Mom and death wish; not sure what to do anymore?

There is a book called “Being Mortal, Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande.
You can find interviews he’s given online. Frontline did a documentary on it.

Google this book and read a bit about it online. I think it might help you.

She is both. At 96 and knock on wood if most of us are able to live that long, she is down. At 70 you can lie and say, I'm going to see 90, because denial is a happy place, but not at 96. 96 is the age where each day is a blessing and they, if they still have their minds, know this. Then a broken hip and not being able to move? Ugh, yup, depression will really grab hold. I am a caregiver with a soft tissue injury to my foot, makes me MAD and DEPRESSED as I can't go at my usual speed, at 96 times that feeling by 30 fold.

She may not have lost interest in EVERYTHING, you might just not have figured out what she might like, depending on her past interests. Does she like to look at photos and talk about the past? Play a card game or do a puzzle. Is she the curious type who might want to talk to an Alexa or try using a tablet, if only to look at photos that she can swipe with her finger. Maybe its time for a 200+cable channel service, find some older movies as I, even at my much younger age can agree with I CANT WATCH THAT. What I did for the one I am caring for, was (he does have a puter in his room) is I found some youtube videos that were like sea shores and forests with relaxing music and he NEVER would find stuff like that on his own, let alone use youtube and I put it on. One of those 12 hours of endless relaxing whatever. Next thing I know he was absolutely captivated by it full screen. Maybe a pet, or get a new pet that can be crated and not underfoot but that she can hold and interact with. They even have those fake yet very realistic fur pet-toys, FOR ANY AGE. They purr and all that and move. Maybe -weather depending-some taking her out for a stroll or to a store, no reason why she can't go in a wheelchair if you have the transport.

We all have guilt, that's perfectly normal. I am caregiving for my partner now of 20 years and I HATE EVER MINUTE most days. (Dementia) Though I also cared for both my parents end of life (15 years ago), and at that age I was still wanting to "Do my thang" and it was hard. What's harder though is living with the regrets over my mom especially that (she was NH end of life and so badly she wanted to be with me.) I was not there enough, that I could not keep her at home, I did not visit enough. What I wouldn't give now to hold her hand.

Your mom is sounding like the end is near, but don't let her leave with you having regrets. Take your ME TIME, chill time, do your own thing time, but also make an effort to try to be with her, even if it means being in her room and tossing around ideas of things that might put a little light back in her eyes. Maybe she wants and NEEDS to talk about her mom and dad, that usually happens when death is near, let her. Be an ear. But do nothing at the expense of yourself either. I have cams now so I can check into THE ROOM, and I have also, though a computer junkie learned again the art of just sitting and reading a good book.

You and your husband have the gift of being in HER home. You will probably GET her home when she passes. But its still hers. Maybe it holds memories she still wants to relive or reveal to you, encourage her. Not saying that you are (but many kids become this way) Don't be a vulture. I think its GREAT that someone of 96 is able to be in their OWN HOME. You may be the caregiver but you are also a guest. Most states can easily send in elder care or hospice if they do not approve of the care or they even sniff a "Vulture".

I think when you look back, after she has passed, you will find that you were not angry with HER, you were pre-grieving her loss, grieving you loss of time, lack of help, many things. Yes, I admit it, there comes a point that we JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER so we can get on with our lives. But in my own experience, looking back, I wish I could have slowed down time with my mother. A little self sacrifice now will do you a world of good after she is gone, and DO FEEL FREE to be angry, express it, go throw coffee mugs at a tree

Try to bring simple games got my mom sorting unko cards by color, there are many things online to look at.

Hi Bee1952, You've gotten some great advise here. I hope it gives you some measure of comfort. I have mixed feelings about ramping up your mother's medication, but that's up to you and your family. Might I suggest now is the time to do as much as you can for your self-care, including learning to let go of guilt- perhaps journaling, talking to a dear friend, taking walks with your husband, prayer, someone mentioned yoga. A shift in your perspective to one of acceptance of the situation and compassion for yourself and your mother can make the days brigther. Peace & Blessings.

Beev1952; please listen to llamalover47s advice about seeing a GERIATRIC DOCTOR there is a huge difference in a specialist in GERIATRICS than just a family practitioner that is their speciality what they do is work with elderly and you are normal to get upset with our loved ones when it seems they have thrown in the towel ....do not feel guilty you are a good caregiver Your mom is 96 and has had a long life maybe shes just tired and all the pain makes it worse we do not know how hard it is to have to grasp ahold of every peice of energy we have just to get up in the morning and then to deal with constant PAIN your poor mom at 96 YEARS OLD so very sad for her to be in such agony have you spoke to a chaplin for your own support ,social ,worker, Family, Friend , any one to have support...if not please do and look into hospice for her comfort God Bless you

Since I am a Christian maybe reading the bible to her like the chapter of Palms to help her give hope and calm her down. Also, talking about Jesus and how he died for us so we can live with him forever in heaven. Or if your uncomfortable with talking about all of that maybe call a minister from a local church to minister to your mom.

