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I work in LTC, specifically in a memory care unit. Recently my grandparents have moved, my grandma with my parents and my grandpa with my aunt and uncle (all live very close to each other). The plan was, since my aunt is retired, for grandpa to go with her since he was declining faster.


Fast forward about a month, and everyone is miserable. Grandpa has declined even more (doesnt recognize aunt or wife, worries about his money [this is why they were moving in with family first, to try and save money]). My mom and grandma are at each others throats, my mom has her own medical issues and I know she is exhausted, beyond exhausted. My grandma is very clearly displaying behaviors to make my parents do things for her that she doesn't want to do, and my mom is just about to break.


But here is where I am really worried, they aren't doing visits with my grandparents as much as I thought. They are ALL getting very snippy with each other, and I worry that things could become much worse. I am fearing for all my family's mental and physical health now.


How do I offer advice when one, I am still the "young one" of the family (I am 30) and no one wants to take me seriously or listen to any advice, because two they still treat like I know nothing and am just a kid. Also, how do I save my relationship with my mom who I love more than anyone, but I really don't agree with her behavior right now. I apologize for the novel here, just a lot to unpack and haven't had anyone to talk to and I can feel myself starting to crack.


Thanks in advance, K

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Just listen and offer support.

Do not advise. There are a lot of decision makers already. Regardless of whether you agree with the decisions, these are the decisions they have made for their lives. Support them. If they change their minds, continue to support them.

From time to time, when you can, pick up groceries, drop off dinners, visit, bring flowers, Do whatever you are able (physically, emotionally, financially). Give your parents breaks by taking your grandmother to doctors appointments, staying with her while they take a weekend off, or even taking her for a drive or walk if she is able. Join them while they do these things and support them.

Whatever you do, please don’t complain about or criticize them of their choices. Don’t judge. They are doing their best and they are the ones actually living with the consequences of each decision they make.
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Imho, by them "saving money," you are losing sanity. Prayers sent.
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Very few parents are willing to accept help from their children and you have 2 generations of it! Perhaps you can ask someone where you work to talk to them. Your parents might be more receptive to advice from someone outside the family.
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If you stay out of the war, you save your relationship with your mother because you stop judging her behavior towards your grandmother. Keep your advice to yourself and let THEM work it out the way THEY see fit.

I grew up in a house where my mother's mother lived with us. It was a war zone. The screaming and carrying on that occurred was a living nightmare for me because I was forced to bear witness to it every day and suffer the stomach aches that went along with it. Had I not been in that environment, my life would have been a whole lot better.

I am 100% against parents living with their children in their old age, for obvious reasons. It just doesn't work and everyone suffers.

My mother calmed down when her mother moved out, but by then, all the damage had already been done. To each of us. Nobody gets out of a war without scars and a whole lot of suffering.

Live your own life. Have lunch with your mom once a week and talk about silly things. Don't involve yourself in the histrionics....your mother should speak to a therapist about those issues, not YOU.

Good luck.
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You have what Dr. Phil calls the Powdered Butt Syndrome. Once someone has changed your diaper and powdered your butt, they won't listen to your advice.

There is some very good advice here. I can't add to it. Maybe you need to back off and don't offer any advice. I have found over the years that unwanted advice does not work.
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It might be better for all of the caregivers if they could move both grandparents around together. Maybe two weeks at one house and then switch. Each caregiver could have some time off to regroup and the grandparents could be together. Especially since you're trying to save on the money. The way it's going right now, the caregivers are never getting any rest and will wear out quickly if things are already in turmoil.

Talk to the caregivers together and tell them your concerns for them. Maybe they just need someone to say out loud what they are already thinking.
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worriedinCali Oct 2020
That sounds like a recipe for distasteful. What about the grandparents? They are demented. Grandpa no longer recognizes his wife. Both deserve to be in a stable environment rather than shuffled back and forth between caregivers homes.
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wow....has grandma and grandpa seen each other since they were moved separately?  its too bad that each care person doesn't plan a "meeting" where those grandparents can see each other, unless you think it would make it harder to separate again, which it might.  It really sounds like an Elder attorney should get involved, go over their finances and apply for Medicaid and get them into a facility where they can be in the same room (which they can do if married), that way the care people now can keep their stress level down, and no more upsets or fights or bad feelings happening.  They can visit the family members as time allows with out having to carry the burden of caring for themselves.  Now is the time to get them into a NH or facility where they can be cared for and let your mother and aunt get back their lives.  You and your mother/aunt are NOT responsible for paying for anything, it will come out of your grand parents money and if they don't have enough, the Medicaid will cover.  Get in contact with an Elder attorney right away.  Wishing you all luck.
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You are definitely seeing burnout in your parent's generation. As you already know, caregiving is not easy. It appears your aunt and mom need more help caring for each grandparent. Start by talking with your aunt and your mom separately. Ask them about their usual routines with your grandparent. Ask if either grandparent is up a lot at night (making aunt or mom get less than enough sleep). Basically, you are letting your mom and aunt vent. Being heard is helping.

Then, ask your mom and aunt what would be the ideal situation. Mom and aunt may have unrealistic expectations. If sleeping through the night is a goal, suggest them asking the doctor for sleeping med for grandparents. If going out without a person to care for is a goal, rally family members, friends... paid help to "visit" with grandparents for a couple hours for a couple days each week (keeping them together might be easier for visits). Basically, you let aunt and mom share a concern with you.... and then, offer suggestions.

