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96 year old Mom broke her hip in August (inoperable as her heart won't take surgery), wheelchair bound. She is consistently thinking about her Mom & Dad and has dreams begging to be with them. She's lost all interest in everything and I can't seem to get her uplifted. I feel bad she has come to this, but I also get angry with her when she's this way...which again I have guilt. Not sure what to do anymore....she will watch tv for about 5 minutes then tell me she can't watch that stuff...I cannot sit in her room for hours doing nothing so I do leave her room, do other things and come back to check. I should have said my husband and I live with her to keep her in her home. Any thoughts if this is a sign of her giving up or probably depressed?

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Breaking of the hip is very serious in the elderly. Yes, she could be depressed and there are meds for it.

Look at this from Moms perspective. She is 96 so most of her friends, if not all, are gone. She has to have some pain and sitting in a wheelchair cannot be comfortable. If she has Dementia she probably realizes something is just not right. And she has a bad heart on top of that so she is probably tired a lot. You may see it as trying to be "uplifting" but she may see it as "please let me be". Be loving. Ask if there is anything you can do? You may want to call Hospice in for an evaluation.

Why do you feel guilty? Because you don't know what to do? I know, its hard but you need to let her do it her way.

It may be Moms time. I believe they know it. My Dad did and he passed a week later in his sleep. You have had Mom longer than most people have had a parent. Be glad for that. Let her go with no regrets.
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Beev1952 Dec 20, 2018
Thanks so much JoAnn. This is probably spot on and I will let go a bit. Thanks much.
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i would have her evaluated for hospice or palliative care to ease her transition to end of life. At 96 with a broken hip she must certainly be in pain.
Pain is exhausting for those suffering with it - emotionally and physically. It probably takes all her strength to do whatever she does these days.
As hard as it is for us, we have to accept that death is a natural progression of life. It will happen.
Try to focus on her comfort and call her PCP to request a hospice evaluation or at least palliative care. Once you’ve made this step & she is accepted, pain relief will be provided for her and she may very well pass away.
Its ok to let your mother go. She’s lived a full life.
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Beev1952 Dec 20, 2018
Thank you for your thoughts. I will discuss with her Dr. after the holidays.
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What is so wrong about wanting to die? In your mom's situation it seems like a normal response. Perhaps an evaluation by hospice would help both of you in her final transition.
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Tiger55 Dec 22, 2018
Agree with Arleeda. Also, it can be cruel to deny a LO their moment, by insisting on all kinds of interventions. My grandma died @ 86, refusing hospital cuz they wanted 'tests' & feeding tube for her. Today we sometimes prolong their suffering just for ourselves or science.
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She is 96 and no doubt in pain. I think she has accepted the inevitable reality that her time on this earth is drawing to a close. She's tired. She's ready. You are the one who is in denial about this. If you are a reader I urge you to check out Atul Gawande's book Being Mortal
https://www.agingcare.com/products/being-mortal-medicine-and-what-matters-in-the-end-433866.htm
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Beev1952 Dec 20, 2018
Thank you; I will check out this book.
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Mom might choose to stop eating. If so, there’s no denying it: she’s ready to go.

Regardless, I agree with the others who suggest a hospice evaluation. At at this point, Mom’s comfort is the #1 priority.

We all get hung up on our parents “getting better” and “making progress” and “bouncing back from XXXX.” Inevitably, there is an event that negates all that.

Sounds like Mom is there — and Mom has accepted it. Don’t take Mom’s resignation personally.

Forget all the woulds-coulds-shoulds, and focus on love.
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Lizhappens Dec 22, 2018
You and others are stronger than I. I always hope for recovery. God blessed that you can share that head on with her
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It's my belief that the soul survives the physical death. It does give me some comfort knowing that death is not the end but the beginning of another existence.

