I am her daughter. Ive been on the this forum several times and have appreciated the help. My step dad is in complete denial about his roll here. He is not pro active in the application for medicaid. There is no long term care. He has not retained an elder care atty and only because I pushed did he request a PRI from my mom's GP. My hands are tied. She doesn't want me in her house cooking or cleaning so I have to do what I can on the sly. There is no verbal support from him. I feel for him because he has been doing this for a while but his way of handling things is to go work in the barn or cellar or garden now that the weather is good. I came on the scene to help and I can work around her now that I am learning. I am by no means perfect. I slip up on things I say.
We all went for her yearly neurologist appointment (the yearly assessment) and I called in advance and said I am the daughter of the patient and the HIPPA form is not signed but we need to try to get that done and then I and my stepdad have questions for the DR if we could have a few minutes before or after in private(not in front of mom). Well she refused to sign the HIPPA for me to speak to the doctor and the step dad asked no questions. The this appointment was a bust except for getting mom on a low dose of seraquel. There was no admission of the hip pain she has been having or what to do if she doesn't eat and how to handle anger etc.
So I thought about things and finally said to my step dad I am leaving. I was supposed to be here to help.Before I got here my step dad said come and stay rent free (thats great since when do you ever charge your own daughter to stay in your house?) He says I will by the groceries and then pay you what your moms social security check is 600 per month. I told him time and again its not about the money its about getting her dialed in and figuring out how to keep her safe and fed and loved. He wants to go back to work next month (he is 71 this year) but doesn't need the money. I did the food shopping and he reimbursed me with checks (I never cashed them) and then he yelled at me that I spent too much money on food. A big shop every 2 weeks about 170.00 and said that they only spend 70.00 every 2 weeks. Anyway I told him forget about the money that is not my focus and that I will pay for the food. his focus is not on her its on money. Their house is paid for they don't have any major bills and between SS for both of them and SS they are ok.
So when I told him Im leaving he flipped a lid and yelled at me go ahead and bail. As we were having this conversation my mom had started walking out the back property on her own and he did even blink an eye. There is 15 acres and very cold fast moving creek back there where you can't been seen if yo are standing by it. I went after her, but said to him your first priority should be your wife then your family and then your job. He won't speak to me now.
He has now told everyone but me that he quit his job. True? Not true? I don't know. What would you do at this point. I have this codependent issue from the past the is poking its ugly head when it comes to my mom. BY the way I gave all of the checks back to my step dad, purposefully taking money out of the equation. In the 6 weeks that I have been here I have been yelled at, thrown things at me and kicked out 3-4 times (Attempted anyway). Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Yes there are other siblings but they are not in the picture (except the criminal older brother that I recently prevented from coming by calling his parole officer, yet another thing the step dad didn't do anything to help with.
There is a complication now, however. The wife is resistant to some of the help she needs and while they were trying to get her to take a shower and she was pushing the attendant away, the husband slapped her shoulder to get her attention and cooperate. She did little slaps back on his arms and it is a big deal now with the facility wanting some action plan in place if this occurs again--like separate rooms or separate beds so they won't be so bothered at night when they want the wife to get up and go to the bathroom because she keeps urinating all over the bed, even while wearing something to catch it. The husband doesn't want them to bother them so he can sleep, but can't agree to separate beds and thinks this whole hitting thing is a bunch of B.S. He's never abused his wife and doesn't think these open hands "hits' on the arm for attention purposes constitutes anything significant. Frankly, I agree. So one of the options is to go back to their condo and have 24 hour care provided there by another agency. It's more expensive than assisted living/memory care, but cheaper than having 24 care in the assisted living/memory care unit. They have been happy with the facility and I have suggested that the attendant for the wife just use verbal reminders for the husband to not touch her when they are trying to work with her. Verbal encouragement would be fine, but nothing more. The AL facility wants more draconian measures in place to protect their butts. I don't have any other good answers. The wife looks for her husband whenever he is not with her. She won't go to bed unless her husband is already in it. She really needs to be with him and he is not an abuser in any way, so I am getting frustrated with the "rules" and their need to have unsatisfactory alternatives "ready." Perhaps another reader can provide insight from the nursing perspective why such contact is a big deal.
The AL will have to have someone to divert the husband while someone else is working with the wife. Not an expert, but maybe a smaller size for the wife's incontinence briefs and then bed liners, too Then if they can limit what she drinks after about 3 pm. Just some thoughts. Anybody else?