If you can arrange for visitors for your grandparents, you can then arrange time to be with your mom when she isn't caregiving. Do things together that nurture your relationship.
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There seems to be only a couple ways to go. They need to hire Caregivers to come and help out a few hours or put put your Grandfather in a home to be cared for or put them both in a home to be cared for as long as they can have visitors.
In the meantime, You can offer to care for them a few hours once a week to give your Aunt and Mom a break. Just be a good listener as it's exhausting being a Caregiver.

if your Grandparents can afford it, they might even think about moving the Grandparents back together and hiring a Live in for them at about $500 a week plus room and board.
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gladimhere Oct 2020
A live in would be more than $500.00 a week. If it were an agency, the cost would be about 12K a month in my area.

And a live in caregiver would be an employee, need a contract and accounting setup for payroll deductions etc.
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I agree with Isthisrealyreal great advice that you should pursue. Best wishes to you. May God give you strength.
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I think that a housekeeper is a huge help for anyone caregiving. It takes a lot of time cleaning a house and it gets pushed off because it is such physical work on top of caring. Then it starts eating away at the caregiver, because nothing is ever done and they start beating themselves up, just my opinion.

Your elders are so overwhelmed that they will not listen to you, so, I think that a letter detailing what you see, in a kind, non accusatory manner with ideas how this situation may be made better, AFTER you offer yourself to each so they can get a break, one day a week, a weekend a month, you will be surprised how much easier it will make it for them. Give at least 4 hours and an entire day if possible.

It will help you understand what it is really like for your mom and aunt. It will also create opportunities to implement ideas for beneficial solutions.

Can't have an opinion without a dog in the fight, so jump in and earn the right to express your ideas.
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Is there someone you trust at your LTC such as a social worker who might be willing to have a chat with your parents and aunt or suggest someone else who can? This is not to try to convince them to use your facility, just to someone from outside the family who can assess at least grandfather and recommend options. If grandmother is still capable cognitively, this person might be able to show her brochures and talk about how nice the places are and how they can manage your needs and allow her to be "free" of things she doesn't want to do. They might also touch on the subject of her husband - she may not want to reside in the same place, esp if he's already forgotten who she is! It sounds like the best place for him is MC. She might do best in AL. If they are in the same facility and she wants to be with him sometimes, usually they can arrange visits.

Since grandfather is the more challenged, perhaps you could arrange to talk to your aunt and uncle when he is sleeping or otherwise occupied and suggest considering MC. It really IS a huge undertaking, and while "back in the day" families took on these duties, dementia really brings it to a whole different level and often is not something the average person or family can deal with.

If you can make progress with them, perhaps they might be willing to try taking grandmother in for a bit, to see if that works out better. If not, at least your mother would have some time to destress and perhaps be willing to listen. It mightl be harder to get grandmother to agree to AL, if she is still cognizant. We aren't even allowed to "force" those with dementia to move! But, there are ways to get grandfather to move, even if asking him results in NO.
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Is there any way your grandmother can be placed in the same facility as your grandfather? A lot of nursing homes also have assisted living areas that are for people who don't need a high level of care and who still have some independence. If this is possible for your situation, I think it would be best foe everyone concerned even you. They're at each others throats because all of them are exhausted and don't really know what to do so they're taking it out on each other.
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You can save your relationship with your mother by stopping giving her advice that she doesn’t want to hear. Perhaps you can (or already have) make it clear that there are other options you could suggest, if and when she wants to talk about it. You could do the same with your grandma. Or you could go in sideways – tell your father, your aunt and/or your grandfather how concerned you are about your mother, and ask if they would like to find out more about other options that would take some of the weight off her.

If all of them are legally competent and determined to keep on with this, even if it looks from the outside to be a disaster, unfortunately there really isn’t much you can do about it.
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DILKimba Oct 2020
Excellent advice!
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No, they will not listen to you. A frequent discussion here is about relatives that want to advise, criticize and correct when they are not the one doing the caregiving. This must be frustrating for all and as Barb said, Mom (not you) needs to ask for help from the Area Agency on Aging. It is very hard to step back and let them figure it out. Maybe mom would be more receptive to help from someone that is not so emotionally involved.
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Sometimes people close to us need to hear things from an objective perspective.

Speak to a their doctor, social worker or Council on Aging in your community.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Time to call an end to the madness - everyone is unhappy. Get the grandparents to memory care or assisted living. Enough already
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
It is madness. So sad.
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Sounds like your families well made plans for your grandparents has backfired in their faces huh? Caregiving on paper sounds really great, but when put into action, well that's a whole different story, as your mom and aunt are finding out. I believe it's time to put grandma and grandpa back together in the nicest facility that they can afford, so they can live out their final years together, and your mom and aunt can get back to their lives and just enjoy their family without the added stress of caregiving. Not everyone is cut out to do that, and it's ok, just as long as grandma and grandpa get the help they now need and deserve in their final years.
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Maybe recommend what money is left is spent on their care in the LTC that u work in. When the money runs out, Medicaid can be applied for. Maybe grands can share a room. Have them put on a wing u don't work but ur there to check on them.
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You need to get in touch with the local Area Agency on Aging and have them do a "needs assessment" on both grandparents.

Your mom and aunt need to hear from a dispassionate professional what the needs and options are.
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