Your mom is ready to leave her broken body behind and be free. She seems to have made peace with it. The longer she is in her current state of being, the longer she suffers. Let her go. We will all have to take that step eventually.
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Tiger55 Dec 22, 2018
Agree with polarbear
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My mom was like this for a while. I lost her this past Tuesday. Her last word was to us when we told her we knew she was exhausted and it was time for her to rest and let us take over and see to her comfort since we loved her. She strained to say it but finally said GGGGOOOOOOOO. We said our good byes and left after spending that last day with her. She waited till we were all gone then she went home to her mom and family. She was smiling when she left too.
So, your mom may be preparing to enter her eternal rest also. It hurts when we get upset but it will happen. We still are searching to see if there was something more we could do. There wasn't. We did what we were able to do and spent time with her every week.
I pray your mom finds peace and so do you.
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Karsten Dec 24, 2018
sorry about your loss but your story brought me to tears
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She sounds like she is ready to go. I think all you can do is try and make her tradition into the next life as comfortable as you can for her. Gently broach the subject with her. See where her mind is at. Keep us posted.
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She is both. At 96 and knock on wood if most of us are able to live that long, she is down. At 70 you can lie and say, I'm going to see 90, because denial is a happy place, but not at 96. 96 is the age where each day is a blessing and they, if they still have their minds, know this. Then a broken hip and not being able to move? Ugh, yup, depression will really grab hold. I am a caregiver with a soft tissue injury to my foot, makes me MAD and DEPRESSED as I can't go at my usual speed, at 96 times that feeling by 30 fold.

She may not have lost interest in EVERYTHING, you might just not have figured out what she might like, depending on her past interests. Does she like to look at photos and talk about the past? Play a card game or do a puzzle. Is she the curious type who might want to talk to an Alexa or try using a tablet, if only to look at photos that she can swipe with her finger. Maybe its time for a 200+cable channel service, find some older movies as I, even at my much younger age can agree with I CANT WATCH THAT. What I did for the one I am caring for, was (he does have a puter in his room) is I found some youtube videos that were like sea shores and forests with relaxing music and he NEVER would find stuff like that on his own, let alone use youtube and I put it on. One of those 12 hours of endless relaxing whatever. Next thing I know he was absolutely captivated by it full screen. Maybe a pet, or get a new pet that can be crated and not underfoot but that she can hold and interact with. They even have those fake yet very realistic fur pet-toys, FOR ANY AGE. They purr and all that and move. Maybe -weather depending-some taking her out for a stroll or to a store, no reason why she can't go in a wheelchair if you have the transport.

We all have guilt, that's perfectly normal. I am caregiving for my partner now of 20 years and I HATE EVER MINUTE most days. (Dementia) Though I also cared for both my parents end of life (15 years ago), and at that age I was still wanting to "Do my thang" and it was hard. What's harder though is living with the regrets over my mom especially that (she was NH end of life and so badly she wanted to be with me.) I was not there enough, that I could not keep her at home, I did not visit enough. What I wouldn't give now to hold her hand.

Your mom is sounding like the end is near, but don't let her leave with you having regrets. Take your ME TIME, chill time, do your own thing time, but also make an effort to try to be with her, even if it means being in her room and tossing around ideas of things that might put a little light back in her eyes. Maybe she wants and NEEDS to talk about her mom and dad, that usually happens when death is near, let her. Be an ear. But do nothing at the expense of yourself either. I have cams now so I can check into THE ROOM, and I have also, though a computer junkie learned again the art of just sitting and reading a good book.

You and your husband have the gift of being in HER home. You will probably GET her home when she passes. But its still hers. Maybe it holds memories she still wants to relive or reveal to you, encourage her. Not saying that you are (but many kids become this way) Don't be a vulture. I think its GREAT that someone of 96 is able to be in their OWN HOME. You may be the caregiver but you are also a guest. Most states can easily send in elder care or hospice if they do not approve of the care or they even sniff a "Vulture".

I think when you look back, after she has passed, you will find that you were not angry with HER, you were pre-grieving her loss, grieving you loss of time, lack of help, many things. Yes, I admit it, there comes a point that we JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER so we can get on with our lives. But in my own experience, looking back, I wish I could have slowed down time with my mother. A little self sacrifice now will do you a world of good after she is gone, and DO FEEL FREE to be angry, express it, go throw coffee mugs at a tree
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Dianne38 Dec 28, 2018
Cherrysoda, love the handle name btw! I love your sincere input and advice on this post & question. Being a caregiver is such a rollercoaster of emotions. You do feel like your life ( or as u use to know it) has stopped, or slowed to a trickle. Yet, on other hand wouldn't change anything that means more time with loved one. You just can't help but think of your own life and the agenda you would have if you weren't consumed. It's rough but I like how you state to take the time now, so their aren't regrets later. My mom is only 68 but in bad health and I constantly grieve how things use to be. Really can't imagine my life without her, don't even want to. Yet, I try to keep reality in check for my own (partial) sanity. Thanks for sharing Cherrysoda!
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At her age and with the medical issues she’s dealing with who can blame her for being tired of it all? Has she seen her doctor recently? Maybe a med for helping her be comfortable and calm if she’s not already on one could be of help.
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