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She cannot live alone or bathe or cook any longer, and she is happy in her new home. But I don’t want to hurt her by not moving her out or by not taking her out daily as she seems to expect when covid restrictions are over. I’m a little fearful of too much fall-hazard activity. She wants to go shopping.
Bear in mind some days she’s much more lucid than others, but advice is needed on how to explain she’s not really capable of what she dreams of.

I would not take your mom shopping right now, but I would take her for a scenic ride, have takeout or go for ice cream. Point is you will have quality time together and she will have something to look forward to. I take my 98 year old mother out a few times per week and it does her the world of good. Pick a nice sunny day and go and enjoy the time you have with your mother. She must be feeling good to want to go shopping. Take a chance and make some happy memories.
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Reply to earlybird
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Just tell her you can't go out because other people have not been vaccinated yet, and you need to wait until everyone is vaccinated because even if you have had vaccine you can still become ill - not as ill, but ill. These things are not 100% effective and you can find a way to play on that and on the people not yet vaccinated to put things off for months.
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Reply to TaylorUK
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Do not even attempt to explain or reason with these people - it is impossible and will accomplish nothing. Instead - deflect and pretend to plan something down the road. Then change the subject. Don't even try.
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Reply to Rusty2166
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Invisible Mar 1, 2021
"these people"?
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Don’t take her off the grounds or else they’ll blame you for any little decline...wait for warmer weather & take her to sit outside for an hour...believe me ...I used to take my mother out to Macy’s & never took her out of wheelchair...back & forth with access a ride...2 weeks later I walked into see mom & she had swollen & black & blue left hand...they tried blaming me for taking her out to Macy’s 2 weeks before!!! Just stay on grounds of her facility. Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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Why would you move her out if she is happy and being well-cared for where she is?

The COVID risk is lessened with vaccine, but it is not eliminated. There is little data so far on the efficacy of the vaccine against new variants, and even newer variants continue to evolve.

Continue COVID cautions for now and decide on outings with your mother only if they can be arranged safely.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Maybe you should explain to he that though you guys have been vaccinated doesn't mean that that is is the end of it. Herd immunity doesn't happen directly after the mass vaccinations. It's going to take a few years before this pandemic has been eradicated and it is safe to once again enter society safely. Read this article, maybe it will help clarify what Dr Fauci has been warning us about:

https://www.advisory.com/daily-briefing/2021/02/01/pandemic-end
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Reply to Sloyce3443
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Imho, you could set boundaries, e.g. "Mom, I am available to take you shopping on Monday." As well, your mother should attempt to realize that just because she was fortunate enough to receive her vaccine, that not everyone has received one. Prayers sent.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Just because you both got vaccines does not mean you can not get COVID-19. It means that any COVID-19 infection will be less hazardous and hopefully shorter and easier. So use those facemasks, hand sanitizers, and social distancing techniques. Small steps always. Do things together that you feel comfortable with doing. Your mom may be just as happy with a walk outside and sharing a treat. Creating shared moments is more important than where you go.
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Reply to Taarna
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I would love to take her anywhere she would like to go safely, of course. I understand how difficult and stressful that it is for you, please trust me. I know it's extremely emotionally exhausting and overwhelming! However, please understand, just like our children as newborn babies, in the blink of an eye she will be gone and you will regret your fears over time spent seeing her smiling and happy.
Just put limits on the outings such as only to a park, a walk, a Sonic for ice cream or to have her hair done. Wear 2 face masks and gloves. Use hand sanitizer upon entry and existing any stores. Really, it's gonna be okay honey. Have a wonderful time with your mother while you can. I would give anything in this world for just one more minute with my mother! 🙄
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Invisible Mar 1, 2021
Yay! An answer I agree with! We have all been through a very isolating year and it has been particularly hard on those confined in assisted living and long term care. Why would you NOT want to reward your mother with some bonding time together? If you are worried about falls, purchase a transport wheelchair from Walgreens and go, go, go. You will never regret spending the time you have left together.
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I've been there. My mom was in a nursing home with dementia. It wasn't advanced. She wanted to go out daily. I hired a health aide agency who did it for me when I couldn't. But it wasn't enough & she was too active for the nursing home. They started drugging her up through her doctor & nobody told me. She called me over 70x a day. I eventually had her go back home & live with 24 hr health aides, after 5 yrs she lives with me now. Regarding shopping, she didn't fall if she pushed a cart but eventually she couldn't walk that much so we do pick up shopping now. Car drives can be enough just so she can get out. You can pick her up an ice cream cone & go to a dog park to watch activity. We even used to just park by the street at sonic to watch cars & people. We played 1940's music in the car on the Pandora app & we called her friends & family almost daily on speakerphone so I could help with the conversation & now facetime since she only can talk mostly gibberish now. There will come a time when she doesn't want to leave the house anymore so try to appreciate what is still there of her. It does slowly slip away.
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Reply to Kelkel
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I don't know what restrictions the dementia unit has, but can you plan activities you think she can handle and substitute them for shopping? Just say, "I can't take you shopping right now, but would you like to take a walk?"
My mother-in-law's caregivers used to take her out for drives or to a local park. My mom won't go in a car because it bothers her arthritis so much, but I and her caregivers take her out around the retirement community. She likes to shop at the second-hand store and the little pharmacy. She also liked to order things from catalogs until they got overwhelming and I had to cancel them all.
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Reply to Cynthiasdaughtr
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As a general rule, any move for older people is stressful and can cause anxieties. It may be best to let her stay where she is, if she is happy there. My mother has been in a memory care facility for a few years. It now takes a village to care for her, as her capabilities have declined. My mother never could learn to use a walker when she began to fall more often. Then she forgot how to walk and now has to be taken around in a wheel chair. If your mother is still lucid, can you take her shopping to small shops that won't be overwhelming? Look for places where she can sit and just people-watch. Can she still go out to have a meal in a restaurant? When my mother was semi-lucid I tried to take her shopping, but found that it was necessary to watch her 100% of the time. She'd wander off, if I didn't do that. Play it by ear and do things that are within her capabilities. If you have other things that you have to do, it may not be necessary to visit her daily. Most facilities arrange activities and entertainment for residents. Hopefully she'll make friends in the facility.
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Reply to NYCdaughter
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I would definitely try and take her out and see how it goes. Perhaps she will realize it’s to physically difficult for her and she may just get too exhausted. This would work in your favor and perhaps she will only be able to do it once or twice a week and need the rest of the week to recover. So in my opinion it doesn’t hurt to try and she deserves it at the least. I don’t anticipate the outing to be more than a couple hours including travel. So maybe hire a caregiver to do this activity with her. Regardless who takes her definitely use a wheelchair.
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Reply to Moluv4
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I'd take her anywhere she wanted to go within reason. If I had to do it all over again, I would've taken Dad & dog out even more often than I did. They became hermits eventually and that was worse for them for depression. My brother & his wife ceased the Sunday early bird meal gathering,so that was one less outing Dad had, he was sharp enough to pick up on that. I didn't care so much to be included or not, but they were 7 miles away and really stopped coming by unless it was their little assessment & convenience.
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Reply to Jimbo99
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Invisible Mar 1, 2021
Boredom is the worst.
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“Yes, I know you want to go shopping Mom, but we still have to wait till everyone else gets their shots. It’s still not safe!”

Just keep kicking it down the road.
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Reply to BeckyT
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Agree with CM. Don't go looking for trouble.

My mom has been 100% 'locked down' for a year. She is allowed by YB to sit in the car in the parking lot of the grocery store for 1 hr every other week. He won't even allow any of us to take her on a drive out to just get out of the house--get a burger, whatever.

Now she's developed a kind of agoraphobia and states she doesn't want to go anywhere--actually didn't get her 1st covid shot until last week and she's 91. YB just wouldn't schedule it.

I think this has become the new norm for a lot of elderly people. My MIL had to be dragged to get her shot...poor SIL took her. MIL stated she's never leaving her house again, ever. Both these women have anxiety up the wazoo--it's so sad. I'm sure they aren't alone in that.

