coco - Your dad was right. Using and abusing seems to be the pattern in your family. Please do NOT feel selfish. You are not being selfish, but you are caring for yourself. There is a world of difference. I understand about upkeep. I worked well past retirement age to be able to afford to renovate my house which is over 30 yrs old, and it is expensive. You did have a bad experience with your niece. Don't repeat it.
I am so sorry about the cancer. You must look after yourself. Your mother's response to your second bout of radiation is s heartless and callous. There is a book called "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate, which talks about cancer and family relationships amongst other things, basically if you do not say "No" to dysfunctional interactions, your body will. Your life may depend on the choices you make now.
I understand the feelings when a sib is given noticeably more than you are. I have come to accept that is the way it is, and it is dysfunctional - unhealthy, but I do not have to get sucked into it. My sis was given more and then she started expecting me to do things for her. I stopped that in its tracks - no way! Yes, they will play the guilt trips etc., but recognise them for what they are and let them go. Learn to say "No". You don't have to explain or justify yourself. decide what is good for you. You owe your mother no dollars!
Do not convert your bedroom or any other room, You cannot afford the stress of having your mother with you, never mind your bro and clan. Truly, coco, I don't think there is a "nice" way of telling her, if you mean a way to tell her when she will not get angry or pout or whatever. Anger is an other tool manipulators use. Recognise it as such. So she gets angry or upset. Let it roll off your back. We are so trained to swallow garbage from our dysfunctional families, but never to speak up. Well, it is time to speak up. I don't mean be rude, but be assertive. Simply tell her firmly that no one is moving into your house! I stress you do not have to explain or justify your decisions. If you like tell her it is too hard on your health - which is true. I would not rent a place or do anything for your bro. He has freeloaded too much anyway. As far as your mum is concerned, I would help her find a place that she can afford, e.g. subsidized seniors apartment, and I would not promise to have her in your house every day. It is not good for your. You are not responsible for her happiness. By all means, help her find a place that she can afford on her own. Help her find a seniors programs that can fill some of her time, and needs. Do not do it all yourself. She may not go along with this but you will know you have done what you can. If she chooses to not participate, it is not your fault or responsibility. I spent two weeks and over $2000 this summer trying to help my mum. I looked after all the things she was complaining about. guess what - she has another list of complaints and no thanks for what I did. She has been diagnosed with paranoia and given meds to help her. While she took them she was better, Now she has decided not to take them anymore and it getting agitated etc. again. Shortly I will be telling her that if she chooses to not take her meds, I choose to not go down to her city and help her. If you were run over by a bus tomorrow your mum and bro would cope somehow. Look after my own health needs and build for your future. You will not work forever.
Now let us know that you are telling your mum that she is not moving into your house, but you will help her find a nice place of her own. If she gets mad, hang up the phone, or junk the emails. Next post I am going to cope and paste info on detaching, which I have posted on this site before. It is what you need to do to cope with your family.
love, prayers and encouragement to you to do the right thing for you
Paolo Coehlo - "When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself."
Just read your latest post. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Your mum is trying to "guilt" you into doing what she wants. It is her game. Just don't play into it. My mum comes out with that stuff. If it gets too bad I have told her I am cutting contact. Here is the info on detaching.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Detaching Accept that they are responsible for their own choices Anger –deal with it in a healthy way Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame Consequences – face them and see that others experience them Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion, Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable Focus on yourself Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received, Refuse to be manipulated e.g. emotional blackmail, guilt, shame Respond, don’t react Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings Set boundaries Say “No” Space –create it between you and them Try not to take the behaviours personally Treat others and yourself with love and dignity You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
Setting boundaries means pointing out an unacceptable behaviour, and stating the consequences of continuing that behaviour, then following through with the consequences.
Don't be afraid of your mum's anger or disapproval. You are a fine person who has done very well for herself. She should be proud of you. I am. You have helped a lot and gotten kicked in the teeth for it. Time to put you first.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))) You are doing well! Stay firm and keep it up.
Why are you allowing yourself to be in contact with these people? Do you not realize they are seeing you as their personal doormat to their future lifestyle? Me, I would completely cut myself off from them until I know they will not consider me as something to use. Respect yourself and keep these freeloaders away from destroying you!
