My mother also falls for many sad tales--but she is on a tight budget and will only give $5 or $10. Still--one day I sat her down and explained that of the $5 she gives to a charity, X amt must pay the telemarketers first, and if they don't make their "base pay" often NONE of what you send it goes to the actual charity. She was appalled. She is on EVERY SINGLE mailing list in the world---I found a huge box packed to the brim with those "return labels" and little pads of paper that charities will send you, and since she keeps those, she feels guilty. I told her if she felt guilty keeping those and not giving away any money, to go ahead, but be aware, they are mostly scams at worst, and at best, poor ways for large organizations to raise funds. (also, she has more than 3,000 of those labels.....yes, I bothered to count) She gets more weekly.
Luckily she now has no landline, and she can barely use the cell phone, so phone solicitors are off limits. I can't stop and scan her mail everyday, so she'll still fall for something once in a while--but the one thing she will not give up is Publisher's Clearing House. Brother has in his basement storage 4 enormous plastic bins packed with the envelopes from them for the last 40 years. She really thinks she's going to win and that's our inheritance!!!! So she insists we hang on to EVERYTHING that came in the envelope, in case she wins. I didn't know PCH was still even a THING!
As far as finding a place that could use her money, or has needs--I have encouraged her to crochet baby blankets, make hygiene kits for Humanitarian Aid centers...things like that. One year I asked her to not give all the grankids and ggkids that $5 bill at Christmas and she helped us to pack 50 Christmas stockings for the local Boys and Girls Club. She helped pack the stockings--and I gave her the letter from the director, thanking our family.
I appreciate that she still wants to occasionally "help out". Finding ways to get her to do it so it's actually meeting a need it harder, and does require my help. The baby blankets are sweet and to many mothers in very poor countries, that may be the only blanket their child has.
So I guess, kind of re-direct the desire to "help" into more tangible ways of helping. It's more work for us, but mother enjoys knowing that her few dollars helped out someone in need, instead of paying someone in a call center.
You do not say whether or not she has dementia. You also do not say the manner in which she is tricked out of her money. More information, please. In my husband's case, I monitor incoming mail for scam. He does not use the computer . I have discontinued our land line. He has a cell phone that I have programmed so that only the people on his contact list will make his phone vibrate and ring. All other incoming calls will only light up his screen. He keeps the phone in a holster on his belt and therefore is unaware of these calls.
How is mom giving away her money, by phone, mailings? Does mom have dementia?
My mom has dementia and gave thousands away to charities. She would get so much junk mail in one day - it was unbelievable. She would write checks to anyone and everyone. She also would give money away via credit card over the phone.
Things I did: I took her to the bank, since her account was compromised and the bank manager talked to her - about what not to do. I put her on the do-not-call list. I was able to block certain phone calls from coming to her home. If I was there, I would answer the phone and ask them to take her off the list. I also got a post office box and had her mail sent there. Anything with a prepaid return envelope I would send back requesting to be taken off the mailings.
Dementia or not many seniors fall into this trap. It's sad. If she is using a computer and getting scammed, maybe you can have certain websites blocked. I think a lot of seniors do this because they are bored. I agree with Garden Artist - if she can get involved helping a specific charity - that may be very meaningful for her. Explain to mom that she can't give to everyone, and this specific charity is who she contributes to. If she has dementia - then she really won't comprehend and will continue the behavior until you step in.
I would think a "talk therapist" would do some good for your Mom. If Mom is on Medicare, you would need to find a therapist who take Medicare.
Maybe chatting with someone outside of the family would do her a world of good. If you have choices of therapists, find a mature therapist. Sometimes elders don't listen to people who are real young.
Over the years, I've come to believe that elders are easily scammed not only b/c they're vulnerable and naïve about scams, but b/c they want to feel a sense of helping, of reaching out in perhaps the only way they now can b/c they can't physically help others.
So I've tried to find ways that "help" can be provided and redirect the donations to specific charities. I've also contacted a number of sources including the VA, local senior centers and others which I don't remember right now.