Having dementia brings a whole new set of challenges. You're just going to need to wait and see what kind of person your mom comes out of this--she may not even WANT to leave her place.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Invisible Mar 1, 2021
Well, it's no surprise. We scared the bejeevers out of them.
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For a start, I should wait until she actually asks.

You say she is looking forward to restrictions being over so that she can go out, go shopping, see people and all that amazing crazy stuff that we all of us remember so fondly. But although you've both been vaccinated, she's not complaining about still staying safe yet, is she? - so wait until she asks particular questions, and then give her truthful answers.

And perhaps one truth is that this is less to do with Covid and more to do with your fear of her falling? Get some training! And a lightweight, folding wheelchair that you can keep in your car.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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DonDoernerCET, try posting in a new topic. I’ll bet you’ll get lots of help. This situation you describe sounds horrible. I’m praying for you!
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Reply to ConnieCCH
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How do you know she is happy? I have been trying to see my wife at Cedarcroft Nursing Home in Stratford since September last year. I don't even care if I get COVID. I love my wife and they will not let me see her or even talk to her. She is unable to use the phone by herself due to Dementia. There has to be something that can be done that we are able to see our loved ones even if it is through a glass enclosure with a speaker that we talk to each other. Prisoners in prison are treated better than seniors. Most of the people on my wife's floor are starving because they don't give the older people time to eat. When I was allowed to go and visit I used to feed my wife at least 3 times a week to make sure she received something to eat. I am married to my wife for 24 years and I am not allowed to see her --- what a shame . It is almost a crime.
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Reply to DonDoernerCET
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Grandma1954 Feb 27, 2021
You may not care if you get COVID but what of the people that you might infect when you expose other residents you come in contact with?
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I would keep it simple and repeat the simple answer each time she asks. It’s not safe yet, as soon as it is we’ll talk about it. Too much explaining just confuses them.
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Reply to Birdymom
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My mom and aunt are bored to tears. No hobbies or interests. They do love going for a ride with family just to look around.
They are taken to a drive through for a lunch treat or a frosty or some kind.
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Reply to InFamilyService
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Can you explain to her that others have not gotten their shots yet? And can you explain that while she got a shot for the first COVID there are others that they are starting to find out about.? And can you explain that while it MIGHT be less likely that she could get sick SHE could give the virus to someone else? And can you explain that when she goes out she still must wear a mask and keep away from people?
Not sure how much she understands but maybe some of that will help.
I would wait until the facility allows residents to go out and not have to be quarantined when they return. And do they or will they quarantine residents that have received their vaccine? (the vaccine is not 100% effective)
Ask the facility if they would allow you to take her out for a drive then return without getting mom out of the car.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Have the Unit opened up for outings. My sister is in a long-term care facility. everyone has been vaccinated but they are waiting for CDC guidelines -- so there are still no outings
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Reply to MsRandall
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careinhome Feb 27, 2021
If you wait for CDC guidelines, you could still be waiting until 2030. Vaccinated is vaccinated.
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If she can get in and out of a wheelchair, she can go shopping.

If what she picks out doesn't fit, you can return it.

Mat each she just has fun going window shopping.

Let her know how much time you have like you can take her on an outing once a week.

If you aren't able to put her wheelchair in your car, then schedule for a wheelchair cab pick ya'll up.
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Reply to bevthegreat
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The risks or non-risks of Covid really aren't the issue here.

What I'll bet is really going on is that she's bored. She's looking for something different to do, because like the rest of us, she's been locked down for a year. Everyone is stir-crazy.

