This question relates to the recent post, 'feel like it's Groundhog Day'. Sometimes everyday does feel identical to the one before it. The same endless questions; the same belongings "lost" and must be located. In between the same-old, same-old, I look around at the clutter my parents have collected, and won't part with because "It might be useful someday". I think I understand that mindset, and indeed share it in some respects. However, as a merged household -- and the home I will inherit -- I often feel resentful that there's almost no space for my husband's and my things, due to all the unused, "can't part with that" stuff of my parent's. I guess I am the household manager now, but haven't felt comfortable sorting out, disposing of or donating their excess possessions. It's still their home, and their savings/ pensions pay the bills. So, I was surprised by forum members strongly recommending that live-in family caregivers begin sorting through and clearing away the care recipient's belongings. Not only has the idea made me uncomfortable, but I felt I didn't have the right.
If I were to start doing so, I know I would start feeling more in control, maybe even be more motivated to get out of bed to start the next Groundhog Day. What I'd like to know is, should I be rethinking my rights in this situation? Should I start making the decisions about what stays in the house and what goes, because it's of no use to them or to me any longer?
i realize this has to be difficult. My husband and I had a modular home moved behind my mom’s trailer which allowed her to stay in her home until her death. At times I felt like I was totally losing it. All the care was put on me. I was also helping my blind brother at the same time and working full time. I used up all my leave from work and was very overwhelmed. Finally I asked my sister to please help with my brother because I just couldn’t do it all.
But I didn’t actually live in the trailer with her and it was only my mom.
The stress must feel overwhelming to you. Is there anyone that can give you any breaks? I hope so.
A lot of responses had good suggestions that may be helpful for you.
I wish you strength and the very best in this journey with your parents.
In our case, once my mother had passed away I was able to take the boxes of (mostly unworn) shoes and bags of clothes straight to goodwill. I also took comfort from knowing that in the highly unlikely event that she had missed a particular blouse or business suit I could, in the last resort, have sorted through the bags and retrieved the wretched thing (it never happened).
At one end of the ethics scale this is not your house, the items are not your property, and strictly speaking you shouldn't even move anything without at least tacit permission.
Inching away from that: your parents invited you to live with them as your caregivers. You and they have an implied agreement that you and your husband therefore have certain space allotted to you, plus free use of communal areas; and it is not only all right but incumbent on you to help keep these areas in practical working order.
From there, you use mission creep, but softly. I completely agree with you that you have no more right to decide that their possessions are useless junk than they have to do the same for you.
When you have qualms, which you will, visualise the space you're tackling "Before" and "After" and remember that your parents too will benefit from having a more attractive, less congested, easier-to-clean home. I dare say they're as fond of the house beautiful concept as the next person, and having somebody else accomplish it for them will be a good result.
One note of warning, though. As a keen watcher of programmes like "Life Laundry" I also spurred myself on by thinking how nice it would be for mother to enjoy her genuine treasures: her photo albums, favourite books, cleaned and sparkling ornaments, ha ha ha. Didn't happen. Actively looking at, using, appreciating these things is not the point, apparently; it's all about knowing they're there. Think Smaug, the dragon in the Hobbit, sleeping for centuries on his hoard and going ballistic when one tiny cup is sneaked away from it. As long as you can reassure your dragons that the hoard has been contained and stored but not otherwise molested, I hope you'll find a way forward.