I am her daughter. Ive been on the this forum several times and have appreciated the help. My step dad is in complete denial about his roll here. He is not pro active in the application for medicaid. There is no long term care. He has not retained an elder care atty and only because I pushed did he request a PRI from my mom's GP. My hands are tied. She doesn't want me in her house cooking or cleaning so I have to do what I can on the sly. There is no verbal support from him. I feel for him because he has been doing this for a while but his way of handling things is to go work in the barn or cellar or garden now that the weather is good. I came on the scene to help and I can work around her now that I am learning. I am by no means perfect. I slip up on things I say.
We all went for her yearly neurologist appointment (the yearly assessment) and I called in advance and said I am the daughter of the patient and the HIPPA form is not signed but we need to try to get that done and then I and my stepdad have questions for the DR if we could have a few minutes before or after in private(not in front of mom). Well she refused to sign the HIPPA for me to speak to the doctor and the step dad asked no questions. The this appointment was a bust except for getting mom on a low dose of seraquel. There was no admission of the hip pain she has been having or what to do if she doesn't eat and how to handle anger etc.
So I thought about things and finally said to my step dad I am leaving. I was supposed to be here to help.Before I got here my step dad said come and stay rent free (thats great since when do you ever charge your own daughter to stay in your house?) He says I will by the groceries and then pay you what your moms social security check is 600 per month. I told him time and again its not about the money its about getting her dialed in and figuring out how to keep her safe and fed and loved. He wants to go back to work next month (he is 71 this year) but doesn't need the money. I did the food shopping and he reimbursed me with checks (I never cashed them) and then he yelled at me that I spent too much money on food. A big shop every 2 weeks about 170.00 and said that they only spend 70.00 every 2 weeks. Anyway I told him forget about the money that is not my focus and that I will pay for the food. his focus is not on her its on money. Their house is paid for they don't have any major bills and between SS for both of them and SS they are ok.
So when I told him Im leaving he flipped a lid and yelled at me go ahead and bail. As we were having this conversation my mom had started walking out the back property on her own and he did even blink an eye. There is 15 acres and very cold fast moving creek back there where you can't been seen if yo are standing by it. I went after her, but said to him your first priority should be your wife then your family and then your job. He won't speak to me now.
He has now told everyone but me that he quit his job. True? Not true? I don't know. What would you do at this point. I have this codependent issue from the past the is poking its ugly head when it comes to my mom. BY the way I gave all of the checks back to my step dad, purposefully taking money out of the equation. In the 6 weeks that I have been here I have been yelled at, thrown things at me and kicked out 3-4 times (Attempted anyway). Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Yes there are other siblings but they are not in the picture (except the criminal older brother that I recently prevented from coming by calling his parole officer, yet another thing the step dad didn't do anything to help with.
GladImHere has some good thoughts. It sounds like there may be a need for placement that will allow for your mom's care needs, you step-dad's need to be out and about working or doing chores and your need to help.
The fact that the HIPAA form hasn't been signed could give you some problems but perhaps your step dad will listen to a third party from one of the agencies. I certainly hope so, since this is not a good situation for any of you.
Please do try to get third party help of some kind,
Carol
It sounds as if he has given your mother a good life. We all have our limits, as you know. My only suggestion is to support him in this decision, help him in any way you can while being there for your mom.
Has she been checked for a urinary tract infection. These can cause audden changes and decline in the elderly. Once treated they often return to the old baseline.
Maybe… one way to look at things would be to pile up all of the things that have been done or said that ought better not to have been, and see how many of them are attributable to the sheer stress of the situation for all involved. Then you can set those to one side. Have a look at what's left: any insurmountable issues or conflicts there? If there are, then perhaps you should at least suspend involvement until the pair of them allow you to help more actively. If not, hang in there.
You're right that getting good baseline assessments of her health and care needs is the starting point for an ongoing plan, and it must drive you wild that he doesn't see that. I can't see that you're doing anything wrong, but equally it's clear that they're both happier sticking their heads in the sand for as long as they possibly can; and short of forcing the pace and going for guardianship, calling in APS - going nuclear, in short - you're a bit stuck. I'm sorry, it's rough.
Your stepdad possibly thinks he did not sign up for this when he and Mom married and has his head in the sand regarding her true condition. As he is considering placement he realizes caring for Mom is something he can not and does not want to do. You have bent over backwards to help and get things organized but does he resent this and see it as unnecesary interfearance hence he keeps away from you as much as possible. I don't know how long they have been married but they sound fairly well bonded and stepdad clearly still has good reasoning skills although you may not agree,
So in one sentence which I could have used in the first place is "Step aside and let the professionals in and allow them to recomend what is best for her going forward"
To me it seems like the main problem is that you and he are clashing. I don't know the feelings on both sides, but know caregiving for a person with advanced dementia creates a lot of stress. We deal with the stress differently. Some people let the disease process play out, knowing that they can't fix it. I can understand that, since quality of life has to be kept for both the care receiver and giver. The main consideration is finding a balance where the receiver is safe. If you could find some way to get along with your stepfather, it would be a very good solution. You could help each other and appreciate the difference in your caregiving styles. They are actually complementary.
If you are unable to be there, having help come in sounds ideal to me. Your mother may need care in a facility in the future. Until then, I would work with the needs of your stepfather to have some quality in his life while keeping your mother safe.
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