Once she's able to be taken out (if she's able to do even that), a drive and a fast-food run may well be enough. Just you being able to come visit her in her place may be enough. Bring her a piece of pie, or in my mom's case, I would bring her a chile relleno and we'd eat Mexican food together out in the courtyard at her place. (Nursing homes don't serve Mexican food -- who knew? :-) )

Just try to find a way to mix things up for her to make some days a little different than the others. If she isn't physically able to "go shopping," find other things in her scope of ability that can be done.
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Reply to MJ1929
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jacobsonbob Feb 27, 2021
Actually, the one in which my mother spent several years DID serve Mexican food--or at least an imitation of it--every week or so. My mother, who never liked anything spicy, rarely ate any of it.
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It will be a while before this Country opens up completely. Restrictions will still be in place and masks still worn. The vaccine is not a guarantee. They have no idea how well or how long it will work. I have a feeling its going to be like the flu, its going to be a yearly shot.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Dr. Fauci has very recently said that until we know whether vaccinated people can spread covid even though it's unlikely they can become ill from it, we need to observe pretty much the same precautions as previously. In particular, no eating in restaurants and no going to indoor places with people not masked and socially distanced. If your mother goes out to a lot of places, she may thus spread covid to others if she is exposed. We should apparently know in a few months.

Perhaps you could find his statements online and casually show them to your mother before she even asks about going on outings; just get her used to the idea that we still need to be extremely careful even after we've been vaccinated. I know a friend of mine and I had been planning on going out for dinner after 14 days had passed since my last vaccination (she's had hers for some time because she's a health care worker), but now we're not going to do it. I do go to places where I might be exposed--mainly grocery store, pharmacy, and medical appts., and right along my biggest concern has been the possibility of exposing others. I live in an independent-living retirement community where I am one of the youngest residents. We've been careful for so long I think we can handle some additional months being concerned for the health of others while we ourselves know we're probably protected. Hopefully, your mother will buy into that argument.
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Reply to caroli1
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My mother's Memory Care AL still has not lifted any of the visiting restrictions in spite of the fact that the vaccinations have been administered! If and when the time comes that the residents are allowed to go out again, I don't plan to take my mother out b/c she's wheelchair bound and it's just too stressful for us AND for her, frankly. Right now, she's very confused thinking she has to be somewhere each evening, to take care of children and whatnot, so I tell her that there's a virus going round and we're ALL restricted to staying home for the time being. I tell her this every night, she's fine with it, we move on.

When the time comes to go out again, if you want to take your mom shopping, maybe you can set a date once a month or something like that and plan an outing for a couple of hours, lunch & a bit of shopping. See how it goes, play it by ear, etc. If she's a fall risk or gets anxiety ridden, then cancel the next planned outing. Just have a bunch of 'stories' lined up in your repertoire about why you can't take her out and she'll likely be fine with whatever you tell her. Every day is a brand new day with those suffering from dementia, so it's quite easy to convince them of whatever we need to. You can even tell her you have a headache that day...........whatever works, right?

Best of luck; I know how dreadful this whole dementia thing truly IS!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Riverdale Feb 27, 2021
If your weather is complaint do you consider taking her outside with her in her wheelchair of course just to get a different perspective? My mother is new to the NH environment but I am wondering if this is something I should consider.
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I'm unclear by the wording in your post. Is she already pressing you daily for these outings or are you just thinking that she might, now that you've had your vaccines?(and if the latter is the case, why are you worrying about something that may never happen?) Since you've both had the vaccines, there should be no reason why you can't take her out and about every now and again. We all have been cooped up for way too long, and the fact that your mom is in her 90's, I'm sure she would like to spend time with you having some fun. Don't we all just want to have a little more fun after the sucky year we just went through? I'm guessing at the age of 91, she probably can't go for long anyway, so I certainly wouldn't worry too much about this. Just enjoy whatever time you have left with her.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Perhaps emphasizing the continued restrictions. A mask must be worn,possible wait in a line if there are already too many in a store. I have witnessed the waits although there are less of them. Would she be more content if you took her to lunch in an allowable place? If shopping at one store would cure her desires then maybe you could do that but just make sure she knows you are not up to going numerous places. Maybe she will forget it all or the facility may still have restrictions regarding residents needing to quarantine regardless of the vaccine. My mother has had both but at this point I cannot get it until I turn 65 in July which is supposedly when everyone else can.
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