My Mom accused me of beating her so the hospital called APS. Any advice?

Pam makes an excellent point - the mandated reporters must do their thing, they have no choice, but it can lead to danger for a person wrongly accused. And it can be devastating for anyone whose professional standing could be compromised, false accusation or not. SO, it is past time to protect yourself and let mom go to a nursing home. After all, this is realistically an adversary process and you have every right to refuse to put yourself at risk. Frankly, I would never take any such risk. If a person is that confused then they belong in a memory care unit and if they are just mean, then for sure, stay out of their reach.

Castle - you don't need to report it - just ask her to start her own topic. Reporting is for innappropriate content... It's the admin's job to keep posts on-topic. ;)

As to the original question, Joanie, please post a follow-up so we know how you're doing. Hope it has all blown over by now!

Pami, I think what you said was OK, and I think the odd eating hours are OK. You don't have to make Mom behave in a certain ay to be considered a good caregiver. You are definitely a poster child for the sandwich generation, with a lot on your plate! God Bless you!!

Pami68 - this is a new question, so I'm clicking Report this Post - I hope that's the right way to get attention so you can put your post on a new question. Even before that, you can click on the link at the bottom of this post, under Answer this Question, it says Please stay on topic or ask a new question. You should click, ask a new question, and then ask yours! :)

I have aquestion, my mom is 90 and she eats eradic hours. She will eat 10 for
Beakfast and then at3 oclock for luck and 9oclock for supper.is that okay for her to do that. Pami

As you can see by the responses, you are so not alone in this. About a year after my Hubs was diagnosed we went thru what I now see as a 'transition' phase. I was still learning how not to yell about things over which he had no control. In a nut shell... there were a lot of loud arguments, in a large apt. bldg., with very thin walls. When the guy from APS showed up at the door I was the most surprised person in the world. It took him about 5 min to figure out that nothing bad was going on. He explained what just about everyone else has already said. Once a complaint is made the law requires them to follow thru.
The complaint was made by my neighbors who really had no idea what was going on, so they called the authorities. Before he left he showed me the report he was going to file, and I signed it. He also said it would stay 'open' for about 6mos. He was also very clear that I had nothing to worry about and he made this type of 'cold call' several times per mo and most of them turned out just like mine.
It sounds like most of the people who know you and your mom think you are doing a good job. Believe them and what you already know to be true. You are doing one of the hardest jobs imaginable and doing it as well as you can. To my way of thinking if you weren't you wouldn't be worried.
I will be praying for you and your situation.

Sorry to pami68, that my post may have not tied the point in to what I saw in the earlier conversation: that officials/professionals sometimes do not listen to families' explanations of their intentions - if an upset is reported - the persons receiving the report often have no leeway to use their judgment and ask enough questions to sort out whether this was a one time event, or a struggle in which a caring family member is temporarily stressed, or who doesn't know how to de-escalate an episode - everyone overdoes things in frustration sometimes - and I don't think it is a "government" blindness, as a couple of people here said - but a widespread blindness withing professional procedures, where sometimes negative incidents are preserved for a long time, because someone wrote up the wrong details, with inadequate caring investigation.

well what has that got to do with taking care of the elderly. Just today my mom started because things werent working out in her apartment that went wrong. I lost my patience and told her that isnt how an adult acts. I know I shouldnt have said that, But I did.

I find it interesting that some of folks here blame the government for today's raging and wrong-headed process - while I blame academics and professionals!

I guess my culture (Canadian) has less resistance to the idea of government as a good source of organization, a bully pulpit to educate people and use income we agree to send to provide services that cross different lines.

But I see the gap and refusal to listen to new information and evaluate it locally as rampant across the culture, and it makes all of us frustrated and feel powerless and treated as unimportant. I don't see the issue as related to government, except that they, like the rest of us, are becoming paralised by a culture of professionalism that relies less and less on common sense, and more and more on computerized lists of rules and rights and written guidelines, sometimes related to expenses, others to expectations - always long lists. I see similar issues in hospitals, and even many large companies like banks or the phone company.

