What do I say to my Mom when she asks me to take her home from the nursing home? - AgingCare.com

What do I say to my Mom when she asks me to take her home from the nursing home?

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My Mom has been in the nursing home since Feb. She is wheelchair bound and cannot stand up by herself. She, also, suffers from dementia, incontinence and osteoporosis. It, now takes 2 people to stand her up, but, she thinks she is fine, so she begs me to take her home, which I can't do. It breaks my heart that I can't let her go home. My Dad is at home, but, he also, suffers from dementia and he can no longer take care of her. What can I say to her that will help.

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You have tried everything. You can't reason with a person with dementia. Ask the NH how she does after you leave. Is she still carrying on or does she come out of it? When I would drop off my son at preschool two mornings a week, (he was 3, he is 34 now) he would cry and cling to my leg. His teacher assured me that he snaps right out of it as soon as I go. Sure enough, I would make the good bye short and close the door. His crying would stop about 2 seconds later. The whole show was for my benefit. Try this. Make the good bye short and sweet. Then ask the NH about it.
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To sunflo2, yes I make sure that my Dad sees my Mom in the Nh every day. My husband and I are the only ones who are taking care of them
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to answer your question geewiz,
you might have to blameshift . tell her doc will not release her to go home , her health is being monitored and med adjustment being made etc . most of all listen to her . no one else IS ..
im the only sob listening to my aunt and the sight of me each day is a relief to her. everybody wants to be heard .
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elders may need NH at a point but if you mentally trade places with them , its a p[retty sucky life . im quoting aunt edna from earlier today " boy this isnt much of a life " ..
i know you cant believe everything a dementia patient says but she told me she was parked in front of the nurse station folding towels all day . they brought her more towels and told her they couldnt take her to pee at the moment but someone would be around shortly . of course , she could always sit and pee in her adult diaper . i believe her story . the staff does a pretty good job but 3 of em put together wouldnt break 100 on an iq test ..
just sayin it like i see it .
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Sorry to hear this and know you are distressed that you can't reason with her but that is futile given her mental condition. Keep reinforcing that "let's talk about it when the doctor comes". Make sure doctors and care staff are reinforcing message "Mrs Smith, you aren't ready to go yet, but you're making good progress, etc". Make sure they aren't telling her something different? Is dad able to come see her and visit to spend his time with her? That too may help reassure her.

Other than white lies to her, you will just have to either keep up the white lies or tell her the truth whether she accepts or not. If you aren't up to it, take a break from the visiting and enlist sibs or friends to maybe visit while you take a break now and again.
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Yes, every time I see my mother for the last year, I get the same question. However, now I am greeted with the additional statement, of "I want to die." She says it every few minutes while I am visiting her. There is no redirecting. I just try to visit when she is having a meal, so we can talk about something else.
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OK, I have tried to redirect her, but she keeps coming back to the same thing especially when I tell her that I have to go. She will not read a magazine or participate in any activities. I've tried telling her that she needs more therapy or that the doctor has has not released her. I've tried telling her I can't lift her into my car and she tells me that she can get into the car be herself, even though she can't. She tells me that Therapy and/or the Doctor has said she can go home, so why won't I take her home. She gets angry when I try to change the subject and she even has a new obsession and that is the my Dad is having an affair. I know that he had an affair 65 years ago, but she thinks it is happening now. I tell her that he loves her and that he is at my home and is not sleeping with anyone else, but she obsesses over that, too. She doesn't want to do anything or talk about anything except these 2 things. I hurts me to see her hurt herself with these delusions. My Dad doesn't even remember the affair, so he has no idea what she is talking about. It's just hard. Is Anyone else dealing with this.
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geewiz is right. Redirection is really the only thing that can get someone with dementia off the topic. I have a patient I see who's in a nursing home. She has dementia and she tells me that she wants to go home. When I assessed her I asked her questions about her previous home. She began talking about the home she lived in with her parents when she was a girl. I knew she had been a teacher and had lived in the same community for years as an adult but that information was no longer available to her. Her entire adulthood is gone from her memory. When she sees me she knows it's time for her regular assessment and she has a litany of complaints which agitate her so I bring a magazine I know she likes and I always have a few topics in mind that we can chat about.

You can tell your mom that she needs more therapy before she can go home or that they want to get her back on her feet before she can leave. These are little white lies that we tell our loved ones to protect them and give us some peace as well.
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You might try diversion tactics. They often work with dementia patients.. For example, Mom the doctor wants to see how you do on a new medicine, or we are waiting for a special bed to be delivered so you will be comfortable, etc. Often with dementia, they aren't even speaking of the 'home' that was most recent. They are in a different part of their lives, for my Mom it was the home she grew up in! If you can get her interested in another topic, she may drop it. Bring a magazine to your visits and look at all the pretty photos.
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