I modified my home to care for my husband until his death. Now, his brother and sister want to move their parents in for me to care for them.

Well, as long as they don’t have a key to your house, they can’t sneak ‘em in while you’re at the grocery store. I’m only half kidding. YOU are in charge of yourself and your house. “NO” is a complete sentence.

Two ninety year olds with dementia?  Of course you are not wrong at all in refusing to do this.  You're sane and reasonable.  Think about it - caregiving one person with dementia is not really workable beyond the early stages, but two? They aren't your parents, right?  Caring for your husband is one thing, but you really have no obligation to provide money and housing for their parents. No, this is simply not your responsibility.  They need to work on ways to care for their parents, thinking in the long term.  Just keep saying "No," as often as needed. I would not argue or explain, just show then a stone wall - "No."

You owe them nothing. Absolutely NOT!!!
Do not even entertain this idea. No! No! No!
Stop talking to them if necessary.

Oh Hell No!

No way! What a nightmare that would be and possibly become a life sentence. How terribly unkind and entitled those in-laws are.

Thank you for all of your answers. I needed some validation that I was not being selfish. I have spent most of the last six years taking care of family members. First, my dad with COPD and mesothelioma, my mother with breast cancer and metastatic disease and finally my husband. I know very little about dementia, other than what I have read here and I don’t think I am up to it. The in-laws can afford a facility or in home help, but want me to provide for free so their surviving son and daughter will receive a good inheritance. I need time to recuperate from the last few years.

OMG NO! These people have no idea what you went thru with your husband. God love you for what you did for him to the end. You have paid your dues. Now its your time to get on with your life. You r not responsible for your in-laws and if they never visited or helped then I am assuming your relationship with them was not all that great. How nervy of them. I bet they are trying to keep what money they have "in the family" instead of eventually using it for their eventual care.

I wouldn't keep saying No. The next time they ask tell them "You have no idea what it takes to care for someone from the being stages of Dementia/ALZ, mentally, physically and financially to the end. Because, you chose not to be here. I am financially and mentally drained. I paid my dues and I am now going to live MY life. Your parents are your responsibility, not mine. You need to spend their money on their needs, whatever it will be. Living on their own with help, going to Independent living or an AL or living with you. I am not taking on the responsibility of two Dementia patients. I know what is involved and at the age of _____ I am not doing it again. So for the last time the answer is NO!"

If you alienate them, oh well. Like I said, its really nervy of them to even consider asking you. This is your time.

Sorry, I read your profile husband had Dementia but even if that is not the case, you still paid your dues and you don't owe them your life,

OMG! Six years! You aren't a bit selfish, not for a minute! But, THEY ARE. If they really cared about you, they would realize that you have given six years to caring for others (including a fair chunk of that on their own son!) and you are due a break to rest and recover, and yes, grieve.

You are a wonderful person.
Hugs. Hang in there.
Sparkles

Obviously, their dementia is causing them to not be able to process your no. I suspect that it's not that they won't accept no, it's that they forget the no. That's why they keep asking. I'd try to tip off whoever is in charge that they need help, but, I would stay out of it. You've done so much already. Try to rest and get your own life in order.

It never ceases to amaze me what other people will want and expect of us to preserve their inheritance! I have two twisteds sibs like that.

I guess while I was typing you were too because you post was not there when I started. 😄

So, I was correct. In-laws are trying to keep their money. Would love to see their faces if you suggested they pay you big time to care for two people. 24 hour care for 2 people for at least 40 an hour (thats what an RN gets)= over 6000 a week. Drop it down to 20 an hr, its over 3 k a week. Cheaper to put parents in an AL.

So, taking care of two parents and a DH, you have certainly paid you dues. Boyyyyy!! They "are" "really" nervy and I would tell them that.

After caring for my Mom, and the hands on was only 20 months (felt longer) I swore I would never do it again except...for my husband. I will not be DPOA for anyone nor a Executor. I have been able to find some people to help with my disabled nephew that will help in taking some of my responsibility away. I am almost 69 I don't want any responsibility that has nothing to do with my family. I did for my parents from the time I could. I was the oldest of 4. I was the one they depended on. I am tired of being the one.

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

My parents were wonderful, thoughtful people. During their illnesses they cooperated anyway they could. They did not fuss about me hiring outside help with their money and they were willing to check into respite care for me to have a vacation if I needed a break. During my father’s illness my husband was a big help. He pitched in any way he could. My husband’s illness was difficult. Multiple rounds of chemo and radiation, but for the most part he kept a good attitude and did what he could to help himself and me.

My MIL and FIL are totally uncooperative. Husband’s siblings are greedy and feel entitled. BIL actually commented after my husband’s death that their inheritance would only have to be split two ways.

I told in-laws again today that I would not allow them to move in my home and that I would not take care of them in any way. They then called their daughter to tell her how selfish I am. Of course, she called crying and whining to me about she couldn’t possibly disrupt her family and it would be so easy for me since I was alone. I told her sorry, I’m going back to work October 1st and could not possibly help. Maybe that will get thru.

Wow, can't believe these cold, greedy people. On second thought, I think you should help them.... by giving your BIL and SIL the name of the contractor who did your remodel. Otherwise, NO!

