see what was hidden everywhere!) and made decisions on what was important to her in her life and what was expendable. I kept things that I knew meant something to her or would mean something to my sisters and me after she passes and have them boxed up in my basement. Some things of hers are actually out and in use at my house and my sister's so we can show it to Mom when she is over visiting (she lives in a memory-care residence). She is always relieved and happy to know that her things are in my basement or when I can show it to her. Again, if your mom has dementia and you think you can "fool" her, you can show her some items that look like hers to appease her. You don't have to lie -- when she asks for her hairbrush, you can show her one that looks like it and just say "You mean like this one?" That might be enough to calm her down.
And the other thing you might want to consider: We are only responsible for our own happiness. We cannot make others happy. We can only do the right and responsible thing for them and ourselves/our families. You will not ever make your mother happy, but you can let go of the idea that you are responsible for making her happy. These things tear us all apart, I know. Good luck and God bless.

My mother had closets crammed with clothes. When she went into a nursing home 9 months ago with limited space I picked her favourites and sent the rest to Goodwill. Now in a private room with 2 wardrobes, she wants another wardrobe because hers are packed. Winter coats take up space and I've offered many times to keep them for her until winter but that's just met with "It'll be winter before you get around to it". At least every week or two I get "You threw all my clothes away!". Her dementia is increasing alarmingly to the point we have a fight every couple of days which puts me in a deep depression. Unfortunately she's been mean, nasty and spiteful her whole life and I've vowed to avoid her as much as possible before the stress makes me ill.

I know how she must feel-so sad- helpless, losing everything- I would sit with your mom , and when she cries, just let her know u understand how she feels-it is sad- u know? maybe even say- oh yes, I remember that brush- do u remember when u used to brush my hair? something like that-kind of a diversion of a sad thought to a happier one- and if its something like the high heels? so what if she cant wear them, its how they made her feel...we may think it isnt worth making a fuss about, but u would be surprised how little things that mean nothing to us, might mean a great deal to them-
lots of hugs,hand holding, compassion kissing, let her feel the sad-and maybe follow up the crying with a different memory-that would make her smile-
with my mom, when things like that happen, when she is sad, or cries I say, do u remember when nanny (her mom and i were very close)and I used to play pisha paysa(sp)a card game- and she would laugh- and then we would move on to the next topic-
so sad-
I miss my moms things more than she does- I think- its hard- but this whole disease sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!I just hate it! so unfair!!!!!!!!!!
love to u and hugs and strength I send to u, love k

Just wondering if the crying and obsessing might be a condition unto itself? If the lost stuff weren't an issue, would she carry on about something else? Perhaps some specialized medical attention is needed.

My dad has dementia with Lewy bodies with Parkinsonisms and total body atrophy. He requires 24/7 care for everything . He is wheelchair bound now. He seems to be getting worse every day. the doctor finally signed off on home care through hospice which will come 3days a week. Mom has onset dementia and
Some days are better than others. They live in FLA. sis live with and takes care of them. I live in MASS. We have tried to get mom to "downsize" staring when they initially moved from here to FLA. she would have no part of it..so it all moved with them. They live in a rented house but with their health and memory problems they will need to go to senior housing...or for dad a NH. Again we are trying to get her to downsize, but she is steadfast and won't take the apt. If she can't get all her stuff in it. They have a mattress in the garage she won't through out because "she might need it". Despite telling her no one would even want to sleep on it b/c it now is a home for insects, she won't get rid of it. She has a console stereo she got in 1962, it doesn't work, but she has moved it from place to place, along with other stuff. I understand some ofmthismstuff has deep memories, moreover, she is a child of the depression and had little to nothing most of her life so parting with things is hard. How can we get her to part with the furniture and other things she can't move around with her anymore?

When my daughter was young, she had a very difficult time letting go of her stuffed animals, each of which had an ascribed personality. She's a compassionate person, so we appealed to her compassion by helping her donate her stuffed toys to the local sherif's (who gave them to children in painful situations), or we set up an adoption center at our garage sales. If your mom is a compassionate person, you may be able to tickle the part of her hypothalamus that triggers a desire to help others. Let her know her treasures were given to someone who needed her help. "Help" is the operative word. For instance, we all want to help someone who can't find something in the grocery story or is lost in our neighborhood. I'll be interested to hear whether this helps her.