To me this is a crisis of management and supervision, for working out the best ways to do that role is taken for granted or skipped. Instead of training supervisors to be middle people between top management and people on site, like family caregivers - people supervising or administering care or services are working within separate silos that never learn from other organizations, and only take in new information when directed from above, and they then they do a survey, for they have no idea how to evaluate insight or information as it comes in from real life and people.
involved.

If this overwhelm by mechanical and numerical forms of organization is what conservatives are referring to when they complain about big government, we are actually furious at the same thing!

I have been a mandated reporter in the 20 years I worked in mental health until I retired to take care of my Dad. I have reported, and sadly, been reported. It feels really bad to have your care questioned. It is very frightening to have your career threatened. I was cleared by investigation, which was good. Outside presumably neutral professionals declared it so, and there was an end to this.

As a reporter, I have had to report situations that I felt were probably not actually abuse. I also reported situations where the abused individual would have had no one else on their side. I was relieved to be a "mandated" reporter, and felt assured that all individuals might get help.

The out come of your latest investigation may end up with you getting some in home assistance, for example in bathing your mom. This would provided in home eyes to support you as well. See an elder attorney to iron out the legal side of your situation.

I worry as well, that if I had to return to work, would I be so far behind in every new change, could I get a decent job? I think having some fixed idea about what your mother's financial status is in connection to yours would help you plan ahead.

I believe that when we feel under attack, we have a tendency to assume the worst. Seek a financial professional about the house, Power of Financial Attorney and whether you need another third party to do that record keeping.

The process is crazy making, but trust in that process. The investigators have seen it all. Good Luck with all of this. Remind yourself that you have done the right things, and no matter what, you will feel honor when you examine the care you have provided.

There are security sites online that sell monitors for those of you wishing to video and/or record all your interactions with your parents. It's sad that it's come to this, but in order to protect us, those of us who are caregivers, perhaps this is what we've come to.

I'm sure when these programs were started, they were started with good intentions. The problem is, they were started on shaky foundations, like all governmental agencies.

Can anyone say Big Brother? Unfortunately, it has come to that.

One day social services came to my parent's house (my dad was in his mid 80s, my mom a bit younger). Apparently, my mother said something to a doctor about having to go downstairs to do the laundry. Well, my mother has always hated 'going downstairs to do the laundry!). Anyway, Social Services showed up and wanted to inspect the stairs. The house is over 100 years old and the stairs are steep.

So, while we were sitting at the dining room table, social services recommended the 'fix' and my father just went ballistic and told her to 'get the h*** out of my house'....

She got up and ran like h***.

Anyone who lives in Massachusetts by now knows the problems Department of children and family services is having, i.e., they've lost a child, now presumed dead, and there is a young girl who has been taken away from her parents by Mass General Hospital because they didn't agree with the Tufts Medical Center's plan for treatment. Yes, a fifteen year old girl taken away from her parents for about 15 months now.

I believe government is intruding into our lives way to much, laws are piled upon laws, people are scared, and it's time to STOP!!!!

My mother was placed in a geriatric psyche ward because she went one too many times to the ER with constipation symptoms. The state took over because she had not signed a health care proxy. It took me three out of the five weeks she was in there to get her out. They had her in diapers, on sliding scale insulin, etc., etc. They appointed a lawyer for her to allow the doctors to do ECT! Finally, I'd had it and just told them if they didn't let her out right now, I'd have a lawyer at the door within two minutes. I didn't believe they would let her out, but they did.

I found out that along with her vascular dementia, her blood sugar was way too high as in dangerously high causing more delusional thinking. Once I got that blood sugar down through diet and insulin, she is doing much better. No longer complaining of 'constipation', and back to her 90 year old 'self' which consists of a person who is 90 years old, experiencing 90 year old vascular dementia symptoms.

Do I lose my temper at times? You bet I do. And I think about the day when social services may come to the door because some jackass neighbor thinks it's their business to report me.

Those working in these governmental agencies (governmental!) agencies are book smart, street stupid. Most are young and idealistic, going to save the world until they figure out the government doesn't pay them nearly as much as they are worth because that money is going for other more important things like bridges to nowhere.

