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My sister, the records clerk at a neighboring hospital antagonized and encouraged my mom insisting we were trying to "put her in the nut house” as a revenge for taking care of dementia Mom for the last three years 24/7 and according to sister’s Facebook rant, “...making her look bad...”


Personally, the 24/7 hot/cold yes/no mental state of mom has ruined my business, my financial status...(24/7 x 3 years) I took care of mom.


Mom began going through the trash and scraping mold off of yesterday’s food. She started peeing the bed and conjuring up wild stories of Sex Trafficking, FBI and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Stage 4? 5?


I'm totally exhausted. How long does it take to recover from this 24/7 care x 3 years? I’m on day three since mom was absconded with and I’m still just as tired. Thanks.

Steve, if I were you I think I would need to lie down in a darkened aromatherapy room for six months at least.

It's pretty clear that your sister has not the faintest idea what she's just let herself in for, or of what your mother's needs are.

I'm afraid the sh*t will really hit the fan when sister blames you for your mother's condition. After all, sister can't admit that she rushed in where angels fear to tread, can she. There are going to be all kinds of accusations coming your way. When you've had a good sleep and a good breakfast, I should start putting your mother's records together to have them all to hand, ready.
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Steve, I agree with the others, let your sister try to take care of her. I've been there, done that and now starting over with spouse. And I'm the one on anxiety meds!! I just want to pack up, climb in the car and drive until I can't any longer. Get the rest you need. See your doctor.
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I would be thanking God that sis took mom. Let her know what it is like to be a caregiver.

It will probably take about a year, give or take. Your body has been in "Fight or Flight" for a long time, that means you brain and body will need time to re-adjust. As others have stated "take your time". Find a therapist to help you find your new normal & help you get out any negative emotions that you might still be with you.

Don't let mom back. She is your sis problem now. Just let it be!

Enjoy your life!
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StevePlace Nov 8, 2018
Thank you. I’m 75% finished with a prototype device to help dementia and other people with diminished capacity. It’s not finished, yet, but I’m working as fast as I can on it. I’ll have it for mom as soon as I just rest a little bit. I just need a little rest and I can do it. It’ll keep them alive in a host of desperate situations. I just need to rest a little.
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Steve, with a mom like this, I would not be sorry to see her go.  Sounds like she and sister are two of a kind.  Since she has not been declared incompetent, she has the right to live where she wants.  For that, be very, very thankful. You tried courageously, but you cannot change people like MOM and SIS.  So, take care of you. Just give yourself time, lots of time.  Listen to the blessed peace! And for heaven's sake, mom does not come back. She is now sis' problem. It will get better every day. Have faith.
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It will take a while, you didn't get here in 3 days🤗.

Gosh, I think I would send sister everything that is mom's, change my phone number and thank God that this is over.

Don't play into any accusation or threats, let them do what they feel they need to do, you can prove that you did right by your mom so don't worry about the what ifs.

It is easy for a non- caregiver to be judgmental and right, not so much when you are the one cleaning a wet bed, not able to get help because mom is a paranoid racist, getting sick because you ate something that had mold scraped off and the fridge left open so frequently that everything is potentially dangerous.

Go take a nice vacation, get that space remodeled into a not guestroom space and enjoy the rest of your life.
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StevePlace Nov 8, 2018
I will. Thank you. We moved here to get away from sis and her belligerent 3rd husband. I just wanted to do things with mom. We started a business which she loved. The web site launched a year ago yesterday. I’ve designed, patented and then redesigned a military/police product into a device to help people like mom. The police version is 99% done and I’ve sourced the components to make it beneficial for mom. It’ll save her life for a while at least. I just need some help. The police product will afford a LOT of care for her. I held up my end...they need to pay their bill as agreed. I gotta rest.
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I had to smile. It takes years. Day 3 indeed.
And my people didn’t have Alzheimer’s.

You may get rested but it takes little to put you mentally back into the trenches.

Look for a therapist that can relate.
Breathe deeply. Exercise. Eat healthy. Have your home deep cleaned and make the space that was available for your mom into something else that doesn’t lend itself well for a guest room.
Oh I don’t know, maybe a motorcycle repair shop. Just sort of teasing.

Don’t put your sister down. Speak kindly of her as she needs all the help she can get.
Your sister won’t be the first to think she knows better, could do better and she and mom may enjoy some time together. I hope they do.

But do research alternate places for mom to live for when the time comes. Maybe contact the Area Agency on Aging and ask about services available if you haven’t already done that. After you’ve been away from it all for awhile you’ll have a better perspective and maybe see that sisters rescue of mom was actually a rescue for you.