The VA has a volunteer program; people can perform a range of activities with homebound to give them social opportunities. I haven't been able to utilize this service in our are as the only volunteer lived quite a ways away and wasn't comfortable bringing her dog for therapy for such a distance.
If neighbors have dogs, perhaps they might stop by; buy some doggie biscuits and let your mother give them to the dog(s). That's usually a heartwarming experience for people of any age.
Our senior center accepts clean unused greeting cards (which some so-called charities send prolifically). The cards can also be donated to AL, IL, SNF and other facilities for distribution to residents, especially at Christmas time.
What did your mother used to do to extend herself to others? Is there a way you can translate into current activities?
My niece used to take her young sons to library events in which the boys read to therapy dogs. Apparently the dogs benefit from human interaction as well as provide it to people in need.
Midkid, Great solution with the redirect! Great idea too on ways that REALLY make a difference too. I agree, Publisher's Clearing House is so evil, I saw this lady spending 30 bucks on a small tin of candy!!!! Then, she would not eat it, decided to save it for Christmas gifts. It would be no good by then. But, no convincing her. Here is a secret about PCH. If you go online and really search, it's not easy but find the phone # for customer service, explain that Mom has dementia or has died and request to stop all further communications. Worked for me!
Here in Minnesota, I would contact the attorney general's office for help in stopping the scammers. They investigate them and go after them on legal grounds. It doesn't get the money back, necessarily, but may put them out of business and in jail. I started to support certain "groups" that would call with their sob stories and investigated them on Charity Navigator to determine their credibility. Some were legitimate, but I decided not to donate to anyone phoning in the future and hang up on their spiel. Certain groups I did want to help, but when I found out on Charity Navigator how much they took in, I begin to ask how many people they were helping. I never got straight answers and just started hanging up and also trashing their mail appeals. When my friends for whom I am their POA moved into their memory care apartment, I have all their mail come to me and trash the appeals for money. I have written a note on their return form that they would no longer be able to support them and asked to not send further appeals, but they usually keep coming. Their phone number is changed, too, and no one except friends and family has their new one. They have no internet and forgot how to use it anyway. The attorney general helped get a magazine renewal company to stop sending their "bills" about subscription renewals to my friends. They had "renewed" their subscription to the Economist magazine to 2028--a very expensive magazine. I asked them to return that money and bring the subscription down to about 2018 (back in 2015) and it took a while, but they did so. Now that all the mail comes to me, I trash any such appeals. The AG also got the company to make their "reminders" look less like a real bill. The company changed which state we were to be mailing to as a way to get out from under this scrutiny, but at least the AG helped and I was grateful for their expertise.
This is why I feel Telemarketers need to be illegal. I told my Mom to tell them that her daughter's handles her money. The no call list is a joke. They allow charities, political calls, surveys and people u have done business with. Junk mail, if they send a postage paid envelope I send the sheet showing her address and write on it to take Mom off their mailing list. If no envelope , I go online and email the companies. Like the cell Idea only allowing the calls that are on the contact list. Problem with that , though, is my Mom could never learn how to use a cell phone.
Falling for tele-marketers was one of the things that led me to find out that my husband has Alzheimer's. For now, I put caller ID on the phone, he won't pick it up unless it says it is a family member or friend. Poor guy is so afraid to be taken in again. I just keep reminding him that if it is important they will leave a message and we will all them back. For today, it is working. Most everyone calls me on my cell phone so the only ones that call the house are scammers, and the occasional Doctor or Dentist office. I am not sure about the mail because he usually gets it before I do. I do electronically monitor his bank account and so far no more red flags. We have been married only about 17 years and we have always had separate accounts.
Luckily she now has no landline, and she can barely use the cell phone, so phone solicitors are off limits. I can't stop and scan her mail everyday, so she'll still fall for something once in a while--but the one thing she will not give up is Publisher's Clearing House. Brother has in his basement storage 4 enormous plastic bins packed with the envelopes from them for the last 40 years. She really thinks she's going to win and that's our inheritance!!!! So she insists we hang on to EVERYTHING that came in the envelope, in case she wins. I didn't know PCH was still even a THING!
