While in rehab my mother commented on one of the other patients eying her as he walked by her room. I've never heard my mother comment on men being interested in her. My father died a few years ago. I had a good chuckle when she said maybe she should see if he has any money! I told her to go sit herself out in the common area with a vacant chair next to her and entice him over for a chat. We both had a good chuckle. It honestly was good to see her sense of humor coming through.
CatRudy, that is so sad! In most cases, the person with dementia feels much younger and does what comes naturally because there are no inhibitions.
I've heard from more than one young couple where the daughter-in-law, once close to her FIL, has to stay back and only visit when the son is there. This is because the elder doesn't understand that this woman is his son's wife. She's simply an attractive young woman and since he, in his brain, is an attractive young man, he flirts.
The flirting does feel "icky" and disconcerting to say the least. When the behavior goes beyond flirting the problems can become immense as CatRudy said. This is where there's a place for gender specific homes, though not many people have that choice.
Take care, all of you. It's just plain awful some days - coping with this all of the time. Carol
Mil with vascular dementia cornered male aides at nursing home, they perfected the "side step, keep moving." When she then added all visiting males, there were complaints. When she then attempted to . . . my husband (her son) in front of me, I banned any sitting or standing closer than 2 feet with her. He was so embarrassed. She had always had married boyfriends before the dementia, so whatever her life was before, was worse after. Told nursing home to do whatever they needed to do, to protect other residents. After 4 years, no one would even hardly be in the same room with her.
My mom flirts with my partner of 13 years. She always asks him if he has a wife. She tells him he would look much better if he shaved off his beard. He's also bald and she tells him he needs a hat. He keeps a cap next to him at the table and takes off and puts it back on at her requests. She asks everyone who visits if they are married. One holiday dinner, mom kept winking at my youngest son. He was sort of creeped out but took it in stride. Flirting is harmless and if it makes them feel happy, it's a good thing! We don't have too many things that can do that.
God help us all with the crap you have to endure with dementia! We can build giant telescopes that see across the universe and send space craft to other planets but we cannot do anything for people losing their minds.
My dad gets touchy with young women. He likes to put his hand around their waist or on their backs much to our embarrassment. Like a dirty ol man. We often don't know what to say and try to pull him away gently. he thinks he should talk to any stranger, especially young women. Its often irritating.
That's kind of amusing that your MIL does that - the same lady I mentioned earlier that seemed to have no filter on her mouth was in the NH with dad..and dad was a very large man. She walked up to him one day and said, "You're FAT!" - just out of the blue. Dad looked at her and replied, "I may be FAT, but you're UGLY - I can go on a diet - what are you going to do??"
I also have a MIL that can not keep her hands to herself in a flirting way. She pats bellies, rumps, backs with giggly comments like, "How far along are you? Haven't missed many meals have you? and my all time favorite It's a wonder you fit in the stall." All the while calling them sweetie and honey. Oh, did I say she has gained 60 lbs from lack of exercise and consumption of sweets and ice cream. With family, it was mostly ignored. When complete strangers became involved, embarrassing moments became the norm. After a while we stopped apologizing and let her fend for herself. She thinks she is funny and no amount of explaining of bad behavior computes. Looking in a mirror comments go ignored. Nose goes in the air, head turns with a vocal humph. So far no one has flattened her out, but time will tell. Flirting is a memory trip back to their younger days trying to hold on. Most are harmless some not so much. Good luck to all. At least interaction is not boring to say the least.
My dad does the same . From the waitresses to the most disturbing, with his great-grand baby daughter of 9months. He said to my grandchild that she shouldn't look at him because he's been married twice already. My son was embarrassed in front of his wife and I think they are now not too keen to bring baby along in the old man's presence, but he didn't know what he was saying. He flirts with the young women in his family and so it goes on.
Worried that he might be labelled a 'dirty old man'
It can get very embarrassing with dementia patients getting inappropriate in their behaviors. My MIL has started this soon after she lost her husband who she loved. She is fixated on finding a new man. It does not matter what their age, if they look available. I know her mother, who also had this condition, became very inappropriate as it progressed. That is what we have to look forward to. I hate how this disease causes them to act.....