Think about that. Where exactly is your taxpayer monies going? Certainly NOT TO THE ELDERLY nor to the children. Meals on Wheels? A joke. As a hospice care worker, I know those meals are filled with salt. I also know most elderly people throw half of them away because anyone who has seen these things knows you can't figure out what you're eating.

When are we going to get good, comprehensive care for the elderly and those in need? Or are only those of us who do care for our parents and our children the targets of social service abuse?

I absolutely understand your fear and frustration with what has happened to you. Many years ago I worked for a doctors office performing the medical insurance billing along with several other women. The office manager came in and told us that "someone" had stolen a great deal of money from the previous days work that had been placed into the safe. She walked out of the room and there was dead silence for a few minutes before we all began talking. Every woman was turning to the other saying, "You know I would never do that right?" It was horrible and gut wrenching. Later that day a man from the optical department came and told us not to worry that he had seen the man who took the money and had actually told the office manager the night before. We had gone through agony and h*** this entire day all thinking that everyone else was looking at us wondering if we were this horrible culprit, when our sadistic butt head Office Manager was getting her kicks out of putting us through misery.

It is normal that we all want to "PROVE" our innocence. It kills us to think that we invest so much time and effort only to be slapped in the face with something like this. I can understand you being so hurt. I swear to you that every single time I take my Mom to see a doctor, I am just waiting for her to say something negative about my care....thank God she hasn't.

I have had APS called on me however. My sister was mad that I was leaving to go on vacation for a week to Las Vegas with my sister, her daughter and my daughter. She began an argument with me which she does every single year, but this time she just really wanted to "get me" so she went to her therapy session and told her therapist that I had "beat her up" and caused bruises and a scratches on her arms. Said sister was 65 therefore her therapist HAD TO REPORT IT TO ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES. The social worker wrote up the report, came to our house and spoke with my sister, had her sign the report and it was forwarded to APS. They showed up at our house, while I was cooking dinner and trying to run back and forth to the garden to water the tomatoes. I was told I needed to sit down with this woman from APS as she needed to interview me. I was furious to say the least, but I remained as calm as possible. This woman begins with my sisters accusations....."On.....date your sister says you and she got into an argument and she states that you physically beat her causing bruises and scratches to both of her arms, is this correct?" I said, "No it isn't correct, that is an absolute lie." Anyway going through all of it would take too long, but the ONLY THING THAT SAVED ME WAS MY 16 YEAR OLD NIECE WHO WAS SITTING LESS THAT 10 FEET FROM US AND SAW THE ENTIRE EXCHANGE AND SWORE I NEVER HIT HER, SCRATCHED HER, NOTHING AT ALL!

I felt exactly what you are feeling right now with this ordeal and your mother. I can actually feel myself becoming a bit upset with that gnawing feeling in my stomach and the elephant standing on my chest. My sister does not have dementia, she is just a hateful mean b---h who tries to hurt me in every way she can think of. She never got over me being born and says "I will hate you until the day you die!" What made it worse was I was given and took DPOA for Medical and Financial on my mother which stopped said sister from paying her bills with Mom's money.

Now after saying all of this, I have to tell you that if you are doing a good job caring for your Mom then I don't think you really have anything to worry about. I would speak to any and all of her doctors about the false accusations that she has lodged against you and alert them to what has happened and ask each of them to note this and also ask them for advice on what they think you should do to protect yourself in this instance. I might even call APS and ask them the same question. I would rather ask a million people and possibly someone has the right answer or a thought that would help you. Getting something on tape would be great but how long would you have to tape to get the evidence you need?

Nurses, doctors as well as therapists, social workers, teachers, etc. are all mandated reporters that by law are suppose to report incidents of possible abuse. Many doctors who work with dementia patients do not report because they know how these people with diminished mental capacity will say most anything....and usually do.

I think you are okay and can relax but I completely understand your fears! God Bless You and give you Peace!

STEP I: WE DONT CARE ABOUT THE FANTASTIC CAREGIVER STORY YOU MIGHT TELL US.
That might be the attitude of protective services. Thus, protect yourself from any misunderstanding by declaring her incompetent and enjoy peace af least

STEP II: CALM DOWN AND GATHER EVIDENCE supporting your story. Protective services always rule to side of caution so she would have the benefit of the doubt before you; and you might have to proof she is wrong.