My mom was like this for a while. I lost her this past Tuesday. Her last word was to us when we told her we knew she was exhausted and it was time for her to rest and let us take over and see to her comfort since we loved her. She strained to say it but finally said GGGGOOOOOOOO. We said our good byes and left after spending that last day with her. She waited till we were all gone then she went home to her mom and family. She was smiling when she left too.
So, your mom may be preparing to enter her eternal rest also. It hurts when we get upset but it will happen. We still are searching to see if there was something more we could do. There wasn't. We did what we were able to do and spent time with her every week.
I pray your mom finds peace and so do you.

Please see that she sees a geriatric psychiatrist because her depression CAN BE HELPED. And see if new pain medication can help her. She may be predicting her own demise. My late mother did.

I think it’s difficult to say if she’s giving up. She must be very disheartened. I can only imagine how it must feel to suddenly find yourself permanently wheelchair-bound. I’m sure there would be a period of morning the loss of ability, and a further blow to her independence too. Is she in pain? If so, I would say that needs to be addressed right away. I know its upsetting to hear a loved one say they want to die. She may be feeling hopeless right now. Given time, she may rally. It’s hard to say.

Beev,

You have received very good, realistic and caring advice here.

I’d just suggest to try a few things to see if they help, One would be a more effective medication for her pain. Her doctor should be able to work with her and you on that.

Secondly, you can try getting her on antidepressants; many people on this site have mentioned that antidepressants have literally changed their loved ones life.

Third, when someone is so deep in the depression hole as your mom seems to be and like my mom has been for a very long time, they tend to reject the idea of going out or basically doing anything outside their self destructive routine which is filled with nothing but sad and negative thoughts. What I’ve learned may work is to engage them in a conversation about something they like to talk about, which in my mom’s case is her previous life, her younger years!
Even if I have heard the story many times before, I listen to her attentively, and laugh if appropriate or seem surprised if there is something that a person listening to the story for the first time would be surprised about.
Without realizing it, she gets into her own story and laughs too, or simply relives a time of her life when she felt she was an independent and very capable woman. Normally she has at least several better hours afterwards a little out of what I call the black and deep hole of depression. Maybe you could try the same, just make sure that your interest is and seems real so she can feel encouraged to talk to you.

Plus, I think that even if we have heard the same stories before, it is a great opportunity to enjoy a moment with your mom.

Lastly, I will advise to you what I am trying to put in practice myself: Put yourself in your mom’s shoes. And then remember how you felt and what you thinked about when you put yourself in your mom’s shoes every time you feel angry, tired or desperate.

Realistically Beev, this is a precious time for you to be with your mom. I know this is very hard, very hard. But it is what it is and we need to come to terms with the reality of our lives. Try to comprehend that every and any feeling or emotion you experience through this is perfectly understandable and explainable. Put your guilt aside, you are doing your best, actually your husband and you are doing your best. These are extremely hard times when you need to learn to treat yourself with as much love and consideration as what you should be treating your mom with.

One step at a time, all is doable, all is possible. :)

Hi Beev.
This is a difficult time for you and your mother both. It sounds as if you love your mother very much and want what is best for her. Kudos to you for that. Obviously she has lived well and been well cared for, or she would not have reached such an advanced age, kudos to you for that as well!

But now things have changed and she is reaching a time of transition. She is, as others here have said, probably in pain, and no longer able to move about as she once could. She sees that her life going forward is not going to be as it has in the past, so she is looking toward other things to anticipate - as you said, being with her loved ones who have gone before her rather than the living. These are probably not sad thoughts for her, although they may be alarming to you.

Her faith or beliefs along these lines may actually be very comforting to her and she may wish to dwell on them rather than on TV episodes, which may seem shallow and inane to her now. Perhaps she would like to take this time to share memories with you. Maybe a video recording of her telling her family stories and life adventures would become a family treasure to share with grandchildren some day. This could become a peaceful, shared time between the two of you as you both move toward acceptance.

Instead of trying to change how she feels, my advice is to try to change the way you feel. Seek grace and serenity to accept and understand that whatever she's feeling is okay and normal. You don't have to make her happy. Just try to keep her comfortable if you can. You're doing fine.

