She's a Cougar, you just never knew it. Add a little dementia to that and the social "filters" are gone, so the patient no longer controls their impulses.
My Mom started "flirting" with my husband and always defending him and took his side even when we were joking around. She's 91! We are in our 40's. I realized it was just admiration for him stepping up and doing all the things a man in a relationship would do. He's very similar in personality to my late father too, takes no crap from her! Now that there are times she acts like a little kid she listens to him ( better than me) like he is her father. He's a good man, I don't blame her for her crush!
i read a couple of books about the pioneer days in VA and came away with the realization that the housewife was the backbone of the homestead but contrary to current PC thinking , i still believe a good man should be the source of direction for the family. ( only if he is the more effective organizer ) . no sexist rant here. ive seen plenty of cool thinking , brilliant women too ..
My mother at 86 with severe dementia flirts terribly. She tried to flirt with my friend's husband but didn't want her to think she was trying to steal him away. She was not like this pre dementia but all inhibitions are gone and she LOVES to flirt with men of any age. I just smile and roll my eyes.
aww let her have fun. My mom (who recently past away) had dementia. She married may dad when she was 17, he was her first love her first for everything. After he died, a few years later she would harmlessly flirt. Would even walk up to a complete stranger and asked it he was married. Then after dementia set in I brought her home to live with me. She started flirting my my sons friend. He took her for ice cream one day and they got "engaged" over ice cream. He even gave her a 2 dollar ring. She was so happy, even nicknamed him Sweetie. It was all harmless. When the dementia got so bad and I, because of my health, had to admit her to a nursing home, she would introduce Zack as her sweetie, flirt with the doctors. This never bothered me in the least, my mom was happy that is the main thing. The doctors loved her and her flirting, and often comment how refreshing it was. So please let your mother have fun and be happy because one day they won't be with us. I miss my mom so very much, I would give anything to see her act like a lovesick teen again.
My mother flirts with a sweetheart of a male nurse at the nursing home. He talks about his boyfriend and by his mannerisms he's very obviously gay but she never catches on {rolling eyes}.
I also agree that a little playing along isn't bad. Your mom's dementia has her thinking she's much younger than she is. This isn't uncommon. I've heard of daughters-in-law who've had to avoid their FIL because of sexual advances even though, when all was well, they got along really well. Heartbreaking in that situation. Your boyfriend shouldn't play along too much but if a little flirting help you mom, then why not? Just see what works. Unfortunately, this is part of the disease. Good luck, Carol
Perfectly harmless. My Mom flirted and teased most of the males in memory care. I agree with rfhendricks....I would give anything to watch her giggle and tease again.
I don't see where it is mentioned that your mother has dementia (does she?) and also, really, 73 is not that old! Was your mother always flirtatious? Is she a life of the party type? Was she an attractive woman when she was younger, used to male attention? Is your dad alive? There are a lot of gaps here that make it hard to address the question. My own mother is 79 and had me at 20. ALL my life my mother has behaved as if she is in competition with me. My dad and she are married since 1952. She has never worked, behaves like a spoiled child and he is totally codependent and dysfunctional. She has always taken an opposing side against me as long as I can remember and if she COULD, she would try to alienate my husband too. She doesn't have dementia but for sure she is narcissistic (NPD). If your mother is sort of a sweet, innocent flirt who has lost her husband, if she has dementia, if she just like a little male attention every now and then (having a door held for her, a chair pulled out, stuff like that) it seems harmless. But as for her age, have you seen Jane Fonda lately? She is older than 73. Just saying.
All good lighthearted fun? My mother (and reluctantly) myself took in a homeless man several years ago, who stayed with us for a year and a half. She initially saw him as a son, but as dementia increased she ended up *sleeping with him* while I was out. I found out a couple of weeks later. (SHE told me, and he admitted it.) Just because someone is an acquaintance or a "trusted friend" doesn't mean it can't happen.
Aw, leave mom alone. Next month she could think of your boyfriend as her father, brother, etc. Realize that her mind isn't "normal" and just shrug it off.
My Dad was in a nursing home years ago the first time his kidney failed (he had only one). He was not your average NH resident, as he was rather young when this happened (in his 60s), and the kidney miraculously revived after several months of dialysis and he was able to come home.
While he was there, they would have musical groups come in to entertain the residents, etc. One day, while the more active residents were in the activity room listening to music, one of the female dementia patients came in and started dancing with one of the male orderlies. He played along, happy to give her some enjoyment. About 2 minutes into their dance, she backed up, grinned and looked down at his pants and said - loudly - "YOU GOT A B*NER!". The orderly pushed her away from him and said that was the *last* time they'd dance together. LOL
We still think she may have been a prostitute in her former life or something....
When my husband and I become old and grey, (ok, older and grey-er) and he should begin to make advances toward my daughter-in-law, I think I shall stick out my foot and trip him...:)
For all of you think that ignoring it, or shrugging it off, or even thinking it's "cute"- you see how harmless it is when your mother who viewed a neighbor like a son, comes on to him and he takes advantage of her. (Yes, he KNEW she had dementia.) In her right mind, she would have been repulsed and horrified by this, but she is no longer in her right mind. This is not harmless behavior, this is a damaged brain, making a mockery of everything she believed in.
Susmart, I am so sorry that has happened to your mother! I am also sorry that your mother had a twisted neighbor that she once thought of as a son. I can understand how much that would hurt. My thoughts are with you!
If your mother has dementia, unfortunately in some patients, all inhibitions cease.