As far as finding a place that could use her money, or has needs--I have encouraged her to crochet baby blankets, make hygiene kits for Humanitarian Aid centers...things like that. One year I asked her to not give all the grankids and ggkids that $5 bill at Christmas and she helped us to pack 50 Christmas stockings for the local Boys and Girls Club. She helped pack the stockings--and I gave her the letter from the director, thanking our family.
I appreciate that she still wants to occasionally "help out". Finding ways to get her to do it so it's actually meeting a need it harder, and does require my help. The baby blankets are sweet and to many mothers in very poor countries, that may be the only blanket their child has.
So I guess, kind of re-direct the desire to "help" into more tangible ways of helping. It's more work for us, but mother enjoys knowing that her few dollars helped out someone in need, instead of paying someone in a call center.
You also do not say the manner in which she is tricked out of her money.
More information, please.
In my husband's case, I monitor incoming mail for scam.
He does not use the computer .
I have discontinued our land line.
He has a cell phone that I have programmed so that only the people on his contact list will make his phone vibrate and ring.
All other incoming calls will only light up his screen. He keeps the phone in a holster on his belt and therefore is unaware of these calls.
My mom has dementia and gave thousands away to charities. She would get so much junk mail in one day - it was unbelievable. She would write checks to anyone and everyone. She also would give money away via credit card over the phone.
Things I did: I took her to the bank, since her account was compromised and the bank manager talked to her - about what not to do. I put her on the do-not-call list. I was able to block certain phone calls from coming to her home. If I was there, I would answer the phone and ask them to take her off the list. I also got a post office box and had her mail sent there. Anything with a prepaid return envelope I would send back requesting to be taken off the mailings.
Dementia or not many seniors fall into this trap. It's sad. If she is using a computer and getting scammed, maybe you can have certain websites blocked. I think a lot of seniors do this because they are bored. I agree with Garden Artist - if she can get involved helping a specific charity - that may be very meaningful for her. Explain to mom that she can't give to everyone, and this specific charity is who she contributes to. If she has dementia - then she really won't comprehend and will continue the behavior until you step in.
Maybe chatting with someone outside of the family would do her a world of good. If you have choices of therapists, find a mature therapist. Sometimes elders don't listen to people who are real young.
So I've tried to find ways that "help" can be provided and redirect the donations to specific charities. I've also contacted a number of sources including the VA, local senior centers and others which I don't remember right now.
The VA has a volunteer program; people can perform a range of activities with homebound to give them social opportunities. I haven't been able to utilize this service in our are as the only volunteer lived quite a ways away and wasn't comfortable bringing her dog for therapy for such a distance.
If neighbors have dogs, perhaps they might stop by; buy some doggie biscuits and let your mother give them to the dog(s). That's usually a heartwarming experience for people of any age.
Our senior center accepts clean unused greeting cards (which some so-called charities send prolifically). The cards can also be donated to AL, IL, SNF and other facilities for distribution to residents, especially at Christmas time.
What did your mother used to do to extend herself to others? Is there a way you can translate into current activities?
My niece used to take her young sons to library events in which the boys read to therapy dogs. Apparently the dogs benefit from human interaction as well as provide it to people in need.
Great solution with the redirect! Great idea too on ways that REALLY make a difference too. I agree, Publisher's Clearing House is so evil, I saw this lady spending 30 bucks on a small tin of candy!!!! Then, she would not eat it, decided to save it for Christmas gifts. It would be no good by then. But, no convincing her. Here is a secret about PCH. If you go online and really search, it's not easy but find the phone # for customer service, explain that Mom has dementia or has died and request to stop all further communications. Worked for me!
Telemarketers need to be illegal. I told my Mom to tell them that her daughter's handles her money. The no call list is a joke. They allow charities, political calls, surveys and people u have done business with. Junk mail, if they send a postage paid envelope I send the sheet showing her address and write on it to take Mom off their mailing list. If no envelope , I go online and email the companies. Like the cell Idea only allowing the calls that are on the contact list. Problem with that , though, is my Mom could never learn how to use a cell phone.
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