I'm confused why does my Mom continues to belittle me in little ways?

I have found that my mother developed jealousy toward me. She divorced my dad and married another man. Basically jumped out of the frying pan and into another frying pan. She was not happy but she wouldn't leave him for her own reasons. When I was married we had something in common---abusive husbands. But I have since divorced and am now in a wonderful relationship and she still in her unhappy one. She tries to cut down my man friend all the time. When I talk about marriage she rolls her eyes. She is jealous that I have found true love. She is also jealous that I have a successful career and don't need to rely on a man financially, like she does. She was given a chance to go to nursig school and he turned it down to get married and have kids. I think she regrets it, big time. She may be jealous of your youth and angry that she is old. I think a lot of older people get that way. they are just angry with their situation and ned someone to take it out on. Many als hate losing control and try to control others to make up for it.

My thoughts are if dementia is not involved here, she resents you spending time on something for yourself. As elders get older, their world narrows to their needs only...this is normal in most cases without dementia or family dysfunction issues.

Sweet, I agree - be a tiger about the issue with your son. No tigress would ever allow her mother to threaten her cub. Literally, tell her: "one more negative word out of you to or about X, and you're out of here. I'm serious." She'll take more notice than you might think - and, God willing, if you add examples of what you mean, she might even reflect on how she treats her grandson. Which would be even better. Best of luck x

JessieBelle - God is a divorce lawyer, now? Gosh, wonder what His fees are like!

I so agree with blannie. Your son is entering a time where you could lose him. You and his father have to have his back. Work together to make that happen. There are so many options for caring for your mother. If a family is meshing together like the Waltons, it is one thing. To have a parent that turns home into a dreaded thing is something completely different. Your children need to feel their home is their refuge and that their parents have their back. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know you have to get behind your son.

Sweetbrwn your priority should be your young son, NOT your mother in my opinion. I'd put her somewhere away from you and your children if she can't watch her mouth. Your mom has lived her life and she doesn't have the right to screw up your young son's life with her hate. If I was a child and my mom picked her mom over me, it would scar me for life. So think long and hard before you choose your mom over your innocent son. He's a minor and under your care. She's not a minor and can take care of herself away from your family.

I have to deal with this as well. My mother is just direct and mean with her words. She moved in with my children and myself almost 3 years ago and in the past year, she has chosen to pick on my 13 yr old son and blame him for everything that goes wrong in the house. It's to the point that I'm considering giving his father custody of him just so that he can have some peace. He's miserable living here with her. I've spoken to her about it and I thought that she was doing better, but I recently found out that when I'm not around, she is just as bad if not worse on him. She hardly ever leaves her bedroom or gets dressed. When she does, she's so mean and bitter, no one wants to be around her. It's to a point that she's tolerated because of who she is. Not because anyone likes being around her.

I'm torn as well because she is my mother and I've always been taught to take care of your parent until you just can't take care of them anymore. However, I'm about to lose a child because of her and there is no peace in my home. So I do understand your dilemma, I hope that you get an answer that you can pass on to me so that I can figure this out as well.

My wife's mother is several years older than your mother and she foes sleep all day and then when its about 11:00 or midnight she wants to get up and go. when you ask her why she is sleeping she will tell you I am not sleeping just resting my eyes for several hours at a time. She is always trying to make my wife feel guilty about something as she has nothing good to say about anything it was posted earlier about leaving the room when they start this try that out sometimes it works and sometimes it does not.

This reminds me of something my mother said when I first came here. She told me that God had caused my marriage to break up so I could come home to take care of her and Dad. I doubted that God took away my life and all my belongings for that reason. Talk about narcissism!

Sometimes I read the "it's not them, it's the disease" and don't find much comfort.