Would you bring rattlesnakes, black widow spiders, and other poisonous animals into your home and turn them loose and even feed them? Then be surprised when they bit you and killed you? That is EXACTLY what you would be doing if you allowed your mother and brother into your home!!!!! I know it's easier said than done -- but muster all that bravery and good sense that got you out of that quagmire at first and DO NOT let them in!!!!!! If it's too hard hearing from your mom, then do NOT answer the phone. If necessary, get a restraining order on all of them. It that doesn't work -- then LEAVE, go away for a little while -- let law know that NO ONE is to be in your house while you are gone -- hire a private security firm to look out for your house while you are gone. Get away and don't let your mom or brother know WHERE you are or any way to reach you. Tell your daughter you are going, but do not give her any way to reach you either {or only through law} so she can't be leaned on by your mom, etc. After a while away -- esp. if in therapy while you are away and also see a lawyer to protect your rights in all of this -- you should be strong enough to withstand all their guilt attempts on your life. You must protect your self and your daughter from those who would steal your life and your home!!!!! And make no mistake -- your mother would KILL you to feed her son and feel perfectly justified in doing so!!!!! DO NOT let her!!!!!!! If you don't let her in it will be much easier to keep your brother out! This is a matter of life and death!!!!!
NO. You do NOT need to help another adult live beyond their means. You will not be helping him and you could be destroying yoruself. Make 100% sure your good name does not end up connected to ANY of their debt. Mom could not say NO to your brother when NO needed to be said. They need to strongly consider a personal bankruptcy. Refer them to credit counseling agencies and appropriate legal aid (reputable ones, not the fly-by-night "credit repair" places..be careful, one of the ones that used to be good got taken over by a for-profit company.)
My mother just told me she was filing chapter in bankruptcy for all the debt she has taken on. So how will I expect them to move some place without any credit? OMG she will be able to keep her house and small mortgage thanks to my brother who will take up one-half of her ss check. Maybe they should just stay there, and she can live without my brother and deal with the issues, but the thing is she doesn't want him there with all the pets. However, at least she would do better with the bankruptcy of having more money. Don't know if it were enough for her to live on he could help her with expenses with his pt job. Right I feel they want to come to be closer to his kids and want me to provide everything. My brother wants his own place he says, but he won't be able to afford anything on 400 a week. The security deposit dog deposits will be off the charts. They are not even thinking, or rather they don't care... So if my mom does passes she already told me anything she had left she was giving to my poor brother cause, he is the one that helps here and her granddaughter his daughter. So why am I even in this game. My inherence with her I always knew would be nothing anything of my fathers I want she always says your brother or niece wants that so I will just keep the pictures I have and continue to place fresh flowers once a month and keep the plants at his grave stone. As I do now. I will continue to honor my wonderful memory of my father and all the time we spent. I miss him but will never have that loving relationship with my mother. She has always wiped my brother's backside to even today. Your right I am sick of it and there is no rhyme or reason it is just how she is and sure as heck won't change even if she is here with me.
coco - you are 100% right - they will not change no matter what you do or where they are. How you mother and brother manage their lives is not your problem. Let them figure it out without your help then. Don't worry about them. They will manage somehow. I know with my mother, she asks for help, and I can research things and offer help and she will go off and do what she wants anyway, and get mad because I am "interfering" in her life by suggesting anything. So now I do very little. I have tried it often enough my conscience is clear. Your bro can't afford to live but he has 4 pets???? It costs to feed and care for pets. His problem, not yours. Yes, they want you to provide everything - not your job, not your responsibility.
I am glad you realise you will never have that loving relationship with your mother. It is better to accept the reality, and, as you are doing, cherish the loving memories you have of your father. I am in the same boat.
You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. You can completely opt out of the dysfunctional family and take care of yourself and your daughter. This will most definitely be the BEST for you and could even be the best for them!
Although I can see how you will feel the obligation to help your mother, your brother, pets, etc., are NOT your responsibility. If they are coming to live with you, YOU are the one who needs to set the rules. It's YOUR house, YOUR money, etc. if they don't like it, tell them to go somewhere else! Your other choice is to find you mother help through your local department of elderly affairs. Your brother needs to get a life!
Everything I would have said has already been said. Do not encourage them to even come to your State. and get that restraining order if necessary. If they show up on the doorstep pay for a motel for the night and buy them tickets to get back from whence they came. Do not let them get so much as a paw over your door step. I heard all the guilt stuff as a kid "You"ll be sorry when I'm dead" Well I was not, just very thankful I did not become responsible for Mum's care. As suggested above Cocco can you get away for a while? you said you worked from home could you do that from another location? Maybe a friends house or even a motel for a few weeks. Tell Mom you are going but not where and that you will not be communicating. Take all the precautions with police etc. Your mother and brother are very sick. Turn off your phone erase their emails without reading them. Call or email them as you leave the house that you will be away for a while and just leave. Think of it this way. they would find a way to cope if you were in the hospital after a serious accident and could not communicate. It's going to be hard but you have coped with difficult situations in the past. You owe them nothing. make a list of all the things you are not going to allow them to do and keep reading it. If a truly desperate need arises you can help them find help but you are not going to give that help. The whole family is a bunch of leaches.
