My Mom has always relied on me to be her everything. How do I handle this?

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

You have every right to want to take a vacation with your family without mom tagging along. If you'd like to invite her, great, but you're not obligated to. Same goes with family outings. You're allowed to go on family outings without your mom and your daughter is certainly allowed to do things with her friends without her grandma along for the ride.

It's up to you to maintain boundaries. It can be very challenging and uncomfortable but you are not responsible for your mom's entertainment. That you invite her over for dinner a few times a week is enough.

Thank you. I have struggled with this all of my life and have not really dealt with it in a healthy manner. Now that we are all getting older, I need to learn how to establish boundaries. I am so glad I have found this website. Thank you for your reply. Have a blessed day!

It might seem daunting, but you will feel better, the first time you say "No". Don't offer explanations. Just calmly say No. And then change subject, or finish phone call. I have lots of boundary issues with my folks, in their 90's who rely on me and 1 (currently) paid caregiver. Its hard to change tose boundaries, and its also hard to imagine you doing all you have done for ANOTHER 30 years? Which is quite possible. At age 65 your mom is still quite capable of seeking out her own social network. Don't BE it for her. She might pout, argue, silent treatmrnt, etc etc but you just have to calmly maintain your boundaries. Please report back with how things are going!

You don't go on dates with your husband because your mother won't babysit? What do you think couples do who have no living grandparents for their children? Who live hundreds of miles away from either set of parents? It is NOT necessary to have a handy grandparent to do couple things without the child sometimes. It seems odd that this hasn't occurred to you. Do you think you might be set in your views of family roles?

Mom gets upset when she doesn't get her way. So? When your daughter gets upset to you always give in and give her her way? Is that really a healthy way to interact with a family member. Mom is an adult. You are an adult. Why on earth do you think it is your job never to let her get upset?

And she manipulates you with "oh, you don't love me." Nonsense. You know perfectly well that you love your mother even if you don't want her on all of your vacations. Don't let her drag illogical manipulation into your conversations. If the topic is "vacation" don't let her pretend it is "love."

I guess I am endorsing all the earlier posts about boundaries. And also suggesting you take a closer look at your views of appropriate family roles.

After 7 years of no dates with your husband, what kind of shape is your marriage in? He must be one very patient, maybe too patient, man.Hire someone to look after you daughter and go out with your husband on dates!

Sounds like you have spoiled her over the years. Maybe your brother not helping very much is his way of maintaining some boundaries. Who knows? I would not worry about him or about your mother getting upset. I'd worry more about you, your well being, your husband, the well being of your marriage and the overall well being of your immediate family.

My wife worried so much about making her mother upset when we stopped letting her invite herself to go on our vacations. However, once that took place, our vacations were much happier.

I agree that you need boundaries in your personal life and in your marriage. I wish you well in dealing with all of this.

Let us know how things are going.

In addition to setting boundaries for your mom, you might want to suggest she se a therapist. She's got some serious emotional neediness that warrants addressing.

If you don't set boundaries now, what will happen when she gets sick and says she is moving in with you and your family? Believe me it would be the worst thing you could do.

Tell your mom to go to meetupdotcom and check out events in her area. It's generally free and whatever type of group she's seeking, there's a meetup group out there to suit her needs. She can meet other women her age or find a group that is interested in dining out or gardening or whatever. I'm 64 and have my own meetup group for women over 50. We do book clubs events, volunteer events, sports and discussion/dining events.

Or she can check out her local senior center to find lots and lots of activities. Or her local junior college or park district. They have all kinds of continuing education classes that are fun and a way to meet others.

And I agree with all of the boundary suggestions. On other threads, there have been good suggestions for books about setting boundaries, but I don't remember what they are. Maybe someone else can weigh in with some good book titles on the topic. Good luck and keep us posted!

P.S. If you do a search for "boundaries" in the "search site" box at the upper right corner of the page, you'll find a lot of threads on setting boundaries with parents and book recommendations.

You have to turn things around--Your mother is in the "habit" of doing things with you always! I'm 64 and this is nuts. She might be hurt--she might even be devistated but you have to slowly start turning this around.....Mom Tues night is mine and Jack's date night---Oh darling that sounds like such fun --when are you and Jack picking me up...Nope Mom this is me and Jack time........You have to break the silken bonds she has made you wear through out your life time. You are both doing a dance---you do step one and she does step two and then she does step three....and on it goes.....you're the only one that can change that dance and that means YOU HAVE TO THICKEN YOUR OWN SKIN. I love doing things with my kids and Grandkids--but I'm a normal widow--I work--I have friends---and as long as MOMMY DEAREST has you--why should she change? That takes work. YOU HAVE TO THICKEN YOUR OWN SKIN and put your own foot down. There will be pouting, foot banging. you hate me stuff----SHE'LL GET OVER IT.....and even if she doesn't------you're a married woman with kids.......you owe your family not your Mother....she had her life and now this is yours/.

Boy, do I know this one too. She probably doesn't make friends easily... which is not a reason for you to supplement. When she ends up with more time on her hands she'll be forced to stretch. I'd humbly suggest you go to counseling for a while, this is what I had to do (and still go periodically to maintain). You have let the rules become this way and you would benefit from coaching to change them. Good luck :) make this change for yourself, as someone said 'silken chains' but they are chains nonetheless.

I am so sorry for your situation with your Mother. Others have given you some good advice, I just want to add, you must do something with the guilt you may experience, DON'T!!! I'm 71 year old widow, would never dream of imposing on my children's lives. I'm not sure who, but someone has to help your Mother realize, she's responsible for her own life. As I type this I am saying a prayer for you and your family! God Bless YOU!

I just want to say "ditto" to all of the advice given above.

But , first, I feel your frustration and pain.

Here is the thing: I am 64.5--almost her age, and I can tell you that her behavior is not "normal" for our age group. It is TOTALLY CODEPENDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your mom is not a bad person; she has some unhealthy expectations. These always lead to disappointment and resentment--but they can, ultimately, lead to acceptance..

Also, she has been "trained" or "enabled" over the years you are describing to have these expectations. And it is easy for that to happen when children are young. You are mostly at home; the kids don't have a life of their own. Naturally, she became accustomed to your company.

Now, are you sitting down? The person who needs help is you. Not because you are crazy or deficient in some way but because you are the only person in the equation whom you can control. You have no control over your mother's thoughts and feelings. That is her business.

A few years back in the midst of a horrible family experience, I began to see a therapist--with such success that I could only ask myself one question: why did I wait so long? I wish to this day that I had done it when my daughter was the age of your daughter. So, I would say, go see a therapist. You have nothing to lose and the whole family stands to gain.

Maybe your mom needs to get on medication. It sounds like she may have anxiety issues. My 77 year old mother has lived next to me for 4 years now, never drove, made friends and has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. I have 3 siblings one is out of the picture all together and the other 2 rarely help out. The people we take care if become dependent on us because they think no one else knows their ways. Talk to a doctor about her anxiety. Good luck

I can really relate to the problems at hand. My mother is 81 & has been a widow for 8 years. She has health issues, lives across the road from me. I to have enabled my mother "spoiled her", but she 'comes off with well I went through all this my mother & I feel I ended up neglecting her, I don't want you to feel like that later, in life, once I'm gone'. I really appreciate this site & all the wonderful comments & ideas you guys provide.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. However it is unfair to rely on mom to babysit, kind of adding insult to injury. Pay a babysitter or trade babysitting date nights with one of her friends parents.
Make time fr self, husband, family and extended family.....everyone does not have to participate ineverything.....rotate..... When you get to drop off play dates for your daughter, combine that with date night.

Letting your mother lean on you for so long will make it harder to change but you MUST for her sake and for your family's sake.
FIRST - you are not helping her - you are actually HURTING her by enabling unhealthy behavior.
SECOND - you are trying to do what is right and you are suffering. She is taking advantage of you, being lazy, immature and irresponsible, manipulating and controling you with guilt (Emotional Blackmail) and she is not suffering one bit.
THIRD - you must change the circumstances and scenarios to that she suffers and you don't . Simple, but not easy but you can do it. You owe it to yourself, your own family and to your Mother to make these changes.

My 90 year old Dad died this past December and my Mom, (also 90) who was dependent on him, switched her dependency to me. I have compassion but am helping her change her dependence to healthy interdependence.

Deedee - let me give you a window into the future - you don't say that your mum is unhealthy other than what is obvious from her emotional dependency upon you. Imagine therefore, that as she ages (I am your mum's age now), she becomes infirm, and maybe gets dementia. All she knows at this point in her life is that you are her mainstay, and as she gets older that will be consolidated to the point where you will be expected to do everything for her, not just be there, but take care of her - this will be physically and mentally draining for you. If you don't break this way of thinking for her now you will be doing both of you a great dis-service because you have a family and will eventually have grandchildren, who will call upon you, and in that situation you might make a definite choice to spend time with them rather than your mother. This is not a bad thing, it is perfectly natural, so you have to 'train' your mum now, to widen her social circle, to respect the fact that you want and need to do things without her. She will become extremely unhappy the older she becomes if she has locked you into her 'carer' role and you then start to back off. Do it now, find things for her to do. And involve your brother - encourage him to take her for weekends or for day trips - you have to change your mum's mindset to include him as someone she can call on for support and company. Once you make that strong overture to your brother and he realises you're serious about preserving your own family life, he may well come up with other ideas that help you all as he accepts that he's got a responsibility. Just as a personal note, my mum who's 88 and lives with me, has carers who come into the house three times a day. They come to deal with her personal needs as mum is unable to bear her own weight for more than a few seconds, and therefore double-handed as far as moving and toileting goes. Sometimes, she will co-operate with the carers but other times she gets it into her head that it's me who should be toileting her and not them and this is a nightmare for me because they end up calling for me to help them. Every time I respond I leave my work (I work from home), and she will often chastise me for not being there in the first place. My mum has dementia and this is not her lifetime behaviour, but someone like your mum who relies on you and has great expectations when she's perfectly sound in her mind, will become 100 times worse. You will drown in her neediness so do something concrete about it, now. Good luck.

You mother needs to be told what healthy boundaries are. She needs to know you are going to implement some changes. Not a discussion open for debate, just an educational talk... and she needs to hear you say "I have not been good at placing boundaries between us all these years - so this will not be easy, but it has to happen." I'm guessing this is an important step to help her SEE the situation for what it is. If she keeps up with the pushing of boundaries, she can be reminded that that is another example and you will not cave.

She needs to be shown some compassion for the mess she's in, but even at 60+, healthy is better than unhealthy..... OR she can lose you altogether. Things can only deteriorate if there's no change.

I think it's wonderful you have come to this realization BEFORE she becomes even more dependent. I would also communicate with the brother how this dynamic has been going on a change is on the horizon. I'm sure he feels her manipulations too...

Please keep in touch!

maybe help her find some outside activities with some women her age that goes on trips, etc. And honestly, if you want to go on a date or whatever with your husband............don't tell her that way she won't know. sometimes even schools or the Y have activites for seniors to get together with others their own age.

My heart goes out to you, I am in the same situation, but my husband and brother refuses to help me. So I can't fix my own problem, but I do offer sympathy to you, I know its tough row to hoe, there are people here that really have some great advice, they have helped me rethink things.

As we and our parents age, so do our roles in life. Unfortunately, some of us tend to maintain the subservient role to a parent, when it really needs to be the other way around. You can establish better roles and boundaries, as has been said, but it is an adjustment for both of you and an ongoing process. Your mother sounds like mine - no friends, needy, emotionally weak etc. Sometimes you just have to make the changes and it will be difficult for you too because, although your mother seems to have become a problem, you have also developed patterns that need to change. Do one thing at a time. Go out with your husband and hire a sitter. For the next step, don't respond to emotional blackmail i.e. "You would invite me if you loved me."...It will progressively get better but your at the helm of all of this -you are the captain of this ship. Decide what needs to be done to allow you to stop being manipulated. I've been there, so I definitely understand what you are going through and the complexity of it that is difficult to even explain to others sometimes. The big thing is that you know something is wrong with the picture and that is a big step toward finding solutions. Good luck!

DeeDee -- start now to detach and set the boundaries. You can do this and still be a "good" person. Please do not let her play the guilt game with you any more. You can see from my screen name "onlyoneholly" that I'm an only child. My parents fought constantly, my mother abused alcohol and was a recluse with "help me" issues all the years I can remember. This has gone on for decades -- she is now in her early 90's. How? She sucks the life out of others. "Samara" was correct in saying "Stop now, she's only 65, and this could go on for decades" and it could. Trust me, I'm older myself, tired, and do not look back with fondness at all the things I gave, all the whims I let her get away with. She never tried very hard to establish relationships so she has missed out on a lot of opportunities for a senior citizen.

So, please put the brakes on it NOW. Set boundaries. Good luck.

Sign her up for senior excercise and pay someone to give you 2 days a week off.

I'm not quite sure I understand this. Sometimes you have to treat adult parents as if they were children. Do you set boundaries for your child/children? At 65 and without dementia or any other problems mom can be told what the score is. Will she like it at first? Probably not, but if you keep up the discipline, she will finally get it. Sounds like she knows just what buttons to push to keep you under her control. My dad is 94, with dementia and lives alone. The doc took away his license in August. As an only child, I have to either take him where he needs to go or go for him. He wanted to "go for a run

sorry, my computer got away from me! He wants to go for a run every day. I was doing it because I felt sorry for him. I had to pay almost $1700 for mile overage on my leased vehicle because of this. I'd go to the store for his groceries, come home and get a phone call that he forgot something and back I'd go. Now I tell him he will go for a run twice a week, that's it. I know I'm all he has, but if I end u sick, he will have nobody. I had to set boundaries. I think you need to too!

Like it or not you HAVE to get your brother involved.
I had the same thing and always complained my siblings were useless and I bore the brunt.
One of my brothers lived closer than I, and he and dad had issues... I am dad's 'favourite', having spent years fighting with dad we eventually found equilibrium (I was his 'rock' during mum's protracted illness, and subsequent death last Sept)
After her death my brother asked if he could help with funeral/legal stuff, but dad just did not teust him, and brushed him off, stating I was doing a great job.
I tried to get my dad to let my brother do tax/financial bits as I am single mum and have a demanding job and live 40 mins away, but I have to say I did not try that hard, because in hindsight I kinda liked being dad's rock. But I was exhausted and quality of my work and homelife spiralled. So I saw a therapist.
It was my therapist that made me realise I liked being the family rock/hero, but I was not allowing my siblings to step up.
I have conciously had to step aside and force my dad to share the load.
I had to learn I am not responsible for him (I admit I quite liked looking after him and the praise dad gave me, affirmation is a heady drug!
I can see my brother's relationship with dad is now improving. Makes me a teeny bit narked because my brother has been nowhere to be seenfor many years, totally self centred... but my mental health and famy and work are more important.

Go speak 1:1 with your brother... don't accuse him of anything, just ask him for his advice, tell him your are broken and ask for his help (once I stopped asking my brother to step up and instead showed him my vulnerability he felt he could be the big brother I had basically never allowed him to be (superwoman!)

Ref your mum draw boundaries, don't molly coddle her (sounds like she is the queen of emotional blackmail, and you are so worried about upsetting her... she is playing you I think.
You don't have to be cruel. You don't have to explain. Just 'we can't do that this weekend mum' should suffice.
Mollycoddling her and worrying about upsetting her is enabling her behaviour.

Set some boundaries now... or this will just get worse!

I go through the same stuff with my mom and she now has dementia. I wish I'd set better boundaries when she was of more sound mind. She had a stroke the day after I had my first date with my husband so she basically thinks I threw her to the curb for him. (Not true, but guess what, I want to spend time with my hubby!) One thing that's been a huge help is going here, but also we got a social worker through the hospital and got a lot of good advice. (If it's free or you have to pay for a session, never mind: A good one is as good as gold.) We got a lot of resources and are setting up to get some extra help through the area agency on aging. Also apparently Medicare covers up to 40 sessions a year with a therapist/counselor (for depression, etc.) I'm looking forward to those starting. If you can get that with your mom and maybe sit in a on a few sessions that might work. It's hard to say no to mom because you don't want to disappoint her, but set these boundaries now before her mind starts to go. Get her to the local senior center, try to sign her up for daylong trips or take her to a senior expo and let her explore options. It gets draining when your mom expects you to be her sole source of entertainment. Don't let that happen.

My mom tried not to be a burden, I know that is not what she wanted to do but sometimes it did become overwhelming for me. She was a bright women that was raised in a different time and place where family took care of each other and never thought twice about it. It is nobody's fault. It is what it is. However, I will say that you are the one doing the heavy lifting and before you drop the ball (it is only going to get heavier) you need to hire a caregiver to help you out. - You will have a lot of negativity surrounding this but you need to push through for your own sake. - Support groups, someone can help you find a volunteer if you can't afford a caregiver - PUSH for it.

Set boundaries now when you can, because she may one day really need all the attention you are giving her now and you will be burned out...trust me i know. And don't ever think you will be able to convince her that you have a right to a life, that will never happen. So don't negotiate, just say no.