Wow so glad to read all these responses at this time. I am just struggling with the day in day out never ending waiting on my mom hand and foot all day long. What makes it so hard is that even though she will say from time to time she appreciates it (after I have said a few things when I'm just worn out) she expects this of me because of everything she has done for me. She has always been able to keep me tied in by making me feel guilty. I envy my middle sister who distanced herself from Mom years ago so she's not so emotionally involved - she also isn't involved in the amount of caregiving I am since Mom lives with me and only goes to visit her once in a great while cause she can't deal with Mom. Mom will want me to fix her hair when I'm about to run out the door for an appt and gets peevish when I tell her I will do her hair when I get back. She said well just hand me the brush - even though she can't brush her own hair. Recently when I was wanting to get to bed she started telling me the story of her friend who has this wonderful daughter who cares for her mom who only has one kidney and is bedridden but her husband lifts her. In other words, because I am having trouble with doing what I do, I'm not good enough. We have always clashed and I am just miserable having her here in my home but just cannot make the decision to put her in a home since she can still get herself to the bathroom and feed herself. She got up one morning recently when I was sick and got herself to the bathroom and when I came in later she was sitting there in the dark peering at her book and said she "forgot" to turn the light on. No, she was making me realized how lazy I am staying in bed when she was always up early. And for 92 you would think she would sleep a lot but not her. She was not happy cause I made her go to bed early last night (midnight) so she was up between 6:30 and 7 this morning waking up my husband, my dog, and me. I am just so frustrated and feel so trapped so it does help to hear it's not just me because of course I feel guilty for feeling this way and that in turn makes me more angry than I already am.

I meant KIND of attention - sorry

I hear this kind of thing constantly. Some people are not happy unless they have something to complain about. I think it's a control issue to see if they can push your buttons. I also think that it is a way to get attention. In other words, ANY kid of attention is good attention. A book I am reading said to simply say, 'well you may be right' or ' I guess that is upsetting for you' and then change the subject or walk out.
I'm going to try it out.

I can really feel for you, frustrated3. Constantly being put down becomes something impossible to laugh off eventually. When I visit my mother for a few weeks, I do my best to ignore or laugh off all the zingers, but it is such a relief to go home. I have decided that I simply cannot live with her because of such behaviour.

My mother is like someone with a condition like autism. She simply has no empathy. It's like it was left out of her makeup. She has no imagination anyway and seems unable to imagine how someone else might feel if she says something hurtful. She has always been like this; it is nothing to do with being older. She puts off others too, not just me.

Some of her comments are so off, I cannot comprehend her. Years ago, I was attacked by a man in my room and managed to fight him off. So my mother said "My, you've been getting into a lot of trouble." End of conversation. When I was fifteen, I got a good school mark on something or other, and she said I was a plodder since I had to work hard to get the good mark. There is no success of mine that she can't turn into a failure. It is a lifelong pattern and very destructive to me. She is highly manipulative in a cold sort of way. I wonder now if she realizes what she is doing to me beyond intellectually. I suppose this is what a narcissist is.

I wonder if a program or series by Dr Phil and//or Dr Oz to educate the populous NOW that the diminishing mind doesn't always remember the lessons learned. Science has shown that reinforcement, perhaps intermittent reinforcement by popular shows, from folks who are non-threatening, can help stem the tide of what is to come for many of our parents..

If one goes to the Psychology, it is that people feel comfortable sniping at 'family' because deep inside they believe they will never leave them or desert them despite their poor behaviors. However, knowing the 'psychology' does not ease the hurt to the heart of the caregiver.
Our scenario was that Dad was horrible to us 'kids' ( in our 50's and 60's now) and sunny, bright and happy with his visiting caregivers. One nasty comment after another, despite my cooking, cleaning, taking him out for drives, he would look grim and say, 'You're just trying to make my life miserable'. Yet he would praise the caregiver that came in 3x a week for a few hours, and say she was the best thing that ever happened to him. Despite our best efforts as a family to care for him in his home 24/7 (increasing disabilities and night wanderings), we finally decided to find a good senior care facility. We found a GREAT one! Now he has lots of 'caregivers' all day and night, lots of company and things to do, and he is happier than we have seen him in years. All of us kids get more sleep, and are less emotionally exhausted. Our conversations with him now are happy ones when we visit, he is not picking at us. Wish we had done this a year ago, but at least now everyone is happier. One family member was concerned that we were not 'honoring our father' per the instruction of the Bible. My counterpoint is that we have honored our parents all of our lives. We honor him now by providing the happiest and safest place he can be, where he is able to get 24 hour nursing care if need be. That too is honoring the parent.