It is really hard but I would advice you just listen to her. Get out of guilt. It should be okay to vent her feelings, just it in my opinion with my mom. Yes we are Christian but she wants to be with Dad again. I believe he will be there. We can't change what they think but I tell you every step into Mom's dementia (blessed because she is kind because she knew the Lord). No hard on all of use but realize where she is now isn't in her brain anymore. Yes frustration but you need to take time for yourself. I was totally done one night, I went to a nearby hotel. I sept like a baby, I was about me for one night. It help me get back to me. Just a small respite can make a difference. Hope this helps. Revised issues after a night of taking care of yourself.

my mom has always had depression and is taking meds for it, but since her fall (hip fracture) in July she has been in a rapid decline. She told me one day that she just wanted to die. And I told her that I understand. But her health continues to decline and she tells me, you see? You understand? And finally dr referred to hospice. And when she complains now, hospice helps her feel a bit more comfortable. That’s all we can do.

I have depression too and that is what I would want. And yes, I’m taking meds, did years of therapy. It has not helped. I now do yoga, meditation and best of all ‘sensory therapy’ (which I do with mom) if she is up to it.

My life last year was just like this. Mom passed the end of July. This year has been hard. I am sleeping better, as I hardly got any sleep while she was like your mom. Can only pray for you. I did get some help for a few weeks and my husband and I got away a few times to give me a breather. But it is just hard. I am glad you are there for her, It's no picnic for her either.

This is so not unusual and in fact it's the usual sequelae of falling, breaking a bone and being so dependent that your life is no longer what it was. She's facing a loss and wanting to go as her purpose is over. My dad is the exact same way. She's lived a very long life and if I was her I'd be ready to go. It's normal in fact to feel this way. Death is often wished for by the frail and elderly. Let her know you understand, never try to tell her to not express it and tell her it's ok to feel that way. Acceptance is easier for you as well...guilt is unnecessary. They lose interest in most of their past pleasures, even TV.

It's my belief that the soul survives the physical death. It does give me some comfort knowing that death is not the end but the beginning of another existence.

Your mom is ready to leave her broken body behind and be free. She seems to have made peace with it. The longer she is in her current state of being, the longer she suffers. Let her go. We will all have to take that step eventually.

Hi, this sounds like a very difficult position and I’m sure hard for everybody involved. The only thing that I can think of is to just take it one day at a time. Acknowledge her wishes and dreams, help her to talk about her mom and dad maybe that will make her feel better. Take it one hour at a time and one day at a time. I would recommend hiring outside help, babysitters, neighbors etc. to spend time with her so she’s not alone. Hugs to you

Beev1952 ; sad to hear but this happens and I can tell you that I would contact Hospice if you havent already do not think of it end of life but as comfort and remember your mom is mourning the loss of her own abilities and independence and all of that is gone forever!!Yes I beleive you are right in both aspects !!antidepressents and anti anxiety meds may help if you havent already tried and I really want to say I put my Aunt on Hospice it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest I am so releived to know that the hospice team is here to help me whenever I may need them and my aunt is receiveing more help and care and comfort !! Hospice is a major help and releif !! I put my aunt on Vitas hospice and I control her meds they are REALLY GREAT ! GOOD LUCK !!PRAYERS TO YOU

I cannot offer a solution, my deepest apologies, but though it is not consolation, my parents are at that age where they can go to eternity any time now. Then, scary for me the idea of becoming first generation myself, and soon maybe, my cousins. If you would like, I will pray with you.
All I can offer is, if she goes to sleep soon, just remind yourself that as painful as it is, at least she is not suffering without quality of life anymore. But I understand your point. Losing a parent you love is something you can never prepare for. The idea of you, if there are any grandbabies, great x2 or any great x3 grandbabies, their grief.
Let me know, and if you want, I will attempt to pray for her healing.

She definitely sounds depressed, and it’s a reasonable situation to be unhappy about. It sounds like she needs other activities to stimulate her mind and interest. After the client I worked with went into rehab, when she came home she was always depressed for anywhere from a month to three months. It was difficult dealing with that, but it does pass. Keep yourself afloat with emotional and mental Support. It would frustrate me, and I would feel guilty too, That’s why the support For you, and patience with her is important until she can get past this. Incorporate other activities for her. Outings - Even if it is just a drive. children’s crafts were a delight for her sometimes. take her out for a stroll around the block. Breaking it up helps. be creative! Anything that works, works. God bless and good luck

The sad thing is after an elderly person breaks a hip death usually follows within a year or so. This happened to my mother who was much younger than your mother. Mom has many other health problems but had always been able to bowl, which she loved to do. After she had healed from her break she found out she could no longer bowl. This really upset her as this was a great part of her social life. I believed that this was the beginning of her downfall. Her other health issues started to take a rapid toll on her.
My father who had Alzheimer’s fractured his leg falling out of bed, he was gone in three weeks. I don’t tell you all this to be cruel I just want you to understand and be prepared for your mom to go join her parents. Broken bones are hard on the elderly. Love to you and your family.