This happened to me with my mother thinking my husband was her husband. She also would be taken out to dinner by my sister's ex-husband and act like it was a real date. When he gave her a scarf for Christmas she blushed! People with dementia often display thoughts of younger days when they might have been attracted to someone and that someone looks like your husband or boyfriend. Don't worry about it, just tell him to keep his hands off her!
marymember, I'll bet she remembered it, but she lied to make herself look innocent. If you ask the man, he won't admit to it either. When a five year old steals the ice cream and you ask where it went, you hear "I don't know". Talk to nursing home staff and they will tell you the romance venue at any of the facilities is very busy. The patients are active, WE are in denial.
At this point in your life you should be secure enough in your love to let go of jealousy. How wicked of you not to want to share your love with your mother at her age. She obviously trusts him and openly likes him. If she loves you both she may feel comfortable loving both of you. He is like a son to her. In my mind flirting is just having fun...making someone smile. It's fine if just sees this as a jesture of love and trust, and not respond to it as sexual in nature. He could gently chide her and tease her about her aging in response, or just hug her you know! Whatever works. Lighten up...your Mom won't be around for long.
awwww.... it's sweet. I wish my mom would, she is in a skilled nursing facility following a stroke. When the (mostly male) orderlies change her diaper she screams RAPE. Poor guys, what they endure. We all know her mind was damaged but I'd much rather have her flirting with them!
What about older men living in assisted living and approaching women also living in assisted living? I heard of one case where actual sex took place. The woman had no memory of it, but the physical evidence was there. marymember
Agree with the others; it's just harmless flirting. In her dementia, she probably sees (a) herself as a young woman the age of the boyfriend, or (b) he's a dashing man her age.
My mother once called me and told me a strange man was trying to get in the house, she was scared, and didn't know where Dad was. Dad was the man trying to get in his own house.
If your mother has dementia, unfortunately in some patients, all inhibitions cease.
If your mother does not have dementia, perhaps you should take her to see a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric one. I firmly believe all dementia patients should be evaluated by a geriatric physician, including a psychiatrist as there are many helpful treatments available at this point of time. They are not perfect, but they do help. That, of course, is if you have the money, and if you have health insurance, which we know is a mess in this country. Not a very good time to be sick. Competence even within the medical profession is hard to find today.
Susmart, I am so sorry that has happened to your mother! I am also sorry that your mother had a twisted neighbor that she once thought of as a son. I can understand how much that would hurt. My thoughts are with you!
For all of you think that ignoring it, or shrugging it off, or even thinking it's "cute"- you see how harmless it is when your mother who viewed a neighbor like a son, comes on to him and he takes advantage of her. (Yes, he KNEW she had dementia.) In her right mind, she would have been repulsed and horrified by this, but she is no longer in her right mind. This is not harmless behavior, this is a damaged brain, making a mockery of everything she believed in.
When my husband and I become old and grey, (ok, older and grey-er) and he should begin to make advances toward my daughter-in-law, I think I shall stick out my foot and trip him...:)
My Dad was in a nursing home years ago the first time his kidney failed (he had only one). He was not your average NH resident, as he was rather young when this happened (in his 60s), and the kidney miraculously revived after several months of dialysis and he was able to come home.
While he was there, they would have musical groups come in to entertain the residents, etc. One day, while the more active residents were in the activity room listening to music, one of the female dementia patients came in and started dancing with one of the male orderlies. He played along, happy to give her some enjoyment. About 2 minutes into their dance, she backed up, grinned and looked down at his pants and said - loudly - "YOU GOT A B*NER!". The orderly pushed her away from him and said that was the *last* time they'd dance together. LOL
We still think she may have been a prostitute in her former life or something....
Aw, leave mom alone. Next month she could think of your boyfriend as her father, brother, etc. Realize that her mind isn't "normal" and just shrug it off.
All good lighthearted fun? My mother (and reluctantly) myself took in a homeless man several years ago, who stayed with us for a year and a half. She initially saw him as a son, but as dementia increased she ended up *sleeping with him* while I was out. I found out a couple of weeks later. (SHE told me, and he admitted it.) Just because someone is an acquaintance or a "trusted friend" doesn't mean it can't happen.
I don't see where it is mentioned that your mother has dementia (does she?) and also, really, 73 is not that old! Was your mother always flirtatious? Is she a life of the party type? Was she an attractive woman when she was younger, used to male attention? Is your dad alive? There are a lot of gaps here that make it hard to address the question. My own mother is 79 and had me at 20. ALL my life my mother has behaved as if she is in competition with me. My dad and she are married since 1952. She has never worked, behaves like a spoiled child and he is totally codependent and dysfunctional. She has always taken an opposing side against me as long as I can remember and if she COULD, she would try to alienate my husband too. She doesn't have dementia but for sure she is narcissistic (NPD). If your mother is sort of a sweet, innocent flirt who has lost her husband, if she has dementia, if she just like a little male attention every now and then (having a door held for her, a chair pulled out, stuff like that) it seems harmless. But as for her age, have you seen Jane Fonda lately? She is older than 73. Just saying.