Hi UsedupDIL. No definitely not, it's a non runner. You Cared so well for Your Parents, and Your dear Husband Rest in peace, and Your time for Caring is done now finished. Head back to work with a happy Heart on October 1st and enjoy Your Life, live it for You and not for your cowardly In Laws Who look to You as an escape from their responsibilities. I am completely gob smacked by the cheek of Your In Laws, how selfish of them.

This shows their true feelings towards you. Selfish they are! Stay strong! If they won't leave you alone, consider filing harassment charges!

SIL and BIL can take turns hosting their parents to save their inheritance...NOT YOU!

"Of course, she called crying and whining to me about she couldn’t possibly disrupt her family and it would be so easy for me since I was alone."

What does she think you have been doing the last five years...taking care of 3 people was not a disruption? I know, you may not have felt that way but there were times, I know, you and husband would have wanted to do something together.

Good for you that you told them again and I hope its the last time. Next time just say you are not going there again and hang up. I wouldn't even volunteer to help or they will use it against you. "Well you did it before, why not now" You could also say "Where were u when I could have used some help". Time to go on with your life.

Are you really going back to work? If so, nice.

Keep us informed on what is going on.

I asked my question a few weeks ago. I thought I had made my point that I was not going to allow my deceased husband’s parents into my home for me to take care of. Yesterday SIL called and told me they are placing the parents in a facility and that the parents do not have funds. She said they expected me to pay my husband’s share of the cost. I told her no it is not my responsibility. She now says they are going to sue me and also to dispute my husband’s will. They feel he should have left them money for their parents care. Has anyone else had this experience?

It never ceases to amaze me.....

No attorney worth his salt would take on a case like that on contingency. And from the sounds of it those in-laws would never want to pay a retainer likely in the thousands of dollars. Give them, if you want to give them anything at all, Medicaid contact information.

It matters not, what they think regarding your husbands will. It matters what the law is and your husband alive was not financially responsible for his parents and he’s certainly not responsible now that he has passed away.

As for your “share” in paying for the parents care... does that mean you now get an equal share in their will? Nope. I don’t think so - but you might ask it - in a “just wondering”
kind of way. It would be fun to hear SIL cough and sputter as she quickly tries to unpaint herself out of her corner.

But seriously - don’t stress it. As stated prior, no lawyer will touch this.

I’m relatively certain my SIL will never follow thru. She talks a lot, but never seems to do anything. I agree that no lawyer is going to take their case. After all the years my husband and I were married they should know I’m not prone to backing down.

BLOCK their calls! DELETE their e-mails without reading them (unless you want a good laugh). Stick to your guns! 🔫 😠
Do NOT answer them and they'll get the hint.

This has turned into a ridiculous, greedy circus. (My mouth fell open when I read your last post!) Be DONE with these people. No contact.

Whether you go back to work or not, you don't OWE any of them anything!

You must be a very sweet and patient person. I'd have told them to take a hike (in different words) by now. 😡

SIL called again this morning. Grabbed the phone before I looked at caller ID. She went off on a tangent about me being uncaring, etc. I told her that I wanted no further communications with any of them. She started in on we’re family. I told her that my connection to the family was dead and I was done with all of them. During her rant she did reveal that she couldn’t find an attorney. She brought up her children and how close they were to my husband. I laughed and pointed out they never visited a single time while my husband was ill and two of them 21 and 23 didn’t attend his funeral. Called the phone company and am getting a new phone unlisted telephone.

God bless you..the loss of your husband must have been so painful...my condolences to you...but I must say that bringing in 2 more people (90 yr olds) into your home is something I would not do...especially after you told them no already; "NO MEANS NO!"...at least in this situation..I too am a burned out DIL & after what I am still presently going through. ..would never do this again!!! I know this sounds horrible but, I have learned my lesson...It sounds like you have too..I know once I get out of my current situation I will not get into this kind of thing again!!!

Usedup,

I think you did the right thing by changing your phone number.

The requests you are getting from the In Laws are completely unreasonable, and quite bizarre.

There is a reason SIL could not find an Attorney! Her case or whatever she was trying to pursue is laughable.

I hope you find peace and joy getting your life back on track.

I do keep track of calls. MIL, FIL, all BIL, SIL are all tied up in dysfunction. They blow up periodically, someone confronts them and they back off. I called MIL. Her dementia very slight. I told her that with my husband deceased I was having nothing to do with the family and that they were not moving in with me. She started laughing. Said my house was the last place she wanted to live. She then asked if that was her DIL talking. I told her yes that her children and spouses wanted to move her and her husband to move in with me for me to provide care. She hung up and I’m sure she called all of them. She was not happy.

None of them have mental illness. They are garden variety Dysfunctional. My husband never got involved in their infighting and I won’t either. My husband was successful, a CPA as am I, owned our accounting business. Family very jealous of our home, business, etc. None of them ever worked very hard. Mostly, lazy and looking for the the easy life without working for it.

New number in effect. Had a security camera and sensors put on front and rear of house. It will ring on my cell phone if anyone comes around, so I am all set.

BRAVO, Usedupdil, BRAVO!
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Now, maybe they'll leave you alone. What a bunch of misfits. Hope MIL gave them all a good tongue lashing.