Hi all! My dad will be 80 in March and my mom turned 76 in August. I'm in the process of taking them both to the neurologist. MRI's are tomorrow. Mom seems lost a lot of the time. She's with it at times then other times completely confused. She's called me for the past 3 days to go over appointments. Is this normal? She sensed my frustration and asked if I was bothering her. I felt awful; I'm learning how to navigate this. Unfortunately, it's been a rough few years in my immediate family. Fighting, financial struggles, my dad tried hurting himself over the summer. I think some of her "confusion" is that her mind is completely overwhelmed. I know I have to wait for all testing to be done, but I'd appreciate any feedback. We are a small family of 4. My older "younger" brother is with them but has concerns of his own that he won't handle. I'm the most level headed and it's incredibly overwhelming. Again, I'd appreciate any advice. Thank You!
My advice is that you and brother and Mom work out who will be POA, and get that done BEFORE any testing and diagnosis. This is the only way you can be involved in protecting them AFTER and in making decisions.
Your mother asked you if she was "bothering you". Start NOW with honesty. The answer is a solid YES but you will put it nicely. It will be "Mom, I think you aren't seeing that you are being repetitive and don't know that we just discussed this yesterday and the day before; you are seeming to have memory problems and we should now have some baseline testing to know why. Meanwhile, keep a chalkboard or a calendar and refer to it a few times a day to remind yourself; we will work together on this, OK?"
As to the whys of all this? That will involve the testing and diagnosis and I hope you'll update us. You can't have a clue until then. I will tell you--you mention your father's suicide attempt and your Mom's anxiety--that ANXIETY alone causes TERRIFIC memory issues when it is bad.
I wish you good luck. Do update us. Decisions now are forefront and for you and brother as well. If you do not wish to be caregivers as this plays out you need NOW to talk together about this and then to parents about needs in future, one of them being placement, about documents, about assets, about EVERYTHING. Happy New Year, huh? I am sorry.
Start getting them used to the idea of either paid in-home help or a move to a good, reputable AL facility if you are not going to be providing daily help yourself. You won't be able to force your brother to participate in it if he doesn't want to. That's his prerogative.
With mom, it IS concerning that she's calling you 3 days in a row about 1 appointment. Meaning her short term memory is compromised and she has anxiety. Cognitive decline, and dementia, aren't linear in that the behaviors are exactly the same all the time. They change constantly. My mother was schmoozing it up with the ladies one day and introducing me as HER mother the next. One day she was fine, the next she full on peed on the elevator at her Assisted Living residence! She was mortified and thank God nobody else was on there with us. From that day forward she was incontinent and wore Depends. Things change on a dime which makes YOU feel unsure of yourself. It's almost as if you think she's gaslighting you or something, isn't It? Is this real? It's real, it's just intermittent. And astounding when it does show up in unexpected ways. Like hearing them repeat the exact same story 2x in a row to the same people. You're like whaaaat???? Or one time i went to moms apartment and she said she had to take a pill, which were all in her daily pill box. She opened the kitchen cabinet door and pulled out a coffee cup up on top. There were a BUNCH of different pills in it! Omg, I knew right then and there she needed medication management added to her services, which she had been fighting. Little things add up and you finally realize, something is definitely wrong here.
It sounds to me like dad is further along than mom. I'm glad you're taking them to a neurologist. If you can speak to the doctor privately about your dad, or send him a note in the portal, let him know about dad's behavior. How angry he is, fighting with your brother, mean to mom, as these are all signs the doctor needs to be aware of w/o you bringing them up in front of dad. Dementia is progressive, meaning it worsens with time. So these behaviors may worsen and dad may need medication to keep him calm so hes not lashing out and causing mom and bro anxiety, as an example.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Hopefully they will be agreeable to Assisted Living or in home help, and you have POA for both. I don't blame you for being overwhelmed. Having 2 parents to deal with at the same time is very tough. It was for me, especially as an only child. One day at a time, my friend.
Is your mother’s calling you to review appointments for 3 days in a row normal? I would say yes and no. Sounds exactly like my mom. I bet you are right that anxiety and confusion are fueling each other. It would be tough on anyone when their spouse starts developing problems, but my mom had close to zero coping abilities when my dad was diagnosed with dementia. I think some long-married people develop complex codependencies and when one or either falter, all kinds of fault lines get exposed.
All I can say is, trust your instincts. They sound completely correct. You are doing the right thing by getting them tested.
I was very concerned by this part: “my dad tried hurting himself over the summer.” I hope you share this with his doctor.
You can’t expect your brothers to be able to help more than they feel they can cope with.
You also need support and to establish what you can and can’t, will and won’t do.
Let us know what the tests show. I am sending you strength!