Perfectly harmless. My Mom flirted and teased most of the males in memory care. I agree with rfhendricks....I would give anything to watch her giggle and tease again.
I also agree that a little playing along isn't bad. Your mom's dementia has her thinking she's much younger than she is. This isn't uncommon. I've heard of daughters-in-law who've had to avoid their FIL because of sexual advances even though, when all was well, they got along really well. Heartbreaking in that situation. Your boyfriend shouldn't play along too much but if a little flirting help you mom, then why not? Just see what works. Unfortunately, this is part of the disease. Good luck, Carol
I've heard from more than one young couple where the daughter-in-law, once close to her FIL, has to stay back and only visit when the son is there. This is because the elder doesn't understand that this woman is his son's wife. She's simply an attractive young woman and since he, in his brain, is an attractive young man, he flirts.
The flirting does feel "icky" and disconcerting to say the least. When the behavior goes beyond flirting the problems can become immense as CatRudy said. This is where there's a place for gender specific homes, though not many people have that choice.
Take care, all of you. It's just plain awful some days - coping with this all of the time.
Carol
giant telescopes that see across the universe and send space craft to other planets but we cannot do anything for people losing their minds.
That's kind of amusing that your MIL does that - the same lady I mentioned earlier that seemed to have no filter on her mouth was in the NH with dad..and dad was a very large man. She walked up to him one day and said, "You're FAT!" - just out of the blue. Dad looked at her and replied, "I may be FAT, but you're UGLY - I can go on a diet - what are you going to do??"
:-)
He flirts with the young women in his family and so it goes on.
Worried that he might be labelled a 'dirty old man'
Talk to nursing home staff and they will tell you the romance venue at any of the facilities is very busy. The patients are active, WE are in denial.
That is a very serious matter and should be taken up with the facility or an attorney. My comment was about elderly moms flirting with men.
jealousy. How wicked of you not to want to share your love with your mother at her age. She obviously trusts him and openly likes him. If she loves you both she may feel comfortable loving both of you. He is like a son to her. In my mind flirting is just having fun...making someone smile. It's fine if just sees this as a jesture of love and trust, and not respond to it as sexual in nature. He could gently chide her and tease her about her aging in response, or just hug her you know! Whatever works. Lighten up...your Mom won't be around for long.
My mother once called me and told me a strange man was trying to get in the house, she was scared, and didn't know where Dad was. Dad was the man trying to get in his own house.
If your mother does not have dementia, perhaps you should take her to see a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric one. I firmly believe all dementia patients should be evaluated by a geriatric physician, including a psychiatrist as there are many helpful treatments available at this point of time. They are not perfect, but they do help. That, of course, is if you have the money, and if you have health insurance, which we know is a mess in this country. Not a very good time to be sick. Competence even within the medical profession is hard to find today.
I am so sorry that has happened to your mother! I am also sorry that your mother had a twisted neighbor that she once thought of as a son. I can understand how much that would hurt. My thoughts are with you!
While he was there, they would have musical groups come in to entertain the residents, etc. One day, while the more active residents were in the activity room listening to music, one of the female dementia patients came in and started dancing with one of the male orderlies. He played along, happy to give her some enjoyment. About 2 minutes into their dance, she backed up, grinned and looked down at his pants and said - loudly - "YOU GOT A B*NER!". The orderly pushed her away from him and said that was the *last* time they'd dance together. LOL
We still think she may have been a prostitute in her former life or something....
My own mother is 79 and had me at 20. ALL my life my mother has behaved as if she is in competition with me. My dad and she are married since 1952. She has never worked, behaves like a spoiled child and he is totally codependent and dysfunctional. She has always taken an opposing side against me as long as I can remember and if she COULD, she would try to alienate my husband too. She doesn't have dementia but for sure she is narcissistic (NPD). If your mother is sort of a sweet, innocent flirt who has lost her husband, if she has dementia, if she just like a little male attention every now and then (having a door held for her, a chair pulled out, stuff like that) it seems harmless. But as for her age, have you seen Jane Fonda lately? She is older than 73. Just saying.
Good luck,
Carol