DON'T GET ANGRY - BE PATIENT. Some old people are more difficult to deal with than teenagers. Once a younger cousin threatened to accuse her mom of child abuse because she does not let her hangout until late with friends.. The mom's response was, go ahead a call them but I just let you know that I would not fight for you if you are sent to a foster home. Reason won. Sadly, with old folks sometimes does not work.

IT's true-- we could start a whole new thread on the difficulty of proper note-taking and record keeping. Very hard to stay organized enough to document everything -- but the professional caretakers I have met (earning $60 to $100 an hour) manage to do it.

Joanie, I do know regarding Medicaid. If you are a child who has been living in the house for 2 years and you are caring for your mother and she needs to go to a nursing home. There is an exception from Medicaid. The NH needs to verify your residence. Ie: voting records You vote in the area where your mother's lives. The NH home will write you except from Medicaid. I know afterwards you cannot sell the house. But, I don't now the rest. You would need to research it. A part time job at home would help. You are taking years out of building your own social security. If you mother has set up POA finically or medically when she was well. I would find a lawyer declare her incompent and go for guardianship.

Oh - this topic is huge and it makes me incredibly angry and resentful of how my efforts, intentions and insights over 35 years when no one else committed such time to look closely and find ways to help – were minimized and devalued so often by standard professionals in helping situations.

I am someone who learned to see systems and how they are organized. I’m out of the situation now, and I also learned by necessity of being left alone to either give up or learn to communicate, so I have learned and I and my disabled brother are doing well, and professionals now help, and I found my voice and stand up to them when their interpretations are incomplete.

But for years I was infuriated and humiliated by confusion that despite the genuine wish to care and willingness to commit the time to learn to do it well, I was long set back by frequent, unnecessary and long-enduring damage caused to my brother’s reputation and mine, by professional systems of this day and age. Many processes are being challenged, but again, the system mandates that these challenges are studied privately in contained research studies – so information about family encouragement is learned in some types of caregiving situations, but not spread to others. Meanwhile, reputations are lost in insinuation, assumptions, shutting out information, while blaming families in ways that perpetuate negative stereotypes. The whole system is overdue for challenges across the board, for insisting that the professional knows best. I believe they are usually doing their best, and do have areas of expertise, but I do not believe the system has set them up to know best in as many settings as they are assumed to be the experts.

Professionals are taught to adhere to rules designed in research, often for very different populations of both patients and different types of caregivers, different ages, without the differences being made clear, as most implementers depend on authority and respect the processes. Whistle-blowers are challenged.

The damage done by assigning blame to patients or families, is not clear to implementers, for they look only at their own records, and are judged on compliance. What happens before or outside those recording periods is ignored. So they fill out forms as taught in schools. Only some flexible and wise people listen and observe all parties in specific situations (and you find those by asking over and over), consider your input, rather than deflect and minimize it because you are not a professional - only wise ones will add some discretion to what they write in their notes.

Fact is, mistakes are made by all parties, new and even longer professionals make as many or more than many families, and a giant one is that they don’t include approaching patients in haste among their mistakes. But professionals can prescribe medication to calm an upset patient, so patients angry at professionals are seen as mentally defective, and the recording processes describe all details of an incident, NOT the details of the factors that occurred leading up to the incident, including mismatched communication across different shifts, misplaced equipment, all kinds of issues that upset patients. I think this is the reason for the high number of hospital errors and psychological calamities.

I struggle to contain my fury, need to write, but the systems are so large and multiple, I’m never sure where to write this wide reaching issue. So, I’m sorry to show frustration here, but this story reminded me of the insults I endured after I offered to try to help my youngest brother, born with brain injury, did my best and learned to succeed in my work with him over 35 years. I remember my confusion and pain when I was told at the outset, that I was “too emotionally involved” so I reluctantly left him to professionals, and watched him fall apart, only to sent back to my care after a year of hospitals to recover from injuries. What expert can say what is "too involved" - yes, it is helpful and necessary, to learn how to stand back from escalating situations, take breaks rather than insist on finishing a task when a patient is upset, be calm and deliberate. But family members study and practice and learn such skills too, and information before, around incidents, need to be recorded, not just inflammatory, fear based details of specific incidents. And one time incidents need to be recorded in pencil, with a question mark or red flag, and erased when longer experience shows patterns, more reliable to show efforts and results.