Just say NO. Say it again NO and if they barge through the door, have the sheriff remove an "unwelcome guest". You have done your part, enough is enough.
I think you need to cut off contact with these grifters. If you even have them over for dinner, or pay for one night at a motel and a ticket home or ANYTHING I think it will be a slippery slope that will quickly end up with you penniless and then dead. I think your safest bet is to get a restraining order if they come to your town. They sound like master manipulators that could trick a person easily if given a chance. Love and healing and strength and luck to you dear Coco, you are wonderful and deserve only good things in your life.
If you agree to this, you may well be signing your own death warrant. You will definitely be signing over every cent you have ever had. You don't have to move. JUST SAY NO! Tell them you can't do it and stick to your guns. Tell them to look into social services that may be available, but do not, under any circumstances, take then in.
Coco: You need to get on the phone and tell them emphatically "NO, you are not coming to my house!" I had a lot more that I wanted to add to that, but I was afraid my post would be removed from the site!!!!!
Coco, your family sounds like nothing but freeloaders. They have successfully bankrupted Mom and themselves so they are like termites moving on to the next meal to devour and destroy! God as my witness Coco I would get on that phone and get Mom on it an tell her that if they show up at your house, you will have Sheriff's standing by to have them removed! I would not give a ____ what Mom has to say about bringing in your 59 year old brother and his brood, IT WOULD BE LOUD AND CLEAR THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME!
I have seen and heard about this far too many times in past years and this is where I would DRAW THE LINE! You already work you rear off every single day just to live, do you really want them to move in and eat your food, run up bills and wind up costing you your home, and your sanity?
If your Mom and bother are so poor then they can apply for and obtain welfare or some type of assistance right where they are since they already have residence there. If they come to your state then they probably cannot get anything for a period of time until they establish residency.
Stand your ground Coco and get rough if you have to and you are going to have to mean it. Call the Sheriff or police and ask what can be done to get them out if they pile in, but honestly I would not let it get that far, I WOULD MAKE IT LOUD AND CLEAR THAT BROKE MAMA AND BROTHER CAN SEEK ANOTHER PLACE BECAUSE YOUR HOME IS NOT THEIR WELFARE STATE!
I apologize if my bluntness on this matter is hurtful to you but I do not want to see this happen to you! It just kills me how some people feel that you just have to open your home to everyone so they can basically pull you down to their level. DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT!
Do not let your mom guilt you into this situation. Let her know she is welcome and she has to make a choice for only one of her pets. Tell her that your brother has to stand on his own. It sounds like your mom has been the enabler for your brother or your brother has taken advantage of her. Let your mom make this choice or let her know she needs to seek other arrangements for her and your brother.
Tell Mom sorry, you can come but not the brother. Keep the pets with brother. You need to develop a backbone fast. Your brother and his kids will do to you what they did to your mother, bleed you dry. Your responsibility is to your mother only. If she doesn't like it, tough. your house your rules, I'm sure she taught you that.
You don't OWE your mother or brother anything. The way I see it, your family feels entitled (it sounds like it with your mother's ungrateful attitude) and will probably outlive you should you allow them and their pets to move in with you. You cannot save the world, nor can you save people who were not responsible with their life who expect YOU to pick of the pieces of the mess they've made. Your family needs to find alternate living arrangements. Why is it always the responsible ones who have to lose out in the end for the irresponsible behavior of those around them. DON'T DO IT!!!
I do hope and pray all these bits of advice that are telling you NOT to let them move in and take over your life (which they will SURELY do if you allow one foot in) will be enough to strengthen your resolve so they don't ruin your life -- AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE!!!!!!
I am so sorry about the cancer. You must look after yourself. Your mother's response to your second bout of radiation is s heartless and callous. There is a book called "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate, which talks about cancer and family relationships amongst other things, basically if you do not say "No" to dysfunctional interactions, your body will. Your life may depend on the choices you make now.
I understand the feelings when a sib is given noticeably more than you are. I have come to accept that is the way it is, and it is dysfunctional - unhealthy, but I do not have to get sucked into it. My sis was given more and then she started expecting me to do things for her. I stopped that in its tracks - no way! Yes, they will play the guilt trips etc., but recognise them for what they are and let them go. Learn to say "No". You don't have to explain or justify yourself. decide what is good for you. You owe your mother no dollars!
