My father passed away 5 years ago and he was the financially savvy parent. He invested a significant amount of money, but my moms decision making has slipped in the last few years, partially due to alcohol, depression, mild cognitive impairment, and my sibling’s poor financial influence. Between renovating a house and purchasing a new home, my mom & sibling spent over 7 figures!!! Before the most recent house purchase, we had a meeting with my moms financial advisor to intervene, only for my mom and sibling to disregard his advice. My mom now lives with my sibling and family in a new house worth over 7 figures, and my mom is continuing to go through her retirement investments to support their expensive lifestyle. (To my knowledge, my sibling and their partner do not pay rent, or any major household bills.) In their defense, they do help mom with day to day problem solving/cooks the family meals, but my moms also watches their kids/let’s them use her car, so it seems unfair that she continues to foot so much of the finances. I checked with her estate attorney and financial POA won’t start yet since she isn’t really incapacitated. She can drive, do ADLs, but just makes poor decisions, but who knows if that’s personality/alcohol/depression/or the MCI diagnosis. We almost have a trust officer setup that will *hopefully* protect some of her assets should she ever have intensive healthcare needs. But she is so flippant about it! I’ve cried my eyes out with her about anxiety for the future and how she’ll make ends meet, and she just brags about how much money she has, tells me I ‘worry’ too much, and that I should take something for my anxiety. I also looked up Long-Term care insurance but she’s 77 y.o so the premiums look too high for her current budget. I also can’t contribute financially, as I make a pretty low income/work in non-profit sector, & am struggling to keep up with my own bills with inflation right now. I’m at my wits end and am getting to the point that I just want to give up! I can’t help but feel resentful when my mom was setup with a nest egg, but chose to blow through it and just continues to drink daily and avoid any accountability/responsibility! Advice? Below are things I’ve already tried:
Checked on POA, not an option, yet.
Trust officer pending.
Discussed alcohol rehab; mom not interested in abstinence.
Got mom into mental health counseling. Encourage harm reduction /less Alcohol.
Neuropsych testing this summer to ensure dx accurate.
Directly communicated with family that I MUST work to support myself, and I make so little I can’t contribute much financially, therefore, mom has to protect the assets she has.
Initially stopped communication with sibling after the 7 figure home purchase. Attempting family counseling/mediation next month.
Briefly researched longterm care insurance. Mom is 77 so unsure if this will be affordable.
Do not take on the physical responsibility of Mom. Your future earnings are important.
That’s really the only power you have. Minimize contact so you don’t know every dime she’s spending on all the stuff. Tell her you’re not interested in hearing about any of it. Find yourself a nice hobby that means you can’t be available all the time. Assume that mom, sibling and family are happy with the situation and let them deal with it. If they like living with an alcoholic, so be it. They’ll eventually see the light unless they’re all addicts, but you can’t help any of them if that’s the case.
Eventually mom will drive drunk and have accidents or go into organ failure and die. This is her choice. You’ve done everything humanly possible to save her. Take comfort from that.
Square dancing is really fun, and tubing down a river in the Appalachians is nice too. A walking group could be a great new hobby. Go do something!
PS. Mild cognitive impairment is a form of dementia. Same same. It always gets worse. Just FYI so you’ll consider running away faster.
Medicare will cover any big medical expenses. Depending on what state she lives in, she may qualify for Medicaid at some point (for LTC only, in most states). Stop keeping score with your sibling... they have no idea what's coming down the pike with your Mom (hint: a poop show).
Your clear boundaries are: you NEVER contribute financially to her care and you don't rescue her (or your sibling) when she needs hands-on care. You do you, and she can have the retirement she planned for. Please go to Al-anon. There was a recent poster who was also struggling with this issue and they went to 1 meeting, and it was transformative for them.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/for-those-who-gave-up-caregiving-what-happened-to-your-person-afterwards-480792.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
I wish you wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart as you protect yourself from the chaos.
It’s sad that your mom is blowing threw money like it’s Monopoly money. It’s also sad that your sibling is encouraging her and taking advantage of her spending habits.
As far as the drinking goes, she has to want help. You will not be able to talk her into getting help.
I don’t know what you can do about this other than wait for the other shoe to drop. Her money isn’t going to last at the rate she is spending it. Your sibling obviously doesn’t have any desire to change either. You are the only sensible one in the family!
Live your life in peace. I know that this is stressful for you and you would like to see a happy ending but sometimes there isn’t a happy ending.
If money runs out and she is in need of care, Medicaid is going to do a review of her spending.
Maybe other posters will be able to offer some insight on this situation.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.