My 85 mom had a mini stroke, she then went to the hospital and everything is fine, thank god it’s being treated. I’m also her 24/7 caregiver at home and with this happening I’m scared she is going to get paranoid/anxious even more! Before this happened she was overly anxious where I couldn’t even leave for 20-30 without her freaking out! My siblings want her to come home asap to recover and I want her to come home as well, but when she’s a little bit stronger. They won’t have to deal with her not being able to sleep or waking me up 2-3 time in the middle of night to go to the bathroom! I was basically home before 24/7 literally could not leave without her crying she’s nervous and afraid to be alone for 30 min! Now with this happening I feel/know it’s going to get worse and of course I’m going to be the only one taking care of her! How do I approach my siblings and explain my frustration over this?!
Also, it sounds like time for your super concerned siblings to take over the care and management of their mother now. Then you can tell them how things should be done while relaxing in your recliner with a glass of wine.
Plain and simple.
Are you being paid to care for your mom? One of your posts you mentioned getting a caregiver to help. Who is your moms DPOA for medical and financial?
Has mom been deemed incompetent or does she still make her own decisions?
To me, this is between you and mom and has nothing to do with the siblings unless one or both of them is the DPOA.
If they are controlling her health and financial decisions then you need to tell them clearly mom can’t come back to your home under the old arrangement. If you want her to come home at some point, let them know you want her to get all the care she can in the hospital and then in rehab if she qualifies and you need extra help in the home.
This is not all about mom. This is about your life as well.
If you are the DPOA and mom is incompetent, then you simply tell your siblings that you will take their concerns into consideration when you speak with the doctors. Perhaps it is time for mom to spend some time in an ALF while you sort out next steps.
You don’t need to worry about what the siblings want. They need to worry about what you want.
”Freaking out” is NEVER good for anyone, and you are “scared” and she is scared.
It’s lovely that your siblings “want her to come home” but it sounds a little unbalanced that you’re the ‘round the clock caregiver and they’re feeling important enough (from a safe distance) to think THEY should have a say in what happens next.
If YOU are comfortable continuing this pattern indefinitely, no problem, but if YOU are committed to providing good care for your mother AND for you, take a few steps to investigate alternative changes.
Hire a compassionate person to come in 2-3 hours/day and establish a little separation between you and MOM? See if she’s eligible for Sr. Day Care and try a couple days/week?
Check out local residential care facilities that might provide some extra care and would be easily accessible for family visits AND activities to give her something else to think about.
Whatever you decide, just THINKING about alternatives for her will be good for YOU.
Approaching your siblings? “I’ve been Mom’s caregiver for quite a while, and as she develops more age related care needs, I’m finding that I’m getting worn out doing this on my own. Please help me FIND some alternatives so that I can have some more space to do some things I want to do and get a good night’s sleep”.
One of your siblings will immediately chirp “We could NEVER put her in a NURSING HOME. She’d DIE. We PROMISED HER we WOULDN’T. Nursing homes are ALL TERRIBLE (they’re not)”.
When that happens, respond immediately “OK, I understand how you feel, but I CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE. So by (you name a date) either of you can take her to your home or come a couple hours a day or come here OR come up with a plan the THREE of us can agree on”.
THEN- stick to your guns and repeat as often as necessary that they will help OR YOU will find something that will work FOR YOU.
Good luck. This is hard, but MANY (maybe MOST) of us have done it and survived.