Three years is a long time to be on the front lines.
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JoAnn29 Nov 7, 2018
97, ur being very nice. Me? Sister has made her bed, now sleep in it. She had no idea what her brother was going thru and probably didn't care. Seems she wants to be in control well now she has it. If Mom needs to be placed she can make out all the forms, apply for Medicaid, etc. Trying to spend down Moms money was very stressful because I had a timeline to meet. Steve had Mom for 3 yrs, let sister experience the fun of dealing with a person you can't reason with.
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Yes, but took her *where*?
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StevePlace Nov 7, 2018
Other State, sister’s house.
Sister assaulted mom when she was 83 and that’s when we decided to move mom with us in 2015. Sister filed criminal complaint on mom for assault.
Had mom checked including her mental capacity at that time. She was fine & deemed competent. She could drive, cook, tend garden. I was Facebook accused of forcing mom into kitchen slave...whatever!)
Feb-March 2018. Mom had heart attack and ocular stroke taking vision in one eye and reducing vision in other. She never really was herself afterwards. Sister snuck into hospital, got nurses confidence and Facebook accused me of attempting to murder mom.
May 2018 Tested for Dementia. 19/35 (54%). Bad Math, location of a few States and didn’t draw the best clock. 2/5 on the Apple, Pen, Tie, House, Car test. Handwriting was still legible.
She refused to clean her room or allow it. Embarrassed and don’t want us seeing her stuff?? Hired female house cleaner just for mom. Mom was livid! Mom accused “that damn Mexican” of trying to steal everything. But I smoothed it over. The cleaning company’s owner is in my business group. 3 weeks later a “non-Mexican” arrived. Mom refused to let her in the front door. Got aggressive and point-blank states, “I ain’t letting someone like her in here! She’ll steal everything we got!” The girl left.
I dropped out of that business group because of embarrassment.
Then.....
about 3 weeks ago she asked me to help her change her sheets. “That damn dog” had urinated on her bed, she eventually admitted, when I saw the huge stain. (The dog is a little dog but stays out of mom’s room out of fear. It was a LOT of urine, too). Except there was no “damn dog” in her room.
Her focus became obsessive, “You’re using the wrong (fill in the blank______) pan, spoon, spatula, etc.
She refused to bathe, comb her hair, tried to fix some pasta (with help from my 26 year old step-son) and she swapped Chili-pepper powder for the Basil! Holy smokes! She essentially just watched.
Her handwriting went to illegible scribbling. I finally had her dial my phone (it’s on a card by her phone) and state her grocery list and it’d speech-to-text. I would get exactly what she asked for only to be met with, “Well good god! What the hell have you bought. I didnt ask for this shit! Can you not read?!? Are you THAT stupid!”
We started catching her getting food out of the trash, scraping the mold off and placing it in the fridge. Sometimes, she’s just walk off and leave the fridge “beeping” from exceeding the temperature with the door open.
Thats the good stuff... it got bad after that. We had two of three dogs die within a month from poison symptoms. Now our new little dog on day two developed same symptoms. Rear legs paralysis. Rat Poison. Mom stated she “Hates them God D&@! dogs.” because she couldn’t sneak into our bedroom at night or stand at our door “shadowing??” nor could she sneak out the door with out them alerting. All our k-9s are housebroken and highly trained. They don’t pee in beds, either.

When I DID call for help, I filled out an online application and invited the first two to meet mom. One lady stated mom was way out of her ability and referred to the second girl, Amy. We discussed mom’s condition out in my garage for about 30 minutes before going inside.

Mom, according to Caller-I.D., had spoke to my SISTER (a records clerk in another town’s horribly rated hospital) and was told I/we including mom’s Dr, were conspiring to “put mom in the nut house” instead of obtain MUCH needed medical help.
Amy stated I might need to call an ambulance before the weekend, and mom was “very diminished” and needed help. We agreed mom should see her already-scheduled Dr appointment Wednesday. Sister took mom to Oklahoma Sunday night. Refused contact attempts until today a.m. States mom is going to different Dr...at hospital where sister works. Neither want “one of them damn Mexicans or Ni&&ers” attending mom.
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His profile says sister took her.

Three days are not much. I had Mom for 20 months. Yes, she had her times but basically she was easy. Brothers allowed me to make decisions so no problem for me. But, I had her 24/7. My DH helped where he could but just some things he couldn't do for me.

The first thing I did once Mom was placed in an AL was sleep in, stay in my PJs most of the day and read a book.

I have read ur previous responses and you have been under a lot of stress. It may take a while to get used to not having that responsibility. If you can get away to somewhere relaxing. Even if only a weekend. Do the things you haven't been able to. No quilt, except that you are not a caregiver and no one should have to take the abuse you did. Hopefully you can get your business on track. Pretty sure you will not be taking Mom back but just in case....DON'T.

Well, I guess sister will find out you went thru unless Mom is better with her. Even if she is, the daily grind of caring for someone 24/7 will get to her. Hopefully, she won't be coming to you for help. Hope you can say NO if it happens. Tell her Mom is now her responsibility and she can put her in LTC if she can't care for her. You wash your hands of it all.

Time to take care of yourself.
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StevePlace Nov 8, 2018
Ive nearly slept for three days. I’m wore out.
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Day three at the end of year 3 isn't so much recovery time, is it. I should give yourself the rest of the week at least :)

If your sister accessed records through work...

Let's not start that subject.

Where is your mother now? Who is primarily responsible for her welfare?
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StevePlace Nov 7, 2018
I had Medical POA. Mom was here 3 years due to sister’s abuse. (I had video and audio of the cursing and screaming at mom from sister.). The assault was by sister who filed a police report AGAINST mom in October 2015. Our PD and attorney state legally mom is her own person,,, no POA or Legal Guardianship.
Mom is in Watts, Oklahoma. Google it. I’m in Springdale/Bentonville Arkansas.
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