Joanie, take a deep breath and calm down! You have been cleared, the record at APS will reflect their findings and this is confidential information which only the police can obtain. I know because I worked as a case mgr. for Child Protective Services in AZ, and APS works the same way. The privacy act has changed a lot about accusations and one has a "duty" to your mother to just check out her story. It would be a legal issue with the hospital and nurse's licenses if they did not investigate. So continue the excellent care you are giving, know that when one has dementia all kinds of wrong things come out of that person's mouth, and you just have to learn to deal with it, and let those words roll off your back. You are not in jail, your mother is home with you, and the record stays for another 3 1/2 months. So what? Get on with living. Don't sweat the small stuff! You both will be fine. Just love her until her passing...

Information remains in data bases for years or even permanently. The incident 2 years earlier is referenced to support the local agency's agenda for reducing elder abuse. A case is closed after 6 months, but the footprint remains. Voice or motion-activated monitoring devices placed in the area of the house in which the confrontations happen may help. I understand there are now baby monitors, so maybe something is available for older people. Yes, reports and investigations are required. I spelled out my PLAN OF ACTION to the case manager: I can't physically lift, move, and bathe someone who weighs much more than me. I can't push wheelchairs with someone who weighs almost 100 lbs more than me. She needs the help and I CAN'T do it. At the same time her physical and mental self is declining you are reporting it's effects on you. Assuming you have medical POA, I think you can request a copy of her medical records for specific dates. Pay for the copy if necessary. Review notes to see if any reference is made regarding your comments. If not, write a properly formatted business type letter to the doctor, and direct the office to put it into the medical records. 6 months later request another copy of her medical records for the last 6 months. Keep your own binder documenting all your actions to improve the situation. This might be something so small as a receipt for a$17.00 pack of Depends, $6.50 for a container of lotion - and on the receipt make note of why you bought the product. (Maybe the Depends helped keep her bed dry as she sits up to get to the bathroom. Maybe her skin was itchy and she stopped scratching herself so often. Don't just say it's for incontinence or for itchy skin - that's too general. For those who are able to go out after an appointment, if you stop somewhere to have lunch or get a cup of coffee, collect the business card, date the back of it, and make note of what was eaten. No business card? A napkin or paper menu. Be resourceful by collecting hard evidence - tangible items that communicate the overall picture. Put these in the binder. This is kind of a random system, but you will at least have something to support your claims if providers, authorities, or Social Security ever come knocking on your door. It's sort of like using the informal scrap book method you may have used earlier in life for other types of information. If authorities are called again, you will have copies of what actions you took, what actions the doctor or nurses took, and use that as best possible to be your own advocate.

p.s. - the hospital is not "getting back at you"...they are following protocol.

You have nothing to worry about - it will be documented as "unsubstantiated", & they'll file it away. Think of the thousands of elders who ARE abused - these laws are in place for a reason. The medical staff is required by law to report it if the patient says it happened or if they suspect any abuse (they are mandated reporters) - they can lose their job and/or license if they don't and it gets found out later - that is why the nurse said what she did. No need to feel "devastated" - your mom didn't know what she was saying, and as you said, you'll be cleared.

Braida, those same people who think you are wonderful can turn on you in a heart beat, especially if there is something to gain, or if they don't like you. Trust nobody when it comes to this.

I tried to keep notes, as some suggest,but when I did, I seemed to be writing all day. Trust me, it's not easy to do, especially when you work from the home, and taking care of an elderly parent. I would write things down, but that became my third job.