Aphena, I agree. Oftentimes, because of declining mental capabilities they will forget they ever said it. And if you lash back immediately, it just becomes a "no win" situation. I know my mother threatened to throw me out of my own house if I started "bringing any men" around! She didn't remember anything about it the next day. Better to just get up and leave, sit in the car (don't drive!), bang on the steering wheel, scream and cuss (if that is part of your nature...it is mine), or go for a walk and tell her off while walking. Confrontation with people like we are dealing with is exactly like you said...You cannot convince crazy is crazy.

I wouldn't' advise anyone to speak up and tell them what you think back @ them. WAY counterproductive. Once they realize what get's to you they slam the buttons. You cannot convince a schizophrenic is NOT seeing the bat on the wall. You cannot convince crazy is crazy.

Just remember it's all temporary..Try to redirect her and except it's not her it's the dementia. It only gets worst and can never improve. Reality is not important, just keeping her calm is important for you both. Try not to react to her bad behavior as much as it hurts you.
My Mom has me shacking sometimes from her hateful words. I am learning to cope and not engage in the debate..don't take the bate. I am not the dementia. The dementia has taken over her, I can not let the dementia take over me. Just keep her safe,healthy and as happy as you can..remember it's all temporary.

I'm so glad to read that I'm not the only one with this problem. My Mom says little things like you have all mentioned & my tongue is getting sore from biting it. When I hear "what are you doing in there so long" or haven't you finished that yet", or "don't you ever get tired of those people", (I go out for dinner with my friends once a week for a whole 2 hours after I have cooked & served her dinner), I could just scream.

She is almost blind & can't hear very well even with hearing aids so I try to understand how frustrating her life is, but it's not my fault. Other than audio books I can't come up with anything else to fill her time & I'm sure that her perception of time is gone. I have discussed all of this with my siblings but it's almost impossible for them to understand. I'm sure that it all sounds so petty to them, but when you hear these little remarks so often, it really wears on a person. I'm always feeling guilty for doing so many things "wrong". Heck, I can't even make Jello right!

Thanks for letting vent.

frustrated, the miscarriage statement must have really hurt. Some of the things we hear shouldn't even be said to a worst enemy. It seems like every day we have to practice forgiveness. Some of the statements cut so deep. I have a feeling you would have been a great mother. You have certainly gone out of your way as a daughter.

Echomom, where are the two sons she loves so much now that the hated daughter has taken on the responsibility for her care? Hitting you with a cane is serious physical abuse and beating your dog is animal abuse. Amazing what dementia allows people to get away with. Even though you have warned her against more of such violent behavior, with her advancing mental deterioration she could go on the attack again and really do physical harm. I don't know your financial or legal circumstances, but it's obvious that she should be in a round-the-clock care facility with staff trained to handle potentially violent patients. Please watch your back...

I am the caregiver for my mother with Alz. She is almost 91 now, and her condition has just exacerbated her lifelong personality, which is hateful of women, children, and a serial man chaser! She was disgusted when I was born that I was female, so my Dad named me. Fortunately, I'm very much like him. She later tried again and had 2 sons, which she loved. I get physical abuse (no more, as I told her I'd call police next time), daily verbal abuse, have caught her beating my dog--her crime was jumping on 'Her and her Chihuahua's sofa'. It is a only an existence and I have made the mistake of commenting back, which does make her worse. Trying so hard to force myself to leave room. I never leave my dog alone here anymore as I've seen her also hit her with her cane, as she has me. I do everything here, a truly thankless position. Getting better at keeping quiet, walking away from her. It is so hard, thinking of the life I used to have 2 years ago. I keep trying.

Frustratedsad1. I just read your post about your mom's hateful comments regarding your lost child. This goes beyond difficult - she is abusive. This time I'm going to suggest you get more help. Contact her doctor(s) and see about getting her some home health care workers coming in. Medicare will pay for Palliative Care - which is different from Hospice Care. Ask her doctor for a referral for palliative care. Look up "palliative care" with your city and state after. There will be some organizations listed to help her - and in turn help you. I'd also talk to her doctor(s) about getting a geriatric evaluation. This kind of abuse could be the beginning of dementia or Alzheimer's. You don't deserve abuse like this. Let others step in to help you - not replace you. Good luck.

