Mom is caring for Dad and I want to help but my husband has memory problems. Feeling torn, advice?

Could you check out the option of a residential hospice for your dad? That way mom can support him, but his day-to-day care would be handled by hospice professionals. Two friends of mine (partners) used residential hospice with the one partner who had kidney cancer. Having him away allowed his partner to go home and get a good night's sleep, knowing that his partner was cared for by professionals. He could leave the 24/7 worry when he left the facility. It might be worth checking in to.

Your husband could have something that is totally treatable. He's being foolish to "assume" it's the worst case scenario and he can't handle the truth. And he's putting you in a bad place. I'd have a hard time keeping my mouth shut about that one. He needs to get his you-know-what to the doctor. What would he tell you if the roles were reversed and you were living your life on the couch?

This sounds so tough. I think our first obligation should be to our spouses. How old is your husband? The memory problems could be from many different causes, stroke or dementia to name only two. Can he be left alone while you visit Dad?

He is 66 and on his good days or when our son comes over I feel comfortable leaving him to go and help mom. My problem is I have vestibular meniere's disease and driving really makes the vertigo worse, but my husband doesn't want to go anywhere any more. The couch is his safe place and mostly where he stays. So when I can I drive to mom's to try and help. I just needed to get this off my chest. Sometimes it helps me to put things in writing and I can't write in a notebook that my husband might find. He insists there is nothing wrong with him. Luckily for me he doesn't want to learn how to use the computer, just watch TV. Thank you and God Bless you all!

MissingMyLove, OMG that just sucks. How on earth did all your loved ones get together and decide that denial and passivity are the best methods for dealing (OK, not dealing) with life and health? I can imagine you being at your wits' end and having to take over being the loving, responsible adult in charge of things for your mom, face the emotions and practical trials associated with the possible end of your Dad's life, all while watching your husband fail to deal with health issues that could ruin the rest of your years together...he is undoubtedly afraid of finding out what's wrong, but in reality, he might be able to be on medication or to do something to prevent further strokes or at least greatly delay the onset of vascular dementia.

I've been in that same spot, that no matter where I am and no matter what I am working on, I feel guilty that I am not in the other place with the other person or working on something else and it is not a happy way to live.

Now for the big question: with all the time and energy you put into this, can you tend to your own health at all? Would your setting a better example help anyone else to do the same?

vstefans - I believe he doesn't want to go to the dr because he doesn't want to know what is really wrong with him. It is hard but I keep praying and hoping that things will be okay. Thanks you for listening, it helps to have this outlet for my thoughts and concerns.

Hi Missing, I guess you just have to do the right (and very hard thing) of making them go to their doctors....or do you perhaps have one of those rare doctors that will come to your house and your parents house. They need to be seen, you know that, but now you have to put your foot down and make them go. It's easy to just them be, but this a potentially dangerous situation. What if your husband did a stroke before, the next one could be devastating and maybe it would have been prevented with medical intervention....how would that make you feel, and how would it change your life and his? The same goes for your parents. Sometimes the only good choice is hard to make and it may make you the 'bad' guy for awhile, but better that then feeling guilty once something bad does happen. My prayers are with you, blessings Lindaz.

Thanks lindaz & blannie for your concern. Hospice nurses started coming in today to check dad once a week. Mom will not put him in a nursing home or elder care. She says that she was able to care for her mom & dad, one of her brothers and one of her sisters so she should be able to care for her own husband. Oh yeah she also helped when dad's father was living with them until his passing. My mother is an amazing woman but she has just about reached her limit, I think, with dad. She is sounding worn down and depressed to me. But they have been married 65 years, 66 in Jan. if they are still with us. As for my husband I have tried again and again to get him to go to the doctor but he refuses. As our kids say until he agrees to go there isn't much we can do except keep praying. They have tried to get him to go as I have and the more we try the more upset he gets. So we are living on hope & prayers. Yes if it was me in that shape he would want me to go to the dr. I don't know why he is that way except his parents were and his brothers & sisters are that way too. You only go to the dr. once a year for your physical (which isn't the type of physical it used to be) and to get your med's refilled. He got the shingles in 2004 and it was a Saturday so he didn't want to go to the emergency room and he waited until Monday to see his dr. Now he has nerve damage from the shingles. I thought that would make him want to go to the dr. when something happened but it hasn't. When he gets something set in his mind there isn't any changing it and believe me I have tried. So thank you all for your comments and concern. Please keep us in your prayers as I will keep you in mine. God Bless you all!

Praying things will be OK AND doing what needs to be done is likely to work out much better praying while not doing what you could do. Of course you are right that he is avoiding going in for medical care because he is afraid to know what's wrong. Of course, that means he is living in fear and misery. You are not going to change that with just words if you have already tried and tried. He gets upset and that's the end of it, so he keeps getting upset. Understood.

What is the worst thing that would happen if you went to your Dad's and told your husband you are going to spend time with your Dad because he is dying, and your mother is wearing herself out with caregiving, and you can't really help him if he won't help himself anyway? (But you CAN help your mom not have to fight this whole battle alone...and you CAN be with them when the time comes.) Versus, what is the worst thing that will happen if you stay home, feeling torn, and nothing changes?

I'm going to pray that you find the strength to abandon your comfort zone and make a move. God wants us to find our strength in times like these - even strength you do not know you have.

And, if your diagnosis of stroke is right, I'd tend to entertain a diagnosis of post-stroke depression for your hubby. Couch therapy is a proven total failure for that condition... no one needs to be resigned to deterioration at age 66, and nothing will get better if he does nothing but stay in that comfort zone. Comfort zones can be deadly places to stay in full time. No one should have to be resigned to standing back and watching it happen either. What does "being here for" him actually mean? Just not leaving the house, or trying to talk, cajole, and wheedle him into doing something, anything before it's too late?