Do not convert your bedroom or any other room, You cannot afford the stress of having your mother with you, never mind your bro and clan. Truly, coco, I don't think there is a "nice" way of telling her, if you mean a way to tell her when she will not get angry or pout or whatever. Anger is an other tool manipulators use. Recognise it as such. So she gets angry or upset. Let it roll off your back. We are so trained to swallow garbage from our dysfunctional families, but never to speak up. Well, it is time to speak up. I don't mean be rude, but be assertive. Simply tell her firmly that no one is moving into your house! I stress you do not have to explain or justify your decisions. If you like tell her it is too hard on your health - which is true. I would not rent a place or do anything for your bro. He has freeloaded too much anyway. As far as your mum is concerned, I would help her find a place that she can afford, e.g. subsidized seniors apartment, and I would not promise to have her in your house every day. It is not good for your. You are not responsible for her happiness. By all means, help her find a place that she can afford on her own. Help her find a seniors programs that can fill some of her time, and needs. Do not do it all yourself. She may not go along with this but you will know you have done what you can. If she chooses to not participate, it is not your fault or responsibility. I spent two weeks and over $2000 this summer trying to help my mum. I looked after all the things she was complaining about. guess what - she has another list of complaints and no thanks for what I did. She has been diagnosed with paranoia and given meds to help her. While she took them she was better, Now she has decided not to take them anymore and it getting agitated etc. again. Shortly I will be telling her that if she chooses to not take her meds, I choose to not go down to her city and help her. If you were run over by a bus tomorrow your mum and bro would cope somehow. Look after my own health needs and build for your future. You will not work forever.
Now let us know that you are telling your mum that she is not moving into your house, but you will help her find a nice place of her own. If she gets mad, hang up the phone, or junk the emails. Next post I am going to cope and paste info on detaching, which I have posted on this site before. It is what you need to do to cope with your family.
love, prayers and encouragement to you to do the right thing for you
Paolo Coehlo - "When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Detaching
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g. emotional blackmail, guilt, shame
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Setting boundaries means pointing out an unacceptable behaviour, and stating the consequences of continuing that behaviour, then following through with the consequences.
Don't be afraid of your mum's anger or disapproval. You are a fine person who has done very well for herself. She should be proud of you. I am. You have helped a lot and gotten kicked in the teeth for it. Time to put you first.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))) You are doing well! Stay firm and keep it up.
God bless you all
I am glad you realise you will never have that loving relationship with your mother. It is better to accept the reality, and, as you are doing, cherish the loving memories you have of your father. I am in the same boat.
((((((hugs))))
Do not encourage them to even come to your State. and get that restraining order if necessary. If they show up on the doorstep pay for a motel for the night and buy them tickets to get back from whence they came. Do not let them get so much as a paw over your door step. I heard all the guilt stuff as a kid "You"ll be sorry when I'm dead" Well I was not, just very thankful I did not become responsible for Mum's care.
As suggested above Cocco can you get away for a while? you said you worked from home could you do that from another location? Maybe a friends house or even a motel for a few weeks. Tell Mom you are going but not where and that you will not be communicating. Take all the precautions with police etc. Your mother and brother are very sick. Turn off your phone erase their emails without reading them. Call or email them as you leave the house that you will be away for a while and just leave. Think of it this way. they would find a way to cope if you were in the hospital after a serious accident and could not communicate.
It's going to be hard but you have coped with difficult situations in the past. You owe them nothing. make a list of all the things you are not going to allow them to do and keep reading it. If a truly desperate need arises you can help them find help but you are not going to give that help.
The whole family is a bunch of leaches.
Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing and expecting different results!
Love and healing and strength and luck to you dear Coco, you are wonderful and deserve only good things in your life.
Coco, your family sounds like nothing but freeloaders. They have successfully bankrupted Mom and themselves so they are like termites moving on to the next meal to devour and destroy! God as my witness Coco I would get on that phone and get Mom on it an tell her that if they show up at your house, you will have Sheriff's standing by to have them removed! I would not give a ____ what Mom has to say about bringing in your 59 year old brother and his brood, IT WOULD BE LOUD AND CLEAR THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME!
I have seen and heard about this far too many times in past years and this is where I would DRAW THE LINE! You already work you rear off every single day just to live, do you really want them to move in and eat your food, run up bills and wind up costing you your home, and your sanity?
If your Mom and bother are so poor then they can apply for and obtain welfare or some type of assistance right where they are since they already have residence there. If they come to your state then they probably cannot get anything for a period of time until they establish residency.
Stand your ground Coco and get rough if you have to and you are going to have to mean it. Call the Sheriff or police and ask what can be done to get them out if they pile in, but honestly I would not let it get that far, I WOULD MAKE IT LOUD AND CLEAR THAT BROKE MAMA AND BROTHER CAN SEEK ANOTHER PLACE BECAUSE YOUR HOME IS NOT THEIR WELFARE STATE!
I apologize if my bluntness on this matter is hurtful to you but I do not want to see this happen to you! It just kills me how some people feel that you just have to open your home to everyone so they can basically pull you down to their level. DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT!