Mom is accusing Dad of infidelity nonstop. Any suggestions?

An individual does NOT have to be elderly to experience hallucinations.

I'm sorry to read about your situation. My Mom did the same thing with my Dad. It wasn't constant but when it came up it was always tough to talk her down. I'm one of 5 other siblings. We ended up telling her answers that were "indisputable" If she thought an object was given to him from a "lover" we said something like "No Mom I bought that for you... don't you remember?" If she accused my dad of sneaking out with some "other woman" one of us would have to run cover and say "No Mom, Dad was with me" Sometimes we would tell her that "Dad was with me" before she even had the chance to wonder who he was with. Same with the other objects. Another solution would be to remove a lot of the clutter. Focus on the objects that seem to trigger her accusations and get them out of the house. Or put them somewhere she wont get to. That way they can be pulled back out if she happens to be in a more reflective mood. My brother didn't like the idea of lying to Mom and I understand that but she could get frenzied and panicked over these accusations that weren't true either!
She's in a conflict mode right now, believe it or not it wont last. As her condition worsens she will become less "assertive" and more dependent. You should work on finding a long term memory care center for her. Get some ideas going now. Your Dad is bearing the biggest brunt of this. His health is of greatest concern. Triage! Save what you can and let go of what cant be saved. PS: I don't comment on other posts. I recommend you not pay attention to the back and forth of some of the comments out there either. Find a solution that fits your situation-because they are all different. Good Luck and hang in there!!

Hallucinations-auditory and sight are terrible to endure. Prayers going out to all who are experiencing this challenge.

I had this same situation with my mom when she was home past fewvyears. My dad passed years ago but with her it was mystery man moving her things and stealing her food because she refused to believe she ate it herself and would leave notes all over to get out of house and leave foodcslone. She even at one point called police for theft and although he realized no theft adult protection was called and that left 3 months on their watch . Although utility can cause these please don't just put off to fix with antibiotics . ...majority of times it is also the beginning of a difficult journey with a very painful ending so be careful because the violent rages can come from nowhere and trust me are scarey and dangerous and don't kid yourself that a seemingly weak elderly parent cannot do damage when in a delusional rage especially at night or strangers unexpectedly paying a visit

My Mom is 89, suffers from Parkinson's Disease, Dementia and can no longer walk. She too accused my Dad of everything under the sun for about 6 - 8 yrs. Affair with his eye doctor & stealing money from her purse are just a few. It was bad. Unfortunately on Feb 22, 2013 he called me at 4:50am, told me to come take care of my mom because he couldn't take the accusations anymore & he was leaving. I asked where he was going, he said outside to shoot myself. He did. Please do what you can to educate yourself, Dad and others about Dementia. I did and it helped me understand more. The County Dept of Aging near me has a wonderful 8 wk workshop/support group with outstanding resources. My Mom now accuses me of everything but I understand it is the disease talking, not her.

My 98 yr old mother went thru this. It lasted for a year. Constantly accusing my 91 yr old dad of having a 19 year old lover. The things she said and accused him of were embarrassing to listen to. Then, after about a year and a half of this, it stopped. I had her checked for UTIs and it wasn't that. She started taking quetiapine to calm her down. But it didn't really help once she got wound up. Hopefully, for your mother and your father and you, this is only temporary. When mom started talking about dad's affair, we would ignore it and tell her we weren't going to discuss it. Good luck to you.

Some excellent - useful responses to consider here. I especially appreciate the response of Jeannegibbs - as this reflective listening defuses/calms a potentially (or already) emotionally charged situation.
I would suggest that you role play with someone - as the way to respond is often difficult = deer in headlights = even for the most experienced care providers. Preparing for possible responses or ways to 'lead' into someone's (imagined/ hallucinations) concerns or beliefs will help you - and the other. I will always be learning how to do this. It is a communication "Art Form" of the highest spiritual order. As with anyone, dementia notwithstanding, we want to be heard and acknowledged, even believed. People are telling THEIR truth whether it is true or not. If the person feels respected and heard, they may lessen their emotional expression. I would be interested to hear what others think about this - Gena.

I suspect that she may be "hearing voices," e.g. a faux voice IN HER HEAD of her husband and the non-existent other woman. Please get her checked out by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if she has the condition called "Jealous Subtype." Yes, it's an actual real mental disorder. It's a horrific disorder and actually quite real to the patient, no matter how many times they're told it's an untruth.

There is one technique that I've seen used with vascular dementia. I'm not sure of the psychology that would be behind your mother's dementia (meaning, I don't know if it's right or would work with that issue in particular). We sometimes left post it notes for some patients to remind them where they were, their name, their room mate's name, and what the schedule was for the day. Pictures of them, and their loved ones helped. We had more problems with those who saw their spouse's picture and forgot they had passed on. It helped them remember who they were, but did have consequences. I'm wondering if a post it to explain what is happening to her and what she accuses your father of doing might help. In all honesty, I'm grabbing at straws because I know this hurts your family so much. Talk to a psychologist who is trained in geriatric mental health first. That piece of advice is as solid as I can come up with for you. Post its might make things worse in hindsight.

When my friend Beth became uncooperative with the staff at her memory care facility, the nurse there advised that I take her to a geri-pscyh ward at a hospital so they could find the right anti-psychotic medication and dosage that would calm her down without doping her up. My call to the third hospital was successful and they had an opening. It took 3 1/2 weeks there, paid for by her health insurance, but after that the staff could work with her until she passed. Those medications are potent and need to be administered carefully, which is why it took that long. I was grateful for an answer. I never new such facilities existed--or such medications. We live in a large metro area with many options, so I wish you good luck with this. I was lucky that none of this was directed at me and that I wasn't a daily care-giver and lucky to have found a place and nurse who knew what to do.

My mom did the same - dad kept track & had a system of measuring 'silent treatment', 'bad mouthing', 'tirade' & several more - month before I took her away it was 23 times in the month!

Dad was 89 & the caregiver but she was sure he was fooling around however he needed a cane to walk anywhere - not likely - about a year later she switched to him liking men too much - when he goes out for a break from caregiving that's when she'll figure he's up to no good - dad was with her 24/7 except when he went to church [he went a bit early to get some peace & a good parking spot] so when would he ever have the time? - there is no rationalizing with those with dementia however she move to a different phase & leave it alone eventually

There is no way to deflect them - if 1st med doesn't work then try another - I wouldn't give up on them as several take 2 to 3 weeks to kick in & you see a difference - it is like they need to be at a certain level for a while before the brain notices the meds

Stacie, these types of delusions are, unfortunately, common in Alz. patients. She may become very violent, so it is certainly time to make sure that she is unable to get her hands on any type of weapon. That could be anything sharp (knife, screwdriver etc) even pens and pencils. She may appear very frail or have poor mobility but, speaking from experience, she probably is more than capable of harming him or you! My mom tried stabbing my dad and myself (different times), she would hit, pinch and bite and often this happened out of the blue...I never did find out where she found the paring knife she used. We "thought" we had removed all potential weapons....Thankfully, she moved through that stage in a relatively short time....but still it was hard on all of us. I would agree , with the others that you might consider placement unless you have help watching her all the time. God's blessings to all of you....it's a hard journey....Lindaz.

It sounds like PTSD and there is no cure for that. If it is PTSD that is what the military deal with and now my sister has from having so many belongings stolen living in facilities. It is a living hell for her and for the rest of us too. Perhaps the dr. could prescribe an anti anxiety but there is no cure. Sorry.

It sounds like PTSD and there is no cure. Perhaps an anti anxiety prescription but there is no cure...It's what the military deal with and my sister now has --from being robbed of her things so many times living in facilities. Everytime she sees a bare spot she thinks something is missing. It is a living hell for her and the rest of us too.

These drugs do not work overnight. My daughter who is an RN working in rehab/NH facility says it takes about 30 days to see if the med will work. If it doesn't another 30 days for the new one, so on and so on. Contact her doctor, maybe she needs an adjustment or even an additional med.

How very hard for your Father, and for everyone including your mother.
My Ma went through it, saying she could see Pa driving up and down the road laughing at her with the other woman in the car. I was lucky and could 'kill it fast' by saying he was dead and dead men dont have affairs. That she was muddling up that her own father left her mother when she was a toddler. Which had her laughing as her surname was Muddle. Now she is back to being a teenager and needing to go to work so not even married anymore.
I agree with the thought that an infection or some discomfort might be adding to the problem, check the toenails for ingrown toes or too tight a shoe, any slight pain brings those demons out. and the good old UTI, maybe check her ears for wax, even hard of hearing moments can trigger it off.
It might get too bad for your father to be able to live with it, and being cared for in a neutral situation with strangers is easier to manage. Of course then it will swap to they have abused, stolen, hit her. All so hard to deal with

Uncle John's doctor put him on Prozac and it was wonderful, but my husband's mother is a diabetic and we have had to live with the accusations for 5 years.

Yes I did with my husband! It horrible to go through this with him. He was so aweful I had to pick up the phone and get him medical attention. With the help of seroquel Our son and I were able to care for him three more years at home. I was scared for my safety before he got help. He eventually had to be placed in a facility because of repeated infections and his dementia issues. Sadly pnumonia took his life last month. The professional told me he had the brain scan of a 90 yr old man! He was 61.

Stacie, it is time for you and dad to face some hard decisions. Dementia only gets worse, yes behavior changes. For me that means I never know who I'm going to be visiting with, I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Your dear dad needs to be reassured that placing mom with professionals is the most loving, compassionate, kindest thing he can do for her. I bawled like a baby when I went looking at care homes for my dad and we did not really have a relationship, let alone the kind you obviously share with your parents. I say this so you prepare for how very hard it is, you go through a quagmire of emotions and they are not helpful in the least. I have seen so much improvement in my dad's health that I know it was the best, hardest, heartbreaking decision I have ever had to make. Help your dad through it, cry together, mourn mom together and remember to laugh together and continue to love mom through it. Encourage dad to do things for himself, visit when he wants, walk away when she is having a brutal day and wants to take it out on him and love himself through this. No guilt, as hard as it is, people sometimes need more care then a home environment can give. God bless and keep you and your family on this difficult journey.

Lewey Body Dementia caused this in my sister in law. Our whole family was caught completely off guard but these allegations and escalating bizarre behavior lead to her diagnosis. Deeply hurtful for her husband because she was so convincing no one really knew what to do. But, I need to add she also was being violent at home none of us knew about. This can be the beginning get her back to her dr this sounds like LBD.

My mom with dementia had similar delusions mentioned above - stealing, terrorism aimed against her, all directed at family and loved ones.

I agree with Jeangibbs - I started going along with it; sitting with her and really letting her go through all the "immediate" emotions, accusations, etc. and asked her what we should do about it -- report to police, call the lawyer, etc. and then I tell her let me do it and I would get on phone in front of her and make pretend call and report "offense" and then pretend police, lawyer were aware of issue and "immediately going to investigate" -- (I've become an expert fibber in 10 years of dementia).

I did this all while she was watching me; then I'd tell her they were going to investigate the whole thing and get back with her "Tuesday" or whatever. That would satisfy her and get her calm and we could go on.

But I will tell you, the same delusions played out over 10 years, and even today, she will accuse brother or myself of some offense and we go through it all again. She is in memory care now and I wished I'd have been able to place her long ago instead of enduring the 10 yrs of heartache.

Your mom isn't going to let this go or medicate herself out of it. It will be up to dad how much he can stand and what actions he is willing to take. If she becomes violent and starts physically abusing (and he's already enduring the mental abuse from her accusations) then I would suggest placement.

My mom would often get so worked up she'd hit me, shove me, etc. Don't take it personally (though admittedly I often did).

LOng story short. Just go with it, let her play it out and you just play along and be supportive.

My mom did the same with stepdad. She accused him of having girlfriends. Most often the girlfriends were his own daughter and also their Saturday caregiver. It is very common. Mom was taking 75mg of Seroquel about 4:00 each afternoon which sometimes helped and sometimes not. She started on just 12.5 mg just once a day to try to make sundowning more tolerable. It was.

Unless these behaviours can be controlled it may be time to find placement for mom. Heaven forbid that she start hitting or try to harm dad. This is dangerous for them both.

If she becomes violent she has to be taken to the ER. Then that is dad's opportunity to get her placed sooner telling doc's her care is more than he can provide.

My father went through that about my mother during the early and middle stages of LewyBody dementia; that lasted about four years. He just passed away January 7th and I had noticed he stopped that "nonsense" about six months before his passing.

All I can say is hang in there! It's rough and frustrating but there's no medicine, at this stage, that will help. We tried Namenda in the beginning (for memory) and it worked for about a month (stayed on it for a year with no improvement or anything) then finally spoke with the nursing home's RN and she very honestly said, "At this stage, you're just spending money." (And it was expensive--$725 a month).

Bottom line here: Pray, breathe, drink plenty of fluids, eat and hang on!! The tunnel will look long and dark and if your mother's behavior remains violent--CALL THE DOCTOR and place her somewhere. My dad was in a facility that did not believe in restraints or over medicating; but there was a dedicated ALZ wing with super duper supervision.
God Bless and keep posting.

I know how you feel! Reassurances, sympathy, explanations don't work. Nothing works, not even temporarily; at least not for our mom. We placed her in memory care and let them manage her delusions. When I visit and she starts accusing me of everything under the sun (which usually happens sooner than later), I tell her I'll come back another time "when she feels better." Consequently, my visits are short, few, and far between. Her doctor prescribed Lexapro several weeks ago. It's too soon to tell if this will do any good. It might be that distancing yourself emotionally will become a necessity. I know this is so hard! Remember: No guilt!!!!!!

My husband had delusions too and accused me of infidelity. It took 2-3 weeks of seroquel (generic: quietipine - or something like that) to kick in and he is stable so far. He’s on a total of 100mg 3 times a day. (That’s the entire daily dose, not each dose.). It is a cheap drug. Your mom’s doc will probably start her low and then go up. It will take time to kick in. For some people, it can take a month or two. Good luck.

Sorry meant uti not utility

I had this same situation with my mom when she was home past fewvyears. My dad passed years ago but with her it was mystery man moving her things and stealing her food because she refused to believe she ate it herself and would leave notes all over to get out of house and leave foodcslone. She even at one point called police for theft and although he realized no theft adult protection was called and that left 3 months on their watch . Although utility can cause these please don't just put off to fix with antibiotics . ...majority of times it is also the beginning of a difficult journey with a very painful ending so be careful because the violent rages can come from nowhere and trust me are scarey and dangerous and don't kid yourself that a seemingly weak elderly parent cannot do damage when in a delusional rage especially at night or strangers unexpectedly paying a visit

With some dementia this is a battle you can't win. While it's important to know that a UTI or other infection can cause this sort of behavior, this behavior is also just part of some dementia. You can argue or assure and then the behavior just starts all over again. My mom was tested repeatedly for infections, all negative. Starting Aricept helped her immensely, taking her Seroquel as directed, and not being in charge of her own meds is what helped the most.

That is a real good article ff refers you to.

The article says paranoia often happens in the middle stages. That is for ALZ. In Lewy Body Dementia, which my husband Coy had, it usually happens in the beginning. Which is just to say your mother's current behavior may or may not give clues about where the progression of the disease is.

I am very grateful that Coy never thought I was having an affair. He did think I was stealing from him, had stolen his car, and was holding him captive against his will. He tried reporting this to the sheriff's office several times. Nothing "cured" the delusions and paranoia, but it did go away on its own in a few months. (I really don't think I could have stood it the full 10 years. Placement in a care center would have been necessary.)

What seemed to work best at calming Coy was showing I was listening, being on his side, and going along with his delusions to a degree. "You are worried about our finances? That must bother you a lot. I know I have never deliberately messed with our money, but I could have made a mistake, or the bank could have. Do you want to go over our latest bank statement?"

How would that apply to the infidelity accusations? Tough one! "Sweetheart, I can understand why you are so very upset at the thought of me with another woman. I am truly sorry if I've done something to make you think that. You are my one and only love. There are no other women in my life." "Mother, what have you found there? Hmm ... looks a lot like my friend Brenda's apron. She must have left it here when we baked last week. An affair with Brenda? Oh Mother, you must feel very, very bad to even think that! Brenda is engaged to be married and she is not interested in an old fart like Dad. And I know that Dad is faithful to you. We all love you and hate to see you this upset."

Sympathize with the feeling -- that is definitely real. An explanation probably won't really help but it is worth a brief try as long as it doesn't come across as argumentative. Reassurance of love and support is generally better than trying to defend the accused party.

At least that's what worked best with Coy and his financial worries. It did not cure the paranoia, though, and the same accusation would come up again. But it was very helpful in calming him for that particular episode.

This is such a common problem. If you or any of the doctors find something that helps, please share!

Yes, she's had a few UTIs in the last couple of months. She's been treated each time. We were hoping that would have been the cause or partial cause of the paranoia but it wasn't. I'm just surprised the antipsychotic/mood stabilizer medications have seemingly not helped at all. Thanks for the article. I'll read that and share it with my Dad.