Just answer without emotion. In part she might be fearful when you are away. In part she might feel untitled to be waited on. Unless it is a truely mean statement, "you are a fat lazy slut", just answer the question, "because I like rice. I am cooking for both of us," I think there is some level of competition between mother's and daughter's, and when she is no longer the "expert" it makes her feel worthless, so she passes that on to you. Do not internalize HER issues. I had to remind my parents that "we all live here". It is not about you, you are just handy to her. Good Luck.

I could write a book on this subject, too. There's a whole chapter on this subject in the book, The 36-Hour Day. My local Alz Assn sent it to me (free) with a very helpful packet of other detailed info. It's made it much easier to say to myself, "It's just the dementia talking," even tho' my Mom has always been a master "zinger-thrower."

You just have to learn to ignore the comments. She's not doing it on purpose, it's the dementia talking.

My Mother is so focused on me that it drives me mad. If I go get my hair done she says "it looks the same." If I have on a new blouse it is the wrong color ect ect. The other day I went to get my eyebrows waxed and she wanted to see my eyebrows. WTF - so silly and it gets on my nerves big time. Truthfully I just ignore about 80% of everything my Mom says. However I do not let her bully me. If the hurtful comments or snarkiness starts I call her on it. I am not her punching bag - I am her caregiver and she will talk to me with respect - the same respect that I give to her. Does not always work but sometimes it does and I feel better by using assertive communication. Good luck.

OMG exhausted momma, your comment about your hair, must be a favorite insult for them to throw out there. If I haven't let my hair go naturally curly she tells me I look better with it curly. If I come in with it curly, she tells me it looks better straight. It ended one day when she asked why I wear my hair the way I do, that she thought it looked terrible. I smiled and told her "Well Mom, I wear my hair like this to give you something to insult me about." She hasn't mentioned my hair again!

I'm not sure why your mom is doing that I don't know what's wrong withyour mom didn't read your profile but myself been taking care of my mom for 14 years. Now she is end stage PD so the Dr.s say but anyway I have experienced things like that and for me it doesn't make you feel good mine a lot of times especially if dressed nice she will stare at me and eye me from head to toes and toes to head not to say anything nice. but just look me up and down make a nasty look and move on. So I've come to the poing of asking why I have to ignore that other ppl have told me it's jealousy but I do not understand that answer. Jealous of what, but my mom has never stopped doing that so my only choice I could do was to ignore and if I do get dressed to where I look nice won't go in her room. Try to ignore don't become like me so concerned to where you urself become sick. I know not easy but you do not want to make yourself sick. I wish I would of taken some advice that people gave me back when I first started. Didn't seem like things like getting sick from being good to someone can happen but it can so try to have an open mind and listen and take to heart what a lot of these people on here tell you. They are more experienced then me and I should of listened more. Sorry going thru this but hold your head up high and please don't ever loose who you yourself are and treat yourself good.

Love Sandy 22 Take Care

Regarding the question and all the heartfelt answers, we are obviously dealing with different personalities at different levels of dementia or personality disorders. For some the parent was once kind and loving and for others the parent was always manipulative and self-centered. I think the response to belittling or hurtful remarks should be predicated on the specific mental/emotional condition. If the problem showed up when Mom (or Grandpa or husband or whoever) started succumbing to dementia, then smile, let it roll off your back and find a positive outlet as well as support from others. I agree with others that this approach would be best for frustrated3. Be happy that you are able to help your loved one at this difficult time of life.

On the other hand, if there is a long history of verbal abuse as some have indicated, it is time to end such a damaging relationship. By that, I don't mean abandoning the person, but changing how one relates to him or her. If the toxic relationship is allowed to continue until the abuser has passed on, then the victim is left with feelings of unresolved guilt, anger and regret. For an aged parent (especially one with dementia) it is too late for family therapy, but not for the caregiver to seek help in dealing with the harm done by years of being mistreated. If the abuser is no longer able to care for her/himself it is imperative to engage others in contributing, if not time, then the money to get professional care. If there are no other close family members, then social services should be contacted. The important thing is that YOU are no longer the bull's-eye in the target.

I hope this hasn't been too rambling. There are so many factors in close human interactions, that one size definitely does NOT fit all! Blessings to all of us doing our best in our various situations.