I am confused. If your mother is blind, how will she know if the hoe is the same one and all the other objects? Always ask before you ASSUME someone wants to get rid of something that you have no idea what it meant to them. If they are gone, they are gone, but in the future, try to be more empathetic as your day will come. Better put your "favorite" things you want to keep in writing.

I don't know if this will help your mother, but it helped me. I was a second-generation pack rat. I felt that I could not get rid of anything due to sentimental reasons, etc. Then I came across an article about Peace Pilgrim and her Steps Toward Inner Peace (which is a small pamphlet). I also read the book her friends wrote about her. You can find both the pamphlet and book for free on the web at peacepilgrim.org.

After my father passed and it was established that my mother live with me (her decision, not coerced), we had to empty out a house of 55 years and clearly majority of that stuff could never fit in my house nor would I want it to! We had a tag sale and allowed my mother to decide what should be sold and what she can bring to my house. Since that time, when the occasion arises such as with Christmas decorations etc, she mourns it and states I "made" her get rid of it! It is so very hurtful to me because I clearly could not hold on to it and at this point in our lives, I feel I have what is most important --- her well cared for in my home! At times, when it is getting harder to take care of her, it is really hurtful to hear that she "blames" me... and no, I don't think she has dementia as an excuse!

We've all heard the expression "Necessity is the mother of invention", right? Well, in my younger years, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant title for a future book, "Mother is the necessity of invention". I know we're not supposed to laugh at your own jokes but hahahahaha.

The bottom line was, that even as I grew into an adult, my mother's penetrating and personal questions put me in the unfortunate position of lying to her, both to preserve my sanity, while at the same time not wanting to hurt her or offend her sensibilities by getting "in her face" with an answer that even though honest, I knew what upset her. I mean, why do that? So, even though with everybody else in my life, honesty being the best policy was my policy. But my mom put me in the position of lying to her because she didn't have any sense of propriety to NOT ask certain questions of an adult.

It was that learning experience that allowed me to be more less comfortable and practicing the therapeutic lying I believe was necessary when caretaking for different people in my life with dementia. Each person must decide this for himself but I decided my main criterion was considering the comfort of the dementia patient.

In this particular case, when mom is reading about her things, I believe you should go into the broken record technique of briefly mentioning there wasn't space to bring all of your stuff, what is it she needed, you get it for her the next time you went to storage. If she doesn't have some dementia going on, she is blind and elderly and if she has the remembrance to ask you what about what you were going to get storage, you bring her something similar and say is this it mom? If she says no (and she very well may say no even if it had been hurt very item, so prepare yourself for that too), just tell her you're looking bring back the right thing the next time. So a combination of therapeutic lying and broken record should give her some peace of mind, which should be your main concern. There's nothing wrong, in the meantime, that you make a humorous little game out of it to keep yourself from going nuts.

I apologize for all the mistakes in that last post. It is my Android voice recognition it just doesn't work very well but there are too many corrections to make. As I reread it, I think you can probably get the gist of it so I'm not going to post any corrections as I usually do.

My mom is obsessing about her picture, and moving her belongings and the reason after listening to her rather than hearing her is nothing is familiar to her. I personally don't like her taste or even the reason why she would hold on to something that needs to be in the trash, but it is hers. I had to put myself in her place and sense to feel what it must be like not to see anything familiar or things that where generally in place moved which also brings on confusion and what I have noticed, when things that are there are moved and out of place they feel out of control of their life. This is the one thing that makes sense and they can have control over. So I put back one of her old pictures back on the wall and her disposition shifted a little. I will be doing a little more to keep some peace and sanity in the home. Hope that helps. Look at the situation if it where you!

You mentioned she is blind. I am in agreement that it is ok to tell her an 'un-truth' if it makes her feel better. Find replacement items if you think she wouldn't know the difference. If you can't do that I think the best thing to do is just to empathize. Encourage her to talk about her feelings; really, if she is of sound mind, that is truly what it is all about.
It is an excellent point that losing seemingly unimportant things (to anyone else, and things that you would have no idea she might miss -nor perhaps would she either, till it is gone) are a reminder that she is in a phase of life that more than ever signifies loss and dying. Hold her hand, encourage her feelings to come out, validate her point of view and then reinforce that you share those memories (gardening together or her beautiful tomatoes, etc. Whatever is really behind all of this).
My husband's brother very brutally - in my husbands and my opinion - sold everything in an estate sale of my MIL's. Even the family was told 'if you want it, you have to bid on it'. Unbelievable. But it was done. When she entered the nursing home all her familiar things were gone. As time has progressed she has forgotten who got what (almost all of it was sold without any input by BIL). She brings things up and will ask, 'now, do YOU have so and so?' We often say we do. Sometimes we say we aren't sure, but we are sure someone is putting it to good use, just as she did, and then we segue into talking about memories. Or we ask her 'what caused you to think of that, Mom?' and she begins to reminisce.
When my dear sweet grandmother passed away 21 years ago about all I wanted of hers was her electric hand mixer! She and I used to bake and she always let me explore with my cooking. I learned to be a great cook in her kitchen and that motor had a certain...smell that I could smell and remember those times. I kept it even after the worn out rubber cord was frayed and I couldn't use it anymore. Years past and I finally got rid of it. She was gone and so were those times and I no longer needed them to think of her and remember.
I truly believe for your mom the stuff isn't all that important. The memories that came with them and the thought that the memories could GO AWAY is scary. Things are things. If you share the thoughts with her, she may find comfort knowing that those memories will never die.

We are going through a little of this, so I sympathize. In our case, I was just notified that Mother has her jewelry at the NH. There has been nothing we could do to dissuade her. Hugs to you.

We are going through a little of this, so I sympathize. In our case, I was just notified that Mother has her jewelry at the NH. There has been nothing we could do to dissuade her. Hugs to you.

There is a difference between keeping a few objects that bring back joyful memories and hoarding trash. Some of what you threw out was not trash even though no one but Mom would really value it, the expert is right on this one! I bet she was in deep grief and at the moment just did not care about any "stuff" anymore, next to the loss of her sweetie. And I also bet you stashed some sentimental stuff somewhere that will help. Being blind has not got that much to do with it - the familiar feel, smells, heft of an item could be just the thing that would make her feel like she has something of her old life to cherish. Anything of Dad's could be very special too, even if it makes her cry at first.

Good point from vstefans. As I was reading this stuff, I remembered my grandfather (mother's dad) who was in looking back, most definitely a hoarder, accusing my mother and father of getting rid of all of his 'valuable' stuff. In truth, he willy nilly gave things to friends and neighbors before he was incapacitated enough that he had to be moved out of his home and the 'junk' left was what he was - excuse the term - bitching and accusing about!
Now my own mother, close to 80 and a chip off the old block, lives in a 5000 sf house that none of my siblings are willing to blast them out of. My dad, 83, is a complete denier and he compulsively organizes her non ending purchases, partly out of being (true) German and partly out of, I think, embarrassment. With all the square footage of such a big house and his full time organizing, they do not have the outward appearance of hoarders. But as my mother has complained about not being able to get my dad to move out of such a big house, she has constantly gone the other direction of progress in buying junk non stop. She has always done this (used to take me shopping as a kid and would buy me something and make me promise not to tell my father!!!). A few years ago, when my sister who lives down the street from them was having a garage/moving sale (she and her husband are hoarders too) my mother came down and BOUGHT BACK some of the stuff she gave my sister that my dad had convinced her to get rid of!
Long story short, history can tend to repeat itself. My mother was constantly beat up by my grandfather for getting rid of his great stuff and I guarantee, she will do the same thing not far down the road! I guess you just have to develop a tough skin and not fall into the same trap in the future. Do what you know is best. It can be like dealing with teenagers.

Why on earth would you get rid of her stuff?

Another idea that might help. If your mother is blind, this task may be even easier. My FIL wanted his old reading glasses that he believed were still at his house. We had emptied the house, and found tons of old reading glasses that were wrecked. We had brought him the newest looking ones, but those were not the ones he wanted. So we asked him to describe the glasses to us. We purchased new ones that fit the description and he was thrilled. He thought those were his old glasses. I wonder if you could buy a new hair brush and vase that she may think are the ones she lost. Tell her you searched and found them. That may make her happy.

I am confused. Why would somebody be nasty and negative when someone needs help? I ASSUME it's because that person just is. Sad that they bring criticism to a place where WE just NEED Support! Don't we all have too much of this in our lives? Sigh.