If your mother does not have dementia, perhaps you should take her to see a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric one. I firmly believe all dementia patients should be evaluated by a geriatric physician, including a psychiatrist as there are many helpful treatments available at this point of time. They are not perfect, but they do help. That, of course, is if you have the money, and if you have health insurance, which we know is a mess in this country. Not a very good time to be sick. Competence even within the medical profession is hard to find today.
Agree with the others; it's just harmless flirting. In her dementia, she probably sees (a) herself as a young woman the age of the boyfriend, or (b) he's a dashing man her age.
My mother once called me and told me a strange man was trying to get in the house, she was scared, and didn't know where Dad was. Dad was the man trying to get in his own house.
What about older men living in assisted living and approaching women also living in assisted living? I heard of one case where actual sex took place. The woman had no memory of it, but the physical evidence was there. marymember
awwww.... it's sweet. I wish my mom would, she is in a skilled nursing facility following a stroke. When the (mostly male) orderlies change her diaper she screams RAPE. Poor guys, what they endure. We all know her mind was damaged but I'd much rather have her flirting with them!
At this point in your life you should be secure enough in your love to let go of jealousy. How wicked of you not to want to share your love with your mother at her age. She obviously trusts him and openly likes him. If she loves you both she may feel comfortable loving both of you. He is like a son to her. In my mind flirting is just having fun...making someone smile. It's fine if just sees this as a jesture of love and trust, and not respond to it as sexual in nature. He could gently chide her and tease her about her aging in response, or just hug her you know! Whatever works. Lighten up...your Mom won't be around for long.
marymember, I'll bet she remembered it, but she lied to make herself look innocent. If you ask the man, he won't admit to it either. When a five year old steals the ice cream and you ask where it went, you hear "I don't know". Talk to nursing home staff and they will tell you the romance venue at any of the facilities is very busy. The patients are active, WE are in denial.
This happened to me with my mother thinking my husband was her husband. She also would be taken out to dinner by my sister's ex-husband and act like it was a real date. When he gave her a scarf for Christmas she blushed! People with dementia often display thoughts of younger days when they might have been attracted to someone and that someone looks like your husband or boyfriend. Don't worry about it, just tell him to keep his hands off her!
It can get very embarrassing with dementia patients getting inappropriate in their behaviors. My MIL has started this soon after she lost her husband who she loved. She is fixated on finding a new man. It does not matter what their age, if they look available. I know her mother, who also had this condition, became very inappropriate as it progressed. That is what we have to look forward to. I hate how this disease causes them to act.....
My dad does the same . From the waitresses to the most disturbing, with his great-grand baby daughter of 9months. He said to my grandchild that she shouldn't look at him because he's been married twice already. My son was embarrassed in front of his wife and I think they are now not too keen to bring baby along in the old man's presence, but he didn't know what he was saying. He flirts with the young women in his family and so it goes on.
Worried that he might be labelled a 'dirty old man'
Good luck,
Carol
My own mother is 79 and had me at 20. ALL my life my mother has behaved as if she is in competition with me. My dad and she are married since 1952. She has never worked, behaves like a spoiled child and he is totally codependent and dysfunctional. She has always taken an opposing side against me as long as I can remember and if she COULD, she would try to alienate my husband too. She doesn't have dementia but for sure she is narcissistic (NPD). If your mother is sort of a sweet, innocent flirt who has lost her husband, if she has dementia, if she just like a little male attention every now and then (having a door held for her, a chair pulled out, stuff like that) it seems harmless. But as for her age, have you seen Jane Fonda lately? She is older than 73. Just saying.
While he was there, they would have musical groups come in to entertain the residents, etc. One day, while the more active residents were in the activity room listening to music, one of the female dementia patients came in and started dancing with one of the male orderlies. He played along, happy to give her some enjoyment. About 2 minutes into their dance, she backed up, grinned and looked down at his pants and said - loudly - "YOU GOT A B*NER!". The orderly pushed her away from him and said that was the *last* time they'd dance together. LOL
We still think she may have been a prostitute in her former life or something....
I am so sorry that has happened to your mother! I am also sorry that your mother had a twisted neighbor that she once thought of as a son. I can understand how much that would hurt. My thoughts are with you!
If your mother does not have dementia, perhaps you should take her to see a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric one. I firmly believe all dementia patients should be evaluated by a geriatric physician, including a psychiatrist as there are many helpful treatments available at this point of time. They are not perfect, but they do help. That, of course, is if you have the money, and if you have health insurance, which we know is a mess in this country. Not a very good time to be sick. Competence even within the medical profession is hard to find today.
My mother once called me and told me a strange man was trying to get in the house, she was scared, and didn't know where Dad was. Dad was the man trying to get in his own house.
jealousy. How wicked of you not to want to share your love with your mother at her age. She obviously trusts him and openly likes him. If she loves you both she may feel comfortable loving both of you. He is like a son to her. In my mind flirting is just having fun...making someone smile. It's fine if just sees this as a jesture of love and trust, and not respond to it as sexual in nature. He could gently chide her and tease her about her aging in response, or just hug her you know! Whatever works. Lighten up...your Mom won't be around for long.
That is a very serious matter and should be taken up with the facility or an attorney. My comment was about elderly moms flirting with men.
Talk to nursing home staff and they will tell you the romance venue at any of the facilities is very busy. The patients are active, WE are in denial.
He flirts with the young women in his family and so it goes on.
Worried that he might be labelled a 'dirty old man'