Is mom 81 or is she 12?
Mom (in-law) came to live with us 5 years ago. This is a permanent arrangement. All of us agree that something drastic changed when she got c-def, because of the way Mom has decided to deal with the current "situation". A little background on us. We have been married for 25 years, we have known each other for 43 years and have a strong tender relationship. We have grand kids, we have 5 grown kids , all successful and the best part, we all live in separate states. Don't judge me on that last statement, it's healthy and it works. The issue now is the current ambulatory restrictions on Mom. They have been imposed by her. There is nothing wrong with her health, but she has decided that she would rather live in a hospital. I'm no dummy, I've had a hand in raising 250 foster children as a respite care giver and a foster parent. I do not lack compassion for her and her condition, however my first concern is my lovely wife and her aging issues, not to mention the fact that she has to see her Mothers behavior and wonder (as we may all), if she is destined for the same road. I need a perspective that is created by the realization that it is possible that an elder person does not have to have Alzheimer, or Dementia, to display the common behaviors of a 12 year old that cannot cope with the rules of the house, the limits Nature has put on him, and remain productive, relatively positive, and appreciate the people that help the most. I believe she may be exercising her authority upon her daughter which, I believe she thinks will cause friction, and maybe force us into the kind of thinking she has adopted. We are determined that this won't happen, but were surprised at the lshortage of others in this specific situation regarding elders, and of the proliferation in the pre teens but no line drawn between the two groups. I think there may be tools here that could work for both, I need help in recognizing the similarities, and governance of response and application of techniques more likely to attain results than create an atmosphere for deterioration. Any suggestions?
When adults act like a twelve-year-old, is it effective to treat them as you would a 12-year-old?
Maybe. Sometimes.
There are some big differences, though. First, this adult acting like a bratty preteen has had decades of adult experiences. In dealing with her you aren't really starting from the same places as in dealing with a 12-year-old.
And perhaps even more significantly, the 12-year-old is acting like a 12-year-old because that is where she is developmentally in her life. Why is the adult acting that way? If it is because of dementia or other problems in the brain, then all bets are off. Teaching someone new (or different) behavior once her brain is damaged is not like teaching the same thing to a healthy child or young adult. It is not hopeless. You may be able to influence some changes in behavior. But the things that worked with a 12-year-old may simply not be effective in this situation.
While MIL is in the hospital or nursing home or where ever she is, is it possible to have a full geriatric medical work up, so you can get a better idea of what is causing these changes? You ask (I think) whether dementia is the only possible explanation for such changed behavior. No. It is one possible explanation. I think the c-def has a lot to do with it. Or maybe she just really is deliberately being bratty. But getting a professional opinion based on testing and observations would be worthwhile.
I am not sure what "this situation" is. I agree with Debralee that whatever is going on you need to be supportive of your wife above all else. If together you can find ways to help her mother spend her last years comfortable and with some enjoyment, great. But not at the expense of your marriage and your own comfort and joy.
You sound like a very compassionate and committed couple. Do not allow anything to come between the commitment to each other.
After raising 250 foster kids, I doubt that one elderly woman could affect your lives that much. Again, it is difficult to decipher your concerns, as JesseBelle pointed out. Could you narrow your thesis so posters can answer you? Thank you.