I really don't have any advice except that you are not alone in your feelings. Your story is my story too with my mom. She had a major stroke at age 90. She went from totally independent to totally dependent with the loss of function on her right side. Recently she was moved from skilled nursing to assisted living. Since I live close I am able to visit everyday. I never know what to expect, some days she is positive, other days she is so unhappy and according to her everybody hates her and nothing makes her happy. She can't stay interested in anything and says she should not be in this situation. I am totally mentally exhausted. I feel guilty because I want my life back. My husband and I finally have the time to travel and we are stuck at home. I don't want to burden my kids having to visit her daily, they work and have busy lives.
I know she appreciates my help as she does thank me every single day. I hope once she adjusted a bit to her new surroundings it will be easier for her, and I told her a couple days ago that once she is settled that I may not be able to come everyday that I do need to take care of some of my own business. She seemed to understand.

She's tired and depressed. And perhaps feeling trapped. Think about her interests when she was younger. Do her grandchildren visit? That almost always made my mother smile. Also what is you are watching? Try things that are funny, silly, or that she finds interesting. Towards the end, my mother enjoyed programs about animals and nature, "Curious George," the Kratt Brothers cartoon, music tv station with pretty pictures of natural scenes.

Honestly, your mother is transistioning. It's hard to accept and you won't emotionally. But intellectually, you have to try.

Two things to do now: first, consider and call a good hospice provider; second, find a support group for you and possibly your husband.

Mom might choose to stop eating. If so, there’s no denying it: she’s ready to go.

Regardless, I agree with the others who suggest a hospice evaluation. At at this point, Mom’s comfort is the #1 priority.

We all get hung up on our parents “getting better” and “making progress” and “bouncing back from XXXX.” Inevitably, there is an event that negates all that.

Sounds like Mom is there — and Mom has accepted it. Don’t take Mom’s resignation personally.

Forget all the woulds-coulds-shoulds, and focus on love.

That could well be treatable depression. We were sure my Mom had days or a week to live over the summer. Wanted nothing to do with people or food. Anti-depressants turned that around as did weaning her off other sedative meds.
She was in similar frame of mind in October. She was taken off more meds, my youngest sister came to visit for a weekend from out of state. I think the operative change was minimal sedative meds. We all rotate visiting her at the Home throughout the week. Her sister also helps with that.

Peace! For yourself, always try to maintain a level of normal lifestyle! Your mental health is also vital.

Do the fun things that you want to do and bring her a long. They can be simple things like going to nice bakery, or look at the Christmas decorations in the city, something fun that you enjoy. Don't worry about her if she is negative, just enjoy it and still love the heck out of her. In time, she's going to come around and you're going to have fun & enjoyment in life (so will she). LOVE LIFE AND SO WILL SHE.

What is so wrong about wanting to die? In your mom's situation it seems like a normal response. Perhaps an evaluation by hospice would help both of you in her final transition.

Put her in her wheelchair and take her out of that room to roam her own home. Interact with her regularly so that she doesnt just sit there and think about just her parents. She may think that you are keeping her away from her parents. Bring her up to date to where she is and become her companion.

i would have her evaluated for hospice or palliative care to ease her transition to end of life. At 96 with a broken hip she must certainly be in pain.
Pain is exhausting for those suffering with it - emotionally and physically. It probably takes all her strength to do whatever she does these days.
As hard as it is for us, we have to accept that death is a natural progression of life. It will happen.
Try to focus on her comfort and call her PCP to request a hospice evaluation or at least palliative care. Once you’ve made this step & she is accepted, pain relief will be provided for her and she may very well pass away.
Its ok to let your mother go. She’s lived a full life.

Breaking of the hip is very serious in the elderly. Yes, she could be depressed and there are meds for it.

Look at this from Moms perspective. She is 96 so most of her friends, if not all, are gone. She has to have some pain and sitting in a wheelchair cannot be comfortable. If she has Dementia she probably realizes something is just not right. And she has a bad heart on top of that so she is probably tired a lot. You may see it as trying to be "uplifting" but she may see it as "please let me be". Be loving. Ask if there is anything you can do? You may want to call Hospice in for an evaluation.

Why do you feel guilty? Because you don't know what to do? I know, its hard but you need to let her do it her way.

It may be Moms time. I believe they know it. My Dad did and he passed a week later in his sleep. You have had Mom longer than most people have had a parent. Be glad for that. Let her go with no regrets.