Creative fibbing might work if she has dementia. If that be the case, you might try asking your mom to describe the favorite things in detail, explaining that you just found out many of the items were purchased or given to a neighbor, or kept by siblings, friends, etc... and you could ask around to see if they still have them. Then try to "find" the items by replacing them with something similar. It's a thought. If she then keeps asking after other things then, you'll know it's simply wishing for the past and not particular items.

I have been going thru this for 3 years. When I went to pick up Mom I went thru her house and collected things that I knew she cherished. They are scattered all over my home where she can enjoy them. But she moans the fact we sold her house and all her "stuff" so we could get her money. It is all in the bank in her name(and mine). So, anyone facing this situation, save some of the things your loved one cherishes--no matter how silly it seems to you. I have boxes of greeting cards that Mom has gotten from her family over the years. When she is gone I can toss them. For now it gives her pleasure to see them and they don't take up a lot of room. What seems to be junk to you may be a treasure to your loved one and help smooth the way for them to change their way of living. I try to put myself in their place. What if I had to go live with one of my kids? How would I feel having to give up nearly everything I own to fit in. I know any one of them would take me in but it would be a big adjustment for both of us. I had the advantage of an attatched apartment on my house for Mom.

I agree that she is mourning other losses. Ignore the blame and give her sympathy.

this is so unfortunate happened with your mom, feeling so sad for her. you must help her first of all she is blind consult a home health care giver so that they can help your mom in doing day to day works.
second thing is get your mom to a activity like something she adores. divert her min make her feel happy.
keep in mind you are the only person who can help her no body else could.

Your mom has suffered much loss not only with items but her abilites so I believe this may be part of the desperation to want and hold on to things of the past. I'm wondering if she knows Jesus as her Lord and Savior? I would encourage her to hold onto Him and the promises of the Word for her healing, and her future. There are good bible promise books with subject headings with appropriate scriptures that can be found online or any Christian bookstore. One of my favorites from Joyce Meyer is "The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word." You could read and record it so she can listen and expect good things to happen as there is nothing to difficult for God and is in the healing business still. There are good teaching tapes also available from many good ministers. TBN (trinity broadcasting network) is a good connection for ministers for their tapes. Rod Parsley has a daily devotional book I love also called, "Grace, Healing and Hope." I read out of both of these books along with a couple of others daily to my lady I care for. Having her repeat them does wonders for her along with prayer especially on the harder days. Apostle Paul states in Phil 3:13-14 of his goal in "leaving or forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to the mark for the prize of the high or upward calling of God in Christ Jesus." No earthly thing compares to Him. Too many times we put our worth in what we do instead of who we are In Christ. I wrote a poem a few years back I'd like to share a few lines with you.. It's entitled, "Who Am I?" ""As each day is a gift of new mercies that are given from the One above. I think of what that really means to this woman who is drawn so near through His great gift of love. "I AM who I AM" says the God who created me. "Your are part of Me as I AM in you, so be confident and know your worth is in that you belong to Me and not in what you do." " Your mom needs to also know she has purpose today and now even with her disabilites and she does and can make a difference in this world. I pray her peace and assurance of belonging to God give her much hope and encouragement during this trying time along with yourself! Blessings.

Dear terrim, Are you new here?Reread teebee's post. teebee described my situation exactly, [although my mom is gone.} My mother's obsession was a fuschia jacket. She worried me to death about that [insert very bad word here] fuschia jacket. I tore apart closet after closet, even our storage shed, and never found it. In desperation, I told her that my sister in Ohio took it. I then emailed my sister and told her to pretend that she had it and wore it a lot. My mom was happy that my sister was wearing it. So everyone was happy. I had NO problem with lying through my teeth.

BTW tinacategory 9, Jesus Christ did not help me find that [very bad word here] fuschia jacket, and I had no problem lying to her face. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Pray to god, but row for shore"?

Since I am the only one on this site who is closer in age ( I think ) to the " Mom's" whose possessions are at issue, I strongly urge all of you to consider the fact that these "things" are not yours to give away. I would be heartbroken and probably angry if any one of my children gave away or disposed of anything I considered mine. Keep the stuff somewhere if it bothers you. There will be plenty of time to "dispose" of things after the passing. Just wait and see.