Mom has had several strokes and is physically not capable to be on her own or with me. I am her primary, and usually only, caregiver. She believes if they just let her out she would be fine.
My mother is VERY slowly declining from vascular dementia, so I can relate a little to what your gowing through. My mother can't take care of herself and, in addition to other issues, has lost her mobility and is a Hoyer Lift transfer. How many people are in the nursing home? Is it a huge facility? Is there a way for you swing it financially to put her in a smaller group home, with only a handful of residents? Maybe she'll do better in a smaller environment? If you live near a major metro city, there should be some group homes designated only for dementia patients. There are group homes for Medicaid and for private-pay. Check out care.com and see if you can find an affordable caregiver so that maybe your mother can stay with you, if you're leaning towards this. I had to go through several caregivers but I found an excellent one who used to be registered nurse in her home country and is now working as a nursing assistant in the neonatal intensive care unit at our local hospitial (she doesn't want to become a nurse in America because of the politics and paperwork; she just likes taking care of people). She comes in once a week to give me the much needed break.
Your question breaks my heart too. My mom was in a nursing home too. She recently passed away with the help of hospice. Your question didn't say if she still has her own apartment or home to go back to. If she does, please get her out of the nursing home as soon as possible and set up every kind of home help services you can. There is a lot of assistance for low income people and even people that are not. It is so much better to struggle at home and even pass away at home rather than be in a nursing home!! There is no peace and quiet in a nursing home and usually you share a room. The staff is noisy and and there is never the comforts of home. Too noisy! No peace! I am so regretful of not being able to get my mom out of the nursing home.
I would look into why. Did you visit several homes and choose this one, or was it more of an emergency placement? I would make sure my loved one was in the best possible place before doing anything else. It's not too late. Nursing home transfers happen all the time.
It is a stage that passes. Two years in now, my mother often thinks she's at her Grandmother's house, and that makes her quite content. That was a happy place for her in the early 1940s, so I'm going to just go with it as long as we can!
I think that once you are aware of why the person behaves that way, it enables us to prepare for the questions or comments. At first my loved one would ask how long she would be in assisted living. I would explain about how the doctor was monitoring her care, therapy, vitals etc. and that we didn't know if it would be next week or next month, but she was right on course. I'd praise her for all her efforts, though she made no efforts. She refused physical therapy, was difficult to get out of bed, wouldn't eat, etc., but she didn't have control over it. Her dementia robbed her of her abilities. I just tried to stay positive.
She had no memory of what happened from one minute to the next. I had to learn to adjust my expectations and reactions. I didn't feel bad, because she was getting the care she needed. I was very thankful that she was there. She had no more business leaving alone than a 5 year old child.
I would get a phone call to come to the AL and by the time I got off work, drove for an hour to get there and rushed into the facility, she had no memory of what the matter was. She was fine. I had to stop letting dementia, which has no rhyme or reason, run my life. So, I decided that I was going to react a certain way and that worked fine.
It effects people differently, but most of those in my cousin's Memory Care unit, no longer mention leaving that I am aware of. It's very rare. I'm not sure if they just forget they had another home. I know that my cousin has forgotten about her home. Once in a while she will say she wants to visit MY home, but she thinks her room is her apt and that is where she chose to live.
My mother did this. There was no way it would be safe or sane for her to live at her home, my home, anybody's home. That was out of the question.
So instead of telling her a big complicated explanation, I just said "the doctor has to OK you leaving, and he told me you have to stay this week." Mom was OK with that. I had to repeat this many times, but each time, she was OK with it.
There was a period where she became very combative and argumentative about it. She would get very upset. This was a sign her brain was changing, not that anything was wrong where she was. Her brain couldn't handle emotions correctly anymore. All I could do was placate to keep her calm.
==You paid the rent for the whole month, and can't get it back. You may as well stay.
==The doctor said it's too dangerous for you to leave this week.
==The realtor doesn't have anywhere you can afford to move into.
