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About 15 months ago my sister decided it was too dangerous to let mom live on her own and ordered me to rotate mom's care by taking turns having mom live in our homes. Mom didn't realize what was going on and constantly begged to go home all day while at both our homes. My sister is wealthy, travels a lot and would unexpectedly leave on trips for up to a month leaving me with most of the caregiving. She would take mom for about two weeks and then dump her back on me after I had mom for sometimes up to 2 months. My sister dictated scheduling and I just went with it to keep things harmonious. After 8 months of this, my sister & mom came by to tell me she had just signed papers to move mom into an assisted living facility. The facility did not have a memory care section which concerned me. We spent a week painting her small studio, moving moms things, buying new furniture. Sis gave me a list of over 30 "to dos" and I happily did everything. Sis told me this was a 1 month trial run & was using her own money without her husband's involvement to see if the place was a good fit for mom. I voiced my concerns about mom being reclusive, wouldn't remember agreeing to move in, not having memory care & mom not going to dining room to eat. Sure enough, on move in day, our mom refused to move in and almost caused a scene. She had no memory of ever agreeing to AL. Sis told me to take mom home with me and try to move her in the next day. Sis then was supposedly sick and left on a 3 month vacation without trying to help me move mom in. She literally disappeared! Mom was angry that we tried to put her away. After 2 weeks back in my home & tons of coaxing & love, mom decided to give AL a try. The 1st night was a disaster and mom lost her pendant, cell phone, room key, removed batteries from channel changer, and was a mess. Her eyes were nearly swollen shut from crying all night. It took me an hour to find everything she lost. She asked to go to lunch & then coaxed me into taking her home with me to lay down. She literally locked herself in her room at my home and refused to go back to AL! I explained this to my sister while she was vacationing but she didn't care & told me if mom didn't go back, all help from her would be stopped. I tried so hard but failed miserably. It is now 8 months later & mom is still with me. To save my sister money, I moved my mom's belongings out of the AL so she wouldn't be charged $7k a month. Sis is no longer allowed to "share the care" as her family doesn't want mom in their home. It was too depressing having someone with Alzheimer's around even though they have 4 housekeepers, a cook & 20,000 sq ft home on the beach. Two weeks ago I told my sis that mom is ready for a memory care facility and I'm emotionally, physically and mentally spent. I'm a mess and haven't been out to a movie or dinner for almost a year. Mom doesnt have any assets other than social security and I can't afford cost of a facility. Sister's hubby is rich but she has no say in money matters. My mom & dad raised my sister's 3 kids & gave up their lives for them. My sister & husband (control freak) promised they would always take care of our parents as my father retired early from a great job to travel and help care for their family. After dad passed 5 years ago, mom went downhill after 60 years of marriage and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She has lost all short-term memory and begs to go home everyday, all day. We were always a close family and had very little drama other than sis and her husband having bad marriage issues. Sis has been in the cycle of abuse for years but never had the guts to leave. She used her family of origin as her personal firewall & always he isolated her from fam. Sis husband is a hateful man & now punishing mom because I wasn't successful moving her in to AL. I literally did everything to get her back but had no help from anyone. The room my sister moved mom into was less than 300 sq ft. Sister has no backbone and she is letting her husband make decisions for our mom when he wasn't supposed to be a part of the 30 day trial. Sis comes over to visit mom about once every two weeks and chain smokes for 2 hours. She barges in unexpectedly and I once again have no say when she even visits. She claims she feels guilty she can't have mom in her home nor help with a facility but I'm sickened she won't stand up to this monster she calls a husband. Putting mom in a good AL with memory care would be like pocket change to them. She has thrown our mother away like a piece of garbage and I'm now a slave. My husband is a true hero and so awesome with the situation. He has suggested looking for help via the state since mom has no assets other than social security. I told my sister I'll have to put mom on welfare and she doesn't care. Thank you for reading my sob story. I guess I'm asking you all if mom should be punished because I was unsuccessful moving her into a place that wasn't a good fit. Help? So so tired.

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You need a certified Eldercare attorney to help you with this. Not a DIY project!
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You can talk to a lawyer about a Miller Trust, also called a pooled income trust.
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Thanks Babalou!
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Thanks so much. Appreciate your help. I looked up Medicaid eligibility requirements in CA and mom receives about $200 over the ceiling a month (social security). Darn. So much for having a life! I'll probably be back here often.
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Agree with all here, I do not know about wait lists in Cali. But, remember this, if mom has a medical emergency you can refuse to take her home telling them her care is more than you can provide. They will find a suitable place that will be Medicaid funded.
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Www.aging.gov is a good resource. So is the Senior Living tab and the Money and Legal tab up at the top.

You really need advice from her doctors about what sort of care she needs. Also, it seems as though there are some mental issues in play. Think about getting her in for an eva5by a geriatric psychiatrist. That's where we got the best advice about what mom needed.
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Thanks so much for responding and I'm so sorry my first post was so long. I literally left out so much history & tried to summarize everything. I'd keep my mom forever but feel it's unfair to my husband & he misses me. My sister is useless & the care of our mom is no longer a concern of hers. Real quick, would state help pick up the complete cost of memory care AL after using her social security? In California, is there a long waiting list to get placed? Also, Are there state run ALs or do they help with placing loved one in existing facilities. If state run, what is the quality of this care compared to a $10K per month facility my mom refused to move into? Thank you all for your guidance in this process.
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Money, money, money! Sister is married to an abusive beast but she tolerates it because she like the perks.
Mom is not being punished, nor are you.
Mom is living with family who actually love her and is probably more comfortable not having to up and move every couple of months. Demented people do better in a stable atmosphere.
Mom has demonstrated that she would not do well in AL so follow the advice and aim for memory care.
Mom probably won't like that at first either but there is not another viable alternative if you can't do it.

Many times in life we have to do things we would rather not and end of life care is a big one. No one wants to get old and sick and have to tolerate institution living.

If you are successful in placing Mom follow the facilities instructions and do not visit in the beginning for as long as they suggest. Let her settle in and get used to the new normal. If she needs stuff drop it off in the office don't use that as an excuse to visit. She will probably have some less than nice things to call you when she finally sees you, but you are the one who has said she can't do the caregiving even though you have a ver supportive husband.

Remember sis is not stinking rich it is hubby's money so that source could dry up any minute too and where would Mom be then.

Talk to Mom's Dr and see if he/she is willing to prescribe medication to help Mom through the transition.

Try and think of all this from the point of view of being married to your BIL, not a pretty picture is it?
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No one is punishing your mom. Your sister is in an abusive relationship; let go of the idea that sis should pay for mom's care.

Pam is right. Apply for Medicaid for mom so she can get into a facility that will be a good fit for her needs.
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Get mom into memory care on Medicaid. It is a higher level of care than assisted living, which she is not suited for. Start by calling your county office of the aging for help. They may recommend trying some home care at first, which would get relief for you. Take it one step at a time.
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