Joanie, you are a wonderful and caring daughter. I disagree with the comments that advise you send your Mom packing as a result of this embarrassing incident you had to go through. I totally agree with Countrymouse when she said, "Try not to let it get to you. Above all try not to let it affect the way you so lovingly look after your mother. Remember that everyone knows it's hooey." That is the truth. Everyone knows it's hooey!! They can see for themselves how wonderfully you care for your Mom. And your Mom knows this too! She backs it up as well, but quite possibly.....when you mentioned your Mom was in the hospital, could it have been the result of meds or lingering anesthesia that made her pop out with a ridiculous statement? Something that made no sense at all, and was even laughable. (Seeing as she doesn't have a wooden leg. LOL) That came out of a dream or something very unrealistic, and everyone knows this. Of course it was mortifying for you to experience something like this. Not so much the off-the-wall statement, but the fact that an investigation had to happen. As many commenters said, it's the law, but it's just the mechanical procedures that are done so it can be said, "it was done." I hope you don't give up on all that you are doing for your Mom as a result of this. Best of luck in letting this bad feeling just slough off you. As your Mom's physician said, she would be appalled to know she made such a statement. It was absurd, and there's no explaining the absurd!!!

I was in a similar situation but i had medical power of attorney i got years before my father got sick. power of attorney, will, estate planning which cost us around 1000. i think you can get the forms free, download, get them signed and witnessed and don't worry about aps. she does not have any bruises. forget about it as long as you have these documents and advance directive. if she can still write get her to sign them, or threaten her with leaving. she still has enough in her mind to sign it. she does not want to go to a nursing home. you know her better than anyone. just ride it out. don't let the state take your money. try and not to leave her. she is too sick.

its commonplace for aps to visit the living situation of most elders upon release from hospital.
dont beat yourself up for losing patience with your parent a few times. before you learn about dementia ( brain death ) , it appears they are just being selfish and hateful.. i had the most difficulty with the bipolar crying jags and the ocd tendacies.

I am so sorry you have had to go through this with your mom. Strokes can contribute to vascular dementia and that can make our loved ones say some weird things! You know in your heart that you love, care for and protect your mom. The hospital being liable for so much just did what was required of them by law, no feelings involved. Please put it out of your mind as best you can. You are an outstanding caregiver and daughter, and mom is lucky to have you. She doesn't know what she is saying or I am sure she would be devastated that she caused you so much anguish.

If you have been caring for your Mom well for over 4 years, and have many authority figures telling you so, do not let this stress you! Just consider that you have a new partner on YOUR side! Obviously APS who investigated saw that the problems are with your Mom's functioning, or she or you would have been removed from the situation. Go about your care business. You will never do it perfectly because you are human, but you ARE better than an agency/residence would be and you are keeping your Mom in her own home. I DO agree, however, that you are at risk without an agreement or POA or something legally set up that allows you to be getting paid for the care and spelling out your rights to be living in her home. Mostly because your future is at risk. How will you provide for yourself should she need to go into a NH or facility and you must apply for Medicaid? The gov't gets control of her home then, and you would have to sell it and move out, with no resources for yourself....depending on your state. I would advise consulting an elder care attorney to set things up to properly protect yourself. A few hundred spent on getting things set up right will save you in the end. And the time to get POA in place is before it's actually needed. If your mom is already incompetent, then you will have to go to court for guardianship which is way more complicated and expensive too. Unless POA is already set up, I would take this step next. If you are already paying her bills with her money then just explain this makes it all legal and protects her from having anyone step in and taking over. An attorney can help with how to get to those decisions. Mine has been very clever and experienced in what to say and how to say it to my parents, and has always said, when they get angry, just blame it all on me, and tell them to call their attorney because I am only doing what he tells me to do as the POA. Then he becomes the bad guy who tells them how lucky they are that I am doing all this to help them and what a fine job I am doing and that all is happening perfectly legally and he is always checking on what I an doing etc.... He's been a godsend support to me as things come up, like APS. He pointed out that with a minimum care giver coming in, APS was defenseless if called by anyone, because we already had a home health care plan...and he explained how to sell that notion to my folks in order to get a caregiver in the home with them.....

I'd tell the truth, keep a detailed care journal and document everything as carefully as possible. Probably also find a caregiver's support group locally and think about talking with an attorney about how to protect myself.

I agree. I take care of my mom to. She ias ninety, but at some point she will have to go into a asssited living. 24/7 is just too much for you. Take care of yourself first. You cant take care of your mom unless you take cxare of yourself. You are first. Try getting a tape recorder and record what she says. Then play it back to her.