Oscar, is your mom still in the " adjustment" stage? Has she been in her facility for long?
Speak to the social worker about this. She may need to be encouraged to get more in in activities, talk to some new people. She may need an antidepressant med. You might also try telling her " the doctor says you need to get stronger before we discuss that". It's called therapeutic fibbing.
Oscar, from the posts I've read here, this isn't an unusual situation. My personal interpretation is that the changes are overwhelming and it's very difficult to adjust to a situation that's not the home in which someone grew up, lived after marriage, or the homes of their family.
And I'm sure it's like a giant sign telling them they're old, frail and can't live alone. I imagine it would be terrifying for someone to face this, as well as trying to deal with the physical changes accompanying old age.
I've just written on another thread that I think the way you rationalize this is to remember that you're trying to do what you feel is best for your mother, which at this point she probably doesn't recognize - either in the sense that you're acting in her best interests or that she's not able to determine for herself what's best for her.
I don't think it's uncommon to want to believe that she could live on her own, or with you, given the multiple strokes she's had.
I think it's harder to let go of our perceptions of our strength as we age, especially when it means recognition of our frailties and vulnerabilities which become such that we can't live alone.
Could you in fact care for her? If not, then you've taken the best action you could take and found a place with staff that can care for her.
If you brought her home, how would it affect your health, and wouldn't that also impede your care for her? Probably so. Try to remember that - her medical problems are beyond what you can handle, so you've taken the best action possible and found a place where those issues can be addressed.
She had no memory of what happened from one minute to the next. I had to learn to adjust my expectations and reactions. I didn't feel bad, because she was getting the care she needed. I was very thankful that she was there. She had no more business leaving alone than a 5 year old child.
I would get a phone call to come to the AL and by the time I got off work, drove for an hour to get there and rushed into the facility, she had no memory of what the matter was. She was fine. I had to stop letting dementia, which has no rhyme or reason, run my life. So, I decided that I was going to react a certain way and that worked fine.
It effects people differently, but most of those in my cousin's Memory Care unit, no longer mention leaving that I am aware of. It's very rare. I'm not sure if they just forget they had another home. I know that my cousin has forgotten about her home. Once in a while she will say she wants to visit MY home, but she thinks her room is her apt and that is where she chose to live.
So instead of telling her a big complicated explanation, I just said "the doctor has to OK you leaving, and he told me you have to stay this week." Mom was OK with that. I had to repeat this many times, but each time, she was OK with it.
There was a period where she became very combative and argumentative about it. She would get very upset. This was a sign her brain was changing, not that anything was wrong where she was. Her brain couldn't handle emotions correctly anymore. All I could do was placate to keep her calm.
==You paid the rent for the whole month, and can't get it back. You may as well stay.
==The doctor said it's too dangerous for you to leave this week.
==The realtor doesn't have anywhere you can afford to move into.
Speak to the social worker about this. She may need to be encouraged to get more in in activities, talk to some new people. She may need an antidepressant med. You might also try telling her " the doctor says you need to get stronger before we discuss that". It's called therapeutic fibbing.
And I'm sure it's like a giant sign telling them they're old, frail and can't live alone. I imagine it would be terrifying for someone to face this, as well as trying to deal with the physical changes accompanying old age.
I've just written on another thread that I think the way you rationalize this is to remember that you're trying to do what you feel is best for your mother, which at this point she probably doesn't recognize - either in the sense that you're acting in her best interests or that she's not able to determine for herself what's best for her.
I don't think it's uncommon to want to believe that she could live on her own, or with you, given the multiple strokes she's had.
I think it's harder to let go of our perceptions of our strength as we age, especially when it means recognition of our frailties and vulnerabilities which become such that we can't live alone.
Could you in fact care for her? If not, then you've taken the best action you could take and found a place with staff that can care for her.
If you brought her home, how would it affect your health, and wouldn't that also impede your care for her? Probably so. Try to remember that - her medical problems are beyond what you can handle, so you've taken the best action possible and found a place where those issues can be addressed.