My mom (81) is terrified of being debilitated, getting dementia, needing an ALF. She lives independently with me next door. She has a really good life in terms of financial comfort, friends, family.
But her youngest sister recently died of an aneurysm at 67. This hit her hard, of course. They were very close. My father's been gone for 35 years. She misses her parents terribly (she was in her late 60s when they died).
She keeps asking me about ways to peacefully kill herself. She's afraid she'll have a stroke or dementia and be unable to make the choices she would've made in her "right mind." She's even asked me to smother her if "I get that way," which I obviously refused. She's terrified of being in pain. The thing is, she's not depressed. She reads a lot, still maintains a part-time job from home, drives, goes to the movies, etc.
But I get it. She's had a long life, and she wants to be remembered as she is now, not as the mother/sister/grandmother who doesn't recognize anyone anymore.
Is anyone else in this position? Being on this forum, having a job that puts me in close contact with a lot of elderly people who are bedridden and not themselves anymore…it's hard not to say, "Yeah, I wholeheartedly support this plan."
And I personally feel like it shouldn't be such a stigma when people of sound mind make an informed choice about their own bodies and lives, because people should not have to suffer needlessly when the medical community cannot relieve their suffering or promise them quality of life.
So here is my question - and I am trying to phrase this in the most sensitive way I possibly can because I do not mean this in any way offensively or provocatively. It is my understanding that a lot of life insurance companies will not pay beneficiaries if their loved one commits suicide. And the ones that do generally have a clause specifically for that and require the policy to have a certain amount of age on it. For anyone who considers this option for the future, is there a different or better way to financially ensure that those that are left behind can take care of all of the things that family has to take care of after a loved one passes away? Are there life insurance policies that are better for individuals that have this as a serious consideration for end of life planning? Should they put their money away somewhere else instead?
Again, absolutely no disrespect intended.
Ur Mom is depressed and after losing her sister suddenly you can see why. I think, better she talks about it then she keeps it inside.
The other day a woman I have known since we were kids, died at the age of 71. My husband and I have lost classmates who are in their 70s. My daughter has worked in NHs and says for 73 and 76 her Dad and I are doing pretty well. Neither of us on any medication at this point. But, never know what tomorrow will bring. And now I am 73 my days are actually numbered. My Mom passed at 89. Thats only 16 more years. The last 16 have gone by in the blink of an eye. I can do nothing about the inevitable. I am not going to dwell on it. I just hope, like my Dad, I go to sleep and not wake up.
But here is the thing. I don't think it is proper nor good to put your CHILDREN or your husbands in this position of being the one to discuss this with, because as you say, it's difficult for you to say, oh great.
My thing with this is to try to make your Mom feel as safe as she can feel by discussing contingencies. Things she and you together CAN plan and control. POA for instance, will, organizing and downsizing in preparation for the inevitable. Discussing assets and where she may go if needs be. That you will be there to visit and support. That we don't have a choice in these matters and that fears are rational and normal. And I think counseling with a licensed social worker in private counseling practice would be a good thing as they are great at life transitions work. If your Mom understands that
1. She can talk honestly to you and you understand (say to her EXACTLY what you said to us, just exactly THAT.
2. Has plans for things
3. Has NORMAL fears and feelings of uncertainty
this will help. But the truth is, taking our deepest plans on this level to our children is NOT fair to them.
Europe avails us, after long interview process, to do our own final exit at a cost of approximately 20,000 with airfare and hotels for the week you must stay before a final exit. There are several places that do this, and people can travel from the USA. The process is complicated. Read Amy Blooms book In Love, about her husband's availing himself of this. She traveled there with him. And in best and most honest relationships, yes, you could do this with her Mom if she truly wishes to "go". She may be comforted to know of its existence.
So this is a very complicated discussion. I am a nurse and am 80 and my daughter 61. There is literally nothing, INCLUDING THIS that we cannot/do not discuss to gether.
So talk with Mom. She may be merely expressing the anxiety and fear she has, wanting some assurance that life happens a day at a time, a step at a time, and you will be there for her in these steps and that you understand her fears and are always there to talk to her about them. That's about the best that can be done. And more than that reassure her that SHE IS NOT ALONE. At 80 now I can promise her that.
I knew suicide might be what I dealt with with my mom. Fortunately, she was blessed with a sudden health crisis and died within 6 weeks. It wasn't easy but, I know it was better then a call that she killed herself.
Actually, my dad died the same way. Heart attack, hospitalization, surgery, failure to get better and died within 6 weeks.
I hadn't even thought about that until now. They were both able to decide what their paths would be and that is a blessing.
